Tattered Innocence (32 page)

She pressed her forehead against the
steering wheel.

Jake sat in the Sugar Mill Ruins where
Rachel had left him. The sun passed behind a cloud, chilling his
temper. He shivered.

Rachel’s scorn had bled through her words.
His life disgusted her. She wanted her own babies, not another
woman’s—a reality check he didn’t have the energy to think about
now.

His life crumbled like the Sugar Mill had.
Dad had exited long ago. Gramps. Now Rachel. You never knew which
walls bore weight till your life sagged and toppled when one was
ripped out from under you.

Gramps had shored him up when Dad died, but
no one lined up to take Gramps’ place.

Gramps’ words ruffled in the breeze
overhead.
What about God?

Good point. At least God wouldn’t get hit by
a drunk driver or die of a heart attack.

Rachel’s question rankled. How
was
running his own life working for him?

He’d contributed to Gramps’ death. Jake
tossed a rock, and it clunked against the guilt-rock under the arch
he’d hurled earlier. He’d fathered a son whose mother he didn’t
love. Another rock thudded in the sand beside the first. He’d lost
the woman he did love—and his first mate—jeopardizing his business.
He lobbed another rock. Gabs wanted marriage. Nathan needed a dad.
Two more rocks.

He didn’t have a clue what to do. How could
he make the right decisions about Nathan’s future? Marrying Gabs?
The
Queen
?

Just thinking about telling his mother what
he’d done oozed shame from his pores. She couldn’t say much, having
traveled this road herself. But disappointment would dog her, then
embarrassment when she told her sisters and the extended
family.

Continuing the way he’d lived for
twenty-eight years, he’d probably make some good choices and some
bad ones.

But shedding the guilt and shame? Unlikely.
Leaf said to focus on the positive. As if that were possible at the
moment.

With God he had a shot at a lot of
things—knowing the right choices, forgiveness he could no longer
get from Gramps. Maybe with God he’d have a leg-up on becoming the
man Gramps had been, something he hadn’t come close to achieving on
his own. A bitter laugh slipped out.

Jake retraced his thought process before
deciding to skip that last summer with Gramps, before sleeping with
Gabs. They’d been small, almost innocent, decisions. Was there any
hope he’d get life right on his own?

The realization dawned on him slowly as the
sun parted the smoky clouds. He wanted to know Gramps’ God, the God
Rachel wrestled. He wanted whatever life he would get back.

He stood in the ruins and lifted his face to
the sun.

“Yes.”

His eyes drooped shut, and the sun baked the
chill from his skin though his flannel shirt.

When shadow cloaked him, he opened his eyes.
Sun beamed through the arch onto the rocks he’d tossed earlier—the
boulder of guilt near the adjoining wall and the smaller rocks of
his failures basked haphazardly in the opening.

Forgiveness before he’d even asked.

Shoulders still warm, his chin dropped to
his chest. Humility, gratitude, awe swam through him. He could
almost feel Gramps’ smile.

He knew from watching Rachel that guilt
didn’t evaporate in an instant, but this was a start.

His phone vibrated in his pocket.

Text from Gabs.

Decide.

Jake passed Gabs in the
Queen’s
narrow fore passageway, careful not to brush against her.

She stopped, inches away. “You’re going to
have to touch me sometime if we’re getting married.”

“I haven’t said I’d marry you.”

Gabs’ hand closed around his forearm. “Seven
months ago, you begged me to marry you. Two months ago, you wanted
to try again. What’s stopping you from marrying me now?”

“What if there’s somebody else?”

Her hands popped off his arm. “Oh?” The word
came out like a squeak.

He expected to see hurt in her eyes, but she
brightened.

“That’s a decision you’ll have to make. I
can’t force you to marry me.” Her voice lilted, almost making him
think she wanted him to say no.

He scrounged through his memory of their
November phone conversation. She’d said something important he
couldn’t remember.

Jake crossed his arms and leaned against the
bulkhead. “Why would you marry someone you don’t love?”

“For Nathan’s sake. You’ll be a good father,
Jake. That was never an issue.” Gabs bent over the crib where
Nathan fussed after his nap.

Pressure bore down on Jake. He needed to
choose soon. In three days a fully-booked
Queen
sailed.
God, what am I supposed to do?

His gaze smacked into the rear view of Gabs
as she changed the baby. He bounced his gaze to the galley. Yeah,
he needed to make a decision.

Gabs picked up Nathan with one hand and
tugged her shirt free from her waistband with the other.

Geez.
Jake headed for the
companionway.

“Why do you freak out every time I feed the
baby?”

“How long till he eats PB & J?”

“Ian says breast feeding is a natural and
beautiful part of life.”

“Ian?”

Gabs’ cheeks pinked, and she glanced down at
the baby who ate as if he hadn’t had a drop in twenty-four hours.
“The doctor who delivered Nathan.”

The lost piece of their phone call knocked
Jake in the head. “You fell for your doctor? That’s how you knew
you didn’t love me?”

Of course, a society girl, even one like
Gabs who didn’t care if she ever stepped foot in a country club,
would fit with a doctor. Everything made sense now. Jake’s blue
collar roots rose up to bite him once again, but for the first
time, it didn’t hurt.

“He’s not interested in marrying me.” She
gazed out the porthole, anguish chiseled into her face. Her bottom
lip trembled. “Women fall for the doctors who deliver their babies
all the time. Who knows how many hearts Ian’s broken.” She faced
him, and he saw his own pain looking back at him.

The truth lodged in Jake’s gut. Even if she
loved someone else, she needed him. She wasn’t the kind of woman
who could weather the social stigma of single motherhood for the
long haul. Did he have Gramps’ integrity to step up and father his
son?

Rachel zipped up her sweatshirt and joined
the people straggling toward the bonfire. She glanced over her
shoulder to see who jogged up behind her.

Hall caught up with her. “Hey.”

Jusinia waved and joined a girl wrapped in a
blanket down by the water.

Hall stopped and motioned toward the saw
grass-covered dunes. “Have a minute?”

They stood overlooking the fire in the
distance.

Full moon illuminated Hall’s serious,
one-hundred-percent-present gaze trained on her.

Fear skated around her stomach, and she
shivered. She couldn’t remember the last time Hall had sought her
out. Was this the talk she’d been avoiding for months—where Hall
would tell her he couldn’t get past her affair after all?

Hall leaned forward, his eyes intense, fixed
on hers. “I told you I let things go, but it wasn’t that easy. Part
of me was still pissed at what you put me through. I’m not proud of
it, but I wanted you to pay for what you did.”

“Looks like I am—things ended with Jake.

“You’re kidding. What happened?”

“His ex-fiancé showed up with his baby.”

Hall whistled. “That sucks!” His forehead
wrinkled. “I understand ditching a guy with that kind of baggage,
but I’m surprised. You’ve always loved everybody’s babies. You
cried for days when the Capanellis and their three rug rats moved
to Valdosta. If anybody could love a guy’s kid, you could.”

“Yeah, I could. But I don’t deserve
Jake.”

“Didn’t Jesus pay for what you did?”

“You said yourself that you’re still pissed.
Why wouldn’t God be, too?”

Hall leaned back on his hands in the sand.
“I thought I was better than you because I haven’t done anything as
big-league as you have.”

Rachel opened her mouth to agree with him,
but he cut her off.

“I was wrong. Falling in love with Jusinia,
knowing she loves me, made me see things differently. My scorecard
is hardly clean—normal stuff, lust, a little porn, cheating on a
test, a lie here or there, fudging on my time card, probably taking
things further than I should with Jusinia. But God’s not making me
pay. Instead, I get the girl I love. He doesn’t act like we expect
Him to act.”

She froze, even her breath stilling. Her
eyes rooted to Hall’s. “I’m asking again—will you forgive me for
all the suffering I caused you?”

“Yeah, it’s past time.”

She held his gaze. Finally, breath pushed
out of her lungs, relief rushed into its place. The balloon of
distance flattened between them, and she wrapped her arms around
him.

“Will you forgive me for judging
you—thinking I’m better than you are? For holding a grudge?”

“Of course, but you had cause.” She planted
a foot on the dune and reached over to hug his neck. “I love you,
baby brother.” She sat back.

Moonlight blanketed them with white
light.

Hall smiled. “Yeah, love you, too.”

Rachel slid a look at him. “Enough to help
me apply for crewing jobs in Fort Lauderdale and on the Gulf
Coast?”

“After you try to work things out with
Jake.”

She whipped her face toward Hall.
“What?”

“Jesus wiped you clean as a whiteboard fresh
from the factory—the first time you asked—like He did for me.” Hall
pierced her with his eyes, infusing her with challenge and hope.
“Fight for Jake.”

She stared at her brother’s man-stubbled
chin, finally seeing him as the adult he’d become.

A snippet of a song from the bonfire floated
to her.
Forgiven… free.

Did she have enough faith to believe Jake
could actually love her? She opened her mouth. Closed it. Opened it
again. But maybe she had just enough faith to do what Hall asked.
“I’ll do it.”

Jake stood in the shadows beyond the fire
scanning the faces. Music floated around him. His gaze halted on
Rachel, her face turned away from him as she gazed toward the
ocean.

The music quieted, and Jesse spoke, “God’s
mercy
is like getting stopped by a cop for speeding and
getting off with a warning. God’s
grace
is, instead of a
ticket, the cop handing you the keys to a new Ford Mustang
convertible….”

Rachel turned her face toward Jesse. Tears
glistened on her cheeks in the firelight.

Jake wrenched himself away, striding toward
the crashing waves that echoed his frustration. Kicking seaweed out
of his way, he jogged into a run for the jetty a mile down the
beach. Rachel’s tears slid across his consciousness, bittersweet.
Maybe she did love him. But that didn’t mean marrying her was the
right thing to do.

Jake perched on a dry slab of the jetty. His
pulse and breathing eased to normal. He spoke into the spray, “What
do You want me to do?”

Purple clouds raced across inky sky, waves
smacking against the rocks the only sound.

If he could do whatever he wanted, he’d
marry Rachel—if she’d have him—and somehow
also
b
ecome a regular part of Nathan’s life. He had no idea how
to figure out what God wanted him to do. What would Gramps do?

The light from the lighthouse glimmered
across Ponce De León Inlet.

Gramps would become a dad to Nate. But he’d
do the right thing by Gabs, too…. Jake didn’t know if that would
include marrying her to protect her from the shame from single
parenthood.

The rumpled opal of the Atlantic lay before
him.

The answer settled on him, jetty boulders
piling on his body one by one.

He’d have to go more than half-way to
accommodate Gabs. Nathan’s conception had been more his fault than
hers. She wasn’t the kind of woman who could raise a child on a
boat. How had he ever imagined Gabs embracing sailing? Everything
clarified in the light of have-to.

Hadn’t he strived toward her world his whole
life? BMWs, country club, a woman with money in her DNA, restaurant
Thanksgivings, Christmases on travertine tile, drinking out of
crystal. Odd, how the instant he made the decision, his paradigm
flipped. Now, the trappings of the club sounded cold and
foreign.

How long would it take to sell the
Queen
so he could move to Arizona? With all the remodeling
and maintenance he’d done, she should raise enough for a fresh
start, buy time to dive back into corporate America. His gut
clenched.

His son deserved two parents, a life where
his mother could cope.

He could tolerate all those things, even
giving up the
Queen
and his dream. But how would he go on
breathing without Rachel?

He’d have to.

“Jake!”

Recognition slammed him. Rachel stood at the
base of the jetty as though his thoughts had conjured her. The
cement of his resolve nearly cracked as he monkeyed across the
boulders toward her.

Would she hike down to the jetty if she were
still disgusted with him?

He leapt onto the sand in front of her,
breathing hard. The sloppy-soft folds of her sweatshirt begged him
to gather her in his arms. He steeled himself against her. He would
marry Gabs. Soon.

Her gaze clamped onto his, and she stepped
close enough to kiss. Moonlight reflected off the gloss on her
lips. He shouldn’t even be thinking about the possibility. He
needed to step back toward the rocks, put more sand between
them.

The wind blew cords of hair across her face
and she pushed them away. “You asked me if someday I’d kiss you
because I wanted to….”

She’d tell him that day would never come,
and he could start breathing again.