Tapestry (40 page)

She was doing it again.
Enamoured, entranced, had fallen for
. Never
loved
. Winifred had nailed her on it; even Robin had remarked that she never spoke of love in connection with Will. Her heart was pounding, but from anxiety at being found out for the impostor she felt sure she’d become.

Did she belong here? Or did she belong in 1716? Who was she?

‘Come on, Will,’ Ellen was saying as she shook him gently. ‘You have a very special visitor.’

Jane felt redundant. She stood at the end of his bed and gripped the railing, watched him run his tongue over his lips as he surfaced from his doze. He gave a soft groan.

‘Lovely Ellen. I think I have to marry you,’ he mumbled drowsily to his nurse, not opening his eyes. Ellen smiled adoringly at him before sending her an apologetic look.

‘All normal,’ Evans assured her. ‘Sleep heals. He’s going to feel drowsy for a while yet.’ Jane nodded her understanding. ‘Yesterday he was lucid for about twenty minutes. This morning for ten. Every day will be different.’ He shrugged. ‘I’m afraid it’s not maths. Will is going to come back to us in his time frame, not ours, but he is definitely present and with us again. That’s the main thing.’

Ellen glanced her way. ‘You try, Jane. It’s your voice he needs to hear. We’re hoping that you, of all people, are the one who will really bring him back into himself.’

She disguised her reluctance by forcing herself to replace Ellen at Will’s side. And finally she was confronted by the biggest question of all.

Is this what you want, Jane?

Who asked that? It sounded like Robin, but she was probably going slowly mad, tormenting herself like this. Why was she second-guessing her actions, her motives?
Look what you’ve done to be here!
she yelled at herself.
This must be what you really want, or why would you have gone through that harrowing experience?
Yet her alter ego, or whichever other voice was doing battle inside her, was equally insistent.
Be honest. Tell him!

‘Try, Jane,’ Dr Evans urged. ‘Let him hear your voice.’

She cleared her throat, realising her cheeks were wet from her tears. ‘Will …’ she began hesitantly. Ellen had joined Dr
Evans at the foot of the bed and both of them were smiling encouragement, nodding that she keep going. ‘Hey, Will,’ she tried again, wiping her cheek. ‘It’s me, Jane. I’ve missed you. Come on, wake up fully for me.’

Will stirred, eyes blinking but not opening fully. He croaked a response, but she didn’t catch any words. She glanced at Ellen.

‘Normal,’ Ellen repeated gently, hands pressing the air in a reassuring gesture. ‘Go for it, Jane.’

She touched him. He was warm through his hospital gown. She remembered this shoulder beneath her fingers, knew the gnarls and indents well and exactly how the flesh covered them. She was familiar with a silvery scar just where her thumb was placed; that was when he’d fallen while mountain climbing, and she knew this was the same shoulder that ached a bit in winter, because it had been broken during the same fall in the Rockies.

‘Will, wake up!’ She shook him gently. ‘It’s Jane. I’m here. Everyone is!’ She glanced at Ellen; knew what the nurse thought she should be saying. She took a breath and leaned close to him. ‘I love you, darling.’ It sounded as feigned to her ears as she knew it was in her heart. She swallowed her shame, but she realised no one else in the room had heard the false ring in her tone, least of all Will, whose eyes opened.

He blinked a few times.

‘There he is,’ Ellen said. Jane had always wondered why hospital staff spoke inordinately loudly, but she realised now they were trying to get a patient to focus, or to impress something upon the patient’s loved ones. ‘Morning, Will,’ she said brightly, coming around to the other side of his bed to give him a solid shake.

He was properly awake now, rubbing his eyes. ‘Hi, Ellen.’

‘There,’ Ellen said, and pointed Jane to the plastic beaker on his small bedside cabinet. ‘Give him a drink,’ she urged. ‘Drink up, Will. You need fluids.’

Jane obliged, reaching for the beaker, which had a plastic straw embedded into the lid. Evans helped Will to raise his head, while Jane put the straw to her fiancé’s lips and nodded with a smile. He sipped, bright blue eyes fixed on her. She’d forgotten how most women melted beneath his gaze, which had an underlying innocence to it. That look impaled her now, as he sucked on the straw.

She smiled, at last feeling some of the tension fall away. Lovely Will. She knew how much he loved her. She knew that nothing mattered more to him than for them to be married, starting a shared life with a shared name and a shared passion to have a family.

‘I’ve got enough love for both of us,’ he’d quipped when he first popped the marriage question, and she’d looked at him, made a bit uncomfortable by the speed at which he was moving. ‘I promise. You do love me, you just haven’t caught up with it yet. I’m well ahead of you, darling. I know our love is the sort that inspires poetry and stories.’

She’d laughed at that. He’d always been able to make her smile, and humour made it easy to love someone, didn’t it?

‘I’m struggling for what to say,’ Jane confessed to him. ‘I thought we’d lost you. I went to Ayers Rock for you, Will. I knew it would bring you back to me. The ley lines … I have so much to tell you,’ she said, breaking her promise not to refer to her adventure and then pulling back from any talk of magic and spiritual awareness. She couldn’t imagine how it would sound to the man of science and the down-to-earth nurse on the other side of the bed.

‘Ayers Rock?’ he mumbled, the straw gripped between his neat teeth.

She nodded, giving a watery smile as the wretched tears betrayed her again. ‘Yes.’ She laughed. ‘I was gripped by your magical madness.’ She saw his puzzlement. ‘Anyway, you’re back, and so am I.’

Will sighed and lowered the beaker to clutch it loosely in his hands. He blinked and frowned slightly. ‘Er … sorry. Who are you, again?’

Jane’s breath caught and her mouth opened a little. ‘Um …’ She threw a look at Ellen, who didn’t return it. Ellen’s gaze was fixed on Will. Evans was pulling at his beard, pondering, but not giving Jane eye contact either.

‘I should know you, shouldn’t I?’ Will said, his expression regretful.

She swallowed, but nothing went down. Her throat felt parched. ‘It’s me, Will.’

Shame ghosted across his features, momentarily reordering their perfect arrangement. ‘I’m sorry. Dr Evans said it was a head injury and things might be blurry. Did you say your name is Jane?’

She nodded, stunned.

He frowned and, like a child might, he seemed to strain to think about this name. ‘There’s nothing.’ He shrugged. ‘I don’t know you. I mean, I obviously should …’ He looked distraught. ‘But I don’t know you from a stranger on the street. I’m totally in love with Ellen, though.’ He grinned, his sentiments boyish, meant to be fun. He could have no idea how this hurt.

It sounded so harsh, said like that. She sat back and the shock of his words made it feel as though she were collapsing from the inside out.

‘We were getting married,’ she strained to say. It came out as a choked whisper.

‘No.’ He looked shocked. ‘I … I … don’t know about that,’ he added, contrite. ‘I’m so sorry, I don’t remember.’ His distress intensified. He began to shake his head, looking at the doctor and Ellen for help. His blue eyes puddled into pools of anxiety and he held his head in the long, splayed fingers she remembered caressing her, teasing her. How could he have forgotten? ‘I’ve been trying through the night, but I really can’t remember much since university days.’

‘What?’ Jane couldn’t help herself.

‘Don’t push it, Will,’ Evans soothed. ‘Memory is a fickle thing. Your brain is healing. There is every likelihood that getting back all those memories could take a little while.’ He glanced at Ellen and Jane knew some unspoken signal passed between them.

‘Are my parents waiting?’ Will asked, his anxious gaze trying to avoid Jane’s mask-like expression.

‘Yes, sweetheart,’ Ellen said. ‘Would you like me to bring them in?’

He nodded. ‘Just them.’

Ellen sent Jane a look of deep sympathy. She came around the bed to squeeze her shoulder. Nothing was said.

‘Do you want me to go?’ Jane said to him, an edge in her voice. She knew it was wrong to bully, but until now her thoughts had been occupied with her return and her confusion had been about whether she wanted to go back to all that was familiar. It had never occurred to her that someone might take that away from her — least of all Will.

He shifted his glance back to her at last and she saw deep pain reflected in it. ‘I am so sorry. You’re very beautiful, but I’m a bit lost.’ He frowned. ‘I don’t think I’m the sort of person who would pretend.’

‘You’re not that sort of person,’ she replied. ‘Your total honesty used to make me uncomfortable sometimes.’ They smiled sadly at each other. ‘You loved me enough for both of us.’

He stared back at her and shook his head. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘I am too,’ she said gently, clearing her throat before she stood and kissed him lightly on the forehead as one might a child. ‘Be well, Will. I’ll send in your parents.’

He caught her hand. ‘Jane?’

She raised her gaze to meet his.

‘You said something about ley lines. I’m really interested in them. In fact, I’m sure I’m interested in Earth vortices.’

‘I know you are,’ she said, stroking his hand. ‘You’re also quite a well-known geophysicist and geologist.’ He stared at her with a slight hint of amazement in his eyes. His expression was warming now that they were off the sticky subject of not knowing her from the hospital cleaner. ‘You have a quirky take on earth formations.’ Jane smiled. ‘I think you’ve always seriously wanted to explore the spiritual connection that exists between the old straight tracks and the great Earth vortices.’

‘I do,’ he said, letting out his breath with a sigh. ‘At least I think I do.’ He chuckled and they swapped a glance of regret. ‘I read about the ley lines in a
National Geographic
when I was a child. I think I’ve always wanted to accept that they held a sort of … magic, but no one else would believe me.’

‘I would,’ Jane said, and, without wondering whether to do so or not, bent down and let her lips brush his tenderly. ‘Goodbye, Will.’

He squeezed her hand. ‘Thank you for understanding, Jane. Maybe in the future …?’

‘Maybe not,’ she said gently. ‘Don’t feel bad. It’s changed both of us.’

Ellen was back with Will’s parents in tow and Diane was already leaking tears; perhaps the nurse had told her of the disastrous reunion. John gave her a look of sorrow.

‘He needs time,’ he murmured to Jane as they passed each other. She nodded, putting on a brave smile.

In the anteroom her parents opened their arms again to hug her and commiserate. She knew her soul-searching was only just beginning.

J
ane’s parents returned to Wales for the week, promising to come back the next weekend, but both their daughters remained in London. Jane insisted on checking back into the hotel where she and Will had been staying, but she surprised everyone by making no effort to go to the hospital, instead giving Will the space that Dr Evans felt might be wise. She spent the days following that terrible afternoon of realisation being shuffled around by Juliette.

Her sister planned peaceful day trips to galleries, museums, Kew Gardens … anything that would distract Jane, but not allow London to crowd her. They avoided the Underground, took taxis everywhere, ate picnics in the park and went to bed early, drifting off to reruns of old sitcoms. They ate in unpopular restaurants, frequented out-of-the-way cafés, and roamed the top floors of Liberty and Hamleys, John Lewis and Selfridges. But the girls were not buying, just killing time.

Killing time.
Is this how it’s going to be?
Jane wondered, as she watched Juliette choose the food for a picnic lunch from the fridges of Marks & Spencer.

‘Ham and salad roll?’ Juliette held it up.

Jane shrugged. ‘Fine.’

‘Okay, let’s find some non-alcoholic cider to go with it,’ her sister said, leading the way to the beverage section.

Jane followed dutifully, killing time … killing her thoughts … killing her chance.

She blinked as Juliette considered the soft drinks.

What chance?

‘No apple fizz,’ Jane heard her sister mutter. ‘How about boring mineral water?’ She didn’t wait for Jane’s response, but put a bottle in the basket and pointed to the biscuit aisle. ‘Chocolate biscuits — a must.’

Jane didn’t answer. She’d have preferred fruit, but really it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered any more. That was the real problem for her. She was numb and she didn’t care about anything. Not even making Will love her.

Hadn’t she really come home to prove to herself she didn’t love him? Yet he’d beaten her to it and reversed the situation. It was a relief, but it also hurt. Now what?

As they queued, she fixed Juliette with a stare. ‘I can’t make him love me again,’ she said.

‘What?’ Juliette pursed her lips as she understood. ‘Jane, it’s barely been a week. Give him a chance.’

‘Why? Why force what’s not there?’

‘You don’t know it’s not there.’

‘There’s a saying I heard in Australia: not knowing someone from a bar of soap. I’m the bar of soap, Juliette. And he doesn’t even know which brand! He likes the nurse, Ellen, more than me. I don’t blame him or her, I’m just saying …’

‘Two pounds forty, please,’ said the girl behind the counter.

Juliette handed over a five-pound note and the girl passed her the change and gave Jane a plastic bag with their lunch inside.

Juliette bundled Jane out of the store. ‘You’ve got to stop this.’

‘Stop what? It’s everyone else who has to stop. Will doesn’t know me. I’m a stranger. And frankly, I get it. He feels like a stranger to me too.’

‘Jane, don’t go there. You haven’t given him a fair chance.’

‘To remember me?’

‘Of course to remember you.’

‘And then what?’

Now Juliette looked at her as though she were dim.

‘Do you think we just slip back into being Will and Jane?’ she continued.

‘Why not?’

‘Because it’s not going to be like that, Jules. Damage has been done. Even I don’t feel the same. And if Will came back to me now, I would be the one hesitating.’

‘You were always the one hesitating!’ Juliette accused.

Jane looked around but no one seemed to care about the two women arguing softly in Covent Garden.

‘Listen,’ Jane began, ‘I haven’t told you or Mum and Dad yet, but I spoke to John Maxwell on the phone last night.’ Juliette’s gaze narrowed. ‘Will wants to go back to America. Ellen is going with them as his private nurse for a while.’

‘Oh, that’s just John —’

‘No, it’s not just John. This was Will’s decision. John and Diane are as distraught as our parents over it all, but obviously they want to do what’s best for their son. I think it’s the right decision.’

‘So you’re just going to let him go?’ her sister asked, incredulous.

‘What do you want me to do?’

‘Fight for him.’

She shook her head, knowing how much she already had fought to keep Will alive — not that anyone in this life would ever understand. ‘He doesn’t know me. And Juliette, he never knew that I didn’t love him enough.’

Juliette’s mouth opened like a fish ripped from its pond and struggling for air. ‘You’re crazy. Crazy with grief, Jane. You’re not making sense.’

‘I am. I’m seeing everything so clearly. It was Will’s love that kept us together. I’d never known what it is to be made breathless by someone, until …’

‘Until …?’

Jane panicked. ‘I mean, until now I didn’t realise that he never did make my heart pound, or my breath catch.’

‘Jane, stop this. Will is such a gorgeous guy. Everyone loves him.’

‘Everyone, but me. I love him, but not in the way I should. Not in the way that makes me want to give my life for him.’

‘Now you’re being dramatic. No one gives their lives for —’

‘They do. There are women who would risk their lives for the man they love.’

‘Only in movies and books.’

Jane shrugged. She knew better. ‘Nevertheless, that’s the love I want. I want his kiss to make me see stars, I want to never be apart, I want to know that I have so much love for him that I can’t live without him. I don’t have that with Will, Juliette; I never did. But because I was lonely, or insecure, or just bored with not having someone special, or fearful of being left on the shelf, I thought
his
devotion was enough. Will, bless him, loved me just as I’ve described … but now he has nothing to give and we have nowhere to hide. Don’t you see? Will deserves better than me for a wife — he deserves to be adored. He’s brilliant and funny and ridiculously handsome. The stars have fortuitously aligned to give me a chance not to make a big mistake. To save us both from me.’

Juliette threw her hands in the air. ‘You really did go bonkers while you were in Australia! You’re making me angry listening to you.’

Jane smiled sadly. ‘I’ve always made you angry.’

‘What are you going to do?’

‘I’m going to Scotland.’

‘Oh, come on. Jane —’

She handed her sister the picnic supplies. ‘I’ll ring Mum and Dad from King’s Cross Station.’

‘But why are you going?’

‘There’s someone I have to see.’

‘Jane, please …’

But she’d already moved away. She blew a kiss to Juliette before turning and disappearing into the throng of Covent Garden, without giving herself a chance to consider the madness of this spontaneous decision.

She ended up ringing her family from a pub in Perthshire and tried to explain, over the tears of her mother, that she was searching for something important.

‘But what, darling?’

‘I can’t explain it, Mum. But I know when I find it, I’ll be happy.’

‘Oh, Jane. I don’t know what happened to you on that Australian rock and I don’t know why this has happened to Will, but I wish you would come home and just let us look after you.’ Catelyn had dissolved into a flood of tears and Hugh, who had been listening in on the other phone, took up the conversation.

‘Jane, it’s Dad.’

‘Dad, please try to understand. I have to do this.’

‘What, though? We don’t know what it is that you’ve gone off to do.’

‘I’m searching history,’ she said bluntly. ‘It’s a project I’m doing. There’s someone I have to hunt down.’

‘Oh? Well, why didn’t you say so.’ He turned away to address her mother. ‘She’s doing a research project.’ Jane heard muffled voices. ‘I don’t know,’ her father answered distantly. ‘Probably an extension of her degree. She spoke a while back about doing some more study.’ He returned to her. ‘So you’re studying in Scotland, is that right?’

‘Sort of. I’m starting here, at least.’

‘Well, how long will you be gone?’

‘I don’t know, Dad.’

‘All right. That sounds vague, but so long as you’re keeping occupied. I’d hate to think you were lonely or depressed.’

‘The opposite, Dad. It’s giving me purpose.’

‘Well, good. Let us know what you need.’

‘Is Juliette there?’

‘Yes, hang on.’

‘Mum, are you there?’

‘Yes?’

‘Let me talk to Juliette alone.’

Her sister’s voice finally arrived. ‘Jane?’

‘Are they both off the phone?’

‘Yes. What the hell is going on?’

She fed the phone with another pile of coins she’d had ready in a neat stack. ‘Jules, I’m going away for a while. Listen … I know this sounds crazy, but can you remember a name for me?’

‘Which name?’

‘Sackville. Julius Sackville. Born 1680. Look him up sometime.’

‘What am I looking for?’

‘Nothing in particular.
Just remember the name
. And if you get curious, look him up.’

‘You know, you’re making very little sense. In fact, we’re worried for you all over again.’ She knew the tone in her sister’s voice, knew Juliette wanted to accuse her of being unfair, seeking attention.

‘Promise me.’

‘Julian —’

‘Julius!’

‘Julius Sackville. All right! Got it. 1680. I’ve written it down. Satisfied? When will we hear from you?’

‘Not sure. And Jules …’

‘What?’

‘I’m not going mad. I’m not depressed or suicidal. Quite the reverse. And I love you.’

‘Wow … are you taking drugs?’

Jane laughed. ‘Love is a drug,’ she said.

The quip immediately eased the tension and she heard Juliette laugh. ‘Call us.’

Jane put the phone down, smiling. She felt better in this moment than she had expected to, but maybe that was because only she knew it was goodbye.