Tempting Target: Heart of a SEAL (21 page)

“I’ve enjoyed you, too. When I get my memory back, and you know I will because I’m too stubborn and dedicated for my mind to not do what I want, we’ll still talk.”

“That’s what I get sad about. The you I knew didn’t want that. You left me sleeping in my room when you left the first time, and we didn’t even have each other’s information.”

“Fate had a different plan for us though, and here we are.”

“I just don’t want you to do anything that you don’t really want to do, and the other thing is I don’t want to get used to you, and then you get your memory back and have the same mindset you had before, which was leave…leave…leave.”

He didn’t really have an answer for her, and he knew that he was getting better. In the next little while, hopefully, he’d have his memory back, but he wanted her, too. Until he could work that out, he wouldn’t bring it up to her, so he just gathered her closer to him and hoped she could feel a portion of what he was feeling in his caress and hold.

“I understand what you’re saying and how you’re feeling…”

“I know, Matt, one moment at a time and one day at a time,” she said, sounding resigned.

“You know me pretty well, too, it looks like.” He looked at her and watched her study him like she would be drawing a picture for the line-up technician at the police station, like he was going to disappear and she’d never see him again.

“I’d like to think so… I’d like to think so,” she said with her voice trailing off. Snuggling into him was something new for him, but with her, he enjoyed it. He wasn’t tired and thought that he’d had more sleep in the last few days than he’d had in the last year. It did give him some quiet time to just think and reflect on what was going on with his life and the beauty he held within his arms. In the past, he was just trying to leave before he became attached, but this one had him caught like an enemy in the wrong territory, and he didn’t want to get away.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Something was going on with Matt. Emmy had been with him for the last two weeks, and she knew his schedule. He had physical therapy three times a day, and he started going to general meetings in the evenings. There was something he wanted to say, and he always looked like he was on the cusp of telling her. As soon as she saw him today, she was going to talk to him about it. She had one of the meals he seemed to like so much—pot roast and mashed potatoes—sitting on the table, and he should be home any minute. Back…she had to stop trying to make this temporary place a
home
and think about him coming
back
.

The key jangled in the lock, and for whatever reason she was nervous. Would he think she was trying to be too domesticated?

“Hey you,” he said when he entered the kitchen and came over to give her a kiss. Looking all around the kitchen at the feast and the flowers she’d put down to set the mood. “What’s all this?”

“Just wanted to have a nice meal ready for you when you got home.”

His face screwed up just slightly, and she knew he was thinking about whatever he was keeping from her.

“That’s very sweet. I’ll go wash my hands and be ready to eat.” He walked away slowly, like he knew this wasn’t going to be any old regular dinner, but he returned shortly.

She was making their plates and setting them down. All this planning and she didn’t know whether she should talk to him before he ate, while he ate, or after he ate. Should she try to be cute about it, or should she be direct?

“Listen, Emmy. I know you’ve sensed something is different, and you’re right. I’ve been trying to think of how to put this and what to say. Until today, I didn’t even have clearance to tell you, but my memory is back.”

“So you remember everything?” She knew she should be happy, but in all actuality, this was what she’d been afraid of. The government didn’t need her for him anymore, but the question was did he still want her around?

“I do. I’ve wanted to tell you, but at first I thought it would make you sad, and then I was told that limited people were allowed to know.”

She was hungry and now had the answer to the question. She should have waited until after dinner to have this conversation. “So I’m not really needed anymore?”

“I knew you would feel that way, and I didn’t want that. But the truth is that the mission is going to be coming up soon, and I’m going to have to leave. I remembered you talking about your aunt and you finding yourself—and here you are taking care of me. I’m going to be away for the next six month, and I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out something for us. This is one of the reasons I didn’t want to get attached to anyone. It’s the reason I left you the first time without knowing how to get in contact with you. It was for you as much as it was for me.”

She’d wanted him to tell her what was up, and even though she knew that this was what it was, she was upset to hear it.

“When are you leaving?” she asked and decided that she wasn’t going to give in to the crying fit she wanted to have. This was what she knew was coming, and she had to accept it. The relationship was more than she’d planned, and this trip had shown her more about herself than she’d ever known.

“I’m not sure yet.” He started eating, and she was glad that his words didn’t seem to affect his appetite. Matt actually seemed like he felt lighter. “I will say that I’m glad that I told you about everything. Being in the military with such a high clearance makes for lonely days and nights, but I’ve appreciated having you here and spending time with you.”

“Me too.” She mixed her food together without any real plans to eat it, and as soon as she saw that he was done eating, she jumped up to take his plate to the sink.

“You don’t have to wait on me, Emmy. Let me help out.” He said picking up the dishcloth and wiping down the table. “Where do you plan on going next on your world tour?”

She knew he was trying to make her happy with casual conversation, but all she really heard was, “When are you going to be leaving?” Emmy knew she couldn’t stay, just like she knew he had to leave, but just looking at his smiling face was too much.

“I’ll get the rest of the kitchen in a bit. I have a headache, and I’m going to go rest.” She went over to Matt to give him a kiss on the cheek. It wasn’t her intention for him to think she was mad at him, because she wasn’t. She was mad at herself for getting involved with a man who she knew wasn’t going to be around her long. Emmy did everything with abandon when she started feeling comfortable, and he was great at making her feel like she was the most special person in the world. She didn’t look at him as she made her way to the room, but as she saw the bed she hoped she could just close her eyes and get some sleep. The way the bed became blurry before she got into it made her hope that she could at least keep her crying quiet. This wasn’t how she wanted to come across—weak, needy, and crying at the first discussion of him leaving. Was it always going to be like this? Yes. That was the plan. He was going to be deployed to parts unknown, and she was going to continue her journey of self-discovery. The problem with her discovery was that she really liked spending time with the tall, blue-eyed SEAL who took her breath away whenever he was near.

She’d just gotten her luggage back to her in all the craziness after the disaster, and it was going to be time to get back up into the big plane and continue on. The tears were falling freely, and she’d never been so happy that she had all those brothers. They also wouldn’t have let her hear the end of a bout of crying, so she learned to be stealthy and quiet in her tear duct cleaning procedures.

The door to the bedroom opened, and she hoped that he just wanted to change his clothes, but he didn’t seem to be looking for anything, and he wasn’t preparing to leave. It was hard holding her breath, and in a few minutes, he was going to have to do CPR if he didn’t get out of the bedroom. She was afraid to breathe because there was a good chance a sob could come out and that was just not her style.

She rolled over to her side away from him so he would think the headache was just too bad to talk right now.

“I know that was a lot to process at one time. I’ve hurt you, and I’m sorry. This is one of the reasons I didn’t want to get involved with anyone. My life isn’t my own, and I’m not able to share all the information that I’d like to with someone I care about.” Matt lay down on the bed and rolled her toward him. The lamp was on, so she wasn’t able to remove the evidence that was running down her face. “I’ve grown to care for you a lot, Emmy, and I know you feel the same way, but my job is dangerous and I don’t want to hold you up.”

“This just means that you don’t want me to wait for you.” She tried to use her most powerful voice, but it was falling flat.

“I’ve seen what waiting can do to a person. My mother is one of the sweetest people I know, but the bitterness and anger of waiting for a man who isn’t ever coming back has taken its toll on her. She is suspicious, frustrated, and looks for problems where there aren’t any. I don’t want that for you.”

“So I’m just supposed to go off and do my own thing and forget that I fell in love with a SEAL?” Emmy closed her eyes because she let out the one thing she didn’t want to tell him because he’d made her mad.

Matt gently took her chin in his hand and turned her face toward his. “Emmy?”

She didn’t want to open her eyes but why not. He knew she was crying, and it wasn’t like he was going to go away. She opened her eyes and saw nothing that she thought she was going to see. There was no sign of anger or a desire to get away from her and all her emotions. He was there, and the understanding on his face made her cry harder. Damn it.

“I’m not going to say that I’ve changed my mind about waiting because you know how I feel about that, but I think we should enjoy each other while we’re together. You have an open ticket because of the typhoon, right?” Matt looked into her eyes, and all she knew was that she’d stay for as long as he was there. They had fun, and the sex was hot, but it was more to her than that. If there was a way she could sign up to be a SEAL so they could be together, she would.

“Right,” she said, wondering what he was going to say.

“Well, you have a few choices. You can either stay and we can have fun until I have to leave, or you can start you adventure now and we let fate see what’s in store for us.” He continued to look at her, but now she had trouble reading his expression. Did he want her to go or did he want her to stay?

“What would your choice be?” It pained her to hear her voice sound so watery, and she could see that it affected him, too.

“You’ve done a lot for me, Emmy. Staying here, when you had other plans, to help me get my memory back on track. I don’t think I’ve heard you complain once about anything—from my mother’s not so nice treatment of you, to your staying alone in this apartment often. You take things in stride, offering up meals and comfort at every turn.”

“That was really sweet of you to say all of that, Matt, but you didn’t say what your choice for me would be.”

“The point of me saying all of that is that you’ve done more than enough for me. This whole trip you set out to take was supposed to be about you and what you wanted. I am not going to offer any opinion because this should be based on you.” Matt’s words were making her want to cry again, and she hoped that she could keep it together until she was out of his life. He had enough going on to have to worry about leaving a basket case behind.

“I don’t really have an answer for that. I’ve had fun taking care of you. Maybe I’ve been given this opportunity to do it so I could understand my family more. It’s hard to give it up. When I found out you were regaining your memory, there was a part of me that was sad I wouldn’t be needed anymore, and as happy as I was that you were regaining yourself, I was losing my spot. Does that make any sense to you?” Emmy hoped that she didn’t sound as crazy as she felt she sounded.

“That’s understandable. You were given a charge and you felt empowered by fulfilling your duty. It’s kind of like my missions. Have you talked to your family since your revelation?”

“I’ve been talking to them frequently. They weren’t happy to find out that I was in a typhoon and even less happy that I don’t have any plans to come back soon, but I feel like we are all learning more about each other. Hopefully that will make it better whenever I do make it back.” She had wanted to share all of this with Matt, but lately when he was around she just wanted to focus on them because he’d been acting so strangely. “My mother did apologize for not telling me about my aunt’s death. She said that the two of them had talked about it and agreed not to disrupt my schooling. If my aunt knew about it and agreed, I couldn’t stay that angry about it.” Emmy knew true peace when she found out it was one of her aunt’s wishes to keep her out of the loop when she passed on. It made the week she spent with her a month beforehand all that more special, but it also gave her some new meaning of the vacation.

“That’s great. You’ve gotten more on this trip than you imagined.”

“That’s the truth. It’s funny how everything works together. If my family problems hadn’t occurred, I’d probably taken the money from my aunt and used it for a house or something, but I wanted away from it all and decided to go off on my own and find myself. Two minutes off the plane and I fall into you.” She laughed at the whole situation, but she was happier than she’d been in months. None of this told her what she should be doing, so she just went with her heart.

Matt lay beside her, watching and listening, like he had all the time in the world, but she knew he had to be tired. With physical therapy a few times a day, secret meetings, and being ambushed by a woman who wanted nothing more than to claim him as her very own had to be tiring, but his eyes had not one touch of droop in them.

“How about we just see what happens. You don’t know when you’re going to leave, and I don’t know how long I want to stay. I’ve been having so much fun with you in the bed and out that I’m not quite ready for it to be over.”

“That’s good enough for me,” Matt said and turned off the lights before he pulled her into his arms.

She lay within the warmth of his embrace and knew one thing… there was going to be pain when this was over, and it was going to be her pain. However, she was going to enjoy every second until it was over.