The Accidental Mother (31 page)

As Tango twisted anxiously out of Bella’s arms and scooted behind the sofa, Izzy stuck her thumb in her mouth and climbed into Sophie’s lap.

“I’m not pretending,” Louis said carefully, since the wrong intonation could have blown everything. “I know I was wrong to leave you the way I did, Bella. I’m so sorry—”

“But why did you, why?” Bella shouted, standing up, running at Louis, and bringing her fists down on his legs. Izzy buried her face in Sophie’s hair and tightened her arms around her neck. Sophie squeezed her back.

Louis leaned forward and put his arms around Bella’s stiff shoulders. “I don’t know,” he said softly. “I was stupid and selfish and wrong. And I’ve regretted it and missed you all every minute since. And most of all I wish I’d spoken to your mum again and told her how sorry I was. Because I am so sorry, Bella. I am so sorry, Izzy. I am so sorry.”

Izzy slid wordlessly out of Sophie’s lap and crossed to Louis’s, flinging her arms around both father and sister and drawing them together in a hug.

“Don’t make us live somewhere we don’t know again,” Bella said.

“I won’t make you do anything,” Louis said, but Sophie could see the stricken look on his face. She knew that coming back to this house would be unbearable for him. A permanent reminder of what he had lost, of what it seemed he’d thrown away.

“Why don’t you think about it?” Sophie suggested quietly, afraid to intrude on this moment, noticing how Bella had relaxed into the embrace of her family and buried her head in Louis’s shoulder. “It’s been a very difficult day for you all. Coming back here is a very big step, and perhaps you need to talk and think a bit more before you decide anything. What do you think, Bella?”

Bella’s face emerged from Louis’s hair, and she roughly wiped the back of her hands across her face. “I need to ask you more things,” she told Louis. “And to ask you more things before I know what to do.”

Louis tense’s and stricken face visibly lightened at words that anybody else might have found intimidating. It was clear he wasn’t afraid of might happen between him and Bella. He was just glad that some kind of relationship had started at last.

“And we need to ask Tango where he wants to live too,” Izzy added solemnly, fishing the cat out from his refuge and squeezing him hard, and as Sophie looked at Tango, she felt certain he’d want to live wherever Bella and Izzy lived.

“We’ve got a lot to talk about,” Louis said to both of the girls. “But I think we’ll work it out.” He said it so hopefully it made Sophie’s heart hurt.

“Yes,” Bella said. “I think we will.”

S
ophie waited on the far side of the narrow street as she watched Louis, Izzy, and Bella chatting with their next-door neighbor, who occasionally interrupted the conversation with rapid-fire kisses and bear hugs for the children. The three were gradually becoming a family again, Sophie could see, the bonds between them slowly tightening. Bonds that did not include her. She wished she could at least take some credit, but she felt it would have happened sooner or later anyway, even if the girls had never crash-landed in her life. Even if she’d gone on blissfully unaware, organizing corporate parties on the fourteenth floor of her very own ivory tower, ironing her hair weekday mornings, wearing her pajamas all weekend. Even without me, she thought, they would have found one another.

As for her, soon she’d be going back to that life, and everything would be exactly the same as it had before. Well, not exactly the same, Sophie decided.
She
wouldn’t be the same.

She thought about her job, her flat, and her tiny, insular social life, which she barely managed to maintain, and the same question people were always asking her came into her head: Why? What was all that hard work and near solitude for?

Sophie didn’t know the answer, but that wasn’t the revelation. What she realized—standing across the street watching Louis, Bella, and Izzy talking to their old neighbor—was that she had
never
known.

The three said their good-byes and crossed over to join Sophie.

“She seems nice,” Sophie said automatically, holding out a hand, which Izzy took as she hopped up on the curb.

“She is,” Louis said. “She was really pleased to see me.” He sounded so surprised that he must have had his own reservations about coming back to a town small enough for everyone to know everyone else’s business. He must have wondered if he would be thought of as a returning hero or an unwelcome villain. The fact that at least one old friend had been glad to see him must have come as a relief.

“I’ve got an appointment with a solicitor after lunch.” He glanced at Sophie. “Would you come with me? I could do with a bit of moral support.”

She was touched that Louis had asked her. “And the girls?” she asked.

“If you were just outside or in the foyer, it would really help,” he told her levelly.

“Oh,” Sophie said. “Well, okay then.”

She felt a little glow of pleasure that Louis wanted her to just be there. A glow she quickly put out. She had to curtail this crush, she had to, because, unlike her previous imaginary dalliances, she sensed that this one could really hurt her badly.

“And then,” Louis continued, entirely oblivious to her inner turmoil, “I suppose we should visit estate agents, and employment agencies.” He sighed. “It’ll be weird being a wage slave again,” he said. “Still, got to be done. Anyway, let’s go for a walk on Porthmeor Beach while the weather’s good, shall we?”

“Yes!” the girls chorused, and Izzy swung Sophie’s hand as they headed down to the beach.

Izzy raced off as soon as they reached the beach, instantly tumbling over and rolling around in the damp sand.

“She’ll be wet through!” Sophie worried, but Louis only smiled.

“She’s three and she’s having fun. Getting wet won’t hurt her,” he said, chuckling indulgently at his daughter’s high spirits.

“I’m going swimming!” Izzy called out to them, her voice almost carried away by the wind as she raced toward the choppy sea, still dotted with surfers. Unable to employ the kind of laissez-faire that Louis displayed, Sophie instinctively raced after Izzy, a fact that thrilled the three-year-old more as she squealed and dodged Sophie’s attempts to catch her. Woman and child chased each other recklessly a few feet from the edge of the surf for some minutes, until finally, all her fears forgotten, Sophie grabbed Izzy around the waist and fell backward onto the sand. Izzy turned in Sophie’s arms to face her, the rising wind whipping Sophie’s hair between their faces, tickling Izzy’s nose and making her laugh even more.

“We’ll have fun, won’t we?” she said, her eyes bright with laughter. “When we all live here in our new house. You and me can chase each other every day!” Sophie extracted a hand from underneath Izzy’s body and held her rebellious hair back from her face, fighting that pang of loss again.

“Well…,” she began, but just at that moment the tide rushed in a little higher and bathed the left side of Sophie’s body with an icy caress.

“Bananas!” Sophie said, remembering for once not to swear. Izzy squealed with delight as Sophie picked her up and they ran out of the reach of the encroaching tide. Once they were at a safe distance, Sophie set Izzy down and looked at the soaking band that ran the length of her jeans.

“We’ll have to go back and get changed,” she told Izzy, who was running around her in a circle and probably not as bothered about being wet and cold as she was. Sophie looked at the clouds that had grown and darkened. “It’s going to rain anyway,” she said. “Come on, Izzy, let’s catch Daddy and Bella up.”

“No!” Izzy said, disagreeing reflexively. “I’m going paddling!”

“Don’t be mad,” Sophie said, absently scanning the beach for Bella and Louis. “In this weather?” Eventually she spotted a pair of figures, surprisingly small in the distance. It looked as if Bella was walking a step or two ahead of her father, and Louis was talking, Sophie could tell, because he used his hands just as much as language to express himself.

For a moment the wind dropped and a beam of sunlight broke through the clouds as Sophie watched the two distant figures, wishing she could work out what they were saying to each other just by looking at them. And then Bella stopped suddenly, and in one stride Louis caught up with her. There was another beat, perhaps a few more words exchanged, and then, without looking, Bella began to walk on again, except this time she held out her hand, and Louis took it.

And then the wind rose again, this time bringing with it something else.

Izzy was screaming. Sighing, Sophie looked around the beach, expecting to see her in proud possession of a not-so-dead crab or a bunch of seaweed.

But Izzy was not on the beach.

“Izzy!”
This time Sophie screamed; a cold drench of fear flooded her chest. Dimly aware of Bella and Louis stopping in their tracks and turning around, Sophie shouted again,
“IZZY!”
and then she saw her, or rather her red anorak, billowing and blooming as it was buffeted by waves, and her heart clenched in dread.

Izzy was in the water.

Sophie did not know what she was going to do or how she was going to do it, but she knew, she absolutely
knew,
that she had to be there in the water with Izzy. She knew that she must not lose sight of her, that she must not let Izzy’s head disappear beneath the waves again before she was at her side. Sophie ran into the surf without feeling the shock of cold as the water rose to her thighs and then to just above her waist, only the resistance of the water slowing her run to a frustrating wade. Somehow Izzy was still afloat and managing to hold her face out of the water. As she got closer, Sophie could see the terror in the little girl’s face, and then suddenly the sea was on her side and the tide washed Izzy right into her arms.

Sophie held on to the child, who was still screaming and struggling, as tightly as she was able against the pull of the retreating tide. She didn’t know how fast the tide might come in, but she knew she had to get out of the water as quickly as possible before she was forced to try to swim instead of walk ashore. It struck her in a moment of clarity that there was a chance, a real chance that if the tide was strong enough and the wind cruel enough, everything might go horribly, wrong for both of them. She felt a fear sharper than anything she had ever felt before, a fear that made her weak, her legs buckling beneath her. And then she remembered Izzy in her arms, and she tightened her grip on the girl and steadied her legs.

“I’ve got you,” she said as she tried to turn back toward the beach.

Then Louis was in the water with her, lifting Izzy out of her arms and propelling them back onto land. Bella ran into their legs as they emerged and flung her arms around the sodden group, and two or three surfers and some passing dog walkers gathered around them.

“You all right?” she heard a woman ask kindly.

“Do you want an ambulance?” another asked.

Sophie shook her head.

“Bella, careful,” she heard herself say to the girl clinging to her legs, her voice remarkably calm. “You’ll get all wet!”

“I don’t care!” Bella said, and the four stood grouped together, arms around one another for a moment, Izzy still crying hysterically, unable to believe that she was safe.

“Dude, take this,” a young surfer, his suit still wet from the sea, offered them a huge beach towel.

“Thanks, mate,” Louis said gratefully, taking it and the other towels that were offered. “Come on,” he said, his voice shaking. “We’ve got to dry off.”

Louis came into Sophie’s room carrying a tray of steaming hot drinks. “Four hot chocolates courtesy of Mrs. Alexander,” he said, setting the tray down on the dressing table before looking up at Sophie and the children. She, Izzy, and Bella were huddled under the covers on the double bed, all of them in their pajamas and Sophie with one arm around each child’s shoulders. Fortunately, she had found a children’s program on the TV, and Izzy watched it intently, sucking the thumb of one hand, a finger of the other twirling her hair round and round. Bella was watching Izzy, her dark eyes fixed on her sister as if even in the safety of the double bed she had to keep an eye on her, just in case.

Louis smiled for the benefit of the group, but his face was still flushed from the cold, and Sophie could see he was still shaken.

“What kind people on the beach,” she said. “Helping us to get dry, and that lady that brought us tea from the café.”

“Yeah,” Louis said, smiling. “That’s what I love about humanity. Just when you start thinking the whole world’s full of selfish, cruel individuals, you realize that actually, given the chance, all we want to do is be nice to one another and help each other.”

“Way deep, dude,” Sophie said wryly, but she knew what he meant. She’d learned so much in the last few weeks.

“Anyway, how are you girls feeling?” he asked the threesome, sitting on the edge of the bed. Two of them ignored him, and Sophie just shrugged. She wasn’t sure how to answer.

“I’m fine,” she said, with a small smile. “I think I’m getting the feeling back in my toes. It might not be frostbite after all.”

He nodded, clasping his hands together as if he didn’t know what to do with them. “Mrs. Alexander’s called a doctor just to be on the safe side. She’ll be here in about twenty minutes. It’s amazing that Izzy didn’t swallow more water,” he said, looking at the transfixed girl. “It’s incredible that she stayed afloat. I think her anorak must have acted like a sort of temporary water wing, trapping air underneath it.”

“Maybe,” Sophie said. “I mean, really, it was all over so quickly, wasn’t it? I suppose it wasn’t that serious at all.”

Louis looked at her. “It was serious enough for a three-year-old,” he said with feeling.

“I’m sorry, Louis,” Sophie said, with unexpected emotion. “I’m really sorry. I just took my eyes off her for a moment…”

Seeing she was distressed, Louis reached out and touched her shoulder. “Don’t be sorry. I was the one who said getting a little bit wet wouldn’t hurt her. Kids get into scrapes, especially Izzy. But you were there to help her. That’s what counts. So thank you.”

“I didn’t do anything much,” Sophie said, feeling her skin flare under his intense scrutiny. She sat up a little so that Izzy’s head rested on her stomach. Bella shifted out of the embrace and turned onto her side. She appeared to have fallen asleep. “I just waded in—”

“You were really brave,” Louis insisted.

“Not that brave,” Sophie said, feeling abashed. “A bit stupid really. I can’t really swim.”

Louis blinked at her, and the color drained from his cheeks. “Right,” he said.

Izzy finally broke eye contact with Barney the dinosaur and reached out a hand to Louis. “Daddy,” she said. “Cuddle too.”

Louis took her hand and, moving to the head of the bed, put his arms around Izzy, stretching one leg out on the bed, leaving the other planted firmly on the floor.

“She said she wanted to go paddling!” Sophie whispered as Izzy settled back into her program. “I didn’t think she meant it! I should have remembered—when a three-year-old says she is going to do something, she really means it. I only took my eyes off of her for a second. I’m so sorry, Louis. I mean, what if—” The now familiar wave of panic surged through her again.

Louis shifted slightly and, using his arm that was around Izzy’s shoulders, picked up Sophie’s hand. “I said don’t be sorry,” he said, tightening his finger around hers. “Not you.”

Sophie was sure the only thing that saved her from spontaneous combustion was Izzy, rejoining the conversation once again.

“Mummy
is
in the sea, Sophie,” she said conversationally.

Sophie looked down at the little girl with surprise. Instead of the nervous wreck that Sophie had expected, with a newly acquired phobia of water to add to her long list of terrors, the child seemed amazingly serene.