Tappin' On Thirty (22 page)

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Authors: Candice Dow

BOOK: Tappin' On Thirty
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I lifted my head. “So it's all my fault?”
“It's no one's fault. We can't help what we feel, but it doesn't make me feel good that I'm hurting her. I took her out today, because I felt sorry for her. That's all.”
Why did I sympathize with him? I guess mostly it was my own guilt. I let another incident slide on my road to victory.
40
SCOOTER
W
hy did Akua wait until three weeks before my moving date to become vulnerable? My feelings were in too deep with Taylor. I pictured her in my life. I imagined spending Christmas and Thanksgivings with her family, not Akua's. Her tears began to wash away my confidence. We've been sleeping in the same bed again. She now tiptoes out in the morning to avoid waking me.
She asks every day, “Have you made a decision, yet?”
I wonder how long the stranger I've been sleeping with will be around. What if I miss my chance to be with my ideal mate? If I screw this up, will Taylor ever speak to me again? If I hadn't led her on for so long, things would be different. There was less than seven seconds left in the game. I looked left. I looked right. I weighed my choice. Do I shoot the jumper and get three points? Do I go for the guaranteed lay up, lying beside me? Two points, but it still puts me up a point. Three points will guarantee a win. As I compared my drama to basketball, Akua stared at me.
Her vulnerability was so beautiful. I found myself kissing her for no reason. When I sat up on the side of the bed, I sighed. “I have to pack.”
She pulled up on me and rested her chin on my shoulders. “You're really leaving me?”
I shrugged my shoulders. Her wet cheek touched my back. “Why won't you give me a chance to change?”
I dropped my head. “Ku, I don't know what I'm doing.”
“Why do you love her so much?”
I shrugged my shoulders.
“Why can't we figure this out?”
“I'm going to move out, so I can be clear about what I want.” I turned to face her. “I think that's best. That way, I'm not leading anyone on.”
“I'm afraid of losing you. I've always thought if I worked hard for something I wouldn't lose it.”
I stood up. “You're not losing me.”
She crawled to the edge of the bed. “Why do you have to leave?”
“Just let me clear my head.”
I went into the other room and began to gather my things. The house phone rang. Akua answered, “Hey, honey. Yeah, we miss you, too. When are you coming to see us?”
I stood at the door frowning. She mouthed. “It's my other boyfriend.”
I didn't correct her and tell her I was not her boyfriend anymore. I nodded and knew she was talking about my best friend. Maybe he received the subliminal S.O.S. that I sent out. Ripping and running up and down the road has prevented me from sharing my drama with anyone. I've been primarily figuring this out in my own head. I was too afraid that someone else would push me in the wrong direction.
After a few moments of conversing, she told me to get the phone. I stepped into the room and mouthed. “You didn't tell him anything, did you?”
She glared like it was a stupid question. I picked up, “What's up, Dawg.”
“Yo, I haven't seen you or Ku in a minute. Y'all usually come through to see a brotha.”
“Man, things have been hectic around here. I'm working like crazy. She's working like crazy.”
“I'm just as guilty as you man. Working is my middle name.”
I stepped outside of the apartment. “Yeah, I got some other drama going on around here, too.”
“Like what?”
“I'll give you the short version.”
“Go ahead.”
“You know Akua's crazy, right?”
He laughed. “That's my girl. She keeps your ass straight. That's all.”
“What would you do if you could have your ideal mate?”
He sighed. “Man, are you talking about me or talking about you?”
Between clenched teeth, I said. “Nigga, I'm talking about if you were in my shoes?”
“How do you know it's ideal? Are you checking it from afar? Or are you dealing with the person?”
“Dealing with the person.”
“Leave that shit alone. A chick that will mess with you while you got a girl, will end up leaving your ass for somebody else. That's the way that shit works.”
I frowned. “Man, that's crazy.”
“You asked me. I told you. Shit. You got a good woman. If you leave Akua, let me know.”
I laughed. He said, “I'm not playing with you. That's a diamond right there.”
“Her smart ass?”
He laughed. “Yeah, I rather have a smart ass any day than a chick that's letting any dude pop game on her and falling for it.” He paused. “I don't do those weak chicks, and a chick that's down for you while you have a girl is usually somebody you can tell anything.”
I leaned on my front door. He'd missed too much of the story and it was too hard to explain that Taylor was a strong woman with a weakness for me. He'd see what I meant once we were together. I chuckled. “Man, you got some crazy hang-ups.”
“Call it whatever you want to call it, but don't be stupid.”
“We gotta hook up.”
“Yeah, I was thinking about coming through next week.”
How could I explain all the packed boxes? “I'm coming to Maryland next week.”
“Well shit, I'll catch you down this way.”
I hung up the phone and walked in the house. Akua sat on the couch. “Did you tell him?”
“Not everything.”
“If you can't tell your friends, maybe you're not sure about your decision.”
41
TAYLOR
T
he days leading up to the move left me empty. The night before he was scheduled to move, Scooter didn't call. I figured he was packing. I sat in my house alone with my fingers crossed the entire moving day. Finally, my phone rang.
As we sped down the highway of love going 100 mph, the sound of brakes screeching pierced my ear. The phone call I wanted, but feared. I let it ring. I waited for the message that he didn't leave. Ten minutes later, he called again. I answered. He sighed, “Tay-Bae.”
My heart floated in my stomach. My intuition warned me of bad news. I took a deep breath and swallowed the last of the martini I was sipping.
He continued, “We need to talk.”
My eyes watered. The expected/unexpected was about to occur. My voice trembled, “I'm listening.”
He cleared his throat. “I still love her. And I've decided to stay.”
The last five months flashed through my mind. Then, everything went blank. As if he'd kicked me out on the highway into oncoming traffic with no warning signs, I wrapped my arms around my body to shield me from the collision. Tears poured from my eyes. The shock locked my jaws shut. My shielded heart cracked into tiny pieces, as he continued to roll the bulldozer over it back and forth.
“We were happy until I started seeing you again,” he reminded me.
Each time I would open my lips to respond, the words would disappear. He continued to stab me. “Tay-Bae, you and I were a big mistake. She loves me. I can't do this to her.”
The multiple stab wounds left me curled up in my bed, bawling like a baby. Finally, I was forced to defend myself from the attack. I yelled, “Why Scooter? Why did you wait until now? You knew you were going to stay! Why did you do this to me?”
He sighed. “Taylor, please believe me. I love you. I never meant to hurt you.”
I wailed, “Why
are
you hurting me?”
“It's even harder to hurt her.”
After he'd kicked me out on the highway and stabbed me several times, he now pointed a loaded gun at me. Before he could cock the trigger and shatter me for life, I ended the call. The only words I could think of to hurt him rapidly fled from my lips. “I hate you. I hope you have a miserable life.”
I slammed the phone in the helpless receiver. Over and over again, I slammed it, wishing Scooter could feel the effect. I released one scream. Then another. I yelled, “Why me?”
This could not be real. My olive-colored room circled around me, washing me with its dull luster. My high ceilings stared down at me. I was belittled. Humiliated. A mistress alone in my own castle. I had been robbed of my pride and dignity.
Waterfalls poured from eyes. I fiddled with the charm bracelet dangling from my wrist. Blurred visions of the future I had imagined hung from every charm. I grabbed the phone from the receiver. Then, I quickly hung up. Instead, I turned the ringer off. It was too soon to tell the world how dumb I'd been. How could I explain his actions? What could I say? Was there some way for me to share the blame? Unanswered questions. Frightening realities. My chewed-up nails clamped to my hair. I was lost. Dumbfounded.
All the warnings from people reappeared as neon signs posted on my bare wall.
THIS WON'T BE EASY
.
HE'S NOT LEAVING HER
.
BE CAREFUL
.
I HOPE YOU DON'T GET HURT
.
THESE KINDS OF SITUATIONS NEVER END PEACEFULLY
.
I resigned to hibernate until I was woman enough to acknowledge they were right. In the midst of my insanity, I chuckled. Four years ago, I had the pick of the litter. As thirty whispered softly in my ear, piss was being tossed at me from a rusty bucket. I tucked my head under my flannel sheets to cover the embarrassment.
42
SCOOTER
W
hen I opened the door to our bedroom, Taylor had packed everything. She sat on the side of the bed, staring into space. My head tilted to internalize this distorted picture. We'd been married less than a year. What was going on? I'd done everything to make her happy. I'd moved back to the DC area. Her stoned face crumbled my heart. She huffed. “This was a mistake from the start.”
I walked toward her. “What? Us?”
She nodded. Her lack of emotion resembled the same nonchalance as when we were teens. This was different. We are grown. We own a home. I knew we were having problems, but had it really come to this. My mouth hung open. “Taylor, what are you trying to say?”
“I'm going back to my townhouse.”
“What about the tenants?”
“Their lease was up two weeks ago.”
“I thought you said . . .”
As I attempted to tell her the lie she'd told me, I stopped. She had this planned all along. She never loved me. She wanted to be in a relationship and I was just the likely candidate at the time. I've always loved her more than she loved me.
As I stood before her and unscrambled my life, I tackled her. My anger controlled me as I shook her. “You ruined my life. Akua loved me. I left a good woman for you. You never loved me.”
That same premonition flashed before my eyes when I hung up the phone. It hurt me to hurt Taylor, but a piece of me knew she'd get over it. Akua sat on the bed beside me, rubbing my back. She sniffed. “Thank you,” she whispered.
I didn't respond. I stood up and headed to my car to bring in the boxes. When I came back into the apartment, I replayed the scene that led to my final decision.
Akua was on her knees at the front door. Her arms wrapped around my legs. She wailed. “Please don't leave me. Don't leave me.”
When I tried to pull away, she tugged harder. Tears flung from her eyes. Snot dripped down her nose. I turned toward her so that she wouldn't appear so desperate. When she loosened her grip, I kneeled in front of her. Obviously embarrassed by her reaction, she covered her face and shook her head. “Please.”
Her voice trembling, she said, “I love you. I need you.”
I peeled her arms from her face and wrapped mine around her neck. “Ku, baby. I thought you were okay.”
She choked on her spit. “I don't want you to leave. I need you.” She yelled, “Please! Please, don't leave me. Please don't sign that lease. Please. I need you.”
I sniffed back my own tears. My heart ached. Nothing good would come to me if I left her here like this. This is a good woman with issues. What did she ever do to me, except love me with all her heart?
She wept on my shoulder and I tried to say what I'd been trying to for the last two weeks, “It doesn't mean we're not going to be together if I move. I need to make sure this is right.”
She sobbed. “It is right. She doesn't love you like I love you. I'll do anything.”
On her knees, she pleaded. Watching this soldier disarm before me robbed me of my strength. No woman has ever loved me this much. As I held her in my arms, I surrendered. “I'll stay, baby. I'll stay. I love you, too.”
I wiped her face. Exhausted from her battle, she stretched out on the floor. I lay beside her and wondered how and when I would conjure up the nerve to tell Taylor my decision. It took me seven hours to do it, but it was over now. I knew she hated me, but as I watched Akua unpack boxes as I fast as I could bring them in, I knew Taylor could never love me the way Akua does.

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