Taking Heart (26 page)

She pulled on the steering wheel and the car came to a screeching halt at
the shoulder of the interstate. Without a word, she got out of the car and
trudged off into the dark cornfield. A few moments later he heard her scream, a
guttural, heartrending yell that instantly brought tears to his eyes. It was
the cry of someone who had finally begun to rebuild her shattered life only to
have it torn down again by a careless bystander. He’d come from a great place,
had honestly thought she would appreciate the gesture, but if he had been
completely honest with himself, he knew that he'd searched tirelessly for Ben's
heart in order to push her into closure. The problem was that it hadn't been
his call to decide when and how she should let go.

He rolled down his window and listened to Ren's sobs for a few agonizing
minutes until he could no longer stand it. He ran into that gloomy field until
he found her kneeling on the cold dirt, her face buried in her hands. He bent
down beside her and ran a palm up and down her back, wishing he could rewind
the day and just stay in her apartment. The night would be ending far
differently if he had just had faith that Ren would heal in her own time.

“I'm sorry,” he said over and over.

Finally, she collected herself and looked up into the incomplete moon. “I
know you meant well,” she said, sniffing. She got to her feet, climbed back
into the driver’s seat, and drove, saying nothing else until they reached the
Chicago city limits. “I think I should be alone for a while,” she said, keeping
her eyes straight ahead.

When he saw signs for the airport, he knew he was getting kicked out of
the state. “I understand.”

When they arrived at the departure terminal, she parked at the curb and
left the car on idle. Her seatbelt remained buckled. “You might not hear from
me for a while,” she said, her voice hoarse.

“Can I still call you?”

The skin under her eyes was puffy, but she tried a brave, wavery smile.
“Probably not. For a while, anyway.”

“Ren, I had the best intentions.”

“I know.”

“I just... I don't want to lose you.”

“I know,” she said. “I just want to be alone and think for a while.”

He twisted around in his seat. “I wanted you to get over him, to really
get over him, so that we could be together. I know that sounds selfish, because
I love you and I want you to be with me, but I really did it for you. I want
you to finally live your life and be happy.”

“I know,” she said, sitting beyond where even his sentiments could reach.
He wanted to kiss her and make her understand, but all he had were words, and
they weren’t enough to penetrate her shroud of grief.

“I love you, Ren. I'll wait for you.” When she said nothing, he climbed
out of the car.

He waited when he reached the front of the ticket counter, and he waited
before going through security. When he reached his gate, he finally had to
admit to himself that she was not running after him, and he went through that
final doorway with tired eyes and a heavy heart.

chapter
seventeen

Ren awoke that morning with a sense of purpose. It had been a while since
that night in Iowa and, after weeks of thinking and analyzing the direction in
which her life was headed, she finally realized what needed to be done. It
wouldn't be easy, but really, nothing that truly mattered ever was.

She took a long run around neighborhood, her muscles remembering the joy
of simply moving at your own pace, of navigating around the world with your own
two feet. As her shoes pounded a beat on the pavement, she thought of Ben and
how she still missed him. Perhaps she always would. His memory would always
cast a shadow on her thoughts because he’d been such a big part of her life, but
it was time to take the next step and move on. She was ready now.

After a shower, she made her way up to the town of Wilmette. The route to
Brad and Linda’s house was one Ren had driven so many times before, she
probably could have performed it blindfolded, but today's drive was somber in
its finality. Ren loved the Blairs, but she was not naive to think that they
would remain in her life. Ben was their connecting thread and now that he was
gone, their ties were ultimately severed. She'd be a fool to pretend otherwise.

She pulled up to the two-story lemon yellow house, pleased to find that
the lawn was back to its immaculate self, a stark contrast to the period of time
after Ben's death when the Blairs' lives were chaos and it showed. Ren walked
up the porch and knocked on the red door, the envelope tucked safely in her
purse.

“Ren!” Brad's voice boomed throughout the entry hallway. He gave her a
hug before ushering her inside, bemoaning the lack of snow that went
hand-in-hand with the cold weather. “Linda's in the kitchen,” he said as he
took Ren's coat.

Kelly, their black lab, came bounding down the hall, greeting Ren with
slobbery, whiny kisses.

“Hey, old friend,” she said, easing Kelly back to the floor. “I've missed
you too.”

“I'm glad you could join us for Thanksgiving,” Brad said, leading the way
to the back of the house from where the delicious aroma of roasted turkey
emanated.

Linda closed the oven door and stood up, shaking the oven mitts off
before embracing Ren. “It's wonderful to see you, my dear.”

“You too,” Ren said, handing over a box from the bakery. “I brought some
pumpkin tartlets.”

Brad reached for the box and peered under the lid. “Bless you. I've waited
a whole year for these.”

Dinner was served in their formal dining room, but what was normally a
lively family affair was now subdued and intimate.
Lonely,
even.

The three sat around at the table awkwardly, avoiding looking at the
gaping black hole that was Ben’s seat.

“I know Thanksgiving is usually a big family to-do,” Brad said, clasping
his hands together. He held his wife's eye across the table. “But there's not a
lot to be thankful for this year.”

Linda bowed her head. “I guess we can be thankful for having Ben in our
lives for as long as we did. Even if he was taken too soon.” She gave Ren a
small smile. “What about you, dear? Do you have anything to add?”

“I'm grateful for the ring Ben left, because I was able to sell it for a
good price and donate the money to the ski team in his name.”

Brad swelled with pride. “Ben would've loved that.”

Ren cleared her throat, her heart hammering in her chest. “And I'm
grateful for a good friend who helped me find the recipient of Ben's heart.”

Linda gasped. Brad just frowned. “I thought we didn’t have access to the
recipients?” he asked.

“My friend has connections,” Ren said, feeling her face aflame. “He found
Ben's heart and we went to see her in Iowa.”

He leaned forward. “And?”

Ren glanced at Linda, wondering if the older woman would be angry. “Her
name is Angela and she's in her fifties, I think. She was dying of heart
disease. She said that Ben's heart seems to be changing her in little ways,
making her try things she normally wouldn't like.”

Linda turned away, dabbing at her eyes with the green cloth napkin.

“She said she would take care of Ben's heart.” Ren reached over and
squeezed the older woman's hand. “She gave me a letter to give to you.”

When next Linda looked up, her eyes were still shiny but her face was
composed. “Was it hard? Knowing that Ben had to die to keep her alive?”

Ren nodded gently. “It was. I might have entertained the idea of ripping
the heart right out of her chest and taking it home with me.”

Linda smiled sadly and said nothing more. She just picked up the plate of
mashed potatoes and handed it to Ren.

Ren felt like more needed to be said but she didn't want to be the one to
bring it up again, especially since it seemed as if Linda and Brad were both at
peace. Still, there was the subject of the letter.

“I'm sorry I have to leave so soon,” Ren said as they walked her to the
front door some time later. The sun was beginning to set, but she didn't have
far to drive.

“We understand. You have your thing with your sisters,” Linda said.

Ren reached into her purse and pulled out the rumpled white envelope. She
held it up, the handwritten name clearly visible.

Linda took a deep breath but Brad was the one to reach for it. “Thank
you, Ren,” he said. “I'll hold onto this until Linda is ready.”

“I'm not sure I'll ever be ready, I'm afraid.”

Ren gave Linda a warm embrace. “It was hard, I'm not going to lie. I
cried like a baby. But I'm glad I met her. A part of Ben lives on in this woman
and in a way, that brings me some peace.”

Ren noticed Brad's eyes were shining. He looked away as he shoved his
hands, envelope included, into his pants pockets.

“Please keep in touch and let us know how you're doing,” he said.

After they said their goodbyes, Ren drove to her parents' house with a
strange calmness. She no longer worried about forgetting Ben—how could
she ever forget the first great love of her life
?—
but
there was enough room in her heart for him and for someone else. She felt
certain she could love again without guilt or worry.

When Ren arrived at her sister's house, everyone threw out a hasty hello,
all engaged in a video game. Even her sisters were preoccupied with Nina and
the guys as they danced along with the game, laughing and huffing.

After hearing the story about Ben's heart, Lisa and Jolene had ordered
Ren to take a week off from the bakery in order to think with a clear mind. In
other words, they wanted her to wallow and scrape the bottom of several pints
of Ben & Jerry's in order to finally crawl out from the sticky remnants of
her love life. That they showed enough restraint not to call or come around
during that week was a minor miracle in itself, one that Ren welcomed with open
arms.

Ren counted her lucky stars. She didn't think they'd give
her another
get out of jail card ever again. Certainly, when
she went back to work a week later, they were back to their usual nosy,
opinionated selves.

After pouring herself a glass of wine, Ren joined her family in the
living room, eager to share in the fun.

Nina sat on her lap and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Do you feel better
now, Aunt Ren?”

Ren gave the kid a squeeze. “Yes, thank you for asking.”

“Mom said Eric was being a chowderbucket.”

Ren giggled. “Actually,
I
was being a chowderbucket. Eric was just
trying to help me stop being sad about Ben.”

Nina leaned her head against Ren's shoulder. “So you're not sad about Ben
anymore?”

“Yes and no.”

“That doesn't make any sense, Aunt Ren.”

“Sometimes life is confusing that way. But then there are times when
everything comes together, when all of the stars finally align, and then it all
becomes clear.” She kissed the top of her niece's head. “Then your heart
finally figures out what to do.”

Eric looked around the table, still unable to believe that his entire
family was actually sitting in one place, coexisting peacefully. After the
disastrous trip to Iowa with Ren, he had made calls to Norway and to Germany
out of sheer loneliness, inviting everyone to his apartment for Thanksgiving
but not really expecting anyone to show up—yet here they were, eating a
meal together at the dining table he himself had built out of salvaged wood.
His mother had arrived the day before while Jens had come in on a red-eye
flight. His sister, Lara, and her husband had arrived that night and were
surprisingly spry despite their long flight. It didn't matter that they hadn't
started eating dinner until ten o'clock, or that the food was nearly all
restaurant-bought. What was truly important was that, after nearly ten years,
they were all under the same roof again.

Is this it? Is this what I've been looking for?

He could hardly believe that the missing puzzle piece he had been
searching for all along might have been under his nose the entire time, he just
needed to come home.