That's a Promise (25 page)

“Didn’t think I’d see you here, Josie,” he said softly. His hard jaw looked tense as he spoke, but his eyes told me he was sad. It upset me that he really didn’t think I would be there for him on a big day like that.

“Of course I would come, Blake,” I said exasperated. “Why would I not come?”

“The way you left me a couple weeks ago might have given me that impression,” he said, anger lacing his tone.

“You’re… mad…? You’re
mad
? Are you joking?” I asked, anger boiling over.

“I mean, it wasn’t really something that would have made me happy,” he said back.

“You yelled at me, Blake. Told me you wanted space, and then pounced on me. I am sick of the goddamn mixed signals. I want to know if you want to work this out, or if you plan on continuing to push me away. Because if it’s the latter, then I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” I said finally. I said what should have been said as soon as he started distancing himself from me in the first place.

I could see him working his jaw, and knew from his lack of eye contact, that this wasn’t going to end the way I wanted it to. He sighed and shook his head. When he finally looked at me, he didn’t look like the Blake I fell in love with. This Blake showed no remorse or emotion. He was blank.

“That’s probably a good idea. I’m too busy to deal with this relationship right now.”

I felt like he had stabbed me in the heart. He had deduced what we had to some meager relationship that could be tossed away easily, and I was heartbroken. I let myself fall in love with him, but I didn’t know I was giving him permission to destroy that gift.

“I-,” I started, but choked on my words. He just stared at me without any emotion. I was in shock, and I couldn’t even continue my sentence. I just closed my eyes, and blinked back the moisture that was starting to gather in my eyes.

I will
not
cry over this man,
I thought. Shaking my head, I decided to just turn and walk away. I walked toward the door, but Blake’s hand grabbed mine, forcing me to turn around. I didn’t want to look at him in his stupid emotionless face, so I kept my chin up and faced away from him.

“Josie…,” he said. It sounded like he wanted to tell me something, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up.

“You have something to say that can make this better, Blake? Because if you don’t then you need to let go of my hand, and let me walk out of here.” I could barely talk, my vocal chords were being obstructed by my emotions.

“I’m sorry, Jo. I don’t want to stop seeing you, but there’s just too much going on. I’m going to keep pushing you away and you deserve better than that,” he said, after a good minute. I nodded and pulled away from his grasp.

“Good thing you have Alice to comfort you, huh? Glad she was able to be there for you this past weekend so she could finish what I started,” I said, whipping around to walk out the door. I wasn’t quick enough to miss his shocked expression. It hurt that he showed emotion about my accusation but not about breaking up with me.  

I held my head up high, and walked down the stairs as graciously as I could. I may be a short girl with a willowy body, but I could never say that I wasn’t a force to be reckoned with in that moment. I would get over Blake Porter, and
I knew I would be happy again.

Chapter 22

Summer 3 years earlier

I was miserable.

Ok, I wasn’t completely miserable, because I still had my family and best friends around. But I
was
miserable at night, when the silence would assault my brain with memories and desires.

My dads knew as soon as I came home that something was wrong, and no amount of forcing myself to sit on my hand, could hide the fact that I was lying that everything was okay. Eventually, I told them the truth, and they told me all the things dads do: “you’re too good for him,” “you’ll find someone else,” “he’s just not thinking clearly right now,” and “I’ll chop his balls off.” The last one was courtesy of Dad. Daddy chastised him for his comment, but he couldn’t hide the laugh I heard when he turned around.

I tried reading to take my mind off the fact that I wasn’t worth fighting for, but I couldn’t find a book that let me escape. Instead, I focused on my future career. I talked to multiple schools both in Wilson and in Raleigh, and I was offered a part time job by a local elementary school to teach summer school. It was exactly what I needed.

June and July went by, and I stayed focused on helping my students. I was good at teaching. I loved working with kids, and I really felt like I was making a difference while I was in that classroom. Those thoughts may have been farfetched since it was obvious those kids had no desire to be sitting with me in that hot classroom, but it helped me feel better.

Brooke spent most of June with me, and I think I would have fallen apart if she wasn’t there. She stayed at my house, and we grew much closer in that month. I told her everything. I told her about Seth and me, to which she was offended that I hadn’t told her the sexy details sooner. I told her about Blake and the breakup, about my anxieties about not being able to get over him, and about how much I hated Blonde Bitch. But most importantly, I finally opened up to Brooke about my life after I was raped. I told her I was terrified of ever feeling that way again, and she did everything she could to help comfort me.

Seth was constantly busy that summer. It was the first time we didn’t spend the summer hanging out because we were both trying to get ourselves into better positions in the career field. He went on a lot of trips to different places to take pictures. He also booked a couple of shoots from people who were looking to get risqué photos done. He loved capturing basic nature, but he also had a passion for taking steamy photographs of couples. I had seen some of his work, and he was remarkable at what he did.

When Seth wasn’t busy with his new career, he was working on his dad’s farm. There were some days that I would drive over and help him with some of his work. Ok, that’s a lie. I would sit there and talk or read while he worked diligently. I really did enjoy watching him though. He put on a good show when he took off his shirt, letting me see all his tattoos glistening with sweat. It made it hard to look at him as just a friend when he looked like that,
and
when I felt extremely lonely.

When August came around, I was finished with summer school and was sick of learning new recipes from Daddy. I couldn’t handle the loneliness any longer. I went the summer without a word from Blake, which made me sad and furious, but most of all unwanted.

There were two weeks left before I had to leave for senior year, and I felt like I was drowning in the silence and loneliness. I knew that there was one person out there who would make me feel wanted without the strings attached.

Just for two weeks, then we can stop again,
I told myself.

That thought was exactly how I ended up on my way to Seth’s house, to try to convince him to have sex with me again. When you spend the summer hoping the love of your life will eventually call or text but get nothing, you kind of feel like you need a little affection.

I pulled up to Seth’s house and noticed movement by the barn, so I started walking up the hill towards him. He was wearing some worn out jeans and a plaid button down t-shirt that he left open, and he was taking pictures of the horses. When he saw me walking towards him, he smiled and raised his camera to his eye.

“Wait right there, Pussy Cat. You look like a fucking angel with that lighting,” he said, and started snapping some pictures of me. I was laughing and posing for him while the camera made constant clicking noises. Eventually he put his camera down, and leaned against the entrance to the barn. His blue green eyes were sparkling as he looked at me. I leaned on the opposite side of the entrance.

“What’s up, Josie?” he asked.

“Seth… I… you’re my best friend. You know that right?” He nodded his head, but didn’t say anything. His face turned serious as he waited for me to say what I needed to say to him.

“Seth, I need to feel wanted. Again,” I said at a barely audible decibel. I knew he heard me, though, because his body turned rigid.

This is a bad idea. He made it clear it wouldn’t happen again after last summer,
I thought.

Chapter 23

Summer 4 years earlier

I had not said a word to anyone for months.

I wouldn’t talk to my parents. I wouldn’t talk to my therapist. I wouldn’t talk to my best friend. I did my daily activities: went to school, ate, showered, and homework, but I did them without much thought. I felt as if I still had a huge rough hand wrapped around my neck, because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t bring myself to act like everything was okay.

When I closed my eyes I was assaulted with flashes of that night. I would curl up into a ball, and rock myself as I tried to bat away the flashbacks. Daddy would come into my room and rub my back, trying to calm my fits of terror. He always knew when I was suffering inside, and he would simply hold me until I calmed down. Sometimes he would tell me stories and current gossip, but most of the time, he just rocked me.

I was angry. I was hurt. I was sad. I felt violated. I felt defiled. I couldn’t get the voice out of my head that kept telling me that it was my fault, and that no one could save me.

Seth called every day while he was away at school. Most of the time I ignored his calls, but sometimes I would click the green button on my phone. While I didn’t say anything, he never let that deter him from continuing a conversation with me. He would talk about his classes, his new friends, his professors, parties, family, and anything else that would pop into his head. He never gave up on me. For a year of silence, he was there for me.

On his breaks from school, he always came to my house and slept with me. He whispered to me that he would always be there for me whenever I was ready to talk, and that he loved me no matter what. The turning point for me was one of those conversations during spring break. He admitted to me that he was so burdened with guilt; he couldn’t get over the fact that he wasn’t there before Michael had violated me.

“I will never forgive myself, Josie. I am so sorry I didn’t do more,” he said choking on his words. My walls started breaking apart as I listened to him struggle not to cry. He had never mentioned how he felt about what happened, so I didn’t even consider how it would have affected him. I grabbed his hand and squeezed tightly while we laid in my bed.

“I’ve missed you,” he whispered to me, turning his head to look at me with tears in his eyes.

“It’s not your fault,” I said quietly to him. As soon as I said the words to him, he pulled me into a big hug and burrowed his face into my hair.

“You don’t know how good it feels to hear your voice,” he said. We stayed like that for the rest of the night, and I finally felt like I could breathe again. I can’t explain why hearing his confession of guilt broke down my walls, but it did. It flipped a switch in me, and I knew that I wasn’t the only one who was hurt that day. I had to make myself be happy again. I needed to make sure Seth never felt guilty for what happened, and hopefully in the long run I could make myself better.

I would always be haunted by the memories, but when Seth saved me, he gave me another chance to live. Death did not succeed that night, and I had been living my life as if it had. When summer came around and I was finished with first year at the community college, I was almost completely back to normal. Seth and I spent the summer together, and got closer than we had ever been.

The next year was much better than the last. I finally started talking to my therapist, and even though I didn’t go over the details of what happened that night, she helped me feel more comfortable talking. I realized how much better I was doing, when the trial for Michael had started. I still had panic attacks, but I got through it because Seth and my dads were there every step of the way. When he was sent to prison, I felt relieved. Like a big weight had been lifted.

I was going to be going to NCSU in the fall, and asked Seth to start taking me to some of his friend’s parties, so I could get out. What I didn’t expect, was the panic that set in every time a guy came up to dance with me.

I put my new self-defense skills to use many times at the parties, and Seth always got a kick out of watching a grown man writhe in pain. It was the end of June, when my feelings toward Seth had started to change. We had gone to a smaller party and he decided to dance with me. We had danced plenty of times before, but this time it was different.

He was sick of telling guys to back off, so he decided to take up the position of fake boyfriend for the night. It stopped being pretend when he wrapped his arm around my stomach and pulled my back into his chest. I froze for a minute before he leaned his head down next to my ear.

“Don’t be scared, Pussy Cat, I’ve got you. Just pretend like I make you feel something,” he whispered. 

My heart was pounding so hard. I hadn’t realized I could feel like that, and like it. When he moved his hips against my back, I let out a small moan and laid my head back on his shoulder. We danced the rest of the night like that. My heart beat never slowed, and I felt some sort of craving pool in the pit of my stomach.

I needed Seth. I needed him to keep making me feel like that. I needed to know how it felt to have a man touch me without animosity. I had forgotten, and even with Mark I had never felt the way Seth made me feel that night. I turned around in his arms and looked into his blue green eyes. Some of his sandy blonde hair had fallen in front of his face, and I pushed it back, watching his eyes darken a little. I brought one of my hands to touch his cheek.

“Seth…,” I whispered. My breathing was hard, and my mouth parted trying to get more air. He leaned his head against mine, and I could feel his hot breath against my face. It was affecting him too.

It ended too soon. He pulled away abruptly, and took a step back without taking his eyes off mine. I could see him still breathing hard, but I could also see the confusion starting to cloud his eyes. I flushed from a mixture of heated pleasure and embarrassment.