TakeItOff (10 page)

Chapter Eight: Stripper Legends and Tall Tales

You hear a lot of stories backstage about a guy who knew a
guy. Sometimes maybe you put your own spin on them and pass them on. A few of
the classic ones have been around for years and refuse to die. Others are so
outrageous they can’t be true. Except for one thing—you know they’re true
because they happened to you.

Full Bush Monty

Years ago in Lubbock, Texas, a famous male exotic touring
group was arrested for simulating a sexual act. (This could be merely a hip
thrust toward a female.) Each town or state had different laws about how we
could perform, and this town was one of the stricter places.

One of the dancers arrested was a friend of ours and soon
after that show, he had another problem in Arizona at a civic center. The tour
bus pulled up and the guys unloaded the trailer. It was a new venue, and they
had arrived a few hours early for the setup. When they walked in, they realized
it was a three-hundred-sixty-degree amphitheater and the stage was about five
feet off the ground. The stage was circular and spun around the whole show.

Usually this is not a big deal, but this show had an opening
act requiring the dancers to turn their backs to the crowd, and drop towels to
reveal bare asses in a line onstage. This was impossible on the round, rotating
stage. In sheer terror, they realized they were going to have to go full Monty
right off the bat.

As they thought about how to remedy the situation, the dance
captain realized he hadn’t shaved “down there” since the tour started, and
there was no time now. But he agreed that the show must go on, so they decided that
when the towels dropped, they all would quickly grab the ol’ cock ‘n’ balls,
the lights would go off, and they would scurry quickly off the stage under
cover of darkness.

Just before show time, the doors opened and the crowd poured
in. They packed the place. The guys were ready for another great show. In their
towels, they walked in formation onto the stage. The lights came on and the
crowd raged. They started the act, and everything was working just as planned.
The crowd loved it. Towels dropped, and in a flash, the dancers cupped their
cocks…

Unfortunately, the lights didn’t go off! What the fuck? One
guy yelled at the six-man crew as they stood naked and vulnerable. They were
frozen stiff, and the cheers turned to laughter as a girl screamed, “Look at
that bush!”

The dance captain was beet red with embarrassment. Finally
the lights went out and the guys ran off as fast as possible. They didn’t
realize that the rotating stage would leave one guy on the opposite side of the
dressing room, forcing him to jump offstage and sprint around it in front of a
first row of girls. And as bad luck would have it, the lone runner was the bush
guy who already wanted to commit suicide right there. He made his mad dash
around the stage holding his completely flaccid hairy cock. He saw the doorway
and was in full sprint for it. He was almost there when another guy reminded
him that he had left his towel and boots on stage. He thought to himself, “Dumb
fucking prop guy didn’t get my stuff!”

He turned back and started his humiliating run of shame
again. By now, this hysterical show was giving the crowd laughter at his
expense. He finally made it to his prop area and let go of his penis so he could
grab the stage and climb onto it. His naked ass was spread apart as he threw
his leg up and over, giving the audience an angle of sight no man should ever
show. Hairy balls dangling below his spread butt cheeks for the whole world to
see. He made it up and grabbed his things. But between the boots, towel and
boxer briefs, both hands were full, and there was nothing to cover his nervous,
shriveled, hairy privates. He jumped down and did the run of shame again.

They finished the show, but the fantasy image the crowd once
had of the guys was never recovered. As they were leaving, they walked by a
group of girls outside. A dancer asked if the girls enjoyed the show. One girl
replied back, as she giggled, “We definitely got our money’s worth.”

Fake Cop, Real Cop

Once, we were getting ready for a strip-o-gram and parked
down the street to put the finishing touches on our cop outfits. As we were
doing this, a squad car pulled up. The cops made us put up our hands, frisked
us at gunpoint and threatened to arrest us for impersonating police officers.
They didn’t believe us when we told them that we were preparing for a
strip-o-gram. We pleaded with them and gave them the address of the place we
were supposed to appear.

Two more squad cars pulled up and surrounded our car, and
the original two cops went to the address we gave them to check out our story.
After about twenty minutes, they came back with their uniforms crooked and
askew. They were laughing and said the women at the party had thought they were
the strippers. They let us go and told us to have a good time.

Rookie Initiation Blues

There was this guy you would have to see in order to fully
appreciate his size. He was that rare combination of tall and muscular. If you
knew him, he was a gentle giant, a super nice stoner.

However, if you were a rookie, it was a show for everyone
but you. On a few occasions, this six-foot-five guy would walk up to a rookie
in the dressing room, dead serious, not cracking a small smile, and at the top
of his lungs yell, “Touch my cock, rookie!”

Shocked and not sure what to do, the rookie would usually
just stare at this stone-faced giant. “Just do it!” he commanded again. At this
point the rookie was in a state of disbelief, wondering if he would rather look
gay to the guys or get beat up by this scary dude.

Then the big guy grabbed the rookie by the back of his head
and yanked him forward, knocking their foreheads together. The poor rookie was
usually about to cry at this point. He finished off by yelling loudly at the
rookie,”Arrrggghhh! I hate these fucking rookies!”

Inevitably, they had a deer-in-headlights look. If he
decided the rookie was cool, he ended the joke with a smile and laugh, but if
he didn’t, the joke continued for up to a week, terrorizing the rookie.

Another favorite prank is to send a rookie on a strip-o-gram
to a gay bar. The instruction would be as follows: Go to this address. This is
a surprise for the birthday girl so just go to the middle of the dance floor
and rip off your clothes!

After about a minute, the guy usually notices only guys are
watching, and they are a little too happy to see him. One guy actually danced a
full song before realizing where he was.

Sometimes when a rookie came to the back, we bum rushed him,
dog piled him, picked him up and closed him in his locker. We told him if he
broke it trying to get out, he had to pay to fix it or the owner would fire
him. He usually stuck it out for about five minutes before we let him out.

At the first club where we worked, if you weren’t a veteran,
you’d better not pass out in the back. Even knowing that, many times some fool
still did, either from too much alcohol or too many drugs. When he passed out,
the damage done to him depended on how much the other guys respected him. If a
vet of many years passed out, he got a pass. However, when a rookie did, it was
epic! One time, a guy who had been there over a year passed out around one in
the morning. The guys took off his clothes and wrote obscene epithets all over
his body with a Sharpie. But the worst time was when they took a gorilla
costume, laid it out like there was someone in it, and put the mouth of the
gorilla mask over the dancer’s cock, making it look as if the gorilla was
sucking him off. Photos were taken. Another time, two rookies passed out and
they were stripped naked and put in the sixty-nine position.

There used to be a bench press in the locker room. Whenever
a guy was about to go onstage, he would “pump up”. When a rookie was back
there, a guy would get under the bench press machine and act as if eight reps
were impossible. Mind you, it was only one hundred and thirty-five pounds.

So the guy would get off the bench, looking all defeated and
home in on the rookie. “I bet you can’t do six!” he would challenge.

The rookie
always
accepted. At this point, everyone
back there would start gathering around the bench press. There were all kinds
of bets going on while the confident rookie prepared to show his strength! One…two…three…four…he
did with ease. But after he finished the fifth rep, the guys held down the
barbell on his chest and pinned him there, while a few of the others whipped
out their cocks and beat his forehead with them. Just about the funniest thing
we ever saw!

Once we told a new guy on a roadshow that it was mandatory
to tie off. He was really nervous because it was his first show. We gave him a
Playboy
and some rubber bands. I got in one stall and another guy in the third stall,
with the rookie in the middle. We started making noises like we were jerking
off to make him believe we were all tying off. We made so much noise, we
completely distracted him to the point he couldn’t get it up. The pressure was
too much. After a couple minutes, we rushed him by saying we were up next for a
group act. He came out of the stall exhausted and sweaty with rubber bands all
around his half-limp cock and balls.

Dicking Around

One dancer we knew had to whip out his cock constantly. It
was a phase he was going through, apparently. He got really creative about it
too because after sooo many cock shots, the guys knew to expect it and learned
to avoid it. The guy started putting cock holes in everything he could. “Hey,
you thirsty?” he would ask an unsuspecting victim. Holding a foam cup in his
hand, he took the lid off and showed his penis sticking through the bottom of
the cup and said, “It’s a penis colada!” He also started making outfits and
costumes for his penis and drawing faces on it. There was penis Elvis, penis
puppet and the penis party hat.

Something about a Man in Uniform

On a packed Saturday night, a group was at the club to
celebrate a birthday party. Everyone was having a good time when one of the
girls had an epileptic seizure from the strobe lights. The place was so packed
with women going wild that only the party and surrounding crowd saw her go
down. The girls she was with dialed 9-1-1. In a short time, firemen and
paramedics showed up. When they walked in, the crowd started cheering, thinking
they were part of the show.

Looking around confused and surprised, one of the firemen
started moving his shoulders up and down to the beat. The crowd got louder.
Then the other cracked a smile and put his hands in the air. Now the crowd was
really loud, and the firemen seemed to instinctively start pelvic thrusting.
They worked their way through the crowd, still smiling and pelvic thrusting
until they got to the girl on the floor. By the time they got out of the place,
they had dollars stuffed in their pants and shirts. No doubt it was a distress
call they will always remember!

Dumb and Dumber

Sometimes we performed at Latin clubs throughout the
metropolitan area, usually at midnight on weekdays. They hired us to attract
more girls to their clubs. One dancer always had to have the most detailed and
intricate acts. One night he decided that his transformer act needed more power
than the sparklers could provide. The house was packed and he was the second or
third guy up. One minute into his routine he lit up a bottle rocket and fired
it up into the rafters twenty feet above. The ceiling caught fire immediately.
The crowd rushed out and the firemen were called. Luckily the staff was able to
grab a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. Another time, a dancer who had a
construction worker act tried to take his chainsaw onto the plane as a carry-on.
All we could see and hear was “We need security!” We almost missed our flight.

Think Fast

One dancer was hooked on GHB back in the day and would
frequently get pretty messed up. He was actually hilarious most of the time,
but this wasn’t one of them. We were in the middle of a roadshow when I looked
over at him. He was literally two inches away from the girl who was working the
door, just staring her down. She was getting freaked out and let the owner
know. Who just happened to be her daddy. He approached us and said, “You need
to do something about your friend!” We grabbed him and pulled him across the
main dance floor toward the dressing room. We had to pass in front of the stage
and when we got to the very middle, he whipped out his cock and pissed on the
dance floor!

Immediately, we yell out, “It’s okay! He’s diabetic! His
blood sugar is low!” Needless to say, we never performed there again.

Shades of Deliverance

We had a show in some very small Texas town in the middle of
nowhere, population nothing. We were starving and the only place we could eat
was a double-wide trailer made into a restaurant. We had a black dancer with
us, and I don’t believe they were too happy about that. They made a point of
serving him last, and we couldn’t wait to get out of there. When we arrived at
the show, which was in a dive bar, we saw a guy getting a tattoo in front of
the place—literally getting inked by the front door. It was a weird town, but
the show ended up being pretty good.

Great Balls of Fire

Working in a strip club is a little like being in a
fraternity. Guys like to play pranks on each other, and the Icy Hot G-string is
one of our favorites. A guy will take a shower and leave his G-string on the
counter, and someone will grab it and rub the inside down with Icy Hot. When he
puts it on, his balls and ass will feel like they are on fire.