Taking Heart (18 page)

“Oh, sweetheart,” Linda said and paused to blow her nose. “You know I
love you like my own daughter. You can call and upset me anytime you want.”

“Wait, wait,” Karen said with a gasp, her hands pressing on Eric’s chest.

He rolled away. “Is something wrong?”

“I’m confused is all,” Karen said, licking her raw lips. “I thought we
were taking things slow.”

Eric was breathing heavily as he ran a palm down his face. “You want to
talk about this right now?” He held the slightly ripped condom package tightly
in his hand.

“Yes, before we go too far.” Karen’s eyes were glowing with intensity in
the darkened room. “So we’re not taking it slow anymore?”

Eric shook his head.

“What does that mean?”

He closed his eyes and tried to ignore the tightness in his testicular
region. “It means I’m ready to really make an effort with you.”

“An effort?” She pulled away and he knew then that he’d used the wrong
word. “Is it really that hard to be with me?”

“No, of course not! That’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean, Eric?”

Knowing the moment was quickly passing by, he cupped her cheek with his
palm and traced her lips with his thumb. “I just meant I’m ready to actually be
with you.”

“No more running away when you get scared?” she asked, her eyes roaming
his face.

“No more running away,” he said, kissing her lips lightly. “I’m not that
same guy anymore.”

He saw the saucy smile before he felt her pounce on him. “In that
case...”

Afterward, in the wee hours of the morning, Eric stayed in Karen's bed
and hugged her from behind, relishing the feel of a sleeping woman in his arms
a few minutes longer before he gently peeled himself away. His conscience told
him to stay, that sneaking away after sex would send Karen the wrong message,
but he was too antsy to lie still. He knew he had crossed a threshold by
sleeping with Karen, one that he could not uncross. It should have thrilled him
to be with a woman who would take him back even after all he had put her
through, but in the back of his mind a thought niggled at him. He vowed to
address it another day.

As quietly as he could manage, he slipped on his jeans and shirt then
snuck out into the dark living room. Just as he was latching Karen’s front door
shut, his phone beeped, signaling that he had received a text message.

Are you asleep?
came
the message from
Ren.

He dialed her number as he walked to her car, a grin already touching his
lips. “Yes, I’m sleeping,” he said as soon as she picked up. “What are you
doing up at this time of night?”

“I could ask the same of you,” she said, and he knew without a doubt that
she was smiling.

“I was, um, just leaving my girlfriend’s place.”

“Oh.”

He leaned against his car and looked up at the starry sky. “So isn’t it
past your bedtime?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” she said softly. “I had a date and the guy asked
me—”

“You had a date?” he blurted out before he could restrain his errant
mouth.

“Yes, is that so hard to believe?”

“I didn’t mean it that way. Never mind. Go on.”

“Anyway, he asked me why I’d never looked for Ben’s organ recipients. So
I called Ben’s mom to see if she had, but she said she didn’t want to, that she
would just end up hating the person who’d received the organ.”

“You don’t agree,” he stated.

“I don’t know. So I’ve been up all night, just thinking about it.”

“And?”

“I guess she’s right. I don’t want to meet these strangers and end up
hating them, you know? I don’t need that in my life.”

“I don’t think that will happen.”

“What makes you think so?”

“Because, one, you’re much too nice a person to hold that kind of
animosity. It’s not even in your DNA. And two, you didn’t hate me when you
thought I had Ben’s heart.”

“Yes, because I thought Ben had brought me this amazing guy to fall in
love with,” she said, then quickly added, “Not that I fell in love, but you
know what I mean.”

Yes, he knew all too well. “So you think I’m amazing, huh?”

“Eric,” she said in warning. “I’m serious here. I don’t know what to do.”

“Alright. Let me ask you this, would meeting the person who received his,
say, kidney give you closure?”

“I don’t know. But I kind of want to find out. What do you think?”

“I could tell you, but you’re not going to like it.”

“You think I should just give it up.”

“To put it plainly: yes,” he said, hating that his words were surely
causing her pain. But she asked for his opinion knowing that he wasn’t the kind
of person to sugarcoat the truth. “You’re going to spend the rest of your years
searching for pieces of Ben, and for what? You still won’t have him back.
You’ll have just wasted years of your life hoping, when you could be moving
on.”

She was quiet for a long time, and he wondered if she was crying; he
seemed to have a real knack for that.

“Ren?”

Her voice was grave when she spoke next. “You’re right. I hate that
you’re right, but you’re right.”

“Wow, I love hearing you say that I’m right,” he joked, hoping to tease
her out of her dark mood.

“Well don’t count on it again,” she said. “Thank you. I can always rely
on you to be blunt with me.”

“Anytime.”

“Who is Ren?” Karen asked that afternoon at Eric's apartment.

Eric looked up from the email he was typing. “How do you know about her?”

“I heard you last night in my driveway. You said you loved hearing that
you’re right, then you said goodnight to a Ren.” Karen stood up and walked over
to the fireplace mantel, looking up at the abstract painting with feigned
nonchalance.

Eric turned back to the computer and hastily finished his email. When it
was done sending, he turned his attention back to Karen with some trepidation.
“She’s a friend of mine.” Already he could sense that he was treading on
dangerous territory.

“That you talk to at two in the morning?”

“Don’t you have guy friends you talk to at all hours of the night?”

Her stance, from her crossed arms to her stiff spine, was unyielding.
“No.”

“Well, I do. Both male and female friends.” He closed his laptop and
crossed the room to where Karen stood. “She’s just a friend, okay?”

Karen looked up at him with searching eyes. “Just answer me honestly: do
you have romantic feelings for her?”

He forced a
smile,
amongst other things he
forced himself to do. “No. Absolutely not.”

She smiled then, accepting his words as truth. “Okay.”

As they walked to the car to catch an early dinner and a movie, she said,
“I’m sorry if I seemed a little jealous back there. I’m just finding it hard to
completely trust you yet. You know, what with our past.”

He stopped walking and took her hands in his. “Karen, I’m with you and
I’m staying with you until the day you tell me to go,” he told her. He squeezed
her hands before opening the passenger door.

He thought that was the last of it, that Karen would drop the subject,
but he was mistaken.

“Is she your last failed relationship?” Karen whispered to his ear as
they watched the movie about geriatric action stars reliving their youth on
camera.

He looked at her in the dark theater, her eyes gleaming from the light of
the movie screen. “No, she wasn’t my last failed relationship,” he said, which
was the truth because, technically, their relationship, however platonic, was
still ongoing. His relationship with Ren, as far as he was concerned, was a
success, considering the obstacles they had faced. “Now can we please drop it?
I really hate that this is bothering you so much.”

“Just so you know, Eric, I have zero tolerance for cheating. Zero.” Even
in the dark, her expression was deathly serious.

His eyes narrowed as he stared at the woman that he’d been so enamored
with only a few hours prior.
Strange how a few choice words
could ruin that perception.

“Listen, Karen, I may not have been the most reliable guy when it comes
to relationships, but I have never, ever cheated. Nor do I plan to. So cut the
jealous crap because it’s really getting on my nerves.”

Her eyes rounded but she settled back in her seat, however stiffly. The
rest of the movie was spent in uncomfortable silence, Karen sulking by not
reaching for any more popcorn in order to avoid contact with his hand. He tried
to remember if her jealousy had been an issue in college but couldn’t recall a
single instance when she had ever displayed such insecurity.

“Okay,” he finally said as they walked to the car afterwards. “What
happened to you? You used to be so carefree in college.”

“What happened to me?” She crossed her arms across her chest. “What
happened to me
is
you.”

“Me?”

“You and all the other men I’ve ever had the luck of dating in my life.”

He looked at her across the hood of his BMW, struck silent by the sudden
anger and sadness in her face. He climbed inside and waited until she too
climbed in. He tried to reach for her hand, and when she resisted, he patted
her leg instead.

“You have no idea how many times I’ve been cheated on,” she said with
stiff lips, her chin held high. “So you’ll have to forgive me if I act a little
on the doubtful side.”

“I never cheated on you.”

“Yes, but you were the first one who made me doubt myself, who made me
wonder if there was something wrong with me.” She finally managed to make eye
contact with him and he saw that she was teary. “I used to think that you and I
were going to end up together.”

“I did too,” he confessed. “That’s why it scared me. I was twenty.
Finding that person I could spend the rest of my life with is the last thing I
needed.”

“Well bully for you.” She looked away again, to an unknown point outside
the window. “It put a big dent in my self-esteem.”

“Karen,” he said, gently guiding her chin so that she was facing him
again. “I’m really, truly sorry that I hurt you. I’m going to try and make it
up to you.” As he leaned forward to kiss the lips of the woman he’d so
unwittingly devastated, he wondered if his promises were too lofty to keep.
Still, the best he could do was
try
, right?

chapter
twelve

After Ren’s date with Kam, it seemed as if the whole world conspired to
set her up with every available male in the TriState area. And Ren,
determined to not be left
behind, agreed to almost every
one. There was Jack, the web designer who was nice but was just looking for a
workout buddy; Donovan, the basketball player who fancied himself a ladykiller;
Shaun, the pretty boy who was too worried about his image to let loose and have
fun. Ren went on all of these dates out of some misguided idea that she owed it
to herself to try, but each time she came home alone and empty-hearted.

One afternoon she went to the condo Lisa shared with her boyfriend,
Jordan, for a late season barbecue. It was nearing the middle of October by
then and most of the pretty autumn leaves were beginning to fall; wearing a
jacket outdoors had become a necessity. Still, Jordan had insisted on having a
barbecue party, which Lisa had shrugged off and said, “That’s Jordan. He thinks
he’s mightier than the weather.”

Still, that Saturday afternoon was actually quite lovely as they gathered
in Lisa’s small but well-maintained backyard. Jordan, who was six feet three with
blond hair and Captain America good looks, had invited two of his eligible
bachelor friends who all shared his stature and angular bone structure. Ren was
first introduced to Nicholas, a brown-haired son of a politician who had
impossibly white teeth. Still, he seemed nice enough as he shook her hand and
asked to be called Nick. He introduced himself briefly then ambled over to the
monstrous grill to talk to Jordan.