Tangled in a Web of Lies (8 page)

“Keep your eyes closed,” he tells her, unwilling to have her watch while he does this unspeakable thing.

The feeling that possesses him as he slides into her is empowering, hot and sinful all at the same time. How can anything this wrong feel so good? Slowly, he moves her up and down, fixing his eyes on her breasts. For a moment the world around him vanishes. His mind plays tricks on him, allowing him to feel the pleasure without the guilt. She’s quiet, making it easy to convince himself that this is consensual, even if just in this moment.

It doesn’t last long, the control of an adolescent boy usually doesn’t. He can feel himself about to burst, when from the corner of his eye, he sees his father, walking toward them with a red hot branding iron. His pulse quickens, and his conscience tells him to pull out, but the survivalist inside him, mixed with all the feelings of sexual arousal hold him in place. He moves forward, pushing into her on the verge of losing control.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

She screams violently as she’s seared with a smoldering ‘X’ on her buttock. Every muscle inside her tightens and she pushes into him, trying desperately to get away from the iron. It’s his shameful undoing. Against his own will we spills himself into her, trembling with fear, horror, shame and yet an undeniable sense of sexual fulfillment.

The old man pats him on the shoulder, “You make me proud, son.” His words bring an overwhelmingly sick feeling to Odin’s gut. He places the girl back on her toes, as he hurries to tuck himself back into his pants. In a daze he staggers back to where he left the bottle of whisky on the floor. Lifting it up, he polishes of the bottle, trying to wash away his sins while his father forces the girl back into the wooden crate, after plugging her mouth with a gag.

“Think I’ve had enough fun with this one,” says the old man, walking back toward the tool shed. The overpowering urge to throw up grips Odin as he watches his father emerge with a red container of fuel. He fights it off, desperate to keep his composure for fear his father will kill him if he resists.

“Gimme a hand,” he says, making Odin help him push the wooden crate into the middle of the barn where the straw is all moved away, exposing the cement foundation. Odin pushes the crate forward, and watches in horror as his father douses it in butane sets Laura on fire.

Her muffled cries can barely be heard under the sounds of the box warping and crippling under the flame. Odin feels all shreds of his innocents die and in their place, a sickness fueled by anger takes seed.

Odin wakes from his drunken sleep enraged and in a panic. He hurls what is left of his bottle of whiskey at the wall, where is shatters into pieces.

It’s no wonder Lila doesn’t want him. He’s tainted in ways no woman will ever be able to understand. And yet she did, and she’d comforted him when his demons got the better of him, as they are now.

I love you.

Her soft lips uttering these words to him are imprinted in his head, the only thing that keeps him now from going crazy. He can’t survive this life without her. These demons will kill him eventually.

He picks up a shard of glass from the floor and digs it into his arm, desperate for the physical pain to outweigh the hurt he feels inside.

Friday morning I wake up before the sun does, something I don’t usually do. I lie awake, gazing at a light purple sky outside my window thinking about the time Odin and I woke up together after camping.

He let me into his heart, showing me his inner demons. The saddest part was he expected me to be horrified. That night, I felt closer to him than ever before. We’d fallen asleep under the stars in the back of his truck, naked under a sea of blankets staring up at the moon.

I feel like I would move heaven and earth to be there again, to be able to have moments like that with Odin again. Without him I feel broken.

I can’t go back to sleep, but I don’t really have the motivation to get up. I lie awake for hours, watching as the sun comes up and shines on my bedroom walls. It’s pretty fucking sad when even the idea of driving to the beach to lie in the sun on my day off, still isn’t enough to pull me out of bed.

After a few grueling hours of wallowing in my own loneliness, I bury my head in my pillows and fall back asleep.

Cowboys from Hell
is playing over and over again. Finally the persistent noise pulls me out of my sleep. My room is too bright to really open my eyes, I fish blindly around my nightstand trying to find it, knowing it’s Odin calling from the ringtone.

It stops ringing just as I grab it. I find I have 4 missed calls from him already.
Shit!
What does he want? What has he found out? The phone starts buzzing in my hand, the intro to Odin’s favorite Pantera song picking up again. My heart races, and instinctively I answer.

“Hello?”

“
Were you sleeping?”

“Don’t judge me.” I glance at my phone to see that it’s only 10:30 in the morning.

“
You wor
k
today?
”

I can tell he’s nervous about asking me something.

“No.”

“
Do you have plans?
”

“Not exactly.” I was planning on going to a group therapy meeting, if I made it out of bed.

“
I was thinking about going for a ride on the bike, clearing my head, cutting lose. Maybe headin’ up to Reyes Creek Bar and Grill in Scheideck , just to get away for the day. I was hoping you might wanna join me. It doesn’t have to be a date. Just me, you and the open road. What do you say?
”

Hugging Odin for the 4 hours it will take to get to Reyes Creek, and hitting high speeds on his chopper way up in the mountains, sounds better than any group therapy meeting. I’m sure he’ll want to talk at the bar over lunch, but other than that, the ride will be quiet. Well, other than the roaring engine of his bike.

“Sounds great.”

There’s a sigh of relief when he hears me agree.

“
I’ll be right over.
” I can sense the smile in his voice.

“Give me a few, I need to take a shower.”

“
Okay. See you soon,
” he says before he hangs up. Then magically, I have all the energy in the world, and I spring out of bed to get in the shower.

I pull on my favorite black riding jeans. Their riders by Lea and the waist stretches which is nice when you’re sitting on a bike for hours. They’re a lot tighter than I remember them being, and not as comfortable, but my butt fills them out nicely. I pull on a red tank top, and my Bandit’s hoodie. This will be the first time in almost 2 months that I’ve worn it. I pull on my leather jacket, knowing it will be cold on the ride home.

My helmet is still in a box in the garage. I knew I couldn’t look at it without getting depressed, and I’m almost busting at the seams to pull it out and use it.

Odin knocks on the door just as I’m putting my make up on. I hurry to finish up and let him inside. But when I open the door, my heart stops. He’s white as a ghost, and the dark circles under his eyes are darker than before. The pain inside him has never been more apparent than it is the moment I lay my eyes on him. Instinctively I lean forward and give him a hug, hoping to ease the hurt in him with affection, knowing that it’s all my fault.

He hugs me back, rocking me for a quiet moment.

“You ready to go?” I ask with my arms still wrapped around him. His hand rests gently on my head, cradling it. I miss being held like this.

“Yeah.” His voice is quiet.

I walk back inside to grab my helmet, and lock the door on my way out. Odin is sitting on the chopper. He already has it running, waiting for me. I get the best sense of excitement as I hoist my leg over the back, and climb on behind him. The engine revs, and we’re off.

I casually rest my hands on his hips while we make our way through town, leaning back on my seat. But once we hit the highway, and speeds of 75 miles an hour, I wrap my arms around him, laying my face on his back. The sound of the motor rattles in my helmet, one of the best noises known to man. I close my eyes, trusting Odin with my life as he passes through traffic, and leads our way toward Reyes Creek.

Once we pass Ojai, we make our way up the Maricopa Highway, gaining altitude as we wind up the mountain side. It’s beautiful out here. As I lean into Odin’s back, I find myself wishing this trip would go on forever.  Being this close to him feels right. My head may be a fucked up mess of thoughts and emotions, but my body runs on pure instinct. That instinct, knows Odin is my other half and it’s been struggling for weeks trying to figure out how to function right without him.

As I watch the scenery of the mountains pass by, I wonder for the hundredth time if there is any way to work things out between us, a way that we can be together despite all that’s happened. But it’s hopeless. We could never thrive with me hiding this terrible secret from him. Him being an overprotective control freak, I know it would devastate him beyond on all reason if he ever found out the truth behind me leaving.

I wouldn’t be able to play out his dark fantasies anymore. Not without having some sort of panic attack, or huge freak out. Then he’d realize something was up, and it would be a huge disaster. Knowing that I can’t do the things he wants, leaves me feeling inadequate and damaged. I can’t fight the tears that begin to slip from my eyes inside my helmet. I tighten my grip on Odin, trying to will away my sorrows, and concentrate more on him.

To my surprise, Odin takes one hand and uses it to hold my arms that are wrapped around his waist. I take deep breaths. Closing my eyes again, I take comfort in just being here with him now, in this perfect moment. But soon, we reach Reyes Creek Bar and Grill.

I excuse myself for a moment, heading off to use their outdoor bathroom. I’m careful to leave my helmet on until I’m out of his sight, knowing I probably have mascara half way down my cheeks. I pull myself together in a hurry, then meet Odin inside.

It’s been a couple years since I’ve been here, but nothing has changed. Dollar bills, signed by the many patrons this bar has had over the years are tacked all over the walls. Also creating a backwoods ambiance is the numerous trucker hats hanging from the ceiling behind the bar, the many cattle brands burned into the wood tables, and of course the novelty pair of men’s whitey tighty underwear, that have collected years worth of dust on the ceiling.

“It’s been forever since I’ve been up here,” I tell Odin, tossing my helmet and coat in the booth across from him and taking a seat.

A hefty looking man in basketball shorts and flip flops comes to take our order. I love the casual way of things out here in the middle of nowhere. I order a Shirley Temple, and a hamburger with a side of fried Zucchini. Odin gets chili cheese fries and a beer, and the nice gentleman in the flip flops tells us it will be up shortly.

“How are things at the Elk Lodge?” Odin makes a nice attempt at small talk.

“Good. I started bar tending which is really awesome. I just about know how to make all the drinks, and it’s less work than serving, plus I get to keep all my tips.”

“I bet there are customers that come in just to see you,” he compliments me, and I blush a little.

“What about you? How’s work?”

Odin’s blue eyes give him away. I know it hasn’t been going well for him, but I shrug my shoulders and let him tell me about it anyway.

“It’s hard not having anyone to come home to. After work I go into the band room, play the blues for a few hours. It’s amazing the songs you come up with when you feel empty inside. It’s like I finally know what Johnny Cash meant when he wrote the song Hurt.”

Odin has no idea, but every time I’m forced to feel his pain, it breaks away my sanity a little bit more. Soon I will have no emotions left, just an empty shell where my heart used to be.

“It’s not about the sex. There’s plenty of club pussy all over this town, but it’s not the same as having a woman at home. I miss you, all the time.” His cold blue eyes are practically begging me to take away the hurt.

I reach across the table to grab his hand. I just want to be close to him. My thumb slips under the sleeve of his hoodie, and I feel the unmistakable fresh cut on his arm. He just stares at me, like he wants me to know the pain I’ve caused and I don’t blame him.

I’m destroying him. Nothing I can do or say is going to make this any better. If I thought the truth would solve anything I’d give it to him, but I know it will only make everything worse.

It’s quiet as we pick at our food. It would be delicious, if I didn’t have the awful taste of guilt poisoning everything inside me.

“I noticed, you never took my necklace off,” he says, startling me. I never could bring myself to take it off. I clutch the pendant in my hand.

“I like it.” It’s given me a small sense of belonging this past month. “But you can have it back if you want.”

“I know there’s something you’re not telling me. I can feel it.”

I try to remain calm, but inside my heart starts pounding. He knows I’m avoiding his gaze. I can feel him in my head.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Bullshit, Lila. I know you, something’s not right.”

I knew us spending time alone was a bad idea. Here I just couldn’t resist the ride. Classic ongoing mistake. I take a drink of my soda before my eyes finally meet his. My breath stops short, my heart skipping a beat in my chest.

“Did you mean what you said that night before I left for Chicago?” Odin asks me point blank.

I can’t tear my eyes away from his. That night I told him I loved him. I’d loved him for months before that, since he’d stolen me away from Jaime. But it had taken me an entire summer to work up the courage to say the words to him. Rather than give him an answer, and incapable of lying to his face, I turn this back on him.

“What does it matter? You didn’t say it back.” It always hurt me a little that he’d never said it back.

“I didn’t realize I had to. Would it have made anything different?”

I bite my lip, trying desperately not to cry in front of him as I shake my head no. I can’t keep falling apart on him.

“I didn’t think so.” Odin pushes aside his food and finishes his beer. He pays our check, and politely waits while I sip back the rest of my Shirley Temple. I can feel his eyes watching my every move, trying to figure out what it is I’m hiding. I pull my jacket back on, and scoot out of the booth. Polite as always, Odin holds the door for me. As I walk back toward his bike, I stuff my hair back inside my helmet.

He climbs back on the chopper and starts it up, then braces his feet on the ground while I take my seat behind him. Once his skull cap is buckled in place, he revs the engine, and we take off.

We head back down the mountain, the sun setting over the ridges as we ride on toward Santa Monica again. Like before, Odin drives with one hand, using the other to gently stroke his thumb over my hands that are braced around him. I hold him tighter, closing my eyes and being in the moment. The pull he has on me is so intense, I know he feels it too, it’s undeniable. Odin releases my hand, reaching beside him he strokes my leg. Sparks fly though me, awakening desires I haven’t felt since the last time we made love. For the first time in a long time, I crave sex.

I moan, unsure if he can hear me through my helmet, over the sound of his bike. Desire pushes me to do the unthinkable, my hand starts massaging his cock through his pants. With my body pressed against his back, I feel him growl in his chest. I feel him getting hard, and he continues rubbing my thigh, stirring my untamed need for him.

I used to have this voice that I called reason in the back of my head, trying to keep me safe and pushing me to do the right thing. I know right now, she’d be telling me that this is dangerous, and I should back off. But she’s not. She’s quiet. She’s gone.