Taking Chances (11 page)

Alex released a breath and laced his fingers through hers.
She felt a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, as if whatever he was about to say was going to be awful and he needed her support to get through it.

“When I saw her that night, I couldn’t believe how she looked. Her hair was a stringy mess. She was thin; her arms looked like pencils, her eyes sunken deep into her face. She looked neglected and I wondered if she’d started using drugs. The change was so drastic that I almost didn’t recognize her. There was the wide smile I’d always recognize, but her eyes… they were wild and scared. She told me she slipped up when arguing with Eddie one night. He found out we’d slept together and he was furious. I tried to get her to come back with me, but she wouldn’t listen, she never did. Somehow, Eddie figured out where she was, and when he came into the shop, he saw us talking. He grabbed her by the arm and dragged her outside. I followed, trying to pull him off her, but I couldn’t put up a good fight. I was too weak and scrawny to take him on. I only remember hearing Mia scream. I tried to reach for her and she tried to grab my hand but Eddie punched me in the face.  The look on her face was the last thing I remember seeing before I
blacked out. She was terrified of him and trying to protect me, I don’t know. But whenever I see Mia in my mind, I see her that look. I’ll never be able to forget it.  When I woke up, I was in the hospital.”

Alex leaned forward, resting his forearms on his thighs, his head hung low. Clair scooted closer and looped her arm around his. He wiped his cheeks with his hand and she tried to hold back her own tears back as she felt them welling up. “How bad did he hurt you?” she whispered.

“I had a concussion and they wanted to keep me overnight for observation. I tried to leave. I needed to check on Mia but they wouldn’t let me. I had this sickening feeling that something horrible had happened to her and when I tried to call, I got no answer.  I even asked the nurse if they could find out if anyone with Mia’s name had been admitted, but they wouldn’t tell me anything since I wasn’t family. Finally, after enough begging and whining, I got a nurse to say someone with her name had been admitted not long after me, but that was all she told me. It was just as well, later that day, I found out all I needed to know by turning on the TV in my room. I learned everything from my hospital bed and put it all together later.”

“Apparently, Eddie dragged Mia back to his apartment to punish her for talking to me after he told her not to. He beat her so severely, she died from her injuries. Eddie didn’t know it at the time, but he killed two people that night.”

“Two?” Clair questioned, choking back a sob.

“Yes. She was pregnant.”

CHAPTER TWELVE

Alex

Mia
’s death was the worst part of his past. It was worse for him than his parents being killed by a drunk driver. Even worse than watching his grandparents’ slow decline. A little part of him would always feel responsible for what happened to her and what he lost.

He pursed his lips together to keep them from trembling. His eyes burned with unshed tears as he squeezed his lids tightly, refusing to cry
anymore than he already had in front of Clair. With the heel of his hand, he wiped his eyes and kept them straight ahead, staring at the blank television screen. He couldn’t look at her, too scared to see her reaction and what she might think of him now.

“Between me and Eddie, she didn’t know who the father was. Eddie never knew. She said she didn’t want to tell him until she had to. She thought maybe by the time he found out, he would forget we’d slept together. I didn’t know what to think at the time. I had to wait it out for six more months just to find out if I was the father. Then what? Be let down to know I wasn’t? Or let down because I was and yet she still refused me.  My mind was a wreck.
Then, later on. I found out that bastard beat her to death just because she was talking to me. I was… I was just so damn mad… at myself, at Mia, Eddie… everyone.” 

He sighed and looked over at Clair, ready to see the disgust on her face. Her head was down and her eyes closed. Tears dripped from her cheeks onto her legs and her hands were pressed over her mouth. Her body trembled as she tried to restrain her tears. Alex reached for her arm, pulling her hand away from her as a loud sob escaped her.

Clair shook her head, still looking toward the floor, “I’m... so… sorry.”

Her cries came harder and he was relieved that she wasn’t mad at him, but he still hated to see her cry. He wrapped his arm around her back, pulling her close to him against the couch. Wiping the tears from her cheeks, he soothed, “
Shhh, don’t cry.” She relaxed her head on his chest, wrapping an arm across him and resting it on his shoulder.

“It’s just awful that you had to deal with all that,” she mumbled against him.

He wiped her cheek again with his thumb, “I blamed myself for a long time. I felt like I didn’t try hard enough to stop Eddie or help Mia. I went from dealing with the death of my grandparents to dealing with the death of Mia in a short time.”

Clair sniffed and turned her head slightly. “Whatever happened to Eddie? He got caught, right?”

“Eddie hung himself while he was waiting for his trial to begin. I wanted to see him rot in prison for what he did, but he took the easy way out.”

“Did he ever find out about the baby?”

“I believe so. He was being tried on two counts of murder. I think that’s why he hung himself.”

“And you couldn’t request a DNA test to find out if it was your child?”

Alex sighed, “Yeah, I could have. But I didn’t know that was an option until way after the burial. I honestly don’t know if knowing would have made it any better. I will always just have to wonder.”

“I’m so sorry, Alex. How did you handle it all?”

“I didn’t. It destroyed me. After that, I left town. I had no reason to stay. Everyone I ever loved was gone from my life. I didn’t stop running for two years. When I came here a year ago, Roz took me in. I was a reckless person who didn’t care. She saved my life; I know I’d be dead if it weren’t for her.” Alex felt Clair’s arm tighten around his chest as she pushed her cheek harder against him.

“Remind me to thank Roz for saving you,” she cried.

He chuckled and kissed her forehead, running his fingers through her damp hair. “I’ve come a long way since Mia’s death, but it still hurts to talk about her. With Roz’s help, I was able to understand that it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t force Mia to pick her path. How she chose to live her life was up to her, and as a friend, all I could do was be there when she needed me. But that was a long time ago and I’m happy I’ve gotten past it. Believe me, I’m a better person for having been through all of this.”

“Thank you for sharing all of this with me, Alex.” Her fingers ran over the buttons on his shirt as she twisted them between her fingers. “You didn’t have to, but thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.”

Alex pulled her chin up to look at him. “I want you to know me, Clair, including my past and why I feel the way I do about certain things. We haven’t known each other long, but I like you. I don’t know what this is between us, but I want more. It’s been a long time since I’ve let anyone get close to me. I’ve been too scared to try, worried I’ll get hurt again. But I can’t keep thinking like that. I have to try. If I don’t take a chance on my feelings again, I’m only hurting myself and never finding out what might have been.”

Clair sat up, pulling away from him, as she wiped her cheeks. She shook her head, “I’m not what you need in your life right now, Alex. I have my own issues to work out, and I don’t want my baggage weighing you down. It wouldn’t be fair to you. Especially after all you’ve been through.”

He brushed her hair away from her face and tucked it behind her shoulder. “You can’t do it alone, Clair, and I want to be there for you. I want to help you.”

“How can you help me when I don’t even know what I need help with? I feel like I’m so messed up. I have a hard time trusting people, thanks to my mother. And I have no self-esteem, thanks to the people who have only used me to get what they want.”

“Clair, I would never take advantage of you, I would hope you believe that by now.”

She nodded, “Yes, I believe you wouldn’t harm me. You’ve had plenty of chances if you wanted to do that. But I can’t shake the doubt. Not sure I ever will. You say you like me
and all I can think of is why? What’s so special about me? Or maybe you’re just saying it to make me feel good, pitying me for what I’ve been through.”

“Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know; it’s just how my brain works. I told you, I’m messed up.”

“No, you’re not, we only need to change your way of thinking.” He paused for a minute, wondering what he could say now to convince her that what he felt for her was real. “Did you not feel anything, not a spark or anything when I kissed you last night?”

Clair looked away. “I don’t know,” she said shyly. “I assumed it was because we both got caught up in the moment.”

“Wow, I’m really disappointed. Am I that bad?” Alex
smiled, knowing the way she kissed him last night meant she felt it too.

“Umm, no, I didn’t say…”

“We’re going to try this again.” Alex interjected.

Clair’s eyes grew wide, “What, right now?”

“Yes, right now.”

He leaned in, licking his lips in preparation. Her chest rose up and down and her quickened breath blew across his lips. Alex barely touched her mouth with his, and when he looked at her eyes, they we closed. He reached for her neck, lightly tracing the length of it with the tips of his fingers. She tilted her head in response, giving in to his touch. Alex cupped her soft cheek. Gently, he pulled her to him, pressing his lips to hers; softly, as if her lips might shatter from the pressure of his kiss.

Clair moaned quietly when he sucked her bottom lip into his mouth. Her approval accelerated his breath and he ran his tongue over her lips, teasing her to part them. He kissed her slowly, tasting the sweetness of her tongue.

She reached her hand out and slid it up his chest, gripping the collar of his shirt to pull him closer. When she pulled his lip into her mouth, lightly nibbling it, Alex kissed her harder, deeper. His hands wanted to explore her, but he wouldn’t allow them. He slowed their kiss, pulling away from her slightly, trying
to regain his composure.

“Did you find the answer to your question?” she panted.

“Yes, I did.”

“Was it not good? You pulled away,” she asked.

Alex smiled and cupped Clair’s cheek, brushing his thumb over her lips. “No, your lips are incredible. I could kiss you over and over again until my lips hurt, and even then, I wouldn’t want to stop. But that’s not all I want, Clair. I don’t want to just get caught up in the moment with you and then it’s over. I need more out of a relationship than that.”

“Oh,” she said, sitting up straighter. She pulled away from him, her eyes wide and glassy.

“I have feelings for you.” Alex brushed the hair away from her face and he could see she was biting her lip. Pools of water filled her eyes, threatening to spill down her cheeks at any moment.  He didn’t understand why she was crying this time. Or if he said anything wrong. “I want to get to know you. Do you want to forget this ever happened and just be friends? Because I can’t go down that road again. Having feelings for someone you can never have is torture and I won’t put myself through that. Not again. I need to know how you feel.”

“No, that’s not what I want.” The tears spilled over her lids, sliding down her cheeks and she quickly wiped them away. She grabbed her glass off the coffee table and walked to the kitchen.

“No what? You don’t want to do this? Or you just want to be friends?” Alex stood behind her as she rinsed her glass out in the sink and set it on the counter.

Clair didn’t turn around when she spoke. “Like I said, it’s hard to trust people when you’ve been used so many times, and I promised myself I wouldn’t get involved with you.” She sniffed, wiping her cheeks again. “I’m scared,” her voice cracked. “I do have feelings for you. But I’m scared I’m going to get my heart broken, and I don’t know if I can go through that again. I don’t know if I want to take that chance.”

Alex grabbed her shoulder and turned her to face him. Her eyes were red and tears streaked down her face. He wiped them away, holding her face between his hands. “I don’t know what happened in your past, what he did to you, how he hurt you, but I’m not that guy. The only thing I want from you is you. I would never use you, Clair.  I can’t make you trust me, but if you let me, I’ll prove to you that you can. What good is life without taking a chance? Will you take a chance with me, Clair?”

Clair scanned his face, looking him in the eye as if she were trying to read his true intentions. She sighed, shut her eyes, and hung her head. Alex felt defeated. He exhaled and dropped his hands from her face. Stepping away, he walked toward the door, ready to leave.

“Alex, wait,” Clair called. She went up to him, leaving only a few inches between them. “To be perfectly honest with you, and myself, I like whatever this is. I didn’t expect this to happen. I definitely wasn’t looking for it. If you don’t feel like it’s working, don’t lead me on, just tell me. Okay? And I’ll do the same. But I want to try. I want to take that chance.”

Alex smiled sweetly, resting his hands on her hips. Pressing against her, he leaned in and kissed her softly under her
ear. “You won’t regret it. I promise,” he whispered.

“Do you have to go, or will you stay a little longer?” Clair asked.

“I’ll stay,” he smiled.” Alex took her hand and walked back over to the couch.

Clair turned on the TV and settled in close to him. He wrapped his arm around her, combing his fingers through her hair as she rested on his chest; both content to sit in silence.

Alex woke when Clair shifted her weight against him. She had buried her face in the crook of his neck, breathing slowly and evenly against his skin. He didn’t remember drifting off to sleep, but from what his watch read; they had fallen asleep for longer than an hour. Brushing her hair from her face caused Clair to stir and she opened her eyes.

“Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” Clair said groggily. “You shouldn’t have let me sleep.”

“We both fell asleep. Let’s get you in bed. I know you’re exhausted.” He slid his arm under her legs and around her back, lifting her up. Without protest, she wrapped her arm around his neck.

He stepped into the darkened room. The light from the living room cast a glow across her bed and he laid her down. Clair pulled her legs up, sliding them under the covers and Alex pulled them up and over her before sitting next to her on the edge of the bed.

“Do you need to take that off?” he asked as he reached for the necklace around her neck.

She grasped the charm, “No. I don’t take if off for anything. I haven’t since you put it on.”

“Oh okay. Good. I don’t want you having any bad dreams tonight.”

“I don’t think that’s possible, not tonight.”

Alex kissed her forehead, “Get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow night, okay?”

As he turned away, Clair grabbed his hand. “Stay?”

“Clair, I don’t thi—”

“Just for a little longer, until I fall asleep? I like you being here with me, and I don’t want to be alone right now.”

Alex could read the look in her eyes--longing  loneliness and need. They were the same feelings he felt. Sleeping in the same bed as her could lead to things he wasn’t ready for yet. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to stop himself if things got heated.  But this wouldn’t be one of those moments. He wouldn’t let it and neither would Clair. Alex pulled his shoes off and lay down, facing her on top of the covers. He put his arm around her waist and Clair cupped his cheek, kissing him softly on the lips.