TALES FROM THE SCRIPT: THE BEHIND-THE-CAMERA ADVENTURES OF A TV COMEDY WRITER (20 page)

Most of the trip was party time . . . and work. it wasn’t easy to
mount a show in arenas like those. We worked hard, but we also
shared a lot of laughs. We did have a few harrowing experiences,
though. After all, there was fighting going on.
Strangely enough, my most traumatic experience was during our
Peacetime trip around the world. We visited Moscow. The people of
Russia were delightful, but the folks in authority were very militant.
The clerks at the hotel didn’t say, “Have a nice day.” They said very
authoritatively, “Stand in this line and have your documents ready.”
i was pleased to have visited Moscow, but eager to get out again.
Our military escorts instructed us, on our departure, to board the
C-141. They told us our passports, which had been collected by
the Soviet authorities upon our arrival, would be handed out once
we were in the air. So, we obediently took our assigned seats on the
plane. We taxied out to the runway for take-off. Then, we stopped.
The Russian militia boarded and ordered all of us off the plane and instructed us to stand in front of it. Only Dolores and Bob were exceptions. As we stood in front of that giant aircraft, all i could visualize
was the movie,
Midnight Express.
We stood on the tarmac for about a half an hour. Finally, we were
told to board the aircraft one at a time. We were checked against our
passports, which were handed back to us individually. i was glad
when the wheels lifted off of Soviet ground.
There were heart-wrenching moments during those jaunts, too.
When we were at sea off the coast of Beirut, we missed midnight mass.
Bob rarely did that because he’d apparently made a promise to Dolores
on those Christmas trips that he’d always attend midnight mass. He
couldn’t on that Christmas Eve, though, because the bishop who had
flown out to say the mass, got seasick. There was no midnight mass.
Bob, Barney Mcnulty, and i stayed in the Captain’s Quarters to
work on script changes. The Captain came in and asked if we’d like
some Christmas music on while we worked. He slipped a tape in and
the first song we heard was Bing Crosby singing “White Christmas.”
none of us spoke for a bit. i glanced up and noticed tears running
down the cheeks of both Bob and Mcnulty.
Bob liked to take a walk before bedtime. On the ship, we often
went out on deck to stroll around. One night, we tried, but the Captain would not permit it. There was no moon and we could have no
outside lights. He was afraid that people would trip over the guide
wires and such that were all over the deck. Bob had to have his walk,
so we roamed around the innards of the
USS Guam.
He wandered into one darkened room at about one o’clock in
the morning, and then he noticed that it was the hospital ward. We
quickly exited, not wanting to wake any of the sick or injured. We got
about twenty yards along the corridor when a guy on crutches came
chasing after us calling out “Hey, Bob.” He insisted that we come
back. Bob said he didn’t want to wake the guys, but that guy said,
“They’re all awake waiting for you.” Bob went back in and did about
ten minutes of ad-libs.
Bob’s casts and crews weren’t the only ones who were souvenir
hunting. Many of the guys in our troupe worked on various television shows and movies, and they had T-shirts, jackets, and hats that
promoted the shows. in Saudi Arabia, we were all on our bus preparing to leave a show that we’d just completed. One of our guys had a
T-shirt from some movie. A soldier standing outside said, “Hey, man,
i love your shirt.” The crew member took off his jacket, whipped off
the T-shirt, and threw it out the window to the soldier.
The soldier responded by pulling out a large knife. He took the
knife and tore at the stitching that held some patches onto his uniform. He ripped those patches off and handed them in the window
to the guy who just gave him the shirt.
i looked out the window at the soldier and saw that tears were
streaming down his face. He noticed me noticing him and said to me,
“That’s the only present i’ll be giving anybody this Christmas.”
i mentioned earlier that our midnight mass was cancelled on Christmas Eve, but i went to all the religious services they held on board ship
that day. There was a non-sectarian service on the hanger deck, and there
was a Catholic mass celebrated early in the evening in the forecastle.
it was a small gathering because most of the people had planned on
attending the midnight service. Several of us stood there in the bowels
of the ship, surrounded by anchor chains. The links of these chains were
about four feet high. it was an interesting venue for a religious service.
At one point, the priest invited the participants to “offer each
other the sign of peace.” i turned to shake hands with the people
around me and the first one i greeted was a young marine with an
automatic weapon slung across his back. i shook his hand and said,
“Peace be with you.”
i had done that many times before, but i think that was the first
time i really appreciated the meaning of the word, “Peace.”

We work for people who are in show business.”
in a sense, he was right. Stars drive the entertainment business.
They put the fannies in the seats. They attract the audience, sell the
sponsors’ products, and generate the profits.
My writing partner, Bill Richmond, and i had a meeting with Bob
Hope at his house in Toluca Lake. it was a beautiful, sprawling home
that covered several acres and we sat by a bay window that overlooked
the gorgeously manicured back yard with a large swimming pool and
golf hole for some quick, free time practicing.
Bob told us about his early days in radio. He used to play golf with
a gentleman who owned a company that made boxes for his sponsor’s
product. The sponsor was a pharmaceutical company that was young
then, but became very successful. That guy kept begging off the regular golfing date. When Bob asked him why, he said, “i can’t get away.
We’re too busy at the plant.”
Bob said to his agent, “We’re making money for this company.
They wouldn’t be ordering so many boxes if they weren’t selling a lot
of product. Get me a nice contract.”
The agent approached the sponsors and came back to Bob with

Then, he said to us, “Can you imagine if i had taken a percentage
of that company as payment back then?”
Bill Richmond looked around the palatial home and said, “Gee,
Bob, you could have been on easy street today.”
The stars know they’re stars, too.
One time, my wife and i were going go out for dinner. Our four
youngsters were just reaching that age where they could be left at
home without a baby sitter, yet we felt uncomfortable about it.
Before leaving, i told the kids that if anyone called, they shouldn’t say
that Mommy and Daddy were out. i instructed them to say that Daddy
was in the shower, and then take a number where we could call back.
While we were at dinner, Bob Hope called from new Orleans.
When he asked for me, my daughter, Terry, dutifully told him that i
was in the shower and asked if i could call back.
Bob said, “i need him right now. Tell him this is Bob Hope calling. He’ll get out of the shower for me.”
My daughter had no alternate plan. She didn’t know what to do,
so she hung up.
When i got home, she gave me the message and i called Bob’s
hotel in new Orleans. We talked for a while, and then he gave me
my writing assignment, and asked, “Who was that who answered the
phone earlier?”
i said, “That was my daughter.”
He said, “Have a talk with your daughter and tell her that i’m a big
star. You don’t hang up on big stars.”
i mentioned earlier that when Bill Richmond and i co-produced
Welcome Back, Kotter
, we inherited many problems that had been going on between the star and the executive producer for some time.
We were in the middle between Jimmy Komack and Gabe Kaplan,
the star of the series. Kaplan resisted anything we did because he felt
we were just shills for Komack.
When the situation became unbearable, we issued an ultimatum
that either the star of the show or our producing team would have to
go. The people in charge opted to keep our producing squad. Gabe
appeared only at the beginning and the end of each show. He was not
part of the main storyline.
Shortly afterwards, Gabe went to the network and demanded a
hefty raise for each episode . . . and got it.
That’s the power that stars have.
i saw another example of star power while working on
Welcome
Back, Kotter.
John Travolta was one of the biggest stars in film when
we came on as Kotter producers. He was riding high on the crest of
two major film roles,
Saturday Night Fever
and
Grease
.
We wanted him to do the show that year, but we weren’t sure we could
get him. He either was too busy to do the weekly series, or he didn’t want
to. He wanted to meet the new producing team before he would make a
decision. After the meeting, he agreed to do seven to ten episodes. That
agreement was a major coup for our producing and writing staff.
John was a delight to work with and he enjoyed doing comedy.
He did it well. However, Travolta did something interesting when we
worked with him. i was never sure whether it was an innocent failing
or done by design. it was a form of upstaging.
At the table reading for the first show that John appeared in,
he could just about read the script. He had trouble with the script
throughout the week of rehearsals. John was well-liked and all the
other cast members helped him.
Then on Friday night, when the cameras were turned on, Travolta
was perfect. The rest were a little less prepared. They had spent so
much time helping him they had neglected their own rehearsing.
Stars are the glamour of the business, and meeting and working with
them is memorable. Memorable for us, that is; not necessarily for them.
John Wayne was once a guest on
Laugh-In
while i worked there.
Some stars are even celebrities among celebrities. Bob Hope was,
and so was Frank Sinatra. John Wayne was in that class, too.
While i was on the stage watching a sketch being prepared, John held
out his hand to me and said, “Hi. i’m John Wayne.” i was thrilled. i shook
his hand and said, “Gene Perret. i’m one of the writers on the show.”
Just then, the director called for quiet as they taped that particular
segment. John and i stood side by side and watched the performance.
All the while, i kept thinking,
wow, John Wayne introduced himself to
me and knows who I am.
Then, the sketch ended and we were free to talk again.
John Wayne turned to me, held out his hand to me, and said, “Hi.
i’m John Wayne.”
So much for us being memorable to them.
Working with the stars wasn’t always pleasant. in fact, working
with the non-stars, pseudo-stars, and “i think i’m a star but nobody
agrees with me yet’s” wasn’t always pleasant, either.
Several of us writers and producers were meeting to cast a show
we were planning called
Hallzapoppin.
We were searching for two
stars to handle the hosting chores, the roles that Olson and Johnson
played on Broadway.
There were two Los Angeles disc jockeys that had a current, hot
comedy record. We thought we’d interview them to see if they might
host the show. When they came to the interview, they were arrogant.
They walked into the room and turned us down immediately. They
said, “You can’t write the kind of comedy that we like to do. This show
is beneath us. Besides that, you can’t afford us.” With that, they left.
We were all stunned.
A minute later, there was a knock on the door. The two DJ’s who we
“couldn’t afford” poked their heads back inside, held up their ticket from
the parking lot, and said, “Do you guys validate?”
Sometimes the stars would surprise us in a pleasant way. Glen
Campbell was performing on a special we did in Sweden. We were in
an old theatre, which could have presented logistic problems, and we
were working with a foreign stage crew. When Glen was preparing to
rehearse his song, they couldn’t get a cord to his electric guitar.
Glen was quite relaxed about it. He said, “i’ll use my other guitar.”
For some reason, they couldn’t get that to work either.
They tried several alternative plans, but none of them seemed to
work. it looked like a major brouhaha would develop.
Campbell said, “it’s no problem. i’ll do the song without a guitar.”
That was a perfect opportunity for a star to throw a tantrum. instead, Glen remained calm and solved the problem without incident.
As an aside, Glen provided a memorable evening of entertainment
during that trip. Several of us visited the hotel lounge after work that
night. A musician played piano and guitar and sang some songs in the
lounge. Glen asked if he could play the guitar and join in the music.
Glen played and sang for a couple of hours that evening. it was
great music and great fun.
i told Glen how interested i was in guitar music and we spoke of
Django Reinhart quite a bit that night. After the trip, Glen sent me a
group of records that included all of Django Reinhart’s recorded music.
Tony Randall was always a consummate professional, who brought
unbridled enthusiasm and 110% effort to whatever project he was
working on. He brought tremendous energy to any stage he was on.
He used a trick that was delightful during the tapings. Often,
someone or another flubbed a line during taping and we had to go
back and pick up the shooting. Whoever the culprit was had to cover
for the mistake and apologize to the audience.
Tony Randall, before a performance, announced to the audience that
he had been in show business many, many years, and in all that time, he had
never flubbed a line during a performance. He emphasized the “never.”
Then, of course, if he did blow a line during the taping, the audience got a tremendous kick out of it. it seemed clever of him to buy
his own “insurance policy” before the taping even began.
He was a guest on a show we did from Florida one year. Again,
it was when Bob Hope’s concentration was failing. Bob and Tony
Randall were to do a song number. it was a copy of a song that he and
Bing Crosby had done in one of their road pictures. The song was
called “Apalachacola.”
As a guide, we had a tape of the Hope-Crosby routine from the
film. Each time they rehearsed, Bob got either the lyrics or the dance
steps wrong. He blamed it on Randall.
They watched the tape, which showed that Randall, was perfect,
but Bob was off. Bob, though, insisted that he had done the routine
correctly and Randall hadn’t.
That was repeated time and time again. The rehearsal went on
for hours. Throughout this ordeal, though, Randall never defended
himself and never accused Bob of being wrong. instead, he endured
with a calm, pleasant attitude out of respect for Bob.
it was an inspiring rehearsal to watch.
Whether working with the stars was pleasant or unpleasant, it
was always fascinating. Those folks were exciting.
i remember how thrilled i was when neil Armstrong was scheduled to appear on one of the Bob Hope specials. i was looking forward
to meeting and working with the man who first stepped on the moon.
However, when i showed up for work, things began to appear
ominous. One stagehand was sweeping up the stage and when he
saw me he said, “Boy, you’d better run and hide. Things aren’t going
so well around here.”
Then, i saw a couple of the cue card guys who said, “You’d better
straighten things out with neil Armstrong before Hope shows up.”
One of the nBC guys told me, “You’d better grab a script and
smooth things over with neil Armstrong. He’s furious.”
none of them would tell me what was wrong.
Reluctantly, i took my script into neil Armstrong’s dressing
room. i introduced myself and said, “i understand you have a problem with the script.”
“Yes, i do,” he said.
“Maybe we can fix it,” i said.
“Sure,” he said. “There are just a few minor problems.”
in our script, we had called his trip to the moon a “perfect flight.”
He pointed out, though, that there had been something like 237 flaws
during the journey. Those were technical problems by nASA standards, not major problems.
There were a few other errors with the technical wording of the
piece. They were things an astronaut would want to be precise about,
but a comedy writer might not.
Together, neil and i corrected the script in about five or six minutes. neil was polite and cooperative, and all the rumors i heard on
my way into the studio were just that—exaggerated rumors.
A similar thing happened when Roseanne Barr (as she was known
then) was scheduled to appear on the Bob Hope show. Everyone assumed
she would be a terror. She had a reputation for being tough with the staff
and crew on her own sitcom. We figured it would carry over to our show,
but she was absolutely no trouble. She read the lines, took direction, and
accepted changes, all without resistance . . . until the day of taping.
Right before the taping, she called me over as head-writer and
said very politely, “You know there’s one line here i don’t understand.”
She pointed it out to me and it was an error in the printing of the
script. She had a punch line to a setup that no longer existed. it had
been removed in the final typing.
i went back and got some earlier scripts and penciled in the correct joke, which Roseanne liked. That problem was easily solved.
Then, Roseanne said to me, “Thank you very much. But here’s
another joke that i think stinks.” it looks harsh on paper, but she said
it in a kidding way.
The writers worked on it and came up with a new line that she
accepted before the cameras were turned on.
She handled the changes correctly, politely, and with a sense of
humor.
We had another script problem with a star that looked like it was
going to be trouble, but it wasn’t. Brooke Shields had been a guest on
the Bob Hope show so many times that it got to be an industry joke.
She was always bright, cheerful, prepared as an actress, and a pleasure
to be around. That’s why it was such a shock when she complained
that she couldn’t do what the script required her to do.
“What’s the problem?” i asked
Brooke said, “i just can’t do this.”
“Why not?” i asked.
“it’s impossible,” she told me.
Of course, we writers girded up to defend our script and all of
the jokes in it. We thought that stars were too demanding and always
asked for special treatment and so on and so forth.
“What’s impossible about it?” i asked.
Brooke said, “This scene right here. i have three entrances and
only one exit.”
She was right—it was impossible.
What happened was that Bob Hope had taken various versions of
the sketch that the writers had turned in to him separately. That was
his way of preparing the scripts. He marked off different sections from
those several drafts that he thought were funny and then combined
them into one sketch. it turned out in that final version that Brooke was
supposed to make an entrance or two when she was already on stage.
We rewrote the script so that she would only have to come onto
the set if she wasn’t already there. She was pleasant in pointing out the
error to us and continued to be a delight through the rest of the show.
it wasn’t always as easy as it was with Roseanne and Brooke,
though. Burt Reynolds appeared on the Bob Hope shows many
times. For some reason on one particular show, he was not happy
with the way things were going. i had no idea what the problem was,
but it was obvious to all of us on the stage that there was a problem.
i had to take some script changes into Burt’s dressing room and
review them with him before the next scene was taped. He invited me
in, but he was not pleased with any of the changes. He accepted them
and approved them, but was surly about it.
All i wanted to do was get the changes okayed and onto cue cards
before he started taking things out on me personally. When we got
the last line changed and approved, i was eager to exit. i really enjoyed his new television show,
Evening Shade,
and i was going to tell
him that before i left. if he wanted to get sore at me for that, fine.
“i really think you’re new show is superb,” i said.
“Thank you,” he said.