The 2014 R.L. Mathewson Chronicle Collection (16 page)

Part IV

Christmas Day

              “Enjoy,” Zoe said with flourish as she placed another platter on the coffee table in front of them. With one last smile, she walked away, leaving them sitting there, staring at an assortment of what appeared to be stuffed mushrooms, deviled eggs, mini éclairs, fudge, onion dip and a big bowl of potato chips. Since they were pretty sure that the chips were safe, they all reached for the bowl.

              “Ow! Share, you greedy bastard!” he snapped at his father, who’d managed to swipe the large bowl of chips and hug it tightly to his chest.

              “I’m starving thanks to your mother,” his father snarled, grabbing a large handful of chips and shoved it in his mouth. “She refused to feed me this morning, because she didn’t want to wreck my appetite!”

              “Zoe cooked me a coffee cake, but I was too afraid to eat it,” Trevor admitted with a heavy sigh as he sat back against the couch. “She wouldn’t let me in the kitchen so I could grab something to eat. She’s banned us all from the kitchen again.”

              Except for Haley and his mother, Jason noted as he sat there running everything he knew about Zoe, her cooking and the fact that the women and children in this family couldn’t seem to get enough of her cooking. At least, they couldn’t seem to get enough of Haley’s cooking today and on Thanksgiving. All the meals that she’d cooked since Thanksgiving had been met with wary glances and piss poor excuses.

              He watched as his boys walked into the room, paused, grabbed the plates that Zoe had placed on the table for them and dived for the food. As he watched his sons fight over the platter of deviled eggs, he realized something very important.

              This wasn’t Zoe’s cooking.

              He should have realized it much sooner, would have realized it, if he hadn’t been so terrified of having a repeat experience of Easter dinner. The food looked and smelled good, and while most people would have figured it out sooner just based on that, he’d learned his lesson. With Zoe it was either hit or miss, she could make the food look good, even smell good, but it would end up tasting like dog shit mixed with dirt. He’d starved on Thanksgiving, but he wouldn’t be starving today, he decided as he waited for the kids to go back upstairs. Once they were gone, he swallowed by his fear, leaned forward and picked up a deviled egg.

              “What the hell are you doing?” Trevor demanded in a hiss as he threw a nervous glance towards the kitchen door.

              “Confirming my theory,” he said, taking a bite out of the egg.

              He chewed it for a few seconds before his eyes slowly slid shut and a groan of appreciation tore through his throat. It was so damn good. He popped the rest in his mouth and was reaching for another before he’d even opened his eyes and found his cousin and father staring at him, looking shell-shocked.

              “It’s safe,” he said, popping another egg in his mouth.

              “No,” Trevor said, shaking his head in disbelief, looking tortured.

              “How can that be?” his father asked, glancing at the delectable looking food surrounding them, the food that he now realized had been placed in front of them to torment them.

              “Because, gentlemen,” he said, grabbing a handful of stuffed mushrooms, “our wives have been playing us.”

*-*-*-*

              “You should have seen his face!” Zoe said, laughing so hard that tears were no streaming down her face.

              “I can’t believe he ate cereal while the rest of you were eating leftovers,” Haley said, chuckling as she murmured, “Thank you,” to one of the caterers as they placed more stuffed mushrooms in front of them.

              “It was priceless!”

              “I thought Jared was going to cry,” his mother said, chuckling as she picked up her glass and took a sip of what appeared to be fresh apple cider.

              “Did you indeed?” his father asked, startling the women, who at least had the decency to look guilty as they sat there surrounded by even more delectable looking treats and the living room television, the same one that they’d been denied so that they’d been forced to sit there and notice all the food they didn’t think was edible.

              “I-It’s not what it looks like,” Zoe rushed to explain as she jumped to her feet.

              “Really?” Jason asked, taking the lead on this one. “Because it looks like the three of you have been in here, laughing your asses off at us while having a grand ole time.”

              “Well, ummm,” Zoe said, worrying her bottom lip as she sent Haley and Megan pleading looks only to discover the other two women trying to make their escape through the back door. “You betraying bitches!”

              Haley shot him a nervous glance, shaking her head frantically she backed away towards the door, “I’m not taking the fall for this, Zoe. I’m sorry, but I can’t!”

              “I’m sorry,” his mother whispered, turning and making a run for it, leaving Zoe to face their wrath.

              “Ummm,” Zoe murmured, turning to face them. “There’s actually a really good explanation for all of this.”

              “I just bet there is,” he said, glancing around the large kitchen, taking note of the caterers cooking, mixing and dicing as well as the insane amount of food covering every available surface. Once he’d taken inventory of the delectable treats that awaited them, he glanced back at the small frightened woman. “And what exactly would that be?”

              “Well, you see-
Pie
!” she suddenly shouted, pointing past them.

              When they didn’t glance away, she chuckled nervously with a shrug. “It was worth a shot.”

              “I’m sure that it was,” Trevor murmured thoughtfully as he advanced on his wife.

              “I-it was just a joke,” she said, glancing at the back door even as she quickly backed away.

              “It was hilarious,” his father said dryly.

              “Well, maybe not for you, but for us….ummm, never mind,” she said, deciding that it was probably for the best if she stopped talking right now.

              “You are in so much trouble, sweetheart,” Trevor said, closing in on his wife.

              When her back hit the wall, she squeezed her eyes shut, took a deep breath and practically shouted, “Arrangement!”

              Trevor went completely still. Every muscle in his arm and neck went taut as he stared down in disbelief at his small wife. One second his cousin was standing there, staring down in shock at his wife and the next he was throwing her over his shoulder, shoving everyone stupid enough to get in his way and racing out of the room, leaving him to stand there with his father and all the caterers sharing nervous glances.

              “Alright then,” his father said after a stunned moment of silence. With that, they were walking over to the large kitchen table covered in food and sitting down.

              “So, how much is this all costing my cousin?” Jason asked, picking up a small chicken tender and dipped it in what looked like sweet and sour sauce, already deciding that he was going to pick up half the bill for this meal and for Thanksgiving.

              “Just the cost of food, sir,” a middle-aged woman wearing a chef’s jacket said with a smile as she held out a tray of pumpkin pudding treats in front of him. “My boss owed Zoe a huge favor. She found some mistakes in the books that almost cost her the business so as a thank you, she agreed to cater the holiday meals for your family this year.”

              “I see,” he murmured thoughtfully as he selected a delicious looking treat and handed it to his father.

              “I want the bill for both meals,” his father said, popping the treat in his mouth.

              “They’ve already been paid for,” she explained politely as she stepped away and returned to main section of the kitchen.

              He shared a look with his father and with a silent nod of understanding they focused on the food. They’d take care of this bill and the tip, but they’d also be planning their revenge soon…..very soon.

Black Friday

              “No,” Jason mumbled into his pillow, wondering when his beautiful, yet obviously crazy, wife was going to give up and go away.

              “Please!” Haley begged, readjusting her grip around his wrist before she tried to pull him off the bed, again.

              “I’m not going,” he said, easily pulling his hand free so that he could place it beneath his pillow and out of grabbing distance from the small woman that he was obviously going to have to look into having committed.

              “Please!”

              “No.”

              “But-”

              “Get Zoe to go with you,” he said, turning onto his side away from her, hoping that she took the hint and let him get back to sleep.

              “I want you to go with me,” she said with a little sniffle that would have had him rolling his eyes if he hadn’t been so damn exhausted.

              “Not happening,” he muttered, wondering when the woman that he loved and adored would stop trying to drag him out of the warmth of their large, comfortable bed so that he could go stand outside for four hours in a line full of psychotic woman willing to freeze their asses off to save a couple of bucks.

              “Then you’ve left me with no choice,” she said firmly seconds before she-

              “Oh, this is just fucking sad,” he said with a sigh as he felt her throw herself across his back.

              “Either agree to go with me or I’m not moving,” she said, sounding smug, which just made it sadder….so much sadder.

              “Fine with me,” he said, satisfied that she was finally giving up and allowing him to get some sleep on his day off.

              There was a long pause before Haley said, “I didn’t want to do this, but I’m afraid that you’ve left me with no choice.”

              “Uh huh,” he said around a yawn.

              “If you don’t get out of the bed and take me to the store right now I won’t cook for you for a month,” she threatened, rather adorably.

              “Then I’ll just get take out or go to my mother’s house for dinner,” he pointed out, turning over onto his side and away from the woman determined to drive him out of his mind.

              “Fine, then if you go with me I’ll cook whatever you want for a month,” she offered and as tempting as that offer was, it wasn’t enough to get him out of this bed.

              “No.”

              “Sex?”

              He snorted at that, because they both knew that she wouldn’t be able to hold out on him for very long. She loved sex almost as much as he did. Besides, he knew all the ways to make her want to-

              “If you get out of bed right now I’ll make you two bowls of buttercream fros-”

              His eyes shot open and he was out of that bed and in the shower before she could finish that thought.

*-*-*-*

              “How’d she get you here?” Trevor asked, taking a sip of his coffee.

              “Buttercream frosting,” he said, taking a sip of his hot cocoa as he ignored the trio of angry soccer moms trying to push past him again. “You?”

              “Yankees tickets.”

              “You’re bringing me,” he said, leaving the fact that would beat him within an inch of his life unspoken since they both knew that he was going.

              “You buying the beer?” Trevor asked, pointedly ignoring the trio now trying to push past him.

              “Deal. You driving?” he asked, shifting to the left so that his arm was pressed Trevor’s when the smallest of the trio tried to squeeze past them.

              “I figured we’d ask your dad to drive,” Trevor said, pressing in tightly against his arm to help block the psychotic woman who was now groaning and grunting as she shoved against them.

              “Are you boys okay?” Zoe asked, not bothering to look up from the flyer that the store employees had handed out an hour ago, which had set the crowd off to near riot levels.

              He’d never seen anyone go nuts over a flyer before, but these women had shoved, punched and bitten everyone around them in order to get their hands on one of these flyers. While everyone around them, including his wife, had gone nuts over the flyers, he’d stood there snapping pictures and taking videos along with Trevor.

              It was just pathetic to see adults act like this over a few sales, he thought, taking another sip of cocoa and shaking his head in disgust.

*-*-*-*

              “Are you getting this?” Zoe asked.

              “Every last second of it,” Haley said, still not sure if she should be horrified or laughing her ass off.

              “Do you think we’ll need bail money?”

              “Without a doubt,” she murmured as she watched her husband, who up until an hour ago had been a rational human being, tackle Trevor to the ground, tear the crockpot out of his cousin’s hands and take off at a dead run towards the sporting section only slowing down just enough to drop the box in her carriage and tell her, “Guard it with your life, woman!”

              “You bastard!” Trevor shouted, dragging himself to his feet and shooting the crockpot in her carriage a murderous glare before taking off after his cousin.

              “You want to see if they have microwaves left or follow them?” she asked, calculating the battery life left on her phone.

              If she did this just right, she should be able to record another hour of video before the guys were either dragged off in handcuffs or got the crap kicked out of them by the little old woman with the walker they’d pissed off over a stack of hand towels and who was even now slowly shuffling past them, a look of determination on her otherwise sweet face as she followed after Trevor and Jason. The baseball bat that she had sticking out of her basket was a little concerning, but Haley figured that the little old woman would probably settle for knocking one of the guys down with her walker and kicking them with one of her orthopedic shoes before she reached for the baseball bat.

              “Microwaves,” Zoe admitted with a shrug. “I’m kind of getting bored watching them.”

              “Me too,” she said, putting her phone away.

              “You son of a bitch! That was my food processor!” they heard Jason yell from somewhere in the store.

              The little old woman seeking revenge paused and with her eyes narrowed, shifted direction and heading for the home appliance section.

              “Do you think that they have any more of those Lindt chocolate Santas?” Zoe asked around a yawn as they waited for the old woman to shuffle back past them.

              “I think I saw a display of them over there,” she pointed towards the toy section just as Trevor ran past them. Well, more like flew past them as Jason tackled him before he could drop the food processor in Zoe’s carriage.

              Zoe nodded, ignoring her husband’s pleas for help. “We should get some for the kids.”

              “And some chocolate cherries for Grandma,” Haley said, pushing her carriage in that direction only to pause long enough for the little old woman to shuffle past them once again.

              “And some truffles,” Zoe said, kicking a discarded package of toilet paper out of the little old woman’s path.

              “Thank you, dear,” the little old woman said, giving Zoe a warm smile as she reached for the bat and headed towards where their husbands were now wrestling on the floor by the teapot display.

              “You’re welcome,” Zoe said as they headed towards the chocolate display. She really hoped they still had some of those chocolate Santas. They would be the perfect stocking stuffers for the kids.

 
A Christmas Party from Hell

              “Tell me again why we’re going to this thing,” Trevor said, rubbing his hands roughly down his face as he sat there, praying that someone, anyone would call him with an emergency that would save him from having to go to this thing.

              “Because it’s going to be fun,” Zoe said cheerfully for the benefit of their children who were all sitting in the back glaring at their mother for making them do this.

              “I didn’t want to say anything, but,” Sebastian started to say only to pause with a heavy sigh, “I can’t go because this conflicts with my religious beliefs.”

              The smile on his wife’s beautiful face disappeared and her eyes narrowed to slits as she slowly turned around to face her son. “You can’t go to a Christmas party at your school because of your religious beliefs?”

              “Yes,” Sebastian said with a firm nod.

              “You’re Catholic so how exactly does going to a
Christmas
party conflict with your religious beliefs?” she demanded.

              Sebastian didn’t miss a beat as he said, “Because it’s stupid.”

              “Because it’s stupid?” Zoe repeated, seeming at a loss when it of course made perfect sense to him.

              “Yes, I don’t believe in attending things that are stupid,” he said with a straight face that made Trevor lock his jaw and avert his eyes from the rearview mirror, afraid that he’d laugh if he looked at his son right now and wrecking what appeared to be their one and only chance to escape this nightmare.

              “I see,” Zoe murmured thoughtfully before she asked, “And do you believe in getting an allowance.”

              “I’m a devout believer.”

              “Then I suggest that you get your cute little butt out of this car, get in there, laugh, smile and be joyful or I’m going to have to abstain from giving you your allowance for the next ten years!”

              “
That’s sacrilegious
,” Johnny hissed in outrage on his brother’s behalf.

              “It is what it is,” Zoe said, opening her door and climbing out as he sat there, contemplating doing something that would probably end with divorce, but right now as he watched the stick thin janitor they were trying to pass off as Santa Claus walk past his car he was willing to risk it.

              He glanced at the rearview mirror and met the determined gaze of his children and with a nod, they all agreed that the risk was worth it. He moved his hand to put the SUV in drive when Zoe opened his door, reached over him and pulled the keys out of the ignition.

              “I’ll just walk home,” he said, determined to do whatever it took to avoid this party.

              “You do that,” she said, stepping back and opening the back passenger door and gestured for the children to get out.

              With their eyes narrowed on their mother, they did just that. Knowing that they were good and truly fucked, he climbed out of the car. For a minute he considered making a run for it, but he couldn’t do that to his children. He also couldn’t tell the kids that they didn’t have to go. He loved his wife and would never undermine her authority in front of the kids so he was going to have to suck it up and go, but not without making his terms clear.

              He leaned down until his mouth was by Zoe’s ear and whispered, “After we put the kids to bed you’ll have five seconds to strip naked and get on your hands and knees with your ass up in the air to make up for this shit.”

              “Fine,” she said with a shrug and what sounded like a smile as she gestured for the children, who were now including him in their glare, to go inside where a night of hell awaited them all.

*-*-*-*

              “Please tell me that you’re kidding,” she said, rubbing her temples as she watched the Donna, the head of the PTA, nervously lick her lips as she took a cautious step back away from the table where up until five minutes ago, she’d been selling slices of pizza.

              “I guess we didn’t order enough,” she said with a smile and a shrug as she gestured towards the long line of disappointed parents and children. “We weren’t expecting this big of a turn out so we only ordered a dozen pizzas.”

              “I see,” she said, but she wasn’t really listening. She was too busy looking around, searching for something that would save them all, but unfortunately for everyone, all the baked treats and bags of stale popcorn had already been sold.

              She stepped away from the line, trying to keep it together. She had to find her children and husband and get them out of here and to a restaurant before they ended up doing something that was going to get them another featured spot on the ten o’clock news. She glanced around the large cafeteria searching for her husband and children, but they weren’t here.

              Trying to stay calm, she pulled her phone out and called Trevor, but thirty seconds later she was shoving it in her back pocket and freaking out a tad bit. She should have made sure they’d eaten before they’d left for this party, but stupidly she thought there would be plenty of food here to hold them over. She’d been wrong. So wrong…..