Read Texts from Jane Eyre Online
Authors: Mallory Ortberg
How right you are
you’d better stay in bed this time
or someone’s going to lose her sitting up in bed privileges
I’m sorry
little goose
John
couldn’t I go outside even for a little while
just for a walk in the garden
just for a moment
why must you ask for the moon
you know I wish I could give it to you
but I might as well feed you poison
a walk in the garden is the last thing you need
it might undo you entirely, garden walking
I just can’t bear another minute staring at these same walls
anything can happen to a woman in a garden
This wallpaper
it’s strange
I can’t bear it
I’m afraid that as a doctor
I can’t advise going out into the garden
it’s full of night humors and cross-breezes
any one of which could do any number of things to your nervous
system to say nothing of your chalkstones
it would simply ruin your blood
all right
I’m afraid I just can’t allow it
all right
but I could have Nurse bring you a bowl of arrowroot
that’s almost as good
isn’t it?
a bowl of arrowroot’s almost as good as walking
all right
What do you think we should name the child?
Oh, John, I’m so glad you asked
I’ve missed talking to someone
and I do hope the baby’s doing well
I’ve thought about it a great deal these last few months
oh sorry, darling
that wasn’t for you
meant to send that to Williams
think we’ve found a fine name for him anyhow
It’s a boy?
I had
We had a son?
What’s his name, darling?
John?
What’s his name?
I’ll tell you what, my darling
You’ve been awfully good this week
and I think you deserve a treat
What’s that?
you can have all the air that you want
I know
I spoil you
you’ll open one of the windows, then?
I would so love to see the sky again
Good God, no
not FRESH air
Good lord
do you want to catch winter fever?
But it’s summer, John
surely it couldn’t be as bad as all that in the summer
Summer is the worst time of all to catch winter fever
the body simply doesn’t expect it
Next thing you know
your dropsy is so bilious it makes ship fever look like barrel fever
And then where would you be
I’m not sure
where would I be?
Nowhere good
I can tell you that much
nowhere good, medically speaking
no I’ll have the air brought in downstairs and let it waft up
Go back to sleep
I’ve been asleep all morning
and all night before that
I couldn’t possibly sleep any more
I’ll go mad if I try to lie still another hour
ah that’s how you know you need rest
only a truly sleepy woman would say that
John have you noticed a yellow smell in the house
I’ve noticed a yellow smell
A yellow smell?
Not particularly
Could be some sort of miasma
I’ll have the garden torn up just in case
and extra bars set on the windows
darling
you know the broken-necked reverse-eyed witch nightmares in the
wallpaper?
the what?
you know the ones I mean, John dear
they writhe in those slinking hate patterns?
good God
Well they’ve started to chant in unison
what has become of you alone up there
Oh, don’t worry, pet
I know how to quiet them
I know how to make them stop their needle dance
They promised me
once I’ve done what they want
they’ll be at peace again
So there’s nothing to worry about!
I’ll be right down, darling
coming downstairs at last
Wuthering Heights
hello everyone
Father!
yes yes hello
are you coming home tonight?
yes
oh how splendid
I’m bringing someone with me
oh?
a homeless boy
oh
I found him in Liverpool
you did?
and am adopting him
for reasons that I can assure you are perfectly sound
you are?
perfectly good, sound, normal reasons
I see
he’s not my son or anything like that
not some sort of illegitimate son I’m taking in
he isn’t MINE, understand
right
I’m just adopting him
it’s not important how I found him or who his mother is
or what letters of mine she does or doesn’t have
let’s have no questions about the boy from now on
my favorite, special, beloved son,
who I adopted and definitely am not the real father of
be home in five!!!
(with the boy)
(his name is Heathcliff!!!)
(you’re going to LOVE him)
god i love you cathy
i love you too
i love you so much
god
it hurts how much i love you
i love you so much
let’s break each other’s hearts
oh my god let’s
i love you so much i’m going to marry edgar
i love you so much i’m going to run away
i love you so much i’m going to make myself sick
good
good that’s so much love
i love you so much i’m going to get sick again
just out of spite
i’ll forget how to breathe
i’ll be your slave
i’ll pinch your heart and hand it back to you dead
i’ll lie down with my soul already in its grave
i’ll damn myself with your tears
i love you so much i’ll come back and marry your sister-in-law
god yes
and i’ll bankroll your brother’s alcoholism
i always hoped you would
uuuuuuugh
do you know who i hate?
everyone?
EVERYONE