The Absolution of Aidan (The Syndicate Series Book 3) (9 page)

I start to laugh. “I’m sorry,” I say through my laughter.

“I wouldn’t laugh too long if I were you.” His expression is determined and his phrasing strained. This has affected him as much as it has me.
Well, obviously, Deidre. He is sporting a very nice erection.

“Why not?” I say. Sarcastically.

“Those nipples of yours are pointing straight at my mouth.” I look down, and shit, they are. They’re so damn hard, they’re protruding like a semi’s blinding high beam headlights.

“Not so funny now, is it?” He steps back into me, his hands gripping firmly at my waist.

“My cock has been dying to get inside of you again for a very long time. Don’t think I won’t take you raw, hard, and deep right here. And one more thing, the next time I take you, and there will be a next time, I will take you bare, no barrier. By the way I look at the situation, we’ve already made a baby. I’m clean. I have no doubt in my mind you haven’t been with anyone else since me. So when I do fuck you, your ass will be full of everything my cock has to offer. That one kiss just put all kinds of dirty thoughts into my head. Now, I have a boy to meet. Do you think you can handle introducing me to him?”

He pulls away from me. Every single part of my body wants him back up against me. Raw, hard, and deep? Oh, geez. And bare?
I’m not sure about that one, buddy.

I fight it and fake it. This is what we do to each other. This is what we will always do. The one thing I know for a fact is, those words spoken about having me again are going to wage heavily on my scattered brain. It was only a few hours ago I told myself I would be fine with my bob-ette. After that kiss, bob-ette is going in the trash. I’m human. I rotate with the revolution of the earth like everyone else. Today, my world has been tilted off its damn axis.

When daylight crested, I was fine. When early morning crept upon us, I was nervous. When noon hit me, I was livid. Now that’s its early afternoon, I’m happy. Good lord, what I really am is an emotional glob of wet confusion.

AIDAN

“Mom?” Deidre calls out when she opens the door. My fucking nerves have my hands shaking. Realization is sinking in. I’m about to meet my son. Hours ago, I had no clue he even existed.

“How did it go?” Deidre’s mom’s eyes grow wide the moment she stands up from the chair she was sitting in and notices the both of us standing there. The book she has in her hands falls to the floor.

“Hello Aidan.” The expression on her face is easy to read. She’s gone into protection mode. Her gaze is shifting straight to her daughter, her eyes pleading for her to say everything is all right.

Deidre picks up on her mother’s tension quickly. “Everything’s great, mom.”

Relief flashes through Beth’s features. I’m no fucking idiot. I watch her mother go from a woman who more than likely has been by her child’s side for the past year to a woman whose entire demeanor fills with relief and gratitude.

“Diesel is sleeping.” Her voice trails off quietly.

I clear my throat. The way her mom is looking at me, I feel as if she needs to hear from me that everything is and will be all right. I’m not abandoning my child. No damn way.

“I’m not going anywhere, Beth. I give you my word. This may not have completely sunk in yet, and I have no clue what the hell I’m doing, but I promise you I’m not leaving your daughter or our son.”

“Thank you, Aidan.” Her voice is trembling with either thankfulness, or the woman just lost all of her pent-up worry she more than likely has been carrying around for a long time. I suppose all of it.

I watch tentatively as Deidre gives me a keen smile, tosses her wallet on the couch, then takes hold of my hand, pulling me behind her down the hall.

Standing outside of the room I slept in when I stayed here has me feeling emotions I cannot begin to explain, knowing my boy is sleeping right behind this door.

I look down at Deidre, who has excitement seeping out of her, while me, I’m a damn mess.

And then I hear him. The sweet sound of a tiny, little voice making noises. My hand instantly grabs the handle of the door, pushing it open.

“Aidan,” I hear Deidre say my name. I keep moving like a madman. I need to see him. To know he’s real. This boy of mine.

And fuck me. When I approach the side of his bed, his head turns my way. Big, blue eyes stare at me. I’m unable to move.

There are no words to describe this incomprehensible feeling. This little man and I stare at each other. Me with great intensity, him, well hell, I have no clue what’s running through his little brain right now.

“Shit, he’s…” Deidre comes up beside me. “Perfect,” she whispers. In that moment, he takes his eyes off of mine and swings them to his mom. I cannot wait for the day when he recognizes the sound of my voice like he does hers.

“Hi, buddy.” Reaching in, she picks him up with ease. His chubby hands go right to her hair. I stand here having trouble fucking breathing in the fact that this little guy is my creation.

He was unquestionably not planned, but my god, hearing Deidre’s next words nearly bring me to my damn knees again. I’m a father.

“Look, Diesel. I want you to meet your daddy.” She turns him around so he’s facing me. If I open the floodgates and let my tears go, that would be twice in one damn day I’ve lost it. Only these are tears of joy. Right now, I’m holding them back. Son of a bitch. This little boy is a miracle. How you can immediately fall in love with someone you don’t even know, want to do everything to protect them, to show them you will live up to the word dad, pop, or whatever name he decides to call me, is beyond me, but Christ, I’m here. I will always be here for this kid.

“I’m going to go home,” Beth speaks from the doorway. Her eyes are full of tears, but unlike me, she lets them flow freely down her face, exposing her happiness for her daughter when her lips angle upward into a smile.

“Thank you, mom,” Deidre says without turning away from me. Her own eyes are wet. Hell man, this joyous emotional shit is all new to me.

I go back to looking at my boy. He’s looking at me again. It’s like a bond has already been formed between the two of us, and I haven’t even touched him yet.

“Go sit over there, Aidan. For god’s sake, you look scared to death.” Deidre tips her head toward a rocking chair in the corner. This is when I gather my first glimpse of my boy’s room. Fucking hell, this woman has some badass taste. I’ve never given a thought to decorating a room before, let alone a kid’s. My apartment is plain. Black, white, and gray are the only colors throughout the entire space I live in. Now, the divine colors in this room seep into my skin, making me feel colorful, not bleak and dreary. Fucking hell, this is real.

“Damn.” I let out a puff of breath and take in my surroundings. The walls are painted orange and black with a strip of chrome down the middle. A few Harley Davison photos are hung on one wall, and in big black letters above his kickass black-framed crib with Harley sheets and a blanket is his name. I suck in a breath. Close my eyes and move to the rocking chair, my long legs stretching out before me when I sit.

“Here.” Leaning forward, she places him in my clumsy arms, adjusting my hands to hold him how I’m supposed to, I guess. Fuck if I know.

“He won’t hurt you, Aidan. Loosen up. I’m going to just,” she points her finger behind her, “let you have some time with him, then I’ll come back and change him.” Then she leaves me with no choice and all kinds of shit running through my head, like what if I drop him or what the hell do I even say to a three month old?

Right here, right now, I finally understand what the word love means as I scan this little boy’s face. His body is stretching in my lap. Love is this magical little boy, who a man like me does not deserve. I’ve done some fucked up shit in my life. I will continue to do the same every day, but one thing I will never do is fail him. Not fucking ever.

“Hey, dude.” I try my hardest not to cry. Jesus, I cannot help it, the tears drift down my face. What the hell did I ever do in my life to be holding a miracle in my hands? To see him looking up at me as if he knows who the hell I am? I see so much in his eyes. A life full of memories. Good ones. Not the shit life I’ve lived, not knowing what kind of mood my mother would be in when I came home from school. Or if one morning I would be called a bastard, and the next the person who ruined her life. Screw that. He’s going to have the best childhood memories any child can have.

“You have a kick ass room here, boy.” His tiny hand reaches upward, and when I place my finger in his, he grips it tight. Badass right there. Strong.

“Are you a tough little man?” He mumbles and grips my finger tighter. This is the purest love can get. I’m pulled to this little boy. My heart is aching to promise him I will never let him down, never make him feel less than the true person he is. Never leave him with a void in his heart so deep that he looks in all the wrong places just to be able to feel.

He will never have to try and earn my love, because he already has it. My unconditional, irreplaceable love.

“You doing all right?” Deidre walks in. I cannot help but travel my eyes over her body. She’s changed into a pair of those tight yoga pants and a loose tank top that’s hanging off one of her shoulders. Her tanned skin is exposed. Am I an asshole for wanting to bite her shoulder? Then turn around and lick her exposed neck all the way up to her mouth? No, I’m not. I’ve always been drawn to her. Knowing she gave birth to my son out of her sensual body makes me crave her all the more.

I temper my shit down. We have so much to talk about before I have her under me, but I will have her. She’s mine. Both of them are.

“I’m not ready to give him back if that’s what you mean,” I shrug.

“Well, I need him so I can change his diaper. Unless you want to do it?” She starts laughing wildly.

“What? You don’t think I can change him?” I joke.

“No, I don’t. But hey,” she holds up her hands in defeat, “have at it.” She walks toward a small table and pulls out a diaper and what looks like some cream and a bunch of other shit. Fuck, I should have just handed him to her.

“Come on, big daddy. Let me give you your first lesson.” She twists that cute, little body of hers around, her eyes beckoning me to come to her. I look from her to the baby. How the hell do I stand up?

“Put your hand under his bottom and the other under the back of his head, Aidan, and just stand.” Her arms move in a dramatic upward motion.

I do as she says, wondering if this women’s retreat she stayed at taught her how to read minds too? I stalk over to her with steady hands. She reaches out, taking him from me, then lays him down and steps back.

“What?” she mocks. Her hands go to her hips. Little Miss Sass is back, and she finds this shit funnier than I sure as heck do.

“Get the hell over here.” I grab her gently by the arm and tug her to my side.

“Oh, no. You need to learn just like I did. Undo those little tabs right there, then lift his butt up and take the diaper off.” Demanding little witch.

“I’m doing this shit,” I say. And I do. I got this shit down the first try. Powdered his little ass, cleaned around his junk, and put the diaper back on.

“Oh, my god,” she belts out in a humorous laughter. Her hands go to her thighs. Tears start to form down her face as she cackles away.

“What the hell?” I say, baffled at this crazy ass woman, who cannot seem to get herself under control.

“You dip shit. You don’t put the dirty diaper back on. You grab a new one. Oh, my god!” She keeps on with her laughter. Fuck. I thought I had this shit.

“I’m sorry, Aidan, but this is funny.”
Yeah, what the fuck ever
, I want to say to her. Her goddamn facial expression does not show any remorse whatsoever.

“There’s a bottle on the kitchen counter. Will you grab it? Let me do this. We’ll be right out.” She’s wiping her tears off her face.

I watch her pull the diaper off of him, grab another wipe, and clean him up again.

“Didn’t I clean up his junk right?” I mimic her stance from a minute ago, my hands on my hips.

“Junk? You do not call a baby boy’s tally wacker his junk.” I laugh. Then stop. Then internally laugh. God. She’s totally serious right now. Well, so am I, damn it.

“Junk sounds better than tally wacker. I mean, what kind of name is that? I know he’s a baby, but hell, can’t you come up with a better name for his manhood than that?” I point my finger in his direction.

“Fine. Penis. Don’t call his P.E.N.I.S. junk.” I debate what my response to her little outburst should be, running my hand across my chin.

Taking a few steps back, debating how to respond to her ridiculous remark, I see her fine ass in my line of view. Fuck this, I’m not saying anything. I go to her. My arms wrap around her tiny waist. She flinches then relaxes when I lay my head on her shoulder and watch.

“He’s perfect, Deidre,” I whisper in her ear.

“Yeah,” she answers. God damn, I want nothing more than to kiss her senseless right now. To dominate her. To fuck her. It has nothing to do with the fact she’s the mother of my child, not this time. It has everything to do with the fact I have never gotten her out of my mind. Not one damn day went by that somehow, someway she crept into it.

She squirms away from my embrace, which pisses me off. She felt too damn good in my arms.

“Um. The bottle,” she says as she lifts the baby up, shifts her way around me, and stalks out the door. That cloud of fucking smoke that just crawled up her ass is about to explode when I tell her what I have on my mind. It may turn into a burning fire, one I’m not afraid to put out. I’m staking my claim right the fuck here and now.

I stand in the hallway that separates the living room from the kitchen, barely out of sight, listening to Deidre talk to our son as she feeds him. Her tone is light, nurturing.

The shadow of the side view of her face is all I can see. The way she looks at him, speaks softly, telling him how much she loves him. I was never a man to get into this sentimental shit, yet right now, I feel what I can only describe as warmth spreading throughout my entire body that my child has a mother who loves him, who will help teach him right from wrong, who will show him what it’s like to let someone into your heart.