That One Moment (Lost in London #2) (38 page)

“Is that right?” He squints in challenge.

“She’s my forever,” I add seriously, surprising even myself with that statement.

His glower drops and he leans closer in to me. “Then what the fuck are you waiting for?”

RUINED

“A
ll men are fucking wankers,” Julie snaps, flopping down into the open seat beside me. Her posture and scowling expression are at complete odds with her gorgeous little black dress and perfect hair and makeup. She begins ripping bobby pins out of her updo and tossing them into the centre of the table. “Stupid, spiteful, ball-less wankers. They all shave their balls now because one person got it in their head that it makes their cocks look bigger. All it does is make them look like pussies. The lot of them.”

I bite back the urge to laugh because Julie is obviously not in a joking mood. “Everything okay, Julie?”

She looks at me like I have three heads. “No! It’s not okay! Christ! My life is so far from okay that the word should start with an
F
and end with
UCKED
.” She rips the final bobby pin out with a mighty tug and her thick black hair cascades down to her shoulders. She leans into me with a deathly serious look. “Let me give you a piece of advice, Vi. You think women’s lib has evolved our species. It hasn’t. And if you ever get the fucking stupid idea that you want to drop down on one knee and start your happily ever after your bloody self, then you’ve just kissed a three-year relationship goodbye.”

My eyes turn wide. “You proposed to Mitch?”

Pure rage seethes in the blacks of her eyes as she stands back up and musses her hair wildly. She turns to leave but pauses and leans down to add, “Mitch buggered off faster than I could stand back up. If you’re on your knees and you don’t have a cock in your mouth, then you’ve just dug your own grave, my girl.”

She strides off toward the bar and whacks shoulders with Gareth as he comes back toward the table.

“Care to dance?” A male voice utters in my ear. I glance up and take in Ethan’s blue eyes that contrast stunningly against his latte skin. He really is a striking specimen of a man.

“She’s taken,” Gareth booms from behind me.

I turn and frown at his widen stance. “And she can speak for herself,” I snap. I look back to Ethan. “I’m not taken, but I’m also not interested. Thanks anyway.”

“Suit yourself. Jules will be back anyway,” he grins naughtily. “They always do.” I blanch at the blatant innuendo and my eyes catch sight of Hayden storming right this way.

Knowing I’d really rather not be at a table in front of all of my coworkers when Hayden’s caveman comes out, I hop to my feet. “I’m just running to the toilet,” I murmur, holding down the light chiffon fabric that flows a bit too easily as I make haste.

I swerve between the tables and out into the narrow stone-covered hallway that’s barely illuminated by a few flickering candle sconces on the wall. Feeling Hayden’s presence approaching as if I’m some type of psychic channeling into his energy, I tuck into a tiny dark alcove that houses row after row of dusty bottles of wine.

“Seriously, you’re hiding from me now?” Hayden barks as he comes to a stop in the shallow arched entryway.

“Not hiding. Just curious about this bottle here,” I state pragmatically while dusting off a bottle of wine. “Wow 1821, think it was a good year?”

He ducks his head to enter the small space and my heart instantly seizes. His scent, his aura, his presence…It’s overwhelming. He grasps the bottle in my hand and our fingers brush. A sharp intake of air on my part doesn’t go unnoticed by him. His pupils glitter within the grey depths of his eyes as he watches me for a few seconds. “Vi, please hear me out,” he states softly while carefully returning the bottle to its shelf.

“It’s really not necessary, Hayden.” I swallow hard, attempting not to let that tortured, beautifully broken face pull me in. “You said a lot to me that day in Notting Hill. Things that I won’t be forgetting.”

He blinks as if in pain. “Vi, what that lady said scared the shit out of me. Surely you can see why.”

I shrug my shoulders, doing my best not to look like I’ve just been punched in the gut again. “I get it, Hayden. I don’t need you rubbing salt in the open wound.”

“That’s not what I meant,” he warns, his eyes narrowing to slits.

I shake my head, not allowing him out of this one so easily. “Just say it, Hayden. I know it’s me. I’m unlovable or unspecial…or something that makes you not want to jump in with me. Your first impression of me should have been a warning sign that I really was nothing more than a simple distraction. I mean look, you loved Reyna so easily. You told me you fell in love with her and that was after you told me you two knew nothing about each other! How do you think that makes me feel after we’ve shared so much?”

“I had years with Reyna, Vi,” he snaps, raking his hands through his hair in the dim lighting. “Years of time for me to build her up to be more than she ever was.”

“Stop. This is rubbish. You loved her. You said she broke your heart when you said those words to her. I’ve never said those words to any man, Hayden. Only you! Now my heart is broken more than I ever thought possible,” my voice rises with a maniacal giggle. “And, Christ, I’m such a loser thinking I had found someone who could actually love me back.”

“I was lying, Vi!” he shouts, rattling the bottles around us and leaning down to capture my gaze with his. “I was lying to myself most of all. I’ve been lying to myself since the moment I first laid eyes on you at the White Swan.”

He grips my face firmly in his hands and every part of his body trembles with fear as he utters, “Vi, just as you’ve always feared you’re unlovable, I fear that I can’t love you. I am fucking terrified when I look into your eyes and tell you things because I feel like I am being understood. Possibly for the first time in my entire life. But if I can’t love you the way you deserve, what could that do to you? I’m trying to protect you! Don’t you see that? My past…Christ! I just wish my past wouldn’t—”

“Oh, stop wishing away your past, Hayden!” I snap, pulling my face from his grasp. “Start wishing to make the most of your future for a change. You don’t get it. I would have given myself to you. Completely. I would have been yours and let you shove and manhandle any bloke who came within miles of me. Because by you doing that, it meant that you’d be mine as well.” I reach up and brush back a piece of his hair that’s sticking up. The sensation is a punishing stroke on my broken heart.

“Vi, just listen.” He closes his eyes at my betraying caress. “You are in my heart. You’re like a thread tied around it. It hurts and it’s uncomfortable, but it’s embedded so deep that it’s a part of me now. I can see a life with you. A forever life. A place I will want to be sad, angry, happy, delirious. These past few years have been riddled with lows for me. But the past six weeks…all of my highs…have included you.”

“Hayden, stop.” Tears fall down my cheeks as my façade of dismissiveness begins cracking.

“Love me still. Please,” he begs, his hands trembling against my cheeks.

I shake my head, refusing to accept the pain on his face. The pain that he caused me now reflecting back. “I can’t, Hayden. It’s too late,” my voice cracks. I turn to hide my tears and, without warning, he moves into me and yanks my face to his.

Pain…

Lust…

Punishment…

And Love…

All of it overcomes me as the familiar stroke of his lips on mine crushes every remaining shred of strength I still had. My hands bite into his biceps as his tongue enters my mouth, demanding its welcome. Demanding its acceptance. Demanding what else, I’m not entirely sure.

He presses me up against the bottles and grabs the back of my thigh, pulling it up to his hip. Closing the distance between us, he touches himself against my warm centre as his tongue tangles with mine. The ache I feel to connect with him, to reach down and pull him inside of me and hold him there, brings tears to my eyes as the absolute truth of the moment cascades over me:

This kiss is ruining me forever.

I won’t live through this.

Because the idea of ever kissing another man—a man who’s not him—is a death sentence for my fragile heart.

Tears invade our mouths. Hayden breaks away from me, panting heavily against my face. The tortured look in his glossy gaze is pleading. “This isn’t fucking over, Vi.” His voice stutters with uncertainty, recognising what I’ve always known to be true. “You’re mine.” He pushes himself off the wall and storms out of the alcove.

And possibly out of my heart for good.

LAST 11:11

“S
top wishing away your past, Hayden. Start wishing to make the most of your future.”

Her words are like a strike to my heart as I glance down at my watch to see 11:11 approaching. “Fuck,” I mumble, cupping my head in my hands at the head table.

How I thought I could ever survive a world without Vi is beyond me. Kissing her is like breathing. Necessary and rudiment for survival. In the short time I’ve known her, she’s brought so much out in me and I hate myself for not seeing it all sooner.

Leslie comes bustling over in her huge gown, her happy eyes widening as she takes in my pained expression. “What happened?” she asks as she slides into a chair beside me.

“I love her, Leslie. I
love
, love her,” my voice croaks as I exhale a painful sigh over the fear that it might not be enough. “But I think I’ve ruined it.”

“Nonsense,” she says, yanking my hands away from my head. “You didn’t ruin anything. Hayden, do you have any idea how much it took for me to fall for your brother? He chased me all through London because my outlook on love was terrible. My past saw to that. But look at me right now…Do you see anything in me besides one hundred percent certainty in my feelings for Theo?”

I shake my head incredulously. “You guys make it look easy.”

“Love is never easy, but when it’s right it’s number one…above everything.” She touches my wrist gently and my brows crumple in silent pain. “If she’s the one, Hayden, you have to show her that you will put her first…above your past.”

“I’ve spent years wishing away my past,” I reply, staring down at her hand cupping my wrist, my eyes flashing nervously to the time on my watch.