The Album: Book One (6 page)

September 16, 2002
Greenwich, Connecticut

I
HAVE EXACTLY TWO HOURS
to learn French. I’m such a twit for putting proficiency in the romance languages as part of my skill set. But shit, what kind of employer even looks at the bottom of a résumé? Frankly, my francophone slang is neither romantic nor proficient, and there’s no freaking way I know how to create a MS Power Point.

When the secretary to the Vice President of the French Institute called to schedule my interview, she ended the conversation with five minutes of frou-frou French, from which I gathered they were very excited to have a Canadian liaison, or she was a fan of the movie
Dangerous Liaisons
. Fuck. I mean, Putain!

I need this job, plain and simple. Je besoin de . . . ? Oh yeah, clair et simple. There, I nailed it. Maybe I should have paid more attention in my university classes instead of nursing violent hangovers of trashcan punch. Or, maybe my advisor could have told me that honesty on a résumé is an integral part of employment, instead of picking at her cuticles during my career advisement. I’m honest, well blunt is more like it, but I filter my most of my daily conversation. Je m’en fou.

“Natalie?” Mom’s voice resembles the annoying chirp of a Disney fairy godmother, sweet but ineffective.

She knocks on the door, but I remain silent. Even if I don’t answer, like if I’m busy in my room slitting my wrists or masturbating, she’ll continue talking.

“Natalie, sweetie? What time is your interview? Your father will be happy to drive you to the City! Or we could take the train and then go shopping! Natalie?”

Zut!

I pick up my high school cheerleading megaphone and answer her back in a deep, raspy chant. “The interview is in Midtown at two. I can manage. Go Mustangs!”

Okay Nat, concentrate. French, French, French cuffs, French fries, French perfume, French liqueur, French manicure. Focus you nitwit! Ah ha, I spot my bootleg copy of
Amélie
and pop it in my VHS player . . . I can watch it without the subtitles and at least be in the
ooh la la
mindset.

Mmm, the narrator’s voice is so sexy. French men really know how to make their words vibrate into a tingly pitch. A guy could totally recite some Sartre between my thighs and I would probably blow an orgasmic gasket.

I like Audrey Tautou’s haircut, very chic and European, and she totally has the cheekbones for it. My cheekbones are bite-size apples and my face is round; long hair definitely works best for me.

I swivel around on my little vanity stool circa 1990s Teen furniture and study my features in the mirror. I have a nice tan from lounging around the pool all summer and my hair has gorgeous streaks of gold. My eyes turn aqua when I’m tan, and will never be as green as the rest of my family, but they are still quite an asset.

I twist my hair into a low bun but decide against the librarian ’do and opt to flat-iron my massive waves of hair. The faint sound of my parents mumbling downstairs about my jobless predicament is getting old. Mom always defending my right to be an independent woman searching for my own way, and Dad pretending to oppose her, but secretly dishing out whatever I ask for. They have been horribly annoying lately, treating me like a cranky teenager, but they’ve also been supportive in my quest for the perfect Manhattan job. In fact, my folks are pretty cool. I’m lucky to have a quirky yet compassionate relationship with Judy and Dave. I only hope I can make them proud someday, but what I really hope is that Mom remembered to buy me a box of
Special K
with the tiny strawberries.

It’s my dream to live in Manhattan like Samantha Jones, planning large parties and speaking for the ill-spoken. One would think with an unfiltered mouth like mine that I would be the last person to represent fuckups, but I actually excel at remedying
in
propos
(there’s some fucking French) behavior. I’m dying to live Downtown with all the sexy single men, spending my evenings in fancy restaurants and my weekends exploring the more cultured hot spots. I want to find the man of my dreams and live in a loft and take cooking classes and buy expensive shoes and be mistaken for a model and be on the cover of Forbes and party with some rock stars and basically be the entire compilation of
Sex in the City
. But until then, I’m rooted in Sucksville, Connecticut, with a plethora of Polo shirts and tennis clubs at my disposal.

Fils de salope!

I hurry to my closet and search for the most frenchy thing I own, whatever the hell that means . . . or maybe I could dress as a mime and pretend to be mute! Alas, the dark purple pencil skirt and cream chiffon tank will have to do. If it wasn’t a blazing September day, I would wear my zigzag-patterned stockings, but this weather demands the bare minimum in clothing. I layer on some pearls and perfume, and grab my small alligator clutch with the matching pumps. A small dab of lip gloss and a little mascara and I’m all set for my Translation Inquisition.

Tiptoeing down the flight of stairs with my pumps in hand, I fail to escape the “go get ’ems” by my optimistic parents.

Mom opens her arms for a hug, and exclaims, “Natalie, you look beautiful! We are so proud of you! Today is your day to shine! Always smile and be gracious!” Oh for Christ sake, she needs to pull back on her Oprah-isms.

“Nat, what your mother is trying to say – no matter what happens, you always have a place here with us and a job waiting for you at the office.” Dad shoves his hands in his pockets and grits his teeth.

Hilarious, I’m not quite cut out for commodities and such. Or working for my dad. Or living with my parents. Or shooting the shit with my mom.

I plaster on a fake smile and say, “Guys, I will find a job and be outta here in a few months. Trust me. Now, where are my boxes of schoolbooks?” I dash to the kitchen to grab a Diet Snapple from the refrigerator and study the Metro North train schedule pinned to the memo board. “Shit, holy fuck, I need to be on the train in ten minutes!”

“Language, Natalie!” Mom shakes her head and scrunches her nose. Even though my mom has never been south of the Mason-Dixon, she firmly believes I could be the next debutante of Savannah if I watched my vulgar mouth.

Dad scurries to the garage, fondling for his keys. “I’ll drive you, the boxes are in the garage. Let’s go, Nat!” I chase behind him, ignoring mom’s plight for another hug and rummage through the first dusty box. Anatomy, Philosophy, some shitty paperbacks, yes! I find something en français!

“Okay, I’m ready. Let’s go!” I plop down in the passenger seat and instantly adjust the air-conditioning in my direction, hogging the frigid coolness of the entire car.

“Natalie, I’m not backing out until you buckle up.”

Merde! Vas te faire foutre!

“Fine. I’m buckled, now drive!” I snap in the seatbelt and put on my sunglasses. It’s exactly a four minute drive to the station, but there’s no doubt Dad will chat me up until all the energy is sucked right out of me.

Dad thumps his fingers on the steering wheel and asks, “Have you talked to Chloe? I’m sure I could convince Marty to let her stay with us. You girls could be women of the night in New York City.” He smiles goofily, not understanding what he just implied.

“Women of the night are hookers, but you’re probably right, Uncle Marty would totally be cool with his daughter and niece running a brothel.”

I glance out the window at the Greenwich mansions disguised as unpretentious cottages. Family homes, mainly, because there are absolutely no single men in this town, only married men looking to bang the hot Canadian.

When we moved to Connecticut, it wasn’t really a big deal at the time because I was going to college and I would never really call this place my home. I have maybe two girlfriends and they’re both bitches. Last summer I had the misfortune of dating a guy in the neighborhood, and holy shit, he was so boring with all his talk of golf and his constant need for me to pet his cock. I have to get out of here soon or one of those wood-shingled mini-mansions will be my coffin.

Dad laughs at his mistake and quickly adds to his comment. “I meant to say that you and Chloe could have a lot of fun together. Tell me, what would you be doing at this company? Do you want me to fire some questions at you?” Luckily, I see the entrance to the station and simply find it easier to flash him a smile and pat his leg.

“Dad, I will get a job.” But what I really want is a life.

He turns into the small parking lot fit for a movie set as I put on my pumps. Dad stops as close as possible to the ticket booth with the car idling. I grab my book and tea and delicately exit into the sweatfest of commuter hell.

“Natalie, you’ll be great. Call us when you leave.” Dad reaches toward my door and gives me a thumbs-up. I blush as a young kid passes by and returns Dad’s fatherly gesture with a middle finger. He’s like thirteen, but seriously?

“Eh, nique ta mere, you little jerk,” I yell after him. I lean into the car and smile at Dad. “Thank you for . . . everything.” After shutting the door, I head to the ticket booth and purchase my roundtrip golden ticket for a whopping fifteen dollars. Climbing the platform to my destiny, I say a silent prayer.

“Cute.” A sexy voice with a hint of boyish charm interrupts my concentration. I’m pretty sure there were only five people waiting for the train, so which asshole marked me as someone that wants to chat? I look up to see who’s disturbing my French cram session, and holy fuck, my panties may drop by telepathy.

The stats:  sandy brown hair long enough to form a little flip near his ears, smoldering navy eyes, bitable pink lips, slight shadow on his rigid jaw, thick neck . . .
keep going
, broad shoulders, fitted shirt, hairless chest . . .
lower
, muscular thighs, bulge in his crotch . . .
look
at his hand
, ding, ding, ding, NO RING! This guy doesn’t know it, but he’s been the muse of most of my private sexual pleasure.

“Sorry?” I say, wondering if that one comment was a pick-up line.

“Your book.” He motions to
Le Petit Prince
resting in my lap. I mean come on, it was the first thing I grabbed and now it’s going to be my ruin.

“Oh. Just a little light reading for the train.” I smile, hoping he catches my sarcasm.

“Right. I have a couple Dr. Seuss books in my bag, but I still haven’t mastered the comings and goings of Dick and Jane.” His smirk is full of arrogance as his knee brushes against mine. “You look vaguely familiar, Greenwich High?” He tilts his head trying to place me, and I predict that he will be placing me beneath him in the near future.

“No, I went to school in Toronto,” I answer.

“Ah, tennis club?” He runs his eyes up my legs and stops somewhere around my tits. I cross my legs in the other direction, totally toying with his boyish mannerisms. My calf rests against the outside of his knee, so he spreads his legs further apart in order to trap me inside him again. Hot.

“Do you honestly think I engage in physical activity with knockers like this?” I smile seductively as his head snaps back in laughter.

He licks his lips and runs his hand through his hair. “Damn. Well I’m sure I would enjoy
you
bouncing around on a tennis court.”

C’mon, I know all the sleight of hand tricks, I’ve mastered them. Now it’s my move. I lean forward to place my hand on the inside of his thigh, right above his knee.

“I’m Natalie. We should fuck. And then maybe go to the library.” Now, before I’m deemed the supreme whore with no business being so incredibly forward, this shit works. Get it all out in the open. No confusing expectations and no prolonged banter only to find out they’re gay or married. Take the power and make him earn it! Besides, I love the way a man tries to mentally process information while his dick instantly commits to whatever I want.

“Holy shit, I thought women like you were an urban legend. I’m Zach, and before we make plans to go the library, let’s discuss the sex.” He squeezes my legs between his thighs, not the least bit thrown by my forward behavior. Zach leans forward and places his large hands on his knees, teasing the edge of my skirt with his thumbs. “Tell me, Natalie, why were you in Greenwich?”