Test Shot (26 page)

“I want that for you too.” He used his thumbs to catch the tears tumbling down her cheeks. Tears that felt as cleansing as rain, the acid kind that burned on contact. “I want it to be with me. God, I want that. But if it’s not, I’ll wish you well.” He tapped her nose with his thumb. “And maybe buy a couple voodoo dolls, with extra pins.”

She laughed, shocked that she could. That was something else he’d given her. One more gift.

“Now get out of here,” he said, voice gruff. Eyes almost as damp as hers.

“I’m going.”

She made it to the door before he called to her. She glanced back, her already pulverized heart lurching at his smile. “I should’ve told
you
to be careful, but I’m glad I didn’t.” His smile became a grin. “It was so fucking worth it.”

“Yeah.” She smiled back while she memorized every detail of his beloved face. She’d get to see it again, on the side of buildings as she drove into work. In magazines she’d hoard like a spinster with yellowed love letters. Inside her lids, every time she closed her eyes. “It was.”

She stepped into the hallway and shut the door behind her, gripping the knob for an extra moment when she found she couldn’t let go. She took the elevator to the first floor, then walked outside and lifted her left hand until her ring caught the thin beam from the streetlight.

Her whirlwind courtship and engagement had been worth it too. Whatever happened from now would be a fresh start. A turned page, for both of them.

First, she needed answers. And for that, she needed Aidan.

She drove to their townhouse, steadier than she’d been in weeks. Finally she would find out what was going on.

He wasn’t home yet, though he’d been there at some point during the day. Her cell hadn’t rung, and there were no messages. He probably figured she’d found someone else to spend the night with.

Had he?

She sat down on their bed and picked up the purple box with the floppy bow he’d left on her pillow last Friday night. Another sex toy. Not the most romantic of gifts, but he gave them to her so often he must think she liked them. Her mouth quirked. Or else he got a discount to Sex Emporium with his auto club membership and wanted to take full advantage.

Frowning, she leaned forward and opened the nightstand. Toy upon toy. More in the basket he’d presented to Sawyer that first night. He gave them to her almost weekly now. What was so special about Sex Emporium? They’d gone there a couple of times when they’d arrived in the city, but it was in a crappy, sort of rundown area. That particular corner seemed oddly deserted. Well, except for the couples who sneaked into the alley beside the sex shop. A couple of guys had directly left the private viewing booth in the store and gone out through the side exit. She and Aidan had seen them there as they were leaving, and he’d laughed at her embarrassment.

“Don’t want to join them? It’s a popular spot.”

“Up against a wall in an alley? Next to smelly trash cans? No, thank you. We have a perfectly good bed at home.”

They’d used it that night too. With the toys they’d bought and restraints. He’d been more focused on her that night than any night since. Until Sawyer had joined them.

Could that be it? He enjoyed watching and being watched? Maybe even more than participating, since he’d had the chance with her and Sawyer and he’d declined.

Rubbing the back of her neck, she went to the small desk where Aidan kept their financial records. It only took a couple of minutes to find the debit card receipts for the past few months. Umpteen visits to Sex Emporium, listed as only “Adult Services.” And oddly enough, starting two months earlier, ATM visits that paralleled his trips to the shop, always twenty dollars. Always withdrawn the same day, from the same location near the store.

She swallowed at the sound of the front door closing and started to put away the receipts. Though both their names were on the debit card, this felt like spying. But as his footsteps neared the top of the stairs, she stilled her hand.

No. She couldn’t pretend any longer. It wasn’t fair to either of them. If he had something he needed to tell her, he couldn’t like living this way any more than she did. The only difference was he knew something was wrong, and she’d been riding the denial express for months.

“Oh.” Aidan stopped in the doorway. “You’re alone.”

She couldn’t tell if he sounded relieved or disappointed. “Yes.” She turned, deliberately setting aside the receipts. His gaze dropped, then lifted to her face. “I went out for a bit, though.”

“Anywhere interesting?” He strode over to her and kissed her cheek as always, and she wrinkled her nose at the faint scent of smoke on his clothes. Was this how it was going to be now? Constant wariness, constant questions?

Not if you fucking ask them already.

She expected him to continue on to the closet as he always did, but he stopped and tipped up her chin. “Are you all right?”

“Honestly? No. We need to talk.”

His jaw tensed, almost imperceptibly. Then he nodded and slid off his jacket before hanging it in the closet. “I’ve been expecting this. It’s okay, Layla.”

Layla. Right. “What have you been expecting?”

He hung up the jacket before crossing to the bed to take off his shoes and socks. Somehow the sight of his bare feet made her eyes smart. What the hell?

“You and Sawyer,” he said calmly, as if he were discussing his grocery list. He undid the buttons of his shirt, fingers moving swiftly and capably. No hesitation at all. “I suspected you’d want to have this talk sooner than later. I have no problem with this continuing. In fact, I think it’s the best thing for all of us. Until you decide otherwise, of course.”

Shards of ice gathered in her throat, little spikes that made it hard to swallow. “And what about you?”

He frowned. “What about me?”

“While Sawyer and I are fucking like bunnies, what will you be doing? Won’t you want a lover of your own?”

He faltered, just for a moment. “I have no need for a lover. I have you.”

“And Sex Emporium.” She wasn’t even sure why she said it, but the bitterness and confusion inside her craved an outlet. God, she didn’t want to be having this conversation. She hated the gulf between them.

For four years, he’d been her everything. Too much, maybe. She’d stopped thinking of herself separately. Everything was for
them
. Where would she be if they were no more?

“Sex Emporium? The toys I buy for you?”

“Yes, all the damn toys. When did you start thinking all I needed was sex? That you didn’t have to send cards anymore, or call me to tell me you love me, or even come up from behind and hold me? Did I miss the memo?”

“They’re just toys, Layla.”

“Stop calling me fucking Layla.” She practically snarled. “Like I’m a student or someone you have to deal with. If you don’t love me, if you’re done with this, then tell me. Don’t shuttle me off to some guy you barely know while I’m still wearing your goddamned ring.”

He lifted a brow and shrugged off his shirt, laying it neatly on the pillow. That he could be so calm in the face of her explosion only angered her more. “You’re wearing my ring because we’re engaged. We made promises to each other, and I see no reason to break them.”

“What about what I see?”

“This is about Sawyer, isn’t it?” He rose and picked up the shirt en route to the hamper. “He’s being demanding, I’d wager. I sensed that he would be from the start.”

“No, this isn’t about Sawyer.”

“He hasn’t asked you to leave me so he could have you all to himself?”

Her vision tunneled until she could only see Aidan’s smirk. Those arrogant brows, quirked over his placid green eyes. He wasn’t worried about losing her. Why should he be? She’d made it clear she wasn’t going anywhere, that she never would.

“Is that so hard to believe?” she asked quietly. “That he might want me?”

“No. What I find hard to believe is that someone you’ve known for such a short time could cause you to doubt me or our love.”

“
You’ve
caused me to doubt you, not Sawyer. You’re the one I don’t feel like I know anymore. He doesn’t lie to me. He looks straight into my eyes and tells me the truth. You tell me what you think I need to hear.” She marched over to him and slammed down the lid of the hamper, almost smashing Aidan’s hand in the process. “Why did you invite him into our bed?”

“You were masturbating to his pictures. Yet you make this about me?”

“If I was masturbating while watching
The Mentalist
, would you arrange for Simon Baker to arrive in our bedroom? Christ, Aidan.”

“If I could, I just might.” He smiled in that utterly infuriating way he had. “If it made you happy, it’d be worth it to me.”

“What about what makes you happy?”

He stroked her cheek with the backs of his fingers. “You make me happy. Always have, always will.”

She pulled away. Last thing she needed right now was for him to touch her. It was hard enough to say what she needed to already. “If you were happy, you’d want to sleep with me. We’d be the way we were before. You wouldn’t be asking a virtual stranger if he wanted to warm my bed on a permanent basis, as long as he doesn’t get too grabby and assume he’s allowed to have anything else but sex.”

“He told you that.”

“Yes, he told me that. Are you saying he’s lying?”

He dipped his hands in his pockets and stared at her for a long moment. Then he shook his head. “No. I’m not saying that. I’d had too much to drink—”

“And that’s your excuse.” She rubbed her cheek to try to banish the memory of his fingers on her skin. “You drank too much. Not that you really wanted just what you asked him to do.”

“So what if I did?”

She stepped around him and walked to the bed, her legs suddenly too weak to hold her up. “You said more than that, didn’t you?”

His impatient exhale made her grip the bedspread in her fists. “Honestly, I can’t remember what I said that night. What else did Sawyer go to confession about?”

“You don’t want children.”

Finally, his composure fissured. He compressed his lips and rocked back on his heels. All the while, his eyes blazed. “I’m quite certain I never said that.”

“Is it true?”

His pause answered the question more succinctly than his words ever could have. “You know I have reservations.”

“Actually, no, I didn’t. You told me you wanted to wait awhile. I presumed that meant a year or two after the ceremony.” See, she could be just as coolly rational as Aidan. Her voice never wavered. She didn’t flush or shake or cry. Maybe that was how a person reacted after their heart snapped in two.

“I should have been more clear.” His jaw flexed. “That’s my fault.”

“Yes, it is. Because I never would’ve accepted your proposal if I knew you were so ambivalent. Which you knew,” she said slowly as an emotion flittered over his face. Guilt. He felt guilty for leading her on. Why that made her feel even worse, she didn’t know. “You knew exactly what you were doing. And you did it anyway.”

“Yes.” His gaze cut to hers, and his eyes were stark. Bleak even. “I knew, and I did it anyway.”

“What else, Aidan?” she asked softly. “What else have you been keeping from me?”

“There isn’t—”

“Don’t make me demand answers. Don’t force me to line up my suspicions and try to tabulate a response. Can’t you at least give me the truth? Don’t you owe me that much?”

He shut his eyes, for once looking every one of his thirty-three years and then some. She’d thought he looked tired before. Now he looked downright haggard.

“Yes. I do.”

She didn’t move. Barely even blinked.
Here we go
. “You can tell me anything. I promise.”

“I know that. You’re the only person I trust. My mistake was in not trusting you sooner, but I never truly believed I could trust anything but covering my own ass.” He laughed mirthlessly. “More excuses. I’ve been making them all my life. Since long before you. Since I was twelve, to be precise.” He met her gaze. “When I was accused of trying to sexually accost a classmate in the locker room. A male classmate.”

Layla opened her mouth, but nothing came out. With everything she’d considered and rejected, she hadn’t come close. “Did you do it?”

“Did I accost him? No.” Aidan undid his belt, then yanked it free of its loops. He threw it on the mattress, and it slithered off, landing on the hardwood floor with a clatter. “We kissed. We touched each other. But it was very much consensual.”

Her chest hurt, tiny fists pummeling her from the inside out. But she kept her voice even, for him. She wouldn’t lose it, not when she’d promised him he could tell her and it would be okay. “Why did he lie?”

“Our gym teacher found us. He was one of those hulking guys whose head looks like it’s made out of muscles. When Mr. Calloway yelled at us, Derek flipped out and shoved me away. He blamed me, said I’d touched him inappropriately. While they talked about me like I wasn’t even there, all I could think about was how disappointed my parents would be. I didn’t even try to defend myself.”

He looked so alone standing there with his bare feet and bare chest, so vulnerable. Her fury drained, though she knew this was just the tip of the iceberg that had been stationed in the middle of her life. Her
Titanic
hadn’t even hit it yet.

But it didn’t matter. Because when everything else fell away, there was Aidan. She still loved him. She couldn’t imagine a world where she wouldn’t. Despite all the ways he could wound her, the bond they’d built had been forged too deeply for anything less than a mortal blow to destroy it.

She patted the bed. “Come here.”

“You’re not…” He cleared his throat and stared at her with raw eyes. “You’re not mad at me?”

“Mad? Because you were falsely accused and didn’t know how to tell me? Of course I’m not mad. And yes, I believe you.” On that point, there was no hesitation. “You said you didn’t do what you were accused of, and your word is more than enough for me.”

“Do you see?” he asked hoarsely, after a long, charged moment passed. “This is why I couldn’t tell you. I can face anything but losing you.”