The Accidental Mother (35 page)

She shook her head and tried to focus on a way to untangle this mess she had made for herself. She thought about Bella and Izzy, and how she felt about them. She loved them too, and she felt this fierce, overwhelming urge to protect them from anything that might hurt them. She found she wanted more than anything else in the world to know for sure that neither of them would ever be hurt again.

Sophie drew her arms tighter around her and watched the sea.

It was so simple, really. She knew with a sudden clarity that there was no dilemma. All she had to do was what was best for the children, for Carrie, for Louis, and for herself. She had to do the only thing that would preserve each of them from suffering any more hurt.

She had to leave.

If she left now, the girls would still think about her happily, they would still love and trust her, and she would always be someone they could turn to. Sophie felt that by going she would be keeping her promise to Carrie, always, forever, whatever. She would be able to love her friend’s memory instead of spending every day trying to compete with her ghost.

And if she left, Louis’s pride might be a little stung, but it was better to make this break now.

Sophie knew if she went back to her old life, eventually the routine of work and home would insulate her once again against the threat of love and loss that was looming over her now. She would have back the life she had treasured so dearly. A calm, cool, peaceful life. She would be able to do whatever she wanted, when she wanted.

Knowing that comforted her, but at the same time it made her cry even harder. She forced herself to stand and start walking slowly and stiffly back to the B & B. Sophie knew then that the darkest hour really was before the dawn.

T
he road ahead was clear, so Sophie put her foot down and floored it, watching the speedometer climb steadily past eighty and toward ninety. It was the first time she had speeded since Izzy had arrived in her life and every torturous car journey had had to be taken at a steady twenty miles per hour in the city and a laborious seventy on the motorways. Sophie had expected to find the freedom of having her car back to herself as just a machine—the child seats removed, the Manic Street Preachers silenced at last, and the cat sunscreens stuffed in the glove compartment—much more exhilarating than she did. But driving as fast as she could get away with, nothing but the sound of Phoebe’s—the car’s—engine quietly humming, had somehow lost its joy.

A mountain of black cloud was building on the horizon ahead, and Sophie knew that somewhere in her near future it would be raining very hard, but she kept her foot down all the same, heading toward the bad weather with steady determination. She had told herself that once she was back in London, back in Highbury, and back in her flat she would be able to hear herself think again and start to make sense of the way her life had turned itself inside out and upside down without any notice or warning. Better still, she decided not to think about it at all. Not have to think about everything that had happened with Louis last night. Not have to think about the way she’d left the children that morning. Not have to think about everything that had happened leading up to that parting, because she was sure that as soon as she got home, everything would be all right.

But home was a few hundred miles away yet, and still Sophie kept playing the events of the last two days back again and again in her head, like trying to make sense of a foreign-language film without the subtitles.

After returning to her room that morning, she had re-dressed herself in clean clothes and then helped the girls as much as they wanted her to as they chattered and giggled and chose each other a rainbow collection of colors to wear. Sophie had looked on, relieved that Izzy seemed to be over the trauma of her tumble in the ocean and was now just enjoying the excitement of it, building the adventure with every rhythmic retelling.

The hour and a half that Sophie had had to wait between joining Louis for breakfast and nine o’clock had seemed like an eternity. As she’d sat across the table from him, Sophie had felt that she was almost visibly smothered in the vividly persistent memories of the night, as if Louis’s mouth and hands had left marks on her skin that revealed where each kiss and each caress had been.

She had poked at her breakfast with a fork and sipped her coffee, smiling dimly at the girls as they chattered and made plans for the day. It was exactly as it had been the previous morning, except that Sophie did not speak directly to Louis and he didn’t talk to her. It had been clear to Sophie that Louis was just as certain as she was that this had all been a foolish mistake.

When 9:00
A.M
. had finally come and normal office hours resumed, Sophie had excused herself from the table and returned to her room, only to find that her cell phone battery was dead. Self-consciously she had slowly descended the stairs, waving at the girls as she fed the B & B’s pay phone with a pound coin and a fifty-pence piece, and dialed Tess’s number.

“Gosh, I haven’t even got my coffee yet!” Tess had exclaimed breezily. “How’s it going down there? Any progress?”

Sophie had watched the family of three at the breakfast table, talking and laughing. “Yes,” she’d said with mechanical honesty. “It’s going really well. Things sort of came to a head yesterday. Bella and Louis had a talk—they’re deciding where to live. Bella wanted to stay in the old house at first. But they haven’t made up their minds yet.” Sophie had paused, realizing that she still didn’t know what the two had said to each other on the beach. So many things had happened right after that; she hadn’t had a moment even to draw breath, let alone talk properly to Bella. “They seem much more relaxed together now. Both the children seem to be looking forward to staying down here permanently. I think everything’s going to work out how you wanted, Tess.”

Louis had looked up at that and caught Sophie’s eye. She had immediately turned her back on his gaze, although she’d thought she could still feel it touching her.

“…excellent,” Tess had been finishing a sentence.

“The thing is…,” Sophie had begun. “Something’s come up at work. They really need me back at the office, like yesterday. And I know Louis still has a lot to do down here, what with having to finding a house, solicitors, estate agents, sorting out the girls’ school and nursery and stuff. So I was wondering how long will it be before everything’s finalized?” She’d taken a deep breath. “What I’m trying to say is, Can I leave the girls with him now? Down here?”

Tess had not answered right away. “Sophie,” she’d said after a moment, her voice weighted with concern. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Sophie had reassured her far too quickly to be credible. “Everything’s really fine!”

Again there’d been a moment’s uncertain silence.

“Do you need to bring the girls back with you, take them away from Louis? You can tell me if there is
anything
to be concerned about,” Tess had pressed her.

“No! God, no, not at all, Tess. He’s been fantastic, really. I truly believe he will be a great dad.” She had told Tess the truth, even though every word hurt her. “It’s just…I don’t think they really need me now, and work does. And then there’s Artemis; she really hates it when I’m away, even with Mum looking in on her, so I thought that if it was all right, I could leave them here. Is that okay?”

“This seems a bit abrupt,” Tess had said, still fishing. “Look, Sophie, if you’ve had another falling-out with Louis, then I’d really like to know—”

“There’s nothing wrong, Tess, I promise you,” Sophie had said firmly. “The girls will be fine with him. More than that, they will be happy.”

“And there’s no way you could stay a little longer?” Tess had urged her. “Listen, Sophie, are
you
sure you just want to go like this? Those children—especially Bella—have come to rely on you. This will still be a difficult enough transition for them, even if things are going well with Louis. I know it must be difficult, but if you could stay just a little longer, I’m sure they would really appreciate it—” The pay phone beeped in Sophie’s ear as she considered what Tess had said.

“Sophie?” Tess had questioned her.

“I’m out of money,” Sophie had lied. “I have to go. Thanks for everything, Tess.”

“But what about the girls?” Tess had said hurriedly. “Think about them, please.”

“I
am
thinking about them,” Sophie had said. “I have to go back. I have to go back because of them.”

But the line had already gone dead.

When Sophie had turned around, Louis was ushering the girls up the stairs.

“What did you say to Tess?” he had asked her tensely.

“I told her I have to go back to London today,” Sophie had said, unable to look at him.

“You’re leaving today?” Louis had asked her, as if he hadn’t quite heard. Sophie had nodded.

“Don’t worry,” she’d said. “I didn’t tell her anything.”

Louis had taken a step closer. “Sophie, don’t leave just because of what happened last night, it was—”

Sophie had stepped back. She hadn’t wanted him to say that it was nothing, it wasn’t important. “Look,” she had told him before he could complete his sentence, “it’s time for me to go. I should go now before…” She had glanced up at the ceiling. “Before it all gets out of hand. It’s for the best that I go.” Somehow she had managed to tell him three times that she was leaving, but he had still looked as if he didn’t quite believe it. He had probably thought she was making a huge drama out of nothing.

There had been a long pause, and Sophie had got the sense that Louis had been forming and re-forming sentence after sentence in his head, searching for the appropriate thing to say.

“You don’t have to say anything,” she had told him.

He had just bowed his head for a second before looking back at her. “Just don’t lose touch with the girls,” he had said eventually. “They really need you.”

Sophie had nodded abruptly. “I know they do,” she’d said. And then she’d walked back up the stairs, leaving Louis at the bottom, trying to work out exactly how she was going to say good-bye to Bella and Izzy.

The motorway was busy, but Sophie weaved confidently between lanes, overtaking truck after truck and, at one point, sitting on the tail of a car until it moved over to let her speed by, the driver mouthing probably justifiable obscenities at her in her rearview mirror. But Sophie didn’t care, she wanted to be home.

As she had knelt to kiss the girls good-bye, Izzy had wound her arms around Sophie’s neck and whispered in her ear. “Don’t forget, drive specially careful, okay?” repeating the promise that Sophie had made to her before every road trip they took together, regardless of its length and destination.

“I will,” Sophie had promised her. It was a promise she had broken more or less immediately, and now she felt an irrational pang of guilt. Reluctantly, Sophie curtailed her speed and moved over to the slow lane. It would take her longer to get home, but at least it was one less thing to feel bad about.

Bella had accompanied Sophie on her final trip to the local grocery store that morning. Sophie had wanted to buy a few cans of Coke and some chocolate for the trip, as she was determined to make it back to London without stopping once and didn’t care if she required junk food to do it.

They had walked, hand in hand, down the steep hill that the B & B sat on, following the bend of the road into St. Ives, cutting through the steps that led deeper into the town.

As they had reached the bottom of the steps, they’d paused and looked out to sea.

“It’s a lovely day today,” Sophie had said. “You can smell spring in the air, can’t you?”

“Let’s go and look at the waves,” Bella had said, tugging her hand in the opposite direction of the store. Sophie had sensed that Bella wanted to say something, so she did not object. They’d walked toward the sea, and Sophie had followed Bella down the harbor steps onto the beach, relieved to see that the tide was out and the sand was dry.

“I wanted to make sure that you’re okay with Louis now,” Sophie had said. “I saw you talking, but I never asked you what he said.”

The breeze had whipped Bella’s hair across her eyes, causing her to clamp her bangs back from her forehead with one palm. Sophie had looked into her brown eyes, which were hardly ever so visible. She was such a beautiful child.

“Will you stay if I say I’m not happy?” Bella had tested her. Sophie had touched Bella’s cheek. “You know I would,” she had said honestly, despite how much it would have cost her. “But are you?”

Bella had released her hair, crouched down on the sand, and begun to dig up half a shell. Sophie had knelt beside her and watched.

“He told me he was sorry for everything that had happened, that he’d been a rubbish dad, and that things had happened differently from the way he’d planned but he was here now and he loves us and would always do his best. He said he’d never let us down, not ever.”

Bella had begun to clean the shell with the hem of her T-shirt. “Sometimes grown-ups do let you down, even when they say they won’t. But it’s still Daddy,” Bella had said as she cleaned. “It’s still Daddy under there. I remember him more now that I’ve met him properly. I’ve missed him. I’m glad we’ve made up.”

She had handed Sophie the shell—half a clam—rough and graying on the outside, but with soft pink and a gently luminous sheen on its smooth inner surface.

“Thank you,” Sophie had said, running her thumb over its contours. “So you are happy to stay here with him and Izzy then? What about the house?”

“I am,” Bella had said slowly. “And we’ve decided to look at other houses and see if there are any that feel right for all of us. But I still don’t want you to go.”

Sophie had bowed her head. “I have to,” she’d said into the wind.

“You don’t,” Bella had said, quickly. “I’ve been thinking. I know you have a job and everything, but people have parties in St. Ives all the time. I’m sure you could get a job doing parties here. And Artemis could come and boss Tango around, he’d like that.” Bella had caught hold of Sophie’s wrist and tugged it so that Sophie looked into her face. “Please don’t go, Aunty Sophie, please don’t.”

“It’s not just work, Bella,” Sophie had said, forcing herself to be hard. “I was only looking after you for a bit and—”

“But you do love us, though, don’t you?” Bella had asked her anxiously. “You said you did before.”

Sophie had put her arms around Bella and pulled her half onto her lap where she was kneeling in the sand.

“I do love you,” she’d said. “Can’t think why, but I do. That won’t change just because I have to go back. We’ll see each other often, and write, and you can send me pictures and phone me and…” She had paused, willing her tears not to fall, willing herself to be strong for Bella.

Then Sophie had lifted Bella off her lap and turned her around so that they faced each other, both kneeling on the sand, her hands on Bella’s shoulders. “Bella, I have to go back,” she’d said as she pushed herself into a standing position. “There are reasons that you can’t understand…”