The Agreement (51 page)

In the middle of the night, I got up and went to
the bathroom. I closed the door and turned on the light to check my wound and
my eye was already bruising. I was going to have a black eye.

I turned off the bathroom light and went back to
the bedroom. Drake was asleep, his breathing slow and deep. Seeing him lying
there, knowing that he was so uncomfortable with a normal romantic
relationship, I felt a sense of grief somewhere in a dark corner.

I wanted more from him, but I had the sense that
it was impossible. I'd have to settle for what he could give me. I'd have to
accept only seeing him in secret several times a week, when we were lucky. It
made me sad, but it was just the way things had to be.

I didn’t want to stay there feeling the way I
felt, so I dressed quickly and snuck out of the apartment. I hailed a cab and went
back to my own apartment. I couldn’t pretend to be 'in scene' with him after
that. It felt too much like 'pretending'.

So, at just after three o'clock in the morning
on Christmas Eve Day, I was getting out of a taxi outside my apartment building
when who should get out of a parked car but Dawn.

"There you are," she said, rushing
across the street to me as I had the key in the lock to the building. When I
realized it was her, shock went through me.

"
Dawn
," I said, acutely aware
of my bandaged head and now-bruising black eye. "What are you doing
here?"

"Your father was trying to get a hold of
you but you weren't answering your phone. He was worried about you and called
me at work. I was so
worried
about you."

I pulled out my cell, curious as to why I never
got any calls. Then I saw that my cell had shut off, the battery dead. "Oh
crap," I said showing her. "The battery died." I shrugged.

Then she saw my injury.

"Kate, what
happened?
"

"I fell," I said, stumbling to come up
with an explanation on the fly. "I had to go to the hospital and get
stitches."

"Oh you poor kid. How did you fall?"

"I slipped on the way to the bathroom in
the dark."

She saw my wristband from the hospital ER and
took my wrist in her hand. "St. Luke's? Why didn’t you
call
me? You
should have come to Harlem and I would have stayed with you."

"We're not really on friendly terms…"
I said and sighed. "Listen, I'm really tired. I'm going to bed."

I opened the door and before it closed, I
turned. I didn’t want to antagonize her.

"I'm sorry I didn’t answer your calls. I
didn’t even
know
you had called. Why are you even here?  You've
just been sitting in your car?"

"I got off my shift at 3:00 and thought I'd
come by and see if you were at home. I was almost ready to call the police.
Kate, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine," I said. "I'm over it.
Look," I said, wanting to leave. "I have to go to bed. Thanks for
being concerned about me but I'm fine. I'll charge my phone and send my dad a
text."

I forced a smile and went inside, leaving her on
the sidewalk. I just couldn’t lie to her any longer.

Crap
. Almost caught.

I didn't sleep the rest of the night, wondering
if Dawn would accept my explanation and what Drake would say when he learned I
was almost caught. Instead of sleep, I looked over an article I was writing for
Geist
but in truth, my heart just wasn't into it. That black hole of
sadness threatened at the thought that Drake and I wouldn’t be able to spend
time together during Christmas, except for a few hours where we might be able
to fuck. I enjoyed my time with him – more than I thought I ever could,
but I felt as if something was missing. Tonight, Drake's reluctance to just be
with me as an ordinary couple having vanilla sex made me sad in a way I didn’t
think I'd feel so soon.

I had to face it. He was the hottest man I had
ever met or could imagine. I never thought I'd have as many orgasms as I'd had
with him. I never thought I could get so deeply into bondage and D/s. But if
he'd hoped to keep our personal lives separate from the kinky sex, he'd failed
miserably.

I knew too much about him. He was too human to
me and not just a mysterious and very hot Dominant. He was someone I really
liked.

Regardless, I couldn't have him that way. With
another man, I might be able to have those things – going out for Sunday
brunch, going to movies, spending time together with family and friends. Living
a vanilla lifestyle. I knew I'd never feel with another man in a vanilla
relationship what I felt with Drake.

Given a choice, at that point, I chose Drake.
There was no hesitation. But I still felt this mote of sadness somewhere deep
in my chest. A sense of loss.

I sighed and pushed it back into its dark dusty
corner, ignoring it for as long as possible.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Once my phone charged, it blinked on and showed
that I had ten text messages and five voice mail messages. I yawned and picked
it up, checking to see what my father and Dawn had sent. I just finished taking
a shower, a towel wrapped around my body and my head.

My father had texted me first, wanting to know
how I was doing. When I didn't answer as I usually did, he called and left a
message.

Katie, is everything OK? Call me. I know you're
still upset about Drake. If you need to talk…

He called me
Katie
. He must really be
worried about me. Once again, it struck me how strange that my father,
the
Drill Sergeant
, wanted to talk to me about a breakup.

Then Dawn called and asked where I was.

Your father's worried about you. I'm worried
about you. Why aren't you answering?

She texted me three times, each one more
frantic. At 3:05 a.m., just before I arrived, she sent a final text.

Do I have to call the police to come break down
your door? Where are you?

Crap. I was that close to her doing so. Luckily,
she only came to my apartment, waiting outside.

I sent a text to my father, hoping he got it
first thing and wasn't worried. He seemed to calm down long before Dawn did.
His last voice mail at midnight was far less anxious.

Just give me a call, dear, when you get this
message.

That was it. Drake and I would have to be more
careful. Dawn was suspicious. She was willing to wait outside my apartment… Was
she hoping to catch me with Drake?

At about 5:30, while I was sitting on the couch,
watching CNN, my phone dinged, indicating a new text.

Drake.

Why did you leave?

I looked at the message for a few moments,
trying to compose a response in my mind.

I couldn't sleep. You were sleeping like a baby.
I didn't want to wake you up so I just left.

In a few moments, he replied.

You can always wake me up. I wanted you to stay
with me so I could watch over you, make sure you're all right. Kate, I'm a
neurosurgeon. We get concerned with any kind of head injury. You should have
stayed until I said you were OK to go home. Do you have a headache? Nausea?

Poor Drake. He really was worried. He must be
angry with himself over the fall and my injury.

I'm fine. My mind just won't slow down. I have a
deadline and am working on my article.

In a few seconds, he responded.

You think too much. When you're with me, you
don't have to think. That's what I'm for. But I suspect something's bothering
you for you to leave without saying anything. Tell me what's the matter…

I sighed. Of course, something was bothering me.
This
keep everything separate on the plate
requirement of his. I felt
like he was leaking into my life, into my thoughts, and I wanted him in it. He
didn't want me to mix in the separate compartments he kept for things. Kinky
sex. Neurosurgery. The Foundation. The Band.

Drake, I still have to think, even when I'm with
you. I still have to think when I'm not with you.

You want the truth?

He didn't respond for some time, as if deciding
if he wanted it. Finally, he called. When I saw his name on the caller ID, my
throat choked up. I ignored his call and texted him instead.

Drake, I don't like being shoved into a small
box in the corner of your life.

He called again, but I ignored his call once
more, my emotions too close to the surface. He replied to my text.

You're not in a small box in the corner. In case
you didn't realize it, you’re in a very big and very central box in the middle
of my life.

That made my heart melt a bit, but still, it
wasn't what I really wanted. If I was honest with myself, if I let my self
really feel what I was feeling, I knew being in that box would never satisfy
me.

I don't know if that's enough.

I bit my nail and waited for what he said to
that, afraid that he'd break it off with me if I pushed things, but wanting to
be completely truthful. He said that a Dom had to trust that his sub was being
completely truthful and not just trying to please him by lying.

I'm coming over.

Oh, God. He
couldn't
come over.

Don't. It's too much of a risk.

When he didn't reply right away, I knew he was
coming anyway. How many times would I have to run away from him for his own
good?

I had to leave the apartment. I couldn’t be here
when he arrived. I dressed quickly, grabbed my bag and left through the rear of
the building, taking the back alley, intending to walk to my one place of
refuge when I'd been a student. The library at Columbia.

I walked down the street, wanting the air to try
to calm myself. If he did come by my apartment and Dawn was there or had
someone watching me, at least I wouldn't be there. I could write it off as
Drake being unreasonable.

I texted him once more.

I'm not at my apartment any longer so don't come
by. Don't risk it. We'll talk later. I just need to be alone for a while.

He wouldn't give in.

Being alone is the last thing you need, Kate.
Meet me at 8
th
this morning. My
surgical slate is empty the rest of the week because of the holidays.
 

I was just about to reconsider when Dawn texted
me again.

I called my friend at St. Luke's. I know
everything. The ER doc you met with thought you had been abused, Kate. WHAT IS
WRONG WITH YOU? I'm calling your father.

Oh, God…

I texted her back right away, my hands
shaking.  I had to stop this. I had to end this now.

Besides the fact that you and whoever gave you
access to my personal records could get in big trouble, you should know that
I'm ending it with Drake. I realized that I can never be anything to him
besides a kinky sex partner. He's not into having a real relationship with a
woman – no girlfriend, no dating, no romance, no marriage. I realize this
now. That's why I was coming home so late, Dawn. He can't give me what I need.
He's not what you think – he's a good man. He never hurt me
ever
.
What happened was an accident when he was showing me how to Jitterbug. But he
can't love me and I know that now. It's not enough for me.