That Wedding (42 page)

In this particular case, the signal was me hurling tequila, beer, and a burrito dinner all over the dance floor and half the crowd there.

I will mention though, this is a very effective way to clear the place out and force your friend to get off the girl he was doing God-knows-what-with and come help you. It does not, however, earn you points with the guy who gave you all the tequila shots in the first place.

Lori grabs my arm. "Jade, wasn't that the same guy that said if you squeezed your left hand into a fist that you wouldn't have a gag reflex?"

I roll my eyes. "Yes, he's the one. Thanks for remembering."

Lisa and Katie roll around on the couch holding their sides and laughing. Lisa screeches, "Who would ever believe that? Even I'm not that dumb!"

Chelsea almost spits out her wine, she's laughing so hard.

DO NOT #5:
DO NOT believe a boy who tells you that if you squeeze your left hand into a fist that you will not have a gag reflex; therefore, putting something of his in your mouth would be fine even though you told him you were feeling a little spinny and nauseous.

Obviously, the squeezed fist is a myth, and he should've been thankful that I didn't do the whole blown dance floor thing all over his room.

I cringe. "Can we please talk about something else?"

Lori and Chelsea look at each other, grab hands, and scream, "SKITTLES VODKA!"

DO NOT #6:
DO NOT listen when football players tell you adding skittles to vodka makes it less strong and more like candy. It will still fuck you up.

Chelsea screams, "No, wait! I have one. Remember the night we made her wear the do not buy me shots button to the bar? Ohmigawd, that night was classic!"

DO NOT #7:
DO NOT EVER let your friends make you wear a button to the bar that says DO NOT BUY ME SHOTS. This button is like having a beacon on your body that says DO buy me shots, because there are boys out there with that Christopher Columbus attitude. They want to go to new frontiers, explore new worlds, and shit. And those types of boys will want to discover exactly what happens when you do. And without going into detail here, trust me, it's not pretty.

Lori laughs some more. "What about the slutty hot tub video?"

"We don't need to talk about that," I say, laughing and covering my face in fake shame. That night was really fun.

DO NOT #8:
DO NOT let a bunch of your best friend's fraternity brothers talk you into seeing how many guys you could fit in the hot tub with. Just say no and go to bed. And if you can't say that, try to say no when they get out the cooking oil and rub everyone down with it, thinking that will allow more people to fit. I'm telling you, if there is enough Jaegermeister involved, anything is possible. And if you do all this anyway, then at least DO NOT let someone record the process and post it on YouTube. No matter what, it's gonna look slutty. And on a side note, it might be a good idea to untag yourself from said video, so your future employers don't see it when they google your name.

Katie grabs her laptop, finds the video, and plays it for everyone. They think it's hilarious.

I think I'll just have a little more wine.

It's at this point that I really wanna call Phillip, but I know I shouldn't. He's probably at a strip club with some gorgeous fake boobed babe gyrating on his lap. But as Katie and Lisa start telling the keg in the cornfield story, specifically how Jake announced my virginity to the world, well, I caved.

I sent him a text.

I figured I wouldn't get one back at all, but I guess it made me feel better knowing if he saw it, maybe he would think about me for just a minute between stuffing dollar bills down some chick's thong.

I'm surprised by his immediate response.

And I feel happy for the rest of the night.

The next morning, I'm buzzed awake by my phone and hear Phillip's sexy voice say, "Hey, Princess, you awake?"

"Kinda. Why are you up? Are you just getting in? Are you sick?"

"Naw, I got in around four, and why would I be sick?"

"Last night was your bachelor party. Aren't you supposed to be puking this morning? Or did you last night?"

"You know I don't like to get that drunk. There was a lot of shot drinking though, and it was pretty wild. But you know Danny, and well, the rest of the crew too."

"Define pretty wild."

Phillip chuckles. "The groom had lots of fun drinking and being stupid. He even greatly enjoyed the strip club, mostly cuz he was laughing so hard at Dillon and Cooper. But mostly, he was thinking about how much he misses his Princess. Did you and the girls have fun? Are you hanging?"

"Maybe a little."

"I figured. I miss you."

"I miss you more."

Danny texts me around ten-thirty.

There's a knock at my door. I open it, and a concierge hands me a little gift bag. I set it on my bed and pull the outfit out.

What there is of it.

I go to the bar in our suite, pour myself a shot, say a prayer that Danny's brilliant idea doesn't backfire, then toss the shot back. I do another one then decide to make myself a screwdriver. Those always taste good in the morning even if you have a slight wine hangover.

I put on the outfit. A minuscule black leather bustier, an even smaller thong, black fishnet thigh highs, and a matching leather mask to covers my eyes. I add a pair of black stripper heels I brought to wear to the club tonight.