Tequila & Tea Bags (25 page)

‘Fancy a ride, Mitsy?’

She neighs, which I take to be a yes. I lead her out into the darkness and jump on, leaning down to cuddle her. Why couldn’t I be a horse? Life would be so much simpler.

I take her out into the open field. It’s only when I’ve been riding a while I allow myself the pain. To think and feel.

A sound escapes my throat and I realise I’m sobbing, my throat closing in. How could Will do that to me? It was obvious she was hitting on him. A fool could have seen that. And he wasn’t stopping her. If anything he was encouraging her. Doing shots and letting her touch him. It still makes me sick to think of her hands on him. What if they’ve taken it further and they’re currently shagging in the field? The thought of it makes me heave.

And that’s before even considering the fall out caused with Megan and Lauren. I should have tried talking in code. What was I thinking talking about it like that, just casually in an open field? I’m a moron.

I start encouraging Mitsy to go a bit faster. She’s bound to want to stretch her legs. I only managed to give her a quick walk this morning and I want to feel the wind in my hair. I can't believe we’ve bonded so well. I actually like Mitsy more than I like some humans. Maybe even my parents. That’s slightly worrying.

‘Come on, girl. Let’s go a bit faster.’ I lightly kick her with my thighs, encouraging her to let go.

She’s cautious at first, but the more I encourage her the more confident she gets and before we know it, we’re flying through the field. It actually feels like I’m flying. The wind in my face, the trees rushing past me. I feel free. Free from all of the bullshit in real life. Untouchable. Alive.

Sunday 16
th
November

I wake up and go to stretch, my bones aching like I’ve run a marathon. Only something pulls on my arm, restraining me. I open my eyes and look down to see a drip in my arm. What the hell? I bolt upright, looking around, desperate to get my bearings. The place stinks of disinfectant. Will is asleep in the chair next to me, his hair even more ruffled than normal. I’m wearing an ugly hospital gown. Ew. I’m in a hospital bed. What the hell happened?

My pulse starts to quicken, as I desperately try to remember something. What happened to me? The last thing I remember is going on Mitsy for a ride. Did I fall off? Did I have a heart attack? Was I attacked?

Will starts stirring in his chair, as my breathing gets louder from distress. God, the thought of the drip being in my arm is making my stomach flip with disgust. I swallow down the bile. Try not to think about it. I scrunch my eyes shut and try to concentrate on happy things. Unicorns, rainbows, Mitsy, Betty.

‘You’re awake.’

I open my eyes to find my happiest thing. My Will. He’s leaning over me, touching my face tenderly, as if to check I’m real. I look into his light green eyes and reach out to touch his chiselled jaw. Thank God he’s here looking after me. I’ve never been so happy to see anyone.

But then I remember him and Janey. Him and my best friend flirting and kissing and God only knows what else. The betrayal burns in my chest.

‘What happened?’ I croak, my throat dry.

He moves his chair so he’s sitting closer. ‘You fell off Mitsy and knocked yourself out. You’ve sprained your ankle and got a few bruises, but you should be fine.’

I did WHAT?

‘They sedated you, so we’ve just been waiting for you to wake up. What were you even doing there anyway? Why’d you leave the fête?’ He studies my face for an answer.

‘I’m surprised you noticed,’ I snap bitchily, staring at the ceiling. I must look like a monster which is not how I wanted to look when I’m confronting him about this.

‘Huh?’

I look at him and he honestly seems clueless. What a good liar. He must be a professional. I choose to ignore him.

‘What do you mean?’ he asks, his voice showing hurt. Oh, he’s
good.
‘I went to get us a drink and then found you’d disappeared. Is there something you want to tell me?’ He has the cheek to look accusing.

‘More like is there something you want to tell
me
!’ I shout, almost breaking my voice from the effort. ‘I saw you.’

Perhaps I’m choosing the wrong time to pick a fight. My whole body aches like a mother fucker and my eyes are heavy, begging to go back to sleep.

‘Saw me doing what?’ he demands, leaning back into the chair, his arms crossed defensively.

I take a deep breath to stop myself from getting choked up.

‘I saw you kiss Janey.’ I try to convey how furious I am, but my hoarse, tired voice doesn’t seem to portray my anger. ‘I thought you were different, Will, but no, wheel in Janey and her big tits and available clunge and you’re a sucker for it. Just like
everyone
else.’

Did I really just say
clunge?
Ew. I really must stop watching The Inbetweeners re-runs.

‘Woah, you’ve got this all wrong!’ he says, his hands up in defence. ‘Yeah, she was flirting with me, but I was just trying to be friendly back. I know how close you two are and I wanted her to like me. But then she caught me off guard by kissing me. I threw her off. Then I came to find you. I had to hear from Elsie what had happened. I was going out of my fucking mind.’

He seems pissed and I know it’s because he was scared he’d lose me. Just like he lost his mum.

‘Really?’ I ask a tear escaping down my cheek.

‘Really,’ he nods sincerely. ‘Look, we’ll talk about this properly later, but I should call Elsie. She’ll want to know you’re awake.’

‘She’s awake!’ I turn to see Elsie at the door, her wide eyes nearly popping out of her head. ‘Thank the Lord! She’s awake!’ she screams, running into the room and throwing herself on top of me, her full body weight suffocating me.

‘Jesus, Elsie!’ Will snaps, delicately lifting her off me and placing her down on the chair. ‘Don’t suffocate her.’

I smile. Typical bossy Will. My Will. Please still let him be my Will.

‘Freckle Tits!’

I look up to see Janey at the door, jumping up and down with joy, her own breasts about to give her a black eye. She runs over to me.

‘You’re alive! She’s ALIVE!’ she chuckles, sounding like Frankenstein. She squeezes both my boobs while bellowing ‘HONK, HONK!’

I push her off and fold my hands over my chest, but quickly realise it’s kind of impossible with the gross drip.

‘Why do you even care, Janey?’ I ask shortly. ‘You didn’t give a shit about me when you were snogging Will last night.’

Elsie gasps and stands back. She hates confrontation.

Janey rolls her eyes. ‘You’re welcome,’ she smiles. ‘Had to test out if he was trustworthy for my freckle tits, didn’t I?’ She smiles back at me, completely oblivious to the red hot fury growing inside of me.

‘Janey, that’s not how friends act!’

Elsie and Will stand by awkwardly. I can tell they’re trying to decide whether to leave. I give them a warning look. They leave and then I’ll
really
go mental.

‘You don’t kiss your friend’s boyfriend to see if he’s a nice guy. You just trust me to make my own decisions.’

‘Okay,’ she snorts, ‘don’t have a heart attack.’

I look at Will. He shrugs, as if to say I told you so.

I can feel a string of words forming at my lips. Pent up words which I’ve carried around with me for the last couple of years.

‘No Janey! You need to hear this.’ I realise I’m speaking so loud I’m almost screaming, but I don’t care. I need to get this out now while I’m drugged up on morphine or whatever. ‘You didn’t reply to one of my Facebook messages.’

‘I told you I was busy,’ she retorts, eye rolling to the heavens.

‘Oh, fuck off. You had time to upload the photos of you getting shit faced and having the time of your life. A real friend would care that I was abandoned in a strange Northern village, where I knew no one.’

‘You said yourself, you had the nun.’ She points to Elsie, who looks to the floor sheepishly.

‘She has a name!’ I shriek. ‘Her name is Elsie and she’s been a better friend to me in the last few months then you have our whole friendship.’

I’m out of breath from the effort. Why am I picking a fight when I’m so shattered?

‘Whatever,’ she snorts. ‘I’m done. If you stop being such a drama whore let me know.’ She turns to walk out of the door.

‘Yeah,’ I spit. ‘I’ll send you a Facebook message. Oh wait, you never fucking reply!’

She’s already walking down the corridor.

‘That was intense,’ Elsie says, letting go of a breath she seems to have been holding. She perches herself on the bed timidly.

Will takes my hand and strokes it with his thumb. ‘I’m sorry you fell out over me,’ he says with a grimace.

I click my tongue, my body wrung from frustration. Or maybe the accident. Who knows.

‘That was coming for a long time. Besides,’ I look between them both, ‘I have you guys and I’m more than happy with that.’

Elsie smiles before diving on me, hugging me so tightly I’m fighting for breath.

‘Hey.’ I look up, over her shoulder, to follow the voice and see James standing awkwardly at the door, holding a coffee.

‘James,’ I say startled. ‘What are you doing here?’ My voice is high and squeaky. I really need a drink of water. Or a shot of Prozac.

Panic courses through me, as I become aware that this is a dangerous situation. I’ve never been around Will and James together in the same room. I know it was forever ago, but I really don’t think Will would be happy if he knew we hooked up. He’s possessive as it is.

‘I wanted to check you were okay.’ He walks in and perches on the end of the bed.

‘She’s fine,’ Will nods confidently, looking at him bewildered. Obviously wondering why he’s here.

‘And I wanted to apologise,’ he continues. ‘I was such a dick to you and I didn’t mean it. I just didn’t want anything serious.’

Fuck, James! Why are you talking about this in front of them? I glare at him, trying to communicate to shut up!

I nod frantically, desperate for him to be knocked out by a passing nurse. I try to shoot warning looks at him while behaving confused in front of Will. It’s hard when I possibly have a concussion. He looks seriously baffled. So does Elsie.

Shit, shit, shit.

How the hell am I going to handle this? Deny everything? Call James crazy? Or admit to it and quickly apologise, hoping for the best?

I decide I’m not going to say anything. If I stay mute I can't be dragged into this dangerous territory we’re teetering on. I shall neither confirm nor deny.

Will looks back and forth between James and me, his forehead creasing as awkward silence fills the room. I press my lips together, essentially gluing them shut. I close my eyes trying to block it out.

Please move on,
please
move on.

‘What do you mean?’ he asks James, quickly realising that I’m refusing to talk. ‘Didn’t want anything serious?’

Oh God. It’s happening. It’s like a car crash right in front of me.

James looks back between us confused, obviously wondering why Will even cares. He doesn’t even know we’re together. So many secrets and lies.

‘Nothing,’ he shrugs. ‘We just had a thing. I treated her badly. You know,’ he smiles, ‘same old story.’

For God’s sakes James, shut the fuck up! Why can't he read my mind? I’m thinking it so hard I’m surprised he hasn’t become telepathic.

Will’s eyes narrow as he places his hand up to his temple. I notice it's shaking. I haven’t worked out yet if it's from stress or fury. Although I’d put money on the latter.

‘I didn’t know,’ he says bluntly, avoiding my gaze. I feel bile start to rise in my throat, my stomach curdling.

James smiles, looking between us both. I feel like I’m about to implode with humiliation. He has
no idea
the bombshell he’s just dropped. The bloody idiot.  

‘Wait, are you two…’ he looks between Will and I, ‘are you guys sleeping together?’ he asks Will with an oblivious smile.

I look to Will, my eyes trying to plead with him to listen to me.

He nods, deliberately going out of his way not to meet my eyes. He’s furious. I can tell. That vein in his neck is raised. Oh fuck.

We’re not just sleeping together, you fucking idiot! We’re going out with each other! I’m in bloody love- err I mean…it's serious, just secret. How the hell do I communicate to him that James meant nothing to me?

James laughs, as if it's no big deal.

‘You little sneaks,’ he chuckles. ‘Hey, Will, what about that weird freckle that looks like a third nipple? Isn’t it funny?’ He doubles over in hysterics, clearly having no idea of the disaster zone around him.

Will finally meets my eyes, but when I see the pure disgust in them I wish he hadn’t. He’s looking at me as if I’m a cheap slut. As if I just sleep with anyone regardless of my feelings for him. Which I suppose I am. I
am
a cheap little slut. At least I was until Will changed me and made me feel special. Worthy of being looked after. Now it's ruined.

I suppose it doesn’t help that I was only just accusing him of getting off with Janey. I can see it there, in the same eyes that creased with affection when they looked at me. Now there’s nothing but revulsion and pain.

‘We did have something,’ Will spits, his nostrils flaring with rage. He looks away, hurt pouring from his face. ‘But it's over now.’ He stands up, the chair squeaking loudly against the tiled floors, before storming out.

I feel the loss hit my chest like a sledge hammer. I’ve lost him. I’ve fucked it all up. It's completely my own doing. Tears sting at my eyes, my throat clogging with emotion. I try to swallow down the grief and instead take in some air, but it’s useless. I scowl at James, wishing he’d never been born.

He grimaces before running out after him. I finally force down the lump in my throat and look to Elsie for support. I’ve never needed her more. I’m not sure if I’ll survive this.

Only her normal smiling, supportive face isn’t there. In its place is a face similar to mine. One of loss and hurt.

‘Elsie?’ I whimper, a loud sob escaping.

‘Don’t,’ she snaps, holding her hands up defensively. ‘Just don’t.’

Why the hell is she so mad? What the hell have I done to her? It’s
my
own life that I’ve ruined.

‘Don’t what? Why are you mad?’ I don’t understand why she’s so pissed off. A tear escapes down my cheek.

‘You couldn’t leave him alone could you?’ she spits, jumping up to standing. Her jaw is tense. She actually looks so mad she could kill me.