Ten Thousand Truths (16 page)

Rachel didn't know what to say. Looking at this woman—her grandmother—she couldn't seem to muster the anger she thought she should feel. She felt that anger towards her mother's mom, who could have been the family she had needed, but had chosen not to. But for Audrey, who had been separated from her by distance and circumstance, all she felt was a desire to get to know her.

“I thought we might go shopping for a bit before we head home,” Audrey continued. “I have always wanted to buy clothes for my only granddaughter. I know they won't be the pink frilly things I used to dream of, but I would love to buy you something you would like.”

“That would be nice,” Rachel said, soaking up the leftover syrup on her plate with her last bite of French toast and popping it in her mouth. “I'd like that.”

Rachel had surprised herself by trying on several outfits and letting her grandmother buy her two pairs of jeans, three shirts, and a new bathing suit.

“She wants me to call her Nan,” Rachel told Amelia as she showed off each purchase. It was after lunch, and they were sitting together in the spare room in Audrey's house. “She introduced me to everyone she saw, and most of the people we talked to already knew she had a granddaughter in New Brunswick.”

“Oh, that's lovely!” Amelia exclaimed as Rachel showed off her new orange T-shirt.

“She grew up on a farm,” Rachel continued. “Her father had dairy cows. She used to have to help milk them by hand before they got milking machines.”

Amelia smiled as Rachel told her all her all about Audrey's life on the farm. “Maybe you'll try to milk our cow when we get home,” Amelia interrupted, “now that you know the skill runs in the family.”

Rachel stared through the car window up at the Top of the World Ranch treatment centre as Penny pulled into a parking spot. Donald had come out to Audrey's yesterday, too, but this was the first time Rachel had come along for the drive to pick him up for the day. She had imagined this place so many times since reading her grandmother's letter, and now she was here. She had pictured herself pulling up and seeing her father sitting on a bench, waiting for her. Her imagination had made him look like Brad Pitt and the facility look like the ranch on a TV show she sometimes watched when she lived at the Harriets'. But seeing the facility now, first hand, it was nothing like she'd imagined—it was just a large log building set among some trees, with some small cabins scattered around it. It certainly didn't look like the type of resort ranch she'd pictured. The idea of her father's addiction and his struggle to get sober was somehow more real now that she'd seen this place, and him, with her own eyes.

“Let's take Rachel to Huckleberry's for breakfast,” Donald said to Penny as he got into the car. “She needs a good meal to give her enough energy to make it through what we have planned for her today.”

Rachel was the third person back on the left side of the big blue raft. She pulled the strap tighter on her helmet, trying to take in all that the guide was telling them. “If you fall out of the raft…” she heard the guide say before she panicked and tuned the voice out.

What have I gotten myself into?
she thought as she tried to mentally glue her butt to the bottom of the inflatable raft.

“I've never lost anyone yet!” the guide told everyone with a laugh.

There's a first time for everything,
Rachel thought to herself.

The guide went through the commands and each of the raft's occupants moved their oars in the manner instructed. The command “hold on” was the one that worried Rachel the most. Apparently if the guide called “hold on!” they had to grab a rope that was threaded through the metal loops running down the centre of the raft and try not to fall out.
This dinky little rope is supposed to keep me from falling out and bashing myself on the rocks?
Rachel thought.
Not likely.

She braced herself as the guide pushed the raft into the river and jumped on. She looked over at her father and Penny, who had already started paddling, obviously old pros at this. As she checked her life jacket one last time to make sure it was done up tightly, Donald turned back toward her and gave her a wink. “Don't worry,” he called. “You're gonna do great!”

“It was amazing!” Rachel told Zac over the phone later that afternoon. “The worst rapid was called the Shotgun. I thought I was going out on that one, but I didn't! Can you believe I even did it? Last year at this time I wouldn't even go in the water in a wading pool, and now I've conquered the Shotgun! I would love to do it again, but I know it's really expensive. Donald and Penny bought my picture, too. The company is going to mail it to me later.”

Rachel talked to Zac for a few minutes longer before repeating the whole story to Jodie, who was seriously impressed. Then she told a shortened version to Raymond and then to both of the girls. By the time she got off the phone, she was exhausted, so she headed for a quick nap before dinner. As she laid down on the futon in Audrey's den, she thought about all the fun she'd had today. It was the first day since she'd left Walton Lake that she hadn't felt homesick. It was great talking to Zac and the other kids, but for once when she spoke to them she didn't wish she was back there with them. She was happy here, in Golden, BC, with her grandmother and her father and the rest of her real family.

“Nan and I are going to get a few groceries,” Rachel told Amelia on Saturday after lunch. “I'm going to help her make her world-famous BBQ ribs and potato salad for supper tonight.”

“Would you like to come with us, Amelia?” Audrey asked.

“No, you two go ahead,” Amelia answered. “I'm going to go next door and help Winnie pick some of her green beans, deadhead her roses, and do some baking to get ready for the people who are checking in tomorrow. I've been getting lazy on this trip and need to get my hands in the dirt and myself in the kitchen.”

As she and Audrey drove to the grocery store, Rachel noticed that the middle school was just three blocks from her grandmother's house.
If I lived here I could walk to school
, she thought.

“Did Dad go to that school?” Rachel asked.

“No,” said Audrey as she made a left turn and headed in toward town. “When your dad was in middle school we lived in Vernon. We moved here when he was 16. Sometimes I blame the move for his problems. He had a hard time fitting in when we came here and got in with some bad kids. His dad died that year and it wasn't easy for him.” There was a minute of awkward silence before Audrey spoke again. “I'm sorry. I don't have to tell you that, do I, sweetie? You know all about how hard it is to lose someone. I can't even imagine how hard it has been for you. You are wonderful girl and I know your mom would be very proud of you.”

Rachel was glad when they reached the parking lot and she could jump out of the car.
A wonderful girl,
she thought.
Yeah right. If she knew the truth, she wouldn't think I was wonderful, or that anybody could be proud of me.

Yesterday Rachel, Donald, Penny, Amelia, and Audrey had hiked the trail to Sherbrooke Lake. The climb had been quite steep and challenging, but it was all worth it when they reached the lake. The sight of the blue-green water surrounded by the rocky brown mountains was absolutely breathtaking. Penny had taken tons of pictures and had even printed the one of Rachel and her father standing in the doorway of the Paget Peak fire lookout off for her when they'd got back last night. It was the first picture she'd ever had of her and her father, aside from the wrinkled hospital picture he had sent her. The two of them had spent every one of the last six days together—six days, trying to catch up on fourteen years.

Today everyone was just hanging around at Audrey's. It was a hot day, and Audrey had filled a small kiddie pool for Liam and Elliot. Tom had started the barbecue for supper. Amelia and Ruth were sitting together on some folding chairs, talking about gardening.

Rachel and Donald were out on their second walk of the day. The hike to Kicking Horse Bridge had become a daily routine that provided them with some time alone. Donald usually did most of the talking, but Rachel was starting to be more open about things that she had never imagined sharing with anyone, let alone a father she hadn't known for most of the last fourteen years. They were walking across the bridge, talking about yesterday's hike, when Donald spoke the words that Rachel had read in her father's letter a few months ago, words that she hoped he would never say out loud: “I thank God every single day that you didn't die in that accident.”

Rachel stopped walking and turned away from her father. She took a deep breath, trying to come up with a topic that would divert the conversation away from the one thing she couldn't bear to talk about. The words were stuck way down in her throat and all she could feel was an erupting anger, a rage she was sure she couldn't mask. She walked on, pretending she hadn't heard what her father had said, hoping her silence might keep him from saying anything more about the accident.

Donald put his hand on her shoulder. “Rachel, I know it must be hard…” he started. The last words of his sentence were clipped with the rising emotion.

“Don't talk to me about the accident!” Rachel shouted. “Don't even pretend you have any idea what happened! You have no idea. You weren't there. You were too busy getting drunk or stoned. Too busy living your own life to worry about a wife and two kids.”

Donald removed his hand from her shoulder and walked around to face her, leaving a good space between them. “I know, Rachel,” he said quietly. “I am so sorry I wasn't there.”

“Do you even know what happened?” Rachel spat venomously. “They both died instantly. Some guy drove through a red light and rammed into them. The car was demolished and they both died instantly. That's what people kept telling me afterwards. They thought that if they kept telling me that, it would make me feel better. ‘Your mother and brother died instantly. They didn't suffer.' Perfect strangers told me that.”

Donald moved closer, trying to wrap his arms around his daughter. Rachel pushed him away, tears streaming down her face. “I wasn't with them!” she yelled. “It wasn't some turn of fate that kept me alive. It wasn't some wonderful miracle. I wasn't with them.”

“Sometimes it's hard to understand why things happen, Rachel,” Donald said calmly.

“i was supposed to be with them!” Rachel screamed these words. She leaned up against the timber railing of the bridge, her body trembling, and looked down at the water rushing below her. The thing that she'd been pushing down inside her, the pain and guilt she'd been avoiding for years, was clawing its way up and coming out. After a few minutes, she spoke again, but quietly this time. “I was having a stupid temper tantrum because Mom said she couldn't afford to pay for swimming lessons. I ran outside, climbed the tree in the backyard, and told her I wasn't going. You know, I don't even remember where she was going. I just remember I refused to come down from the tree. Finally she and Caleb had to leave without me—she was late for her appointment and she said she would deal with me when she got home.”

Rachel was now shaking uncontrollably, her words coming slowly between the wrenching sobs. “They never came home. I made her late. If I had gotten in the car when she'd told me to, she wouldn't have been there to get hit by that car. That guy would have hit someone else, or nobody at all. But she and Caleb were there when he sped through that light because of me. It's my fault they are dead. It's
my
fault.
My fault
.”

It was clear to everyone when Donald and Rachel walked back into the yard that something was wrong. Donald had his arm around Rachel, supporting her. Her face was red and blotchy and she had obviously been crying. Donald asked Amelia to follow him as he led Rachel into the house. They took her into the den and closed the door.

Donald lifted his arm off Rachel's shoulders and she fell into Amelia's embrace.

Amelia eased Rachel down onto the futon and covered her with a brightly patterned afghan. Donald sat down on the floor beside her, brushed her hair off her forehead, and wiped the tears from her face with a tissue. Amelia sat down in a chair across the room and watched as Rachel allowed herself to drift off to the welcome escape of sleep.

Once Rachel had fallen asleep, Donald told Amelia what had happened back at the bridge.

“She vomited after she told me,” Donald said. “It was like she had a poison inside her and had to get it out. She's been blaming herself for their deaths for six years. She kept her guilt bottled up all that time, and never told anybody. I told her it wasn't her fault, but I know from experience it doesn't do any good for someone else to tell you stuff like that. You have to be ready to forgive yourself. God, I hope she is ready to forgive herself.”

Chapter 9

The Coast is Clear

Rachel didn't wake up until the next morning. She vaguely remembered hearing Penny come in sometime in the dark to wake Donald up from where he had fallen asleep on the floor beside her. He had kissed her cheek before heading back to the centre for the night.

Rachel changed out of yesterday's clothes and took a long shower. When she was finished, she walked into the kitchen. Amelia and Audrey were sitting at the table, drinking their morning coffee.

Audrey stood up and gave Rachel a big hug, trying to keep herself from crying. “God love you, you poor darling,” she said. “It breaks my heart to think what you've been through. I feel so guilty for not being there for you. Thank God you came to live with Amelia.”

Rachel had been worried about what her grandmother and the others were thinking, now that they'd found out about the details of the accident. She was afraid that they'd blame her for it, the way she blamed herself. Her father and Amelia had been very comforting, but she wondered if the rest of the family would be as understanding.

“It wasn't your fault, sweetheart,” Audrey told her now, as if she could read what Rachel was thinking. “You were seven years old. You did
not
cause that accident. You have to let the guilt go, Rachel. Your mother would never have wanted you to blame yourself. You haven't had anyone to tell you that, but you do now, and all the people here who love you will not let you carry that burden any longer.”

Just then, Donald and Penny entered the kitchen through the back door. They went straight for Rachel and wrapped their arms around her, hugging her for a long time.

Amelia carried a fresh pot of coffee over to the kitchen table as the others sat down.

“Rachel,” Audrey said slowly, “there's something that we'd like to speak with you about. We've all had such a wonderful time getting to know you over the last week, and it breaks our hearts to think about you leaving. We can't bear to lose you, now that we've finally found you.” She put her coffee down and took Rachel's hand. “We would like you to think about staying here permanently, about living with us.”

“I'm going to let you all discuss this privately,” Amelia said, standing up. “This is a conversation for you four to have. I'll go next door and visit with Winnie for a bit. Rachel, you can come find me when you're done, if you want.”

Rachel nodded at Amelia and watched as she walked out of the room. She picked up her toast and took a small bite, not able to look up at her father, Penny, or her grandmother. She wasn't sure she wanted to hear what they were going to say, even if it was what she had secretly hoped for since getting her first letter from Audrey.

“Penny and I are going to get married when I'm done the program,” Donald said. “I'll move into her place, and we would love to have you live with us, Rachel. Until then, you could live here with Mom.”

“You're welcome to live here as long as you want to,” Audrey chimed in. “You know I would love to have you in Golden, Rachel, but it has to be your decision. I know you want to go to Victoria with Amelia so she can have tea at the Empress. You could still do that. We thought that we could meet up with you in Jasper when you hook up with Jason and his family, and we're hoping that by that time you can let us know what you have decided. We know it would be a big change for you to move here, and we want you to have time to think it over. It's too bad we're so far away from New Brunswick, but if you stay here we can fly you out there next summer so you can see Amelia and your friends.”

“I want to be a dad to you, Rachel,” Donald told her. “I hope you'll let me try. Better late than never. Right?”

Rachel found Amelia sitting in Winnie's backyard. She repeated the conversation she'd just had with Donald, Penny, and Audrey almost word for word. When she was done talking, Amelia leaned over and wrapped her arms around Rachel. Both of them were overwhelmed with the mix of emotions they were feeling.

“The national orchestra of Monaco has more individuals in it than its army,” Amelia said, straightening up and looking into Rachel's tear-filled eyes.

“I've missed your valuable snippets of information over the last few days, Amelia,” Rachel said.

Amelia smiled at Rachel. “It's been nice to visit with your grandmother and everyone. They seem like good people, and they certainly are taken with you.”

“Yeah, go figure.”

“I know it's a lot to think about, being part of a new family. But really you have always been a part of them; it just took a while for things to come together.”

“I'm happy that they want me to live here,” Rachel said, “but what about you? I don't want you to feel like I'm not grateful or that I don't want to live with you anymore.”

“This isn't about me, Rachel,” Amelia answered. “All I have ever wanted for you, for any of my kids, is a place you can be safe, a place where you can find yourself, a place you can call home. When home can be another place, whether it happens now or when you are grown up and ready for a family of your own, I am more than happy to see you embrace that.”

Rachel and Amelia stood on the wide sidewalk, staring up at the massive building. Colourful flowers edged the grounds, ready to welcome them. The large white letters that read “The Empress” looked like they were growing right out of the green vines that covered the building's façade.

“I can't believe I'm about to have high tea at the Empress Hotel!” Amelia squealed giddily. “I was eight years old when I first saw a picture of this place in a
National Geographic
magazine. I've been dreaming of doing this ever since that day. Thank you so much for bringing me here!”

Rachel laughed. “You drove, Amelia.”

“That's all I did,” Amelia said, smiling. “You, my girl, did the rest.”

Rachel gave Amelia a big hug and together they walked up the steps, through the doors, and into the hotel's elegant lobby.

The maitre d' seated them at a square mahogany table under one of the large windows. A server arrived almost immediately and placed fine bone china teacups and saucers in front of them. She returned shortly thereafter with a beautiful silver tea service, steaming with what she told them was Earl Grey tea. Then she placed a three-tiered china plate filled with fancy-looking food on the middle of the table, pointing as she described each of the different types of sandwiches on the first tier. “Cucumber; BC salmon and cream cheese; shrimp mousse with fresh papaya; carrot, ginger, and cream cheese; and curried mango and chicken salad.”

Rachel listened to the descriptions, not exactly sure of all the ingredients. She was determined to try them all, whatever they were, because they looked so fancy and also because this was Amelia's day and she was going to enjoy every minute of it.

The second tier held four currant scones with dishes of clotted cream and strawberry preserves. The bottom tier was packed with sweets that the server described as checkerboard cake with marzipan, miniature chocolate éclairs, lemon tarts, chocolate truffles, and Earl Grey shortbread cookies.

Amelia and Rachel took their time working through the tiers, savouring every bite and every moment in this beautiful place.

Amelia and Rachel were waiting in line to catch the ferry back to Vancouver. The plan was to drive straight through to Jasper and meet Jason and Megan at the Jasper Inn that night. Then Donald, Penny, and Audrey would meet up with them the next day.

“I'm going to have to make up my mind by tomorrow, Amelia,” Rachel said, watching the cars rolling onto the ferry in front of them. “I don't know how I'm possibly going to do that. I'm really afraid that I'll make the wrong decision.”

“Fear is a funny thing, Rachel,” Amelia said. “Sometimes the things we think will scare us the most don't scare us at all. You know, all those years I spent pent-up at Walton Lake I was never afraid of being alone. I was never afraid of anything I had to deal with on the farm. I was never afraid of storms or hard winters. And I was never afraid of any of the troubled kids who came to me. All I was ever afraid of was not being good enough, not being deserving enough. I let that fear cripple me and keep me in not just a physical place, but a place in my head that tied me to that fear.” She turned toward Rachel. “Don't let that fear be what makes up your mind. You are deserving of being just who you are and right now you have the choice of doing that in two different places. The choice you make does not bind you. You have a home with us and a home with Audrey, Donald, and Penny. You can change your mind anytime. You are deserving of love, and the most important place that love comes from is within yourself.”

A shrill ringing noise interrupted their conversation. The sound was so unfamiliar that it took them a couple of seconds to realize that it was Amelia's cell phone. When Amelia answered, she heard Jodie's excited voice on the other end.

“We're engaged, Amelia! Zac and I are engaged. He asked me to marry him! I know that you're probably surprised. It surprised us, too, when we realized our friendship had turned into love. He is so amazing, but I don't have to tell you that, Amelia. Hurry up and get home. We have a wedding to plan!”

“I'm over the moon!” replied Amelia. “I couldn't have picked anyone better for you or for him. I must admit, though, that I'm not totally surprised. If wishing for something makes it come true, I have certainly been wishing for exactly this for a long time. Tell Zac he is a smart man and I am very proud of him.”

When the ferry attendant motioned for Amelia to drive down the ramp into the underbelly of the big boat, she passed the phone to Rachel.

“I want you to be my maid of honour, Rachel,” Jodie told her. “And tell Amelia she'd better be ready to give me away. We're getting married beside the lake next July, as long as that's okay with Amelia, of course. You will be in our wedding, won't you? No matter where you choose to live, you have to be here for our wedding!”

“Of course I will be in your wedding, Jodie,” Rachel answered. “I am so happy for you guys! We just got on the boat. We're on our way home—I'll see you soon!”

Rachel and Amelia sat not speaking for a few minutes in the parked car until Rachel broke the silence. “I love you, Amelia. From the first day I came to live with you, you've made me feel like I belonged. I've been homesick ever since we left Walton Lake and I can't wait to see Zac and Jodie. I miss Raymond and the twins, too. I just want to go home. I know Dad, Penny, and Audrey are my family, and I'm really glad they want me to live there, but I want to go home with you.”

Amelia turned toward Rachel, tears streaming down her face. “I love you too, Rachel,” she said. “I didn't even want to think about having to head home without you. Jodie and Zac were really worried you would stay. Raymond was freaking out on the phone last night and Chelsea told me not to let you stay. Crystal said she would let you have the biggest pig if you came home. But it had to be your choice, Rachel. If your choice is to come back home to Walton Lake, you need to know that we are all very happy about that.” She leaned across the centre console and gave Rachel a big hug. “In 1947, the Flying Wallendas perfected the seven-person pyramid on a wire thirty-five feet above ground. If they could pull that off, surely the seven of us can take our places, keep our footing steady, and work together to keep one another from falling.