TALES FROM THE SCRIPT: THE BEHIND-THE-CAMERA ADVENTURES OF A TV COMEDY WRITER (15 page)

Most of the writers on
The Carol Burnett Show
hated the “Eunice”
sketches except for Dick Clair and Jenna McMahon who created
them. Actually, they wrote one sketch for Roddy McDowell, which
Carol loved playing and that evolved into the series of “Eunice”
sketches.

in that first sketch, McDowell played a very successful author,
who was Eunice’s brother and Mama Harper’s son. He wrote for
major magazines and had just come from an interview with Queen
Elizabeth ii. However, none of the family was impressed. They were
more interested and fascinated with the new trick that the family dog
had just learned.

The sketch played well and Carol loved the Eunice character. She
was a self-centered, shrill, jealous woman, who hated her brothers,
her sisters, and her Mama.

The writers hated the sketches because the characters were so unlikable, and also because the sketches started so high. The characters
were yelling at each other from the very start for trifling reasons, consequently, they had no room to build.

ership over those characters. it got to the point where those sketches
were all that Dick and Jenna wrote, and they wrote long, rambling
sketches. Ed Simmons hated those pieces for the above reasons, but
also because he was the one who had to harness the characters and
control Dick and Jenna and their tendency to overwrite.

nevertheless, the sketches were popular and became a regular
part of the show. A few years after the show went off the air, Joe Hamilton, in conjunction with Dick and Jenna, sold the concept to CBS as
a pilot called
Mama’s Family.

Dick and Jenna were to write and produce the series. The problem
was that when Dick and Jenna were in charge, they had no one to harness their efforts. They wanted to write until the show was perfect. They
wrote and wrote and delivered nothing to the network. The show was
scheduled to air at a certain date, and Dick and Jenna were delivering no
scripts and hiring no actors for the part. They weren’t producing a show.

CBS got after them, but Dick and Jenna went into isolation. They
didn’t return calls and couldn’t be reached. in desperation, Joe Hamilton hired Ed Simmons to get the writing and the show organized
and ready for production on schedule. Ed brought in Rick Hawkins
and Liz Sage, who had worked with him on the Burnett show, and the
production began to take shape. At least, a cast was hired and scripts
were readied for rehearsal and shooting. Dick and Jenna just disappeared, except to collect royalties for creating the show.

On reflection, the other Burnett writers should have objected to
that arrangement. We should have shared in the revenue. Admittedly,
Dick and Jenna wrote all of the “Eunice” sketches, but the other writers took up the slack by writing enough sketches for the Burnett show
to allow Dick and Jenna to write only the “Eunice” sketches. Also, i
believed that when characters were created for a show, all of the writers should have shared in the ownership of those characters regardless of which specific writers first wrote the character. However, none
of us pursued it, and Dick and Jenna reaped the rewards.

The show was successful. it was a softer version of the “Eunice”
sketches. it was more of a sitcom, whereas the sketches on the Burnett show were very broad and much more suited to a variety show
than a weekly situation comedy.

i wasn’t involved with the beginning of the show. i came on after
the show had been established for a few weeks.
i was still recovering from heart surgery when the Conway show
was cancelled, so i wasn’t very aggressive in finding other work. Most
of the shows had already been staffed by the time i was ready to go back
into action. That made finding work more difficult. it was the first time
since i began in television in 1969 that the jobs became hard to find.
Bill and i did get work on a pilot, though. it was an Angie Dickinson show that was created and being produced by Alan Katz for
Johnny Carson’s production company. We signed on as producers.
Alan Katz had written the pilot episode. We worked on the rewrite of that, but also began lining up writers to do other episodes.
We wrote a couple of those episodes, too.
However, the pilot show didn’t go well. Angie wasn’t happy with
it. She shot it, but she wasn’t at all pleased with it. When it came time
to produce the second show in the series, Angie had gone to Tahiti or
some such remote place.
We had a meeting with Johnny Carson and a viewing of the first
show with him. He didn’t have many suggestions except to recognize
that Angie Dickinson was unhappy with her character and the direction the show was taking.
We listened and offered suggestions of our own, but nothing mattered. Angie was not going to do the show. Production was stopped
and we were out of a job. However, we still had a contract. We would
be paid for thirteen shows whether they were produced or not. That’s
what we thought.
Carson’s production company came up with another show called
Teacher’s Lounge.
They asked us to meet with Aaron Ruben, the executive producer. Bill, i, Rick Hawkins, and Liz Sage met with Aaron one
morning and he explained the concept of the show to us. The meeting lasted all morning, and when we broke for lunch, Aaron felt that
we would return with a positive response. Bill and i would produce
the show and Rick and Liz would be on the writing staff.
However, the more the four of us discussed it over lunch, the
more it seemed like an unworkable idea. it took place in a lounge
and all of the action would be talked about rather than seen. We returned and told Aaron that we weren’t interested in doing it. He was
stunned, disappointed, and angry.
Then, our checks stopped coming.
Johnny Carson’s business people claimed that by turning down
that show, we had violated our Angie Dickinson contract, so they
weren’t required to pay off our deal. We, of course, rejected that
premise and took our complaint to the Writers Guild.
The Carson people agreed to meet with Bill and me to try to settle
the dispute. They claimed it was the same show as the Angie Dickinson show and that we reneged. We claimed it was an entirely different
concept with an entirely different cast and a different executive producer, and that it bore no resemblance to the show that we had agreed
to produce. They were forced to agree with that and were to pay us
our contracted salary for the thirteen weeks.
However, they would not pay us for the scripts we wrote that were
not produced. We said that we agreed to write those in good faith, we
delivered the pages, and we should be paid. Apparently, they had a major disagreement with Alan Katz. They claimed that they didn’t contract
for the shows; he did. We argued that if they had a dispute with Alan
Katz, it should be litigated with Alan Katz. He hired us to write those
shows and he was a representative of their company when he hired us.
We delivered. We should be paid. Again, they reluctantly agreed and
paid us for our work. That was the end of the Angie Dickinson pilot.
it was settled to our satisfaction, but left us looking for work again at
a time when it was hard to find work. All the jobs were filled.
i called Bill Richmond with a couple of ideas to pursue. He said,
“Maybe it’s better if we go our separate ways.” That was okay with me
and i quickly agreed. We ended our writing partnership.
i called Ed Simmons to see if there were any openings on
Mama’s
Family.
Ed immediately found space for me on the staff, but caused
me to do something that i’ve regretted ever since.
Then, the negotiations proved my point about “returning favors,” such as the discussion that we had with Joe Hamilton when
the Conway show was reduced to a half-hour format. Joe Hamilton
was to hire me, but at almost the minimum wage. i had been one of
the major writers on the Burnett show for five seasons when the staff
collected three Emmy Awards. i had been the producer of the Tim
Conway show for two years. Then, when i needed work, i was held
over a barrel and signed for a much reduced salary.
So much for the “they’ll owe you a favor” concept.
The sitcom featured Vicki Lawrence as “Mama,” the role she originated on
The Carol Burnett Show.
Ken Berry played her son, “Vinnie.”
Eunice and Ed had moved on to Florida to begin a new life, but their
children stayed home and lived with their grandmother, Mama Harper.
Vicki was a delight to work with. She was the star of this show
and she carried it well. She was not overly demanding. She contributed many ideas to the show, was willing to listen to the staff ’s suggestions, and she appreciated the writing.
i was not thrilled to be back in situation comedy for all the reasons
that i outlined before. nevertheless, that was a good show. i liked the
characters. Mama especially had appeal because she seemed to represent someone to everyone. She was every viewer’s grandma, aunt, sister,
or someone. She had a universal appeal. i enjoyed writing those shows.
The executive logic, though, tainted that show, too. At one time,
we were trying to outline and write several shows in advance. Ed
Simmons had some ideas that he offered to the writers. i liked one of
them and offered to write it. Ed said, “Fine.”
One thing that i liked to do with stories was to let them simmer
.
i just thought about them for awhile and tossed ideas around in my
head, not accepting or rejecting any of them, but let them just occupy
my mind. Then, one or two of the ideas jelled and i started formulating the plot and some of the jokes to go along with it.
However, once i agreed to write that story, Ed Simmons handed
me a plot outline. i said, “What’s this?”
Ed said, “That’s the plot outline for the story you’re going to write.”
i said, “no, i like to develop the plot on my own.”
Ed said, “Well, this is the one i submitted to the network and they
approved it.”
i said, “Then you write it.”
i refused to write that particular episode because the fun of the
writing was taken from me.
Mama, the character, was a lovable soul, but she had her faults.
She was overbearing, almost dictatorial.
She raised Eunice, which
also raised doubt about her parenting credentials.
i wondered whether she was a good mother or not.
Because of those doubts about her parenting skills, i came up
with a story concept in which there was a catastrophe of some sort
in Raytown, the mythical town where they lived. it would probably
be a flood, a huge fire, or some such disaster that would cause many
people to be homeless. i wanted Mama to offer her house to a poor
family that was rendered homeless as a result of the tragedy.
The idea of the story was that Mama and the mother of the other family would butt heads over who was the better parent. it would show that
a low income household could have love and discipline as much as the
Harper family could. in fact, it might even show that the indigent woman
might give some lessons to Mama on how to be a worthwhile mother.
Before i wrote it, the network got involved. They felt the concept
was so strong that it should feature a major star such as Sally Fields or
Meryl Streep. “Write it for someone like that,” they said.
i objected. if we got Sally Fields or Meryl Streep or anyone with
that sort of stature, the script would have to be written for them. it
would become a major role.
“That’s what we want,” the network insisted.
“But you’ll never get Sally Fields or Meryl Streep or anyone coming close to those credentials,” i said. “Then you’ll be stuck with a
story demanding a major star and no major star to fill the role.”
“Just write it and let us worry about getting the star,” the network
ordered.
So i wrote the story with a strong part for Sally, Meryl, or whomever.
Of course, Sally Fields and Meryl Streep were not available to do
a television situation comedy. The network asked us to come up with
alternatives. We suggested Cher, Angie Dickinson, and a host of other
people. The network couldn’t coax any of them into doing it, either.
Then, the command degenerated to “Get somebody like Sally
Fields or Meryl Streep.” Whatever names we offered, though, the network rejected because they were
like
Fields or Streep, but they
weren’t
Fields or Streep.
next, the idea was to find relative newcomers with the potential
to become a Sally Fields or a Meryl Streep. That was an impossible
task because networks didn’t recognize potential; they saw only marquee value. Consequently, any name we suggested was dismissed.
The end result was what i had predicted when the original “Get
Fields or Streep” edict was issued—the show was dropped because
the part of the second mother was written for a major star and we
could not deliver a major star.
Executive logic, again.
The executives almost shot down another episode. i had an idea
for a show that centered on a concept that hit close to my personal
life. My mother’s generation believed in visiting gravesites regularly,
but i didn’t. So, i worked that into a
Mama’s Family
episode.
The network wasn’t keen on the idea. it probably featured ideas
that they didn’t subscribe to, and it also dealt with a depressing
topic—death. However, we got an okay to go ahead with the script.
The script was strong.
We originally shot the cemetery scene in the studio, but when the
network saw the final version of the show, they insisted that we reshoot the cemetery scene outdoors. They wanted it to look authentic.
Frankly the indoor scene was very phony because you could see the
seams of the fake grass.
The basic idea was that Mama visited her long departed husband,
Carl, at his gravesite each week and she talked openly with him as if he
was there beside her. Then, she noticed that the grave next to his, the
one reserved for her, had a headstone with another woman’s name on it.
Mama got furious and started pounding Carl’s tombstone with
her purse and accusing him of having an “affair” with that woman.
it was certainly my favorite script for that show and may be the
best situation comedy script i ever wrote.
Another favorite of mine was a script i did parodying the popular show of the time,
The People’s Court
with Judge Wopner. in that
episode, Mama borrowed a vacuum cleaner that was given to Vint
and naomi as a wedding gift. When she used it, it snagged on her
heirloom rug and burned a giant hole in it. Mama sued naomi for
negligence, and naomi countersued because Mama borrowed her
property without permission and destroyed it.
We tried to get Judge Wopner to play himself, but he refused.
However, the play worked just as well with an actor in the role. it
was a very funny script.
However, after the Wednesday run-through, Vicki came to the
writers meeting and wanted the script redone. For whatever reason, she objected to the script centering on a vacuum cleaner. “Why
couldn’t it be a hairdryer?” she asked. i have no idea why Vicki felt so
strongly opposed to the idea of the vacuum cleaner, but she was.
However, that was on a Wednesday and we were to shoot the
show on Friday. nevertheless, Vicki wanted a rewrite with the vacuum cleaner removed. Joe Hamilton did his homework and pointed
out that it wasn’t a simple task to just change the appliance. Vicki
wanted to know why. Joe pointed out that just changing that one item
would require about 146 changes in the script. no way could a new
script be completed in time for the shooting.
Vicki pouted, but Joe pulled rank. The story went as scripted and
it was a very funny segment.
However, that argument was the final straw for me. i had had it
with situation comedy and stars of situation comedies. i resigned using the excuse that i had a speaking career starting up and i wanted to
be free to travel at any time. They gave me my release.
in effect, i was done with television writing except for the Bob
Hope specials. i signed on as a full-time writer with Bob Hope to the
exclusion of any other television writing.