Tears of the Broken (33 page)

“
What? Is that what you think? That I
don’t
want
to
kiss you?” He shook his head and started walking away. “Honestly,
Ara, I don’t know where you come up with these
things.”

“
Well, then, tell me? What’s wrong? What am
I supposed to think when you act like this? When you tear away from
me like that, for no reason?” I stepped out onto the road, pointing
back to the spot where we’d just been standing. David stopped, but
didn’t turn around. “But there
is
a reason, isn’t there?”

His
shoulders stiffened and he took off again—hurriedly.

“
David,” I yelled. “Just tell me what it is. Maybe I can help.
I mean, I could at least try to understand,” I continued. “Don’t
you think I deserve a chance?”

He
stopped on the verge; I didn’t advance on him—my feet stayed firmly
planted in the middle of the empty road.

“
David. I’m not a child. I can handle it. Whatever it
is.”

Slowly, he turned and looked at me. His eyes shimmered so
green in the morning light, so liquid with troubles that I looked
away. This is bad news. I can feel it. Maybe I don’t want him to
tell me—maybe ignorance would be better.

As I
looked up from my feet, David’s hands grasped my arms; he towered
over me, his round, sharply-focused eyes locked to mine. “No. Ara.
You
can’t
handle
it. That’s why I wasn’t going to tell you.”

“
T…”
I stammered, feeling small and fragile in his giant grasp, “Tell me
what?”

“
I’m
leaving.”

My
stomach sunk into my hips. Leaving? “But—”

“
I
know I said I was never going to leave.” He dropped my arms and
closed his eyes, cursing silently under his breath. “But that was
stupid. It was never my promise to make.”

Air
refused to oxygenate my stiff lungs. “Well, how…how long are you
going for?” I closed my eyes, knowing the answer.

“
Ara.” He tilted my chin upward with the tip
of his finger. “When I leave, I won’t
be
coming back.”

It
went dark behind my eyelids. I bit my quivering lip between my
teeth. Not the tears. Please not the tears. “Why? Was it me? Did I
do something wrong?”

“
No.” David wrapped his fingers around my arms and dropped his
chin to his chest for a second. When he looked up, right into my
eyes, he stole my breath with the sadness behind his emerald gaze.
“You mustn’t think like that. This was all my fault. I should never
have let you fall in love with me. It was wrong,” his voice
choked.

“
Why would you say that?” I stepped back
from him. “
Let
me
fall in love with you? Do you think you can control
this?”

“
No,
I—”

“
Don’t touch me.” I jerked away when he reached for
me.

“
Ara, please. Just listen. I need you to understand.
This…leaving was never optional for me. I’ve done you wrong by
leading you on—”

“
Leading me on?” My arms dropped and I leaned forward
slightly, unable to believe my ears. “That’s—David, that’s a
horrible thing to say.”

“
I
know.” He took one step closer, slowly. “I know. I don’t mean it
that way. It’s just that…I always knew I had to leave. I always
knew this would have to end, but—”

“
So
you lied to me—about never leaving?”

He
looked away.

“
Why?”

He
shook his head, his words struggling behind his parted
lips.

“
Please, David. Don’t you understand? I’m
happy with you here—for the first time in so long, I can see the
sun, I can smell the rain and not want to die—not want to be
with
them
. If you
go—” Tears burned my eyes again, but I steadied my voice with a
deep breath. “If you go, you take all of that with you. I don’t
understand? Why do you have to leave?”

Without a word of response, he closed the gap between us and
wrapped his body around me, pinning my face to the cool silk shirt
over his firm chest, and though the warmth of his hands invited my
soul to feel love, his heart betrayed the anguish in his
eyes—seeming completely still, as if it weren’t even
beating.

How
can he be so calm?

My
mouth opened, but the roll-call bell cut off my words. I don’t even
care that I’m late. My dad will know, and Emily’s probably still
waiting for me, but the rest of the world seems so unimportant in
comparison to never seeing David again. “Why would you tell me
you’re leaving, David? Right before school—” I looked up at him.
“Why would you break that kind of news to me…and then hold me so
close?” Isn’t there enough cruelty in the world already?

“
Because I…” His fingers balled up into my hair at the nape my
neck, “—I don’t want this. I never did. I just…my life is very
complicated. Falling in love?” He leaned back and looked into my
eyes. “It was never in the cards for me.”

“
But you did, right? So…can’t that, I
mean,
doesn’t
that change things?”

David softly moved his head from side to side. “I wish it
did. I can’t bear to leave—not now I feel this way for you. But I
can’t stay. I tried to change things, but they…” His voice trailed
off to thought.

“
Change what? What needs to change? Me?” I took a step back.
“I can change. If I’m too needy, if I—”

“
Ara.” He scooped me into his arms again. “No. It isn’t you.
Don’t you ever think like that. You’re lovely, you’re perfect, but
there’s no way around this—I’m leaving. There’s nothing more to
it.”

“
But—” The coldness in his conclusive tone ruffled a deep rise
of anger in me. My teeth knitted together. “How could you? Just
like that?” I pushed his chest—hard—forcing him away from me with a
mighty huff. “God. I really meant nothing to you, did I? You
just…why tell me?” My hands gripped my hips. “Why?” If I mean so
little to you. “Why not just leave?”

“
Contrary to what you may think, Ara-Rose,
I
do
care for
you. I’m only telling you this after agonising over it the whole
time we’ve been together. Do you think I want this?” He pointed to
his chest. “Because if you do, it shows how very little you know
about me.”

“
That’s exactly the point, David,” I spat his name out with a
mouthful of spite. “I know nothing about you. You haven’t even told
me why you’re leaving—you never tell me anything. You say you love
me?” I dropped back on my heels. “Then tell me. Why are you
leaving? Give the excuse. Come on?” I challenged. “What great
reason do you have this time?”

“
Please?” He stretched his arm out—his fingers reaching.
“Don’t do this, Ara. I just wanted to prepare you. I just didn’t
want you to wake up one morning and wonder where I’d
gone.”

“
So,
that’s what you do, is it? Huh? You just hook up with girls?
Torment them until they love you and then leave them—let them cry
themselves to sleep every night, wondering what they did
wrong?”

“
No.” David’s deep, breaking voice steadied and he gently slid
his fingers down my shoulder, along my forearm and into my hand.
“Ara. I’m not a bad guy, I—look, there’s a lot you don’t know about
me—”

“
Clearly,” I cut in with a cold, sarcastic edge to my tone.
“You said—you told me you were here to stay, that you were always
going to be around,” my voice quivered. “Why would you do
that?

He
took a breath and his shoulders dropped, but he didn’t look at
me.

“
Please, David. I’m going crazy here.” My heart gave in to the
tears and they spilled endlessly over my cheeks. It’s over, all the
hope I had for surviving the pain. If he goes, I don’t know what
I’ll do. I feel so unsteady, I feel like I’m standing on the
street, alone, in the pouring rain, and even the smell of the cut
grass and the vapours of the melting dew on the hot pavement won’t
change my mind, won’t make me believe this is not some horror movie
where my hero walks away, gets hit by a taxi and I never see him
again.

David’s chin turned in the direction of Mr. Herman’s house
before his eyes followed. I angled my head slightly, catching the
old man’s gaze as he stared at us through his lace curtains. “Ara,
this isn’t the place to have this discussion. I—” He pulled my hand
until I stepped closer to him. “I’m sorry. Okay? I know I said I’d
stay, but—”

My
shoulders hunched and shook harder. I wiped the useless torrent of
betrayal-thickened tears from my chin and covered my quivering
jaw.

“
Ara?” David said in a soft, smooth whisper; I looked up, but
he added nothing else. Instead, he watched me break apart in front
of him—sobbing, red-faced, no doubt, with my mask of composure
completely crumpled into a sour-faced scowl. I wish I could control
my emotions. I’m so ashamed of myself. But David’s the glue—he’s
everything that’s holding me together.

“
Please don’t cry,” he pleaded, as though somehow my tears
might bring the sky falling down on him.

“
What am I supposed to do?” I said in faint whimper. “Should I
just say fine? See ya. Nice to know you? What did you honestly
expect by telling me this, David?”

“
I
don’t know. I guess, I thought you’d take it better.”

“
How would
you
take it?” I yelled. “No. You
know what? Screw you.” I pushed his chest, he took a few stumbling
steps backward. “Screw you and all your weird behaviour. I’m sick
of it. Do you hear me? Go—just go. I don’t care,” I screamed at him
through hysterical tears.

His
lips froze, open like a small cavern, and his eyes broke into
glassy jewels, displaying the fact that his proverbial heart just
stopped. I know he’s shocked and hurt, but I don’t care.

Letting the sobs out in noisy hiccups, I folded my arms over
my chest and lowered my head.

“
I really am
very
sorry, Ara.” David backed away
from me, one step at a time.

I
watched in disbelief. How can he leave me like this? How can he
leave me in the middle of the street, crying?

My
soul shifted as the gap between us grew.

No.
I can’t let him leave. Oh, God, I should’ve bitten my tongue. I
should never have said those things to him. “David?
Wait!”

“
Please don’t, Ara.” He shook his head, then turned
away.

“
Where are you going?” I forced myself to stop crying and run
after him. “I’m sorry. Please?” My feet dragged me across the road,
to his side, quickly. “Don’t go? I don’t want you to go. Please
don’t do this…” I begged, tugging on the sleeve of his black silk
shirt.

As
David looked down at me, the ice shell that masked his face broke
into a thousand pieces and his shoulders dropped, followed by his
arms. He spun his body and tucked me into him, squeezing his
fingers into the back of my neck—forcing my face hard against his
chest.

I
feel complete again.

“
Please?” I mumbled into his shirt. “Just don’t go.
Please…just don’t.”

“
I have to, Ara. I have no choice. It’s not
up to me.” He shook his head. “My sweet girl, if you
only
knew how deeply I
love you—you would know how this is tearing me
apart.”

“
Is
it?” I wiped my wrist across my nose and looked up at
him.

He
nodded. “You should know that.”

“
But, there must be something? I mean—if not for the sake of
love, then what else? There has to be a way you can stay with
me.”

David squeezed me closer to him and took a breath. “I can’t
stay with you, but you could…”

I
stopped sobbing and looked up at him; he focused on something
really far away. “Could what, David?”

He
looked over his shoulder, at the school, and sighed. “I have to do
something. Will you be okay on your own today?” he asked in a kind
and soothing voice—like he was speaking to a child.

“
No.
I won’t be fine. I mean. I don’t want to be. I want you to stay.” A
cold rush of emptiness blanketed my chest as he stepped away from
me. “Where are you going?”

“
To
buy some time. Figure things out.”

“
Figure what out?”

David smiled down at me, the same way he did the first day we
went to the lake. He wiped his thumb over my moist cheek. “You know
better than anyone that I have secrets?”

I
nodded.

“
Moving on is one of the ramifications of holding secrets, but
for me, revealing them could be worse. So, please don’t be sad
without me, today.” He kissed my nose. “I need some time to
think—to see if I can find a way around this, or at least buy some
more time for us to be together. Okay?”

“
Are
you coming back?”

David smiled and nodded. “Today, I will be.” He kissed my
forehead and backed away from me. My fingers clutched his shirt,
but he took another step and they broke free—just fell away, like
he never even noticed I was there.