Tender Vow (27 page)

“Brothers-in-law are not usually crazy with jealousy, Jay.”

“I wish you’d quit reminding me how we’re related, Rachel Kay.”

An unexpected giggle erupted, and it suddenly occurred to her that besides Allie, he was about the only other person she could name who truly made her laugh.

“All right, all right. If you must know, I didn’t go out with Larry Rossini last night. He stayed for about half an hour, we had a nice visit, and then he left. End of story.”

“Really? But I thought you said—”

“Meagan told you he was here, and you jumped to the conclusion that he was taking me out.”

“Oh.” A hush settled for a moment. “Well, why didn’t you just say so? I could have come over, and then neither one of us would have been alone.”

“I wasn’t alone,” she put in. “I have my kids, and that’s all I need. Of course, they were in bed long before midnight.”

“Well, then—”

“I didn’t feel like celebrating, Jason. Instead, I went through a bunch of John’s things, so, in a sense, I spent the evening with him. It was nice.” This she said with all sincerity.

“What sort of things? Clothes? Books? Tools?”

“Old letters, notebooks, trophies, stuff from high school and college, some photographs.”

“Sentimental stuff.”

“You could call it that.”

“Did you cry?”

“Of course.”

“Aw, Rach, I wish I could have been there with you. I miss him, too. I wonder if you know how much.”

Her bubbling giggle from a few seconds ago vanished with another emergent tear. “I know, Jay. He was your brother.”

“But he was your husband.”

“Yes, and a dear one.”

Silence hovered like a hawk. “I guess that’s it, then.” His tone sounded suddenly resigned.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re never going to let him go, are you? Every time you look at me, you’ll think of him.”

“Jason.” How could she refute him?

“Whenever winters roll around, you’ll think about the accident and look at me with accusing eyes.”

“No, I won’t. I don’t—” His words stung to her toes, though, because there was something in them that rang true.

“No matter how hard I try to help you forget, you never will.”

“Of course, I won’t forget. And, Jason, it’s not your job to make me. I’ve told you many times I’m not your charge. You can’t fight my battles for me. That’s a job for God and me together. And here’s something else. You won’t like it, but I’m going to say it, anyway.”

“What?”

She gulped and fingered the down comforter, pulling it up to her chin. “Sometimes, I think you believe you love me because of the guilt you still hold inside. You feel that if you could just take care of the kids and me, then you’d somehow make up for John’s death.”

“You know, Rachel, you are normally a very bright and intelligent young woman, and I’ll even go so far as to say you’re right on most things. But on this, you completely missed your mark. I have no doubt whatsoever about my feelings for you. I won’t express them again, though, until I think you want to hear them.”

The peculiar cloud that hung between them thickened, threatening the fragile bond holding them together.

“Can I stop by to pick up Meagan today? I promised her last week that I’d set aside some time to come play with her, and I don’t want to let her down. You could have her all ready to go so I wouldn’t need to linger long at your place. I can drop her back home after an hour or so. I might take her to a park if you bundle her up good.”

What exactly was he saying? That he didn’t want to see her? “You don’t have to do that, Jason. I mean, I can bring her over to your folks’ house.”

“No, I’ll just stop by to get her, if you don’t mind. What do you say I come by around eleven?”

An uncomfortable lump formed in her throat. “I’ll make sure she’s ready.”

“I’m glad we talked, Rachel. At least I know better where I stand and what I have to do.”

Blinking back more tears, she asked with croaky voice, “What do you mean, you know what you have to do?”

“I think it’s clear. I have to let you go,” he stated firmly. “You’re right; I can’t be responsible for healing your pain any more than you can fix mine. And who am I to stand in the way of God’s divine work?” Why did it suddenly feel like her lungs had caught fire? “I’ll do my best to honor your wishes and stay away. I’ll still try to see the kids as much as I can, though—if that’s okay. You can bring them over to my parents’ house before I get there. I’ll have Mom let you know when I’m coming. How does that sound?”

Horrid. “Fine.”

“Okay, so I’ll stop by around eleven for Meaggie. You’ll have her bundled up, right?”

“Yes.”

“Good, I’ll see you then.”

Why did he have to sound so calm about the whole thing? If she had it straight in her head, he was saying good-bye to her, in a sense. She felt sort of like an old coat he’d suddenly decided to discard. Oh, that brat!

He hung up the receiver without so much as a good-bye. She should have been relieved, shouldn’t she? After all, hadn’t she discouraged him from pursuing her? Hadn’t she even rebuked him for declaring his love for her? Time. Space. That’s what the two of them needed, she’d told him.

So, why was it that she felt backed up against a wall—alone, devastated, and more miserable than ever before?

For the next fifteen minutes, she allowed herself another good cry. Only this time, the tears fell for a different reason.
Oh, Father God, show me Your ways. Lead me in the path I should go. Erase the clouds of confusion that obliterate Your face, that keep me from hearing Your voice and receiving Your guidance.

And in those quiet moments, before waking her children to begin another day, she let His love wash over her weary bones.

***

Jason had no choice but to back off. Until now, he’d been too accessible. Rachel wasn’t ready to receive his love—might never be, in fact, and he finally stopped denying the truth. Hearing her talk about going through John’s mementos made him realize afresh how deep her wounds still were—and why would he have expected it to be otherwise? He must have been kidding himself to think he could make her love him. She still had pictures of John all over the house. His coat still hung in the hall closet—he’d seen it a few weeks ago. Her heart was still too fragile to love again, and, even if she reached the point of giving it away again, it might not be to him. Hard as it was to admit, he had to face the facts. January 1 seemed as good a day as any to start the process of letting go.

I have to do it. I have no choice
, he told himself. “Now, Lord, help me keep my word to myself, to Rachel, and to You,” he muttered under his breath.

His dad padded out in his worn slippers, pajama pants, and T-shirt just as Jason stuffed his cell phone into his hip pocket. “Did I hear you talking to someone?” he asked.

“I was checking with Rachel to see if I could spend some time with Meagan today. Thought I’d take her sledding.”

His dad nodded and poured himself a cup of coffee. “Rachel’s not going?”

“Nope. This is strictly a Meagan morning. Besides, Johnny’s arm—you know.” No way would he be spilling the beans about his conversation with Rachel.

“Meaggie’ll like that. She needs a man in her life.”

“She’s got you and Mitch, too.”

“True, but you’re the one with all the energy,” his dad said, bringing his mug to his lips and looking over the rim at Jason. He took a sip and lowered it. “Take her to Ridgemont. That’s a great hill. I used to take you boys there, remember?”

“You know I do.” Memories of Ridgemont ran deep.

His dad grinned, took another sip of coffee and gazed out through the window over the sink. “You boys used to whoop and holler all the way down that hill. You’d stand up and try all kinds of daredevil tricks when you were only about five and seven. Your mom would’ve had my hide if she’d known I let you pull those stunts. That’s when I knew I had to start teaching you the basics of skiing. Turned out you were both excellent, but you probably had more natural talent than John and me put together.”

Was his dad actually praising him? Jason walked to the cabinet for a mug, poured himself a cup of black brew, and waited to see if the compliments would continue.

“Yep. As you know, your grandpap taught me. Back then, we didn’t have access to the ski slopes we do today, just little hills, but it was enough to get the ski bug in my blood. Pap taught me to love the outdoors.”

“So, that’s where you get it from, except you’re into fishing and hunting, too, and that’s not me.”

“Well, everybody’s different, I s’pose.” His face went into reflective mode. “I know I compared you and John. Never meant to, but your mom brought that to my attention the other day. I’m sorry for placing blame and showing favoritism.”

“You already apologized, Dad. No need to go over it again.”

“I know, I know, but I suspect there were times I thought you could’ve done a little better in school and such. You made a few choices out in the world your mom and I didn’t approve of, and…I don’t know. I just wanted the best for both you boys.”

What he was trying to say was that John had been the more academic and better-behaved of the two but that he was sorry for comparing them. Jason would take it. He stepped closer and gave his dad a slight punch in the arm. “You and Mom did good by us, Dad. Your prayers paid off.”

“Well, your mom spent more time on her knees than me. I just stood at the window and watched for your car, hoping you’d miss the mailbox on your way in.”

“Oh, man! Sorry I brought you guys so much grief. Thank God for His protective grace.”

His dad puffed out his whiskered cheeks and whistled. “You aren’t kiddin’. He had to come up with an extra measure of it for you.”

They chuckled, and, as they continued sipping their coffee, Jason said a silent prayer of thanks to God for restoring their relationship.

At eleven o’clock, Jason pulled up at Rachel’s and saw the pathetic path she had shoveled down the driveway and along the sidewalk. His first thought was to ask why she hadn’t used John’s snowblower, but then he reminded himself that she wasn’t his responsibility. She had to get by without his interference. Moreover, what she couldn’t do on her own, she could hire somebody to do—if she could get past her stubbornness.

She answered the door after the first ring of the doorbell, Meagan right on her heels and jumping with glee at the sight of him. He kept his hands deep in his pockets to fight the temptation to pull the woman into his arms. “Uncle Jay, you came!” Meagan shouted as she wrapped his legs in a bear hug.

“Well, of course I came, sugar plum. I keep my promises.” He tapped her on the nose, taking care to avoid any undue eye contact with Rachel. So far, so good. “You ready?”

“Yep! Look, I even gots my snow pants on. Mommy said to wait till you got here to put on my coat.”

“That was wise.” He kept his eyes trained on the child as she scampered into the dining room and grabbed her coat, which was draped over a chair. Across the room, Johnny stood, teetering, at the table, still not terribly surefooted but doing well for a kid with a cast on his arm. “He’s holding his own, I see.”

“Oh, Johnny? Yes, he is,” Rachel said with a practiced smile. “I can’t let my eyes wander off him for a second, though, or something ends up toppling, either him or a piece of furniture.”

They both laughed, albeit with a touch of discomfort. Clearly, their phone conversation earlier that morning had made some sort of an impact on her. He just wasn’t quite sure what kind.

She stood in the doorway, and he couldn’t imagine she wasn’t freezing-cold. Still, she held her ground and didn’t invite him in—not that he expected her to.

“I suppose you saw what a rotten job of shoveling I did,” she suddenly blurted out.

“What? No, not at all. Well, I guess I did wonder why you didn’t use the blower.”

“It quit working.”

“Oh.” On the tip of his tongue was an offer to have a look at it when he returned Meagan, but he resisted. “You should probably take it to a repair shop. Ask your dad or mine to suggest someone reputable.”

“I—I plan to do that. Thanks.”

“Coming, Meaggie?” he asked, still avoiding eye contact at all costs. Oh, man, he hated this strained awkwardness.

“Yep!” Meagan came bounding into the room, oblivious to any disharmony between her mother and uncle. “Mommy, do my mittens.”

Rachel quickly bent down to stuff a mitten onto each of Meagan’s hands, then put a kiss on one of her rosy cheeks before zipping up her coat. “You have fun with Uncle Jay, and mind your manners, okay?”

“Does she have to?” Jason asked, his first attempt that day to make her laugh.

She forced a smile and gave her daughter a little push toward the door. “You guys have fun.”

“Oh, we will! Won’t we, Uncle Jay?”

Finally, he let his gaze rest on Rachel’s oval face and her big, blue eyes, which looked damp in the corners.

“I’ll have her back in no time.”

She forced another smile and looked down. “Great. Did you…uh, want me to fix some soup or something for when you get back? Um…you could take it to go, if you’d like.”

Soup to go? “Oh, no, don’t bother, but thanks. I’ll take Meaggie to her favorite restaurant after we finish sledding. I mean, if it’s all right with you.”

“Sledding?” Meagan let out a whoop.

Rachel nodded. “Well, okay. I’ll see you when you get back, then.”

“I’ll just drop her off in the driveway. I’ll give a little honk. How’s that?”

“A honk. Oh.”

He wished he had a hidden camera in his jacket lapel to catch her shocked expression. No doubt about it, he’d caught her off guard with his laissez-faire manner.

Good. She needed to realize he’d meant business when he’d promised her time and space. Apparently, she didn’t need him, and he planned to give her plenty of time to reassure herself of that fact.

In the days and weeks that followed, Rachel fell into a routine of sorts. After the holidays, Meagan’s preschool resumed, and Rachel and three other mothers of children in Meagan’s class set up a car pool. This eliminated the need to get Johnny all bundled up every time Meagan had to go to school. However, on the days when it was Rachel’s turn to drive, it also meant carting five children, including Johnny, to school and back. More times than she could count, Rachel thanked God for the brilliant engineer who’d invented the minivan.