Teaching Kids to Think (3 page)

Most parents will agree that there are ups and downs when developing friendships and that children need to learn how to deal with social challenges on their own, such as how to deal with disagreements or gossip. Yet the temptation to make a situation better for their child is so strong that parents can't help themselves from intervening—for example, they start calling the parents of the other children, setting up apologies, and forcing children to be friends again. Most parents don't even realize they have fallen in the trap. This situation is quite common for parents.

Parents attempt other social rescues too. These include buying children the top brand-name clothes or electronic gadget so they will be accepted by their friends. When parents simply purchase things for their children because their child says “all the other kids” have them, parents are rescuing their children from a chance to figure out how to deal with a social dilemma—in this case, feeling left out among their peers. Instead, parents should give their children the opportunity to rescue themselves and become their own problem solvers.

The Hurried Trap

Parents want to do everything in their power for their children, and that translates into feeling pushed to meet their needs quickly. In doing so, they enable a pattern of instant gratification.

For many parents, caring for children often seems to translate into meeting their needs quickly. If their child wants something and they provide it immediately, their child is satisfied and happy. However, this pattern strengthens the expectation for instant gratification. This pattern is easy to spot in today's children and adolescents, who seem unwilling to wait for anything, ever!

“Good things come to those who wait” has been touted as an important life lesson for decades. However, what is the relevance in today's competitive world? When high academic achievement and a student's acceptance into a “competitive” college are top priorities for many parents, how does this lesson of patience relate to the ultimate goal?

Walter Mischel, a psychologist who is well known for his research on delayed gratification and children, is most noteworthy for the Stanford marshmallow experiment (reported in an article coauthored by Ebbe Ebbesen).
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In the study, he offered children a choice of eating one marshmallow that was placed in front of them immediately or two if they were able to wait (approximately fifteen minutes). He then compared the children who were able to wait to the children who were not able to wait to eat the marshmallow, a unique measure of delayed gratification. He followed up with these children eighteen and twenty years later and found that the children who were able to delay gratification ultimately did better academically and earned higher SAT scores.
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Similar studies found better social responsibility and higher achievement strivings.
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Overall, research shows that students who were able to delay gratification were more likely to focus on an academic goal and work toward it. A student who is able to delay gratification is able to plan a carefully considered approach, as opposed to acting impulsively based on an initial desire. A big part of our work with children involves getting them to stop just long enough to think before they act. Clearly, teaching children self-discipline and delayed gratification is paramount in helping them achieve academic goals and develop positive interpersonal skills.

When Children Focus on Getting Their Own Needs Met First

In my practice one day, I met with a teenage girl and her mother. The girl came in very upset and said, “Dr. Darlene, my mom is so unfair! I was planning a sleepover with my friends all week where we were going to do each other's makeup, hair, and do facials, and my mom almost ruined it.”

It turns out her parents didn't know about the sleepover or how much effort it would require to purchase the specific beauty supplies from several different stores. The Friday afternoon of the sleepover, the girl sent her mother a text saying she needed her mom to take her to the store to buy supplies. Mom did not see the text because she was at an appointment. Later that night, the girl yelled at her mother for ruining the sleepover, because she would not have time to get the supplies before her softball practice. The mom ended up going to several stores and canceling her afternoon plans so that she could immediately meet her daughter's needs, which were poorly planned in the first place.

—Dr. Darlene

Children and teens in the Instant Gratification Generation tend to consider themselves as individuals, as opposed to a part of a family unit. When children expect something right away, they don't consider the impact meeting that need quickly might have on others. In the previous example, the girl did not consider why her mother did not see the text or that the family may have had other plans that evening. She simply assumed her mother would do as she asked in regard to her event. The girl considered only her own schedule and needs.

Parents can inadvertently encourage this expectation when they don't make their children wait for anything. If a child is always the primary focus and his needs are constantly met first, it is fair for the child to expect that this will always be the case. Why wouldn't he? And when the time comes that the parents cannot meet his needs right away, it makes sense that the child will become angry and demand attention. He is not thinking about
why
the parent can't do something, because he is not used to considering himself within a family unit. Therefore, the time spent waiting can feel uncomfortable.

Teaching children to feel comfortable with waiting (in other words, patience) is the key to teaching delayed gratification. This technique works even with young children. To help children consider others and develop patience, parents need to regularly communicate that their child will have to wait. If a five-year-old child says, “Mom, can you play with me?” Mom can say, “I can play with you in a few minutes, after I finish folding the laundry.” If an eight-year-old child says, “Dad, can you make us lunch?” Dad can say, “I will be ready to make it in ten minutes.” Children will learn to either wait or get what they want by themselves. Both are great options. This teaches children not only the quality of patience but also that they are part of a family or community and the needs of everyone should be considered. In addition, they may develop a level of self-sufficiency and self-confidence, by doing something constructive as they wait. This is such a simple thing to do and such a wonderful lesson to teach.

Electronic Gratification

Recently a seventeen-year-old senior drove herself to a therapy appointment with me. She sent me a text two minutes before the hour to tell me she was there and then knocked on the door at the top of the hour because I didn't respond. This happens frequently. This is a great therapeutic opportunity for me to talk about waiting and social norms, but it is also indicative of how often she does this with other people.

—Dr. Ron

To complicate things even further, children have developed a very low frustration tolerance for waiting, thanks to technology. With the introduction of new devices that provide information at the touch of a finger, such as tablet computers, there is not much for which children and teens are required to “wait.” Not only do they have access to any television show on demand, pictures via digital cameras (rather than waiting for film to be developed or prints made), and directions via GPS (rather than using a paper map), but they also have access to answers to questions within seconds of asking, thanks to the Internet. The convenience that accompanies smartphones has strengthened the need for instant gratification even more, as we discuss further in
chapter 7
. This need for immediate response is encouraged throughout most aspects of their lives. Teens today often communicate with their parents and friends via text messaging. In fact, it has quickly become the primary form of communication for many. It is rare to find a teen without a cell phone within reach at all times. Therefore, if they receive a text message from a friend, it is expected that they will respond right away, which is the social norm. If they want to ask about plans for the day or what happened during a party, they will get the information within seconds of texting the question to a friend. There is no delay in finding out the information. Now let's look at some examples parents have shared with us of the low frustration tolerance of their kids.

There is no stopping the trend of convenience. However, there are many ways to encourage and support patience and delayed gratification. The following are some examples:

Electronics play a significant role for most of us on a daily basis. When used reasonably, these gadgets can add a lot of convenience and joy to our lives. For some people, however, electronics condition them to need instant feedback, which simply cannot be sustained in a healthy manner. We have offered some suggestions to help you manage the benefits and consequences of technology.

Teach the Lessons Early

At what age is it appropriate to begin to teach self-discipline through delayed gratification? Infants depend on care providers to meet their needs immediately. If they are hungry, they should be fed; if they are wet, they should be changed; if they have gas, they should be burped. As infants develop into toddlers, their “needs” expand into “wants,” and then the bait-and-switch technique becomes a parent's go-to survival response. If a toddler wants to play with your keys but you need to drive the car, you distract the child with another toy and sneak the keys away.

The challenge for many parents is in knowing when children are ready to learn they cannot have everything they want when they want it. It is the shift from instant gratification to delayed gratification. If a two-year-old child says, “Milk,” it is important to encourage him to continue to use words to communicate, so quickly getting him milk is exactly what a parent does. But if a six-year-old or a twelve-year-old child says, “I want milk,” he is very capable of waiting. Similarly, if your two-year-old child is absolutely taken with a toy at your neighbor's house, you may go out the next day to buy the toy for your child. However, if you do that for your four-year-old or ten-year-old child, you are encouraging the expectation for instant gratification.