Talk to Strangers: How Everyday, Random Encounters Can Expand Your Business, Career, Income, and Life (16 page)

In terms of content, men tend to be problem solvers, so a conversation that provides resolutions to problems works well. Focusing on a business issue or challenge you think he might have and posing a potential solution is very likely to get a male’s attention. However, emotional appeals aren’t going to be as effective. In most men’s minds, logic is going to win out over feelings.

There are other dos and don’ts. Do smile, sound confident, and make eye contact (but not too much). If you want to be treated as an equal, act like one. It’s not enough just to know your stuff. You have to show your stuff (and I don’t mean cleavage!). I mean your competence. Men do this without thought—with bravado, even. Women, on the other hand, tend to be understated, something we’ve been taught and therefore something we think is appropriate. But you can’t hide behind humility when you’re attempting to professionally connect with someone. Showing that you mean business—and why—will increase your chances of turning an encounter into a profitable business opportunity.

Q. What are the biggest mistakes women make in attempting to random connect with men?

A. Women in the professional world are in a challenging position. We know from research, for example, that the more attractive you make yourself, the more likely you’ll achieve success (something that’s true for both men and women, by the way). So, on the one hand, women may try to optimize their attractiveness, yet at the same time, they have to not invite too much attention for their looks.

But I think women
should
play up their physical assets. By that I mean they should dress in a flattering way, wear stylish haircuts, and use makeup that enhances. Men and women are drawn to visual cues; therefore, it’s all the better for both sexes to be visually attractive. But while being attractive is an asset, it alone is clearly not enough. You also need substance.

Mostly this requires that women keep in mind how men see the world. Remember, they like the bottom line, and they prefer to be direct. So don’t allow the conversation to meander. Keep the interaction focused and on point. Chitchat is fine to a degree, but talking with a man and keeping him focused on the topic at hand requires different communication techniques than when talking with another woman.

Q. How should a woman respond when she’s trying to make a random connection with a man who keeps trying to make it more personal than the woman wants?

A. Almost every woman has found herself in this position at one time or another. Fortunately, their social radar is so finely attuned to this that they usually pick up cues from a mile away, and before things go too far. In some ways, dealing with this type of situation requires the same skills necessary in dealing with children who want something they can’t have. In short, you must redirect the conversation.

If a man asks personal questions that make a woman uncomfortable, the woman should gently guide the conversation back to where it belongs. Or do like politicians do and just ignore the question; answer instead with a topic that you want to address. Sometimes, a man will railroad over these maneuvers; in that case, a woman will have to be blunter and say, “I’d prefer to discuss how my product might help your business” or “My flight is about to board, so I’d really rather use the time we have left to talk about your company and how I might be able to help it.” That overt, clear redirection of the conversation will set an unmistakable boundary and keep things on a professional level.

Q. Is there a place for flirting in making random encounters when the goal is purely business related?

A. No, at least not if you intend to have an interaction that leads to a business relationship. Does that mean conversations never take on a “flirty” tone? No, it doesn’t. In fact, some people come across that way thinking it’s to their advantage. But flirtatiousness is not appropriate for professionals of either gender who are seeking business connections. It is far more likely to work against the person. Sure, we should all use our natural attributes to our advantage—a good sense of humor, a witty mind, a great smile—to help advance the connection. But that doesn’t include sex appeal. It all comes down to what you want from the connection.

If it’s purely business, it should be kept that way. If there’s an undeniable personal chemistry that spills over, it’s up to both parties to decide what to do about it. But if you want to be respected for your professional abilities, and if you want to keep the new connection going toward a profitable business relationship, the key is to understand the difference between how men and women see and communicate about the world, and to use that insight to expand your professional opportunities.

SECTION V

Mastery Insights and the
Talk to Strangers Mastery Program

So far you have learned about what kind of attitudes and skills it takes to turn everyday travels into big opportunities to expand your business, career, income, and life. Yet as with every skill, there is a level of mastery at which one is able to demonstrate the skills with great proficiency, leading to more success than when one is just beginning. Webster’s dictionary defines
mastery
as “possession or display of great skill.” When it comes to random connecting,
mastery
translates into random encounters that generate greater results faster—and with more ease.

Of course, the definition of achieving a great result depends on what you’re going for, but the difference between a master random connector and someone who has just average ability is that the master will get the name of a higher level influencer when seeking a contact from the new acquaintance. If attempting to sell a product, the master connector is likely to make a bigger deal. If seeking an investor, the amount of the investment will be larger, and if selling consulting services, the scope of the engagement will be broader.

In addition, a master random connector will achieve all of these results faster than an average one. The master will identify the opportunity more quickly, begin the conversation about it earlier, and seal the deal more often—and do it all with greater ease. There’s more to random connecting mastery, so read on and challenge yourself to achieve excellence.

Mastery in any skill or topic typically occurs at an unconscious level; in other words, you’re so good at something you don’t even know how you got to be so good. You do it without trying or conscious awareness; it’s simply become second nature. Some might think of mastery as a form of honed intuition that comes with a sense of mindlessness. Being able to do things at a high level of competency without having to try very hard is the level we all want to realize in terms of the skills that are important to us.

However, reaching that level of capability clearly doesn’t happen overnight; it takes time and effort to achieve. There is an old story of the tourist walking in Manhattan who stops a man on the street and asks, “Excuse me, but do you know how to get to Carnegie Hall?” to which the man responds, “Practice, practice, practice!” The same is true for mastering your random connecting skills. By practicing—sometimes getting it right, sometimes getting it wrong and adjusting your technique accordingly—you will eventually reach the level where you are making new connections all the time, a higher percentage of which are with influential people. In addition, you are leveraging your new connections into life-changing outcomes more frequently and predictably.

This section will show you what random connecting mastery represents for you, why it’s worth mastering, and how you can achieve that degree of proficiency so that you can draw upon and demonstrate it at any time.

Mastery Point 1: You Live—Really
Live
—the Four Beliefs of Successful Random Connectors

Opportunities don’t come to those who wait; they come to those who
create
them. Your ability to expand your world through new people and possibilities comes through the mind-set you carry with you wherever you go. The foundation of all the other skills and behaviors of random connecting is in your ability to embrace these four tenets, integrate them into your unconscious mind, and act from them in your daily encounters. When you truly believe in your bones that the world is a friendly place—that you can meet anyone, that everyone you meet has value to you, and that you have value to everyone you meet—all the other skills will fall into place more easily.

Mastery Point 2: You Are Naturally and Fundamentally Flexible

Throughout your random connecting experiences, you will encounter a wide range of personalities and communication styles. Your ability to connect successfully with each of these types of individuals will require mental and behavioral agility. Master random connectors are not locked in to any single, particular style of interacting with others; rather, you are highly responsive to the other person and able to modify your personality and communication to match the other’s. This core trait will allow you to succeed with any situation or person, regardless of how similar or different the other person is from you. And although mirroring is a vital way to create rapport and alignment, flexibility is the core trait that enables you to do it successfully in all circumstances, with all personality types.

Mastery Point 3: You Are Fearless

The very nature of random connecting is daunting for some people. The notion of reaching out to complete strangers in public places is about as comfortable as putting their hand in a shark tank. No doubt, meeting strangers takes courage. But once you are equipped with the knowledge and skills you’ve acquired through this book, you will approach the world with more confidence. And the master random connector fears no venue. “Let me at ’em,” thinks the true pro. “I can meet anyone, anywhere.” A master will confidently take on any circumstance. If someone piques your curiosity 10 rows back in the plane, you’ll find a way to talk with him or her. If you overhear someone on the other side of a coffee shop saying something on a cell phone that catches your interest, you’ll find a way to meet. If someone gets on the elevator wearing a logo from a company you want to do business with, you’ll come up with something to say and ultimately get that person’s contact info. That is the kind of fearlessness that comes with random connecting mastery.

Mastery Point 4: You Can Pick Out the Best Potential Connection in the Crowd

You’ll often find yourself in a situation with many potential new contacts to whom you could talk; however, some will clearly be more valuable than others. You have a choice of who to approach and with whom you can start a conversation. Earlier in the book, we discussed the dangers of judging people from a distance based on external, superficial observation. Although conversation clues can surely guide you and help make the decision easier, the fact is that some people in the room (or on the plane or on the line or at the bar) represent greater opportunity for you than others do. Master random connectors are able to zone in on exactly who those people are. They have a sixth sense that lets them know to whom they should direct their attention and strike up the million-dollar conversation.

Mastery Point 5: You Create Comfort and Trust Quickly

When you approach complete strangers and begin talking, they will decide whether you are safe in that first split second of interaction. They will determine whether they can trust you, if they are comfortable with you, and if they should open up to you. When you become a master random connector, you will instinctively be able to get on others’ wavelengths and create a sense of safety and comfort. You will bring a nonthreatening energy or chemistry that engenders trust. And you will do it literally within the very first seconds of your interaction.

Mastery Point 6: You Know Just the Right Thing to Say to Start the Conversation

The first words that come out of your mouth will set the stage for the interaction. As you learned earlier in the book, you can say something about the circumstance; you can give a conversation clue, discuss a shared common experience, or use any of a number of other opening lines. But the master is able to say that perfect thing that resonates deeply with the other person. The master makes a statement that captures his or her experience or truth in that moment, almost stopping others in their tracks and causing them to take note and respond. “Yes, that is exactly what I was thinking, too.” They might even ask, “Yes, how did you know?” in response. Part of saying just the right thing is in
what
you say; the other part is in how you say it.

Mastery Point 7: You Describe Yourself and the Value You Offer in an Irresistible Way

At some point in the conversation you will have your chance to position yourself and your capabilities in a way that allows your new connection to perceive the value you can bring to him or her. A master random connector doesn’t just say what he or she does but explains it in a way the other person finds undeniably compelling. You describe your product, service, knowledge, resources—or whatever comprises your offerings—so persuasively and congruently with the other person’s needs that he or she immediately recognizes its value. You show that you can do something for that person that is unique, relevant, and so focused on how he or she will benefit as a result that that person absolutely
has
to have it.

Mastery Point 8: You Are Able to Identify the Leverage Point Quickly, While Being Respectful to the Other Person

You will be scanning for how your new acquaintance can be of value to you—and you to him or her—during your conversation. As you talk, ask, listen, and respond, you will discover if and how there is a basis for further interaction. However, as we discovered earlier in this book, no one wants to feel that they’re being used solely for their power or influence. The master random connector is able to zero in on the leverage point quickly while preserving the integrity of the relationship. A master connector is able to determine whether there’s anything there while ensuring that the other person feels respected and valued for who he or she is—not just for his or her connections or influence.

Mastery Point 9: Your Follow-up Leads to Action and Commitment From the Other Party (aka “Closes the Deal”) Quickly . . . and Often

Interesting conversations among interesting people make life, well . . . interesting. And no doubt, people all over the world have fun, stimulating, and engaging exchanges with strangers every day. But the ultimate sign of random connecting mastery is in the ability to turn that new association into a mutually productive, profitable outcome more often than not. The master maintains contact, keeps the momentum of the initial meeting going, builds personal credibility, and cultivates the interpersonal relationship so that the connection manifests into something tangible almost every time. The master random connector pursues those random encounters that represent the greatest opportunity and knows how to realize them quickly and often.

All of these abilities came together for me recently when I turned a four-minute random encounter with a complete stranger in a hectic airport concourse into a profitable consulting engagement within four months of the initial meeting.

Time was not on my side, with people hurriedly heading for their flights, grabbing at the one chance for decent food before boarding. I struck up a conversation with a man who was getting ready to leave the food kiosk as I was arriving. We made eye contact and exchanged a nod of acknowledgment, which I followed up with a smile and the comment: “That’s what I call eating on the run.”

To this he replied, “Yeah, it’s hardly gourmet, but it sure beats a bag of pretzels.”

We chuckled in that common understanding. “Where are you headed?” I asked.

“Washington, DC,” he said.

“Ah. Do you work for the government?” When he replied affirmatively, I said with enthusiasm, “Wow, that’s great . . . which agency or department?”

He answered and went on to tell me about the kind of work he does and described an upcoming project he’ll be working on. I drilled down with genuine curiosity and determined that there could be a good fit for my expertise. “That sounds like an exciting initiative,” I said. “I specialize in that area and have a lot of experience with projects like that. I wonder if we could exchange cards and if I could follow up and talk some more about it. You never know where that could lead.”

“Sure,” he said, as he reached into his briefcase and pulled out a card. I did the same.

Within those four minutes and a handful of sentences, I established rapport, found out where he lived and worked as well as what type of work he did, discovered that he had a project for which I might be a good fit, obtained his contact info, gave him mine, and gained agreement to follow up and talk again.

Upon returning to my office, I sent him an e-mail restating parts of our conversation and suggesting some specific ways I could be of assistance with his project, to which he responded that he was interested. We then scheduled an appointment to talk on the phone, which we did. I followed that up with another e-mail that included a proposal. We spoke one more time, and within two months, I was spec’d into an extended consulting engagement. It is a perfect example of what is possible when we apply the principles and techniques of random connecting to our everyday lives.

The
Talk to Strangers Mastery Program

Networking has found its way to the front and center of the professional world, since
who
you know is often more important than
what
you know. Savvy, successful people have come to realize that they can increase their pool of opportunities by expanding their universe of contacts. Yet it’s often in the unpredictable, unplanned, random meetings in everyday interactions that we make the most powerful connections. The
Talk to Strangers Mastery Program
—a step-by-step plan for mastering the art and science of turning random encounters into productive, life-changing relationships—follows. This program will help you achieve the highest level of proficiency in turning those encounters into mutually profitable, productive relationships.