That Was Then... (16 page)

Cesar grins. “And like any other trustworthy bartender playing therapist, your secrets are safe with me.”

I finish my coffee and notice that it’s five-thirty. “Well, my dad will be getting home soon. Guess I better go.”

“Be safe out there,” he says as I pull on my coat.

“You too.”

“Yeah. I might even close early if it’s too comatose.”

But when I get home there’s a message from Dad on our machine saying that he has to work late and to go ahead and eat dinner without him. I leave him a plate in the fridge, then come to my room to write in my diary, do my homework, and think about this new development with my birth mother.

And as much as I hate to admit this, I’m really resenting her intrusion into my life. Every time I look at
her photo, I imagine this very smug, self-centered woman who only thinks about herself. And then I wonder if she could be lying about the whole thing. Maybe she’s really just dirt-poor and pathetic but doesn’t want me to know. She could’ve had someone else write this letter. But how do you explain the business card? Of course, I’m sure anyone can get anything printed if they want.

Maybe she has ulterior motives. Maybe she thinks we’re rich and she can hit us up for money. Or maybe she’s not my birth mother at all. Oh, I know I’m being ridiculous. But it does make me wonder.

I still haven’t responded to the letter from my supposed birth mother. But I did tell my dad and Nat about it, and although they both encouraged me to correspond with her, they also agreed that it was my decision to make and that I should ultimately do whatever I’m comfortable with.

“It’s possible that your gut instincts are telling you something,” my dad finally said. “You need to listen to your heart, Kim. There might be a reason you feel the way you do.”

“Like this woman might be a fraud?”

“It wouldn’t be hard to find out,” he told me. “I could even put one of my researchers on her. Make sure she’s the real thing before you get involved.”

“Would you do that, Dad?”

“Of course. I’d be glad to. There are a lot of exploiters out there. I certainly don’t want you getting involved with one.”

So I figure this buys me some time for now. When Dad gets back to me with the facts, I can decide what to do.

“Aren’t you curious?” Nat asked me on our way home from school today. “I mean, wouldn’t you love to talk to her, to see what she’s like, and to ask her questions about why she gave you up?”

“I don’t know…”

“You used to be obsessed with finding your birth mom,” she reminds me. “Remember how you did that exhaustive Internet search? You were relentless, Kim.”

“
That was then…
” I told her. “Back when I was trying to figure out who I was and why I was here and all those questions that hammered away at me in my early teens. I think I’ve grown up a lot since then.”

“So you really know who you are now?” Her voice had a teasing edge to it.

“Well, not completely, but it is getting better. Finding God made a pretty huge difference too.”

“So you’d really be okay never knowing the woman who gave birth to you, the one who’s genetically responsible for who you are?”

“I think God’s the one who’s genetically responsible for who I am, Nat.”

“I know, I know. But I guess I like to think about the part of me that’s in my baby…even if I never get to see
her again. I mean, it’s so amazing to think that there’s a little girl out there who—” Then Nat’s voice broke, and I could see tears in her eyes.

“I’m sorry. Maybe we shouldn’t be talking about this.”

“It’s okay, Kim. It’s not your fault. Steph keeps telling me that it’s going to take time, maybe the rest of my life, to get over this.”

“How’s the counseling going?” I asked, ready to change the subject to something more comfortable for both of us.

“Steph is great. She’s really helping me to work through this. Hey, maybe you should go talk to her about this thing with your birth mom. I’ll bet she’d have some ideas.”

“I’m going to wait until Dad finds out whether or not she’s legit.”

“Yeah, that’s probably smart. But I think she’s the real deal, Kim. That letter sounded sincere to me.”

I didn’t point out to her that it could’ve been created to sound sincere, that con artists are usually good at tricking people. I think it’s better to just wait and see. In the meantime, I’m not really thinking about it much.

“Good news,” my dad announced when he got home from work tonight. “My researcher informed me that his resources confirmed that Lee Jin-Soon is who she says
she is. And he’s even discovered birth records that match Lee Jin-Soon’s claim to be your mother. Other than a DNA test, which is the only way to be 100 percent sure, this woman appears to be telling the truth.

“Oh.”

“Aren’t you glad to hear this?”

“I guess.” I looked down at my hands.

“You know, it doesn’t change anything, Kim. It’s your choice whether or not you respond to the letter. I think the only reason she took the liberty to write you is because the Korean orphanage knew that you’d tried to locate your birth mother several years ago. Otherwise, you probably never would’ve heard from her at all. Don’t you think?”

“I suppose. But I was only fifteen when I was trying to find her. I didn’t know what I was doing.”

Dad laughed. “You’ve always known what you were doing, Kim. You were just born that way.”

I had to smile at that. “Maybe, but I’m not sure I really want to write back. Not yet anyway.”

“Does this have to do with your mom?”

“Partly. But it’s more than that. I mean, I know Mom would want me to get to know this woman. But I also know she wouldn’t push me.”

“I’m not pushing you, honey. At least I hope not.”

“You’re not, Dad.”

“You’re a smart girl, Kim. I know you’ll figure out the right thing to do. I have complete faith in you.” Then he handed me a large manila envelope. “Here’s the
research. You might want to just file it for a later date.”

And so that’s what I did. But something about Dad’s statement—about having complete faith in me—reminds me that I haven’t totally put this thing with my birth mother into God’s hands. And I think it’s time that I do. First I spend some time reading my Bible, and then I actually get down on my knees. And believe me, I don’t always do this, but it amazes me how awesome it can be. I pray that God will take the whole birth mother dilemma and show me what to do. Finally I say, “God, if you want Lee Jin-Soon to be part of my life, then I am willing. Just help me to know Your will, and help me to do it. Amen.”

I wrote to my birth mother yesterday. It wasn’t a terribly personal letter. In fact, it reminded me a lot of the one she wrote me. So maybe we are related, after all. It was a one-pager with very brief descriptions of who I am and what I like to do. Almost like a résumé. But, hey, it was better than nothing. Also, I included a photo. I just picked up my senior photos, which aren’t bad.

I mailed the letter today. Maybe this will be the end of it. We’ve exchanged photos and some bare-bones information. Maybe that’s enough. The only reason I wrote the letter yesterday was because I’d gotten this very definite impression that God wanted me to do this. And in the last paragraph of my letter, I told my birth
mother about how I had looked into Buddhism and how it didn’t work for me. Then I told her about how I found God and how my life has been changed ever since. I also told her that God loved her and wanted to have a relationship with her as well. So, if nothing else, this woman has at least heard a bit of the gospel. Even if it is just a sliver. Who knows?

We had a Valentine’s party at the Paradiso last night. It was Cesar’s idea originally, but a bunch of kids from youth group helped out. We called our little gathering The Lonely Hearts Club, but that was only because we were doing it for kids who weren’t going to the Valentine’s Dance.

And as it turned out, it wasn’t such a little gathering. The coffeehouse was pretty jam-packed. But it was fun. In fact, I think it was probably better than the dance. The theme was the seventies, and everyone who dressed up received a free chocolate heart. Chloe hired a DJ, and some of us even danced. It was really an awesome evening. While in the restroom, we actually heard one girl say how she was surprised that a party without booze could be this fun.

“And with no hangover,” I pointed out.

“And no arrests,” added Allie.

Go figure.

I received another letter from my birth mother today. This one was sent through regular airmail and was very short and somewhat shocking. I’m not even sure what to think. Or how to respond.

Okay, now what? It’s one thing to agree to write to her—like maybe one or two letters. But do I really want to meet this woman in person? I’m not so sure. But instead of freaking, I go straight to God. I put it in His hands and ask Him to lead me. And when I say amen, I
know that it’s going to be okay. Well, mostly. I guess I still feel a little nervous.

When Dad gets home, I tell him the news. And he seems just fine.

“That’s great, Kim. I would love to meet her.”

“You would?”

“Of course. She’s your birth mother. You’re my daughter. Why wouldn’t I want to meet her?”

I nod. “Okay…”

“But it’s up to you. It’s your call, sweetheart. If you’re not comfortable with this, you just explain to her that it’s not a good time.”

“I don’t even know when exactly,” I admit. “She only said March.”

“Well, why don’t you e-mail her for clarification? If it makes you feel better, don’t commit to anything yet. Just let her know that you’re considering it.”

“That’s a good idea.”

But it’s getting pretty late when I finally get around to e-mailing her. First I do my homework and practice my violin, and then I play about seven games of spider solitaire, all of which I ace. Finally I figure I might as well get this over with. So I go online and find a world time chart, which indicates that Korea is about twelve hours ahead of us, which according to my calculations means that it’s mid-morning there by the time I start writing my message.

Okay, I know that’s not totally true. But on the other hand, it’s not a lie either. It’s entirely possible that Dad and I will go somewhere during spring break. Who knows? To my surprise, I’m still online when I see that I’ve got a new mail. And, of course, it is from Lee Jin-Soon.

As soon as I hit send, I know that there’s no way to get out of this. But even so, I pray that God won’t let her come unless there’s some really good reason for her to be here. And I’m hoping that’s not going to be the case. I wait at my computer, expecting her to respond immediately, just like last time. But after about twenty minutes and winning four more games of solitaire, I decide that she’s probably not going to respond. Well, good! I’m about to sign off and shut down my computer when I see the little flag indicating that new mail has arrived.

Well, I have to admit that she doesn’t seem to be asking too much of us. But then I wonder if this could possibly be some kind of set-up. Could she be
pretending that she’ll only be here briefly, and then decide to move in for good and empty my dad’s bank account? Okay, that’s pretty paranoid. Besides, Dad said his researcher confirmed that she’s really who she claims to be. Maybe I should just agree and get this thing over with. But before I e-mail back, I check with my dad first. Just to make sure he doesn’t have other plans. Unfortunately, he is free March 11. It seems I have no more excuses.