Tattered Innocence (29 page)

The shed door thumped as he pushed it shut
and replaced the lock.

They walked arm-in-arm toward the lights and
noise of the house.

“You go on in,” he said. “Your teeth are
chattering.”

“Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah.” He shot her a smile. “I need to walk
the farm and say my goodbyes.”

She stepped onto the first step, and he
caught hold of her mitten.

“I’ve never… cried… about Gramps.
Thanks.”

“It felt good to be on the comforting end of
a meltdown for once. Thanks for trusting me, especially when I
didn’t trust you with my dyslexia.”

He looked up at her. “Why didn’t you tell me
about it?”

“I worked for my last boss for five years,
and he didn’t find out. Bret never came close to figuring it out.
If you had a handicap that would make people think you were stupid,
you’d hide it, too.”

He took her by the shoulders. “You’re not
stupid. You’re probably smarter than I am. You’re lightning with
your comebacks, and I’ve never had to show you anything twice on
the
Queen
.”

Her face melted into uncertainty, then he
was gazing into eyes wide with vulnerability.

“I just wish you’d trusted me enough to tell
me.”

“I’ll work on it.” She pressed her lips to
his cheek.

He watched her climb the steps. Light
swallowed her and his comfort as the door swung shut.

His eyes burned. His body felt weary to the
bone. But if he didn’t face his loss now, he’d shove it back inside
where it ate at him twenty-four seven.

He stomped the cold from his feet and
marched toward the fence line. Rachel had softened his pain for a
few minutes, but now it sliced back into his gut like whirling
razorblades. This was what he’d been afraid of—more pain than he
could stand, dicing his insides.

Gramps had died beside the lake. Had he been
thinking of Jake, planning to take the pram out like they used to
do every day all summer long?

Jake had recovered from Gabs. Dad, not so
much—a hole never filled. Gramps…. He walked the fence line,
blowing his breath into the crisp night air.

If only he’d chosen to spend Gramps’ last
summer with him instead of with Gabs, whom he’d just started
dating. He’d chosen a rich girl he’d recovered from in a couple of
months over a man he’d miss the rest of his life.

Mom said Gramps had learned to put people
first. Maybe he’d cut Jake some slack for not getting it right the
first time.

He glanced at the house, and his mind
drifted to Rachel. She thought he was on the rebound, but she was
wrong. He’d prove it to her before they went home.

He felt Gramps’ smile on his back as he
pushed open the side door.

He thawed out on the basement steps, his
body leaden, his emotions spent.

Rachel flipped through a picture book.
Children fanned around her on the gold and green shag carpeting.
She lay on her stomach, from this angle revealing more cleavage
than was usually available for public consumption.

Heat flickered inside him as though a pilot
light burned.

His cousin Jenny’s girl brushed Rachel’s
hair. A pig-tailed pixie he recognized, but couldn’t match with the
correct cousin, lay on her other side poised to turn the page. A
toddler boy sat cross-legged in front of Rachel, lining up matchbox
cars. Older children raced around their island of calm playing
freeze tag.

Rachel would make a great mom. But that
wasn’t what he was thinking about.

Rachel jogged up the basement stairs and
stopped.

In the kitchen, Jake’s mother was saying to
her sister, Sophie, “My son traveled the furthest and brought a
friend home. That trumps your new Christmas dishwasher.” The tired
creases on her face crinkled into laugh lines.

The other sister, Maxie, cleared her throat.
“Excuse me, girls, but you’re forgetting I had the first grandbaby
this year.”

Rachel heard Sophie harrumph as she passed
through the kitchen, then their happy banter continued.

She’d done the right thing by coming to
Indiana. And maybe she’d even comforted Jake tonight.

Ned crossed the kitchen behind her and
jutted his chin toward his mother and aunts. “I haven’t seen Mom
have fun like this in too long. Thanks for coming.”

“You could have come up with your own girl,
you know.”

“Right. Why don’t you just marry my brother?
Do us all a favor.”

“So, about my friend, Cat—”

“Seriously, I’d be happy to have you as a
sister.”

“Thanks. Anybody as tender-hearted as you
are would make a great brother-in-law.”

Jake joined them and slipped his arm around
her waist.

She searched his eyes and saw a
vulnerability he’d never shown her. Maybe there
was
a way
Jake would let her take care of him. She threaded her arm around
him.

Small talk swilled the room, lulling her
into contentment. She wouldn’t mind joining this family. Not at
all.

“Goodnight—”
Mom,
Rachel almost said.
She stood in the living room doorway, watching Joanne trudge up the
stairs in her new slippers and a worn terry robe.

Jake came up behind Rachel. “You’re standing
under the mistletoe.”

His breath tickled her neck, and she turned
to face him. Her glance traveled from the mistletoe to Jake’s
grin.

His smile faded, and his hands settled on
her waist.

Even though no question formed in Jake’s
eyes, she knew she could back away and he would let her go. But she
wanted this kiss. She leaned into him, meeting cool lips that
tasted of Dr. Pepper. Her arms laced around his shoulders.

Jake moaned and folded her to him, his chest
expanding and contracting against hers.

Her fingers wove into the curls at the back
of his neck. She wanted to stay here forever, feeling loved and
cherished by Jake.

Someone barreled through the kitchen door
startling them apart. “Hoo wee!” Tim said. “At least somebody’s
getting use out of my mistletoe. Get it, bro.” He slapped Jake five
on the way past and bounded up the stairs.

Jake caressed her cheek, his breath coming
in short bursts like hers. “Early morning tomorrow. I’m taking you
to Clifty Falls State Park. You’re going to love it.” He kissed her
hairline and moved up the stairs.

Wait. I kissed you because I wanted to. And
I wasn’t done.

Her pulse eased into the normal range and
she touched the spot Jake had kissed. It was an odd habit, but
endearing. She sighed. What if Jake loved her? What if Cat was
right? They could get married on the
Queen
at the end of his
family’s cruise in May.

She pushed open the door to Jake’s old room
and pulled out her phone. A text from Hall.
Things not pretty
here. Pray for Mom and Dad.

The thousand miles between her and the
wreckage of her parents’ marriage evaporated and she sank to her
knees.
I’m begging You. Save my parents’ marriage.

But would He? What if her parents’ split was
permanent? What if Mama moved away with Skye?

Tears blurred the soccer letters and medals
on Jake’s high school bulletin board. She stood and let the skirt
that made her feel so feminine fall in a pool of wrinkles at her
feet. The so-soft sweater dropped on top of it. She yanked on her
sweats and the cool fleece chilled her skin.

Did her parents think divorce didn’t hurt
adult children? What would Mama and Dad’s divorce do to Hall? To
her?

Being with Jake and his family this week had
lulled her into thinking it could work between them. Hall’s text
was her wake-up call. She didn’t want a marriage built on the San
Andreas Fault like her parents’ had been.

When she switched off the lamp, hulking sobs
she’d held back for over a week ambushed her. She buried her face
in Jake’s pillow.
God, it hurts so badly.

She ached for Mom’s fingers running through
her hair, her voice murmuring that everything would be all right.
Rachel peered out the window at the night, seeing Mama speeding out
of her life, half-way through Georgia, in a black Corvette.

The caffeine from the cup of coffee Rachel
swallowed on the way to the park finally kicked into her system.
Hiking into the ravine, she munched on the now-cold toast and bacon
Jake had wrapped in a paper towel and shoved into her pocket at the
house.

He’d dragged her—literally—out of bed before
sunup. She’d come to when he plunked her down on the toilet seat
lid and tossed her cosmetics bag into her lap, saying something
about it being the last chance for her to see the Ohio River.

But all she could think about was waking and
dreaming and waking and dreaming of her parents screaming
obscenities at each other—and Jake’s ripping her from sleep before
God was even awake.

God, please….
She didn’t even know
what to pray.

At the bottom of the ravine they crossed a
dry creek bed filled with dead leaves and limestone slabs. Starting
up the adjacent incline, a crisp breeze swept through the canyon,
and she tugged Nikki’s wool headband over her ears. She sucked air
into her oxygen-starved lungs as she mashed her steps into Jake’s
footfalls.

“So, how many kids do you want?” Jake asked,
nearing the peak.

Rachel caught her breath at the top and
peered back into the ravine. “Huh? Was I asleep when you began this
conversation?” She loosened her coat to let in some cool air.

“Answer the question.”

“Morning people.” She sucked in a deep
breath. “I want a houseful. I don’t know exactly how many.
You?”

“When I was a kid, I thought four kids in my
family were three too many. Our house was bedlam. Mom wired the
lamps to the tables.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Three boys indoors all winter, wrestling
each other to the floor, playing ball in the house, Nikki shrieking
after us.” Jake hiked ahead as the path leveled off. “Yeah, I’d
like a bunch of kids. Think how much fun it would be to raise kids
on a sailboat.”

“There’s a cure for boredom—trying to keep
them all from falling overboard.”

Her mind clouded with small faces of
children Jake would have someday, and she clunked into Jake’s back.
“Could you tell me when you’re stopping?”

“Look.” He pointed. “The Ohio River.”

She squinted at the wisp of water snaking
between the trees. “That’s it?”

“The river is at least a half mile away and
three hundred feet below us. We’ll stop in Madison for lunch on the
way home so you can see it up close.”

She gazed at the green water slashing
Indiana from Kentucky. In two days, water would slash her from
Jake. January First.

“Rae….” Jake watched Rachel’s profile as she
stared at the Ohio River.

He cracked his knuckles in his gloves. He
wished he had a better read on her, but she’d been
preoccupied—probably with her folks—all week. He sucked in a
breath. This was the woman he wanted to wake up next to for the
rest of his life.

“Hmm?” She dragged her eyes away from the
river to meet his.

He took her hands and stared at the fingers
of his gloves clasping her mittens. He met her eyes.

“I’m serious—this time.” He shed a glove,
dug Grams’ ring out of his jeans and held it between two
fingers.

Tepid sun bathed the rectangular diamond in
its antique setting.

He tried to gauge Rachel’s reaction as she
eyed the ring, but her expression seemed frozen in shock.

“It was my grandmother’s ring. Gramps gave
it to me.” He tightened his grip on her mittened fingers. “Marry
me. Let’s have those kids. We can sail together the rest of our
lives.”

Love me.

“No.”

A punch to the gut. “What?”

“How can I say I’ll marry you when my
parents are about to divorce? My life is a mess. I cried myself to
sleep last night.”

His jaw clenched. “Why didn’t you come and
get me if you were upset? I thought we were closer than that. At
least you could have said something about it this morning.”

A cold wind blew against his face. He stared
at two barges the size of micro cars inching past each other on the
watery green path. For a moment, it seemed as though they
rendezvoused—but they traveled on, chugging in opposite
directions.

“What does your parents’ marriage have to do
with us?”

“I don’t want to talk about it now.” Rachel
pulled her hand out of his grasp.

He reached up and pulled her chin toward
him. His thumb brushed away a tear. “Rae, look at me.”

Wet eyes peered back
.

“I know how you feel about kids. Why won’t
you let me give you what you want?”

“I’m your second choice.”

His hand fell limp at his side. “There’s
nothing I can do about that. I wish I’d met you before Gabrielle,
but I didn’t.”

Jake stood, planted in the dead leaves as
she hiked away. She was being ridiculous. How many people made it
to twenty-eight without falling in love, or believing they were in
love? What about her feelings for Bret? Hadn’t she loved him, or
thought she did?

He fisted the ring and shoved it into his
pocket.

Rachel glanced over her shoulder. Jake
hadn’t moved from the spot overlooking the Ohio River where he’d
proposed. She marched along the trail, each step confirming she’d
made the right choice.

He wasn’t going to come after her to
convince her to change her mind. He’d never said he loved her. A
shared desire for children and sailing would only give her a
marriage like her parents’.

Hot tears trailed down her face. Last night
she’d ached for the comfort of Jake’s arms when she cried. Now, she
needed him again.

His footsteps sounded behind her.