Texts from Jane Eyre (12 page)

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Authors: Mallory Ortberg

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 How right you are 

 you’d better stay in bed this time
 or someone’s going to lose her sitting up in bed privileges

 I’m sorry 

 little goose 

 John
couldn’t I go outside even for a little while
just for a walk in the garden
 
just for a moment

 why must you ask for the moon
you know I wish I could give it to you
but I might as well feed you poison
a walk in the garden is the last thing you need
 it might undo you entirely, garden walking

 I just can’t bear another minute staring at these same walls 

 anything can happen to a woman in a garden 

 This wallpaper
it’s strange
 
I can’t bear it

 I’m afraid that as a doctor
I can’t advise going out into the garden
it’s full of night humors and cross-breezes
any one of which could do any number of things to your nervous
system to say nothing of your chalkstones
 it would simply ruin your blood

 all right 

 I’m afraid I just can’t allow it 

 all right 

 but I could have Nurse bring you a bowl of arrowroot
that’s almost as good
isn’t it?
 a bowl of arrowroot’s almost as good as walking

 all right 

 What do you think we should name the child? 

 Oh, John, I’m so glad you asked
I’ve missed talking to someone
and I do hope the baby’s doing well
 
I’ve thought about it a great deal these last few months

 oh sorry, darling
that wasn’t for you
meant to send that to Williams
 think we’ve found a fine name for him anyhow

 It’s a boy?
I had
We had a son?
What’s his name, darling?
John?
 
What’s his name?

 I’ll tell you what, my darling
You’ve been awfully good this week
 and I think you deserve a treat

 What’s that? 

 you can have all the air that you want
I know
 I spoil you

 you’ll open one of the windows, then?
 
I would so love to see the sky again

 Good God, no
not FRESH air
Good lord
 do you want to catch winter fever?

 But it’s summer, John
 
surely it couldn’t be as bad as all that in the summer

 Summer is the worst time of all to catch winter fever
the body simply doesn’t expect it
Next thing you know
your dropsy is so bilious it makes ship fever look like barrel fever
 And then where would you be

 I’m not sure
 
where would I be?

 Nowhere good
I can tell you that much
nowhere good, medically speaking
no I’ll have the air brought in downstairs and let it waft up
 Go back to sleep

 I’ve been asleep all morning
and all night before that
I couldn’t possibly sleep any more
 
I’ll go mad if I try to lie still another hour

 ah that’s how you know you need rest
 only a truly sleepy woman would say that

 John have you noticed a yellow smell in the house
 
I’ve noticed a yellow smell

 A yellow smell?
Not particularly
Could be some sort of miasma
I’ll have the garden torn up just in case
 and extra bars set on the windows

 darling
you know the broken-necked reverse-eyed witch nightmares in the
 
wallpaper?

 the what? 

 you know the ones I mean, John dear
 
they writhe in those slinking hate patterns?

 good God 

 Well they’ve started to chant in unison 

 what has become of you alone up there 

 Oh, don’t worry, pet
I know how to quiet them
I know how to make them stop their needle dance
They promised me
once I’ve done what they want
they’ll be at peace again
So there’s nothing to worry about!
I’ll be right down, darling
 
coming downstairs at last

Wuthering Heights

 hello everyone 

 Father! 

 yes yes hello 

 are you coming home tonight? 

 yes 

 oh how splendid 

 I’m bringing someone with me 

 oh? 

 a homeless boy 

 oh 

 I found him in Liverpool 

 you did? 

 and am adopting him
 for reasons that I can assure you are perfectly sound

 you are? 

 perfectly good, sound, normal reasons 

 I see 

 he’s not my son or anything like that
not some sort of illegitimate son I’m taking in
 he isn’t MINE, understand

 right 

 I’m just adopting him
it’s not important how I found him or who his mother is
or what letters of mine she does or doesn’t have
let’s have no questions about the boy from now on
my favorite, special, beloved son,
who I adopted and definitely am not the real father of
be home in five!!!
(with the boy)
(his name is Heathcliff!!!)
 (you’re going to LOVE him)

 god i love you cathy 

 i love you too
i love you so much
god
 
it hurts how much i love you

 i love you so much
 let’s break each other’s hearts

 oh my god let’s
 
i love you so much i’m going to marry edgar

 i love you so much i’m going to run away 

 i love you so much i’m going to make myself sick 

 good
 good that’s so much love

 i love you so much i’m going to get sick again
just out of spite
 
i’ll forget how to breathe

 i’ll be your slave 

 i’ll pinch your heart and hand it back to you dead 

 i’ll lie down with my soul already in its grave 

 i’ll damn myself with your tears 

 i love you so much i’ll come back and marry your sister-in-law 

 god yes 

 and i’ll bankroll your brother’s alcoholism 

 i always hoped you would 

 uuuuuuugh 

 do you know who i hate? 

 everyone? 

 EVERYONE 

 
 

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