Tainted Grace (21 page)

It had taken us about half an hour to clear the slough and enter Puget Sound. Once we were well away from the mainland, we all sat at the galley table studying a map while the boat drifted lazily.

“
Sucia Island should be in this general direction,” said Gus. “So I suggest we just keep heading west, making sure to keep this bit of land to our south.” He pointed to another island on the map. “Nate what’s the fuel status?”

“Tank’s seven eights full.”

“Fucking A. Finally some good luck,” said Gus.

“How long do you think it’ll take to get there?” I asked.

“Several hours. I don’t want to push the engine and risk a breakdown,” said Nathan.

“Do we have an anchor?” asked Boggs.

“Yes sir,” said Nathan.

“What if we sleep at sea for the night?
Hit the island in full daylight?”

“Sounds like the best plan to me,” said Gus.

“There’s four bunks in the back, and the younger girls can share one. They’re asleep together right now, sharing a sleeping bag,” said Susan. “One or two of us should always stay awake anyway.”

“Good thinking Sue,” said Boggs.
He was the only one of us who shortened her name. I didn’t particularly like the token of affection. She didn’t deserve it after what she had done to him in the past.

“Zoe, you should get some sleep,” said Emilie.

“I’m not sure I can.”

“Zo, how about you and I take the first shift?” asked Boggs.
“We can talk for a while.”

I was dreading talking to him, but nodded my head.
“Sure.”

“Emilie, can you stay with the girls?
I’m really worried about Abbey, and Jane isn’t saying much,” I added.

“I’ll keep an eye on them, no worries,” she said in reply.

“Nate, you and Susan can rest for a spell. I’ll keep watch with Boggs,” said Gus.

“Sounds good.
Emilie, go ahead and use the second sleeping bag. I’ll lay down with Susan and we can keep each other warm,” said Nathan. I knew he wasn't being kinky, just practical.

That left me alone for a stretch with Boggs and Gus.
Lovely.

“Ok, then,” said Gus.
“Nathan you seem to have nautical skills. Let’s drop anchor for the night.”

“My dad took me out on the water a lot before he died,” said Nathan.
“We’ll want to drop anchor where it’s not too deep, but I don’t want to get too close to land. Puget Sound is really deep. We need to account for the tide too.”

Nathan and Gus were studying the map together while Boggs was searching the galley.

“We’re closest to Orcas Island, here,” said Nate as he pointed at a spot on the map. “It should be shallow enough to anchor just north of this cove here,” he pointed again, and marked the map with a pen.

“I’m gonna go check on the girls,” I whispered to Emilie.

She nodded.

The little bunk room was just that. Little. There were two small bunks built into the walls on each side, which were painted a dark blue. The bunks themselves were narrower than a twin bed. The mattresses were thin foam covered in a plastic coating, a lot like gym mats. Abbey and Jane were sleeping side by side, filling the sleeping bag. Jane’s head was resting on her teddy bear. Her ginger hair was matted and she looked younger than her years while she slept. Abbey’s eyes looked sunken in her sleep. She was pale and looked so fragile. I spotted two tall closets at the far end of the room, so walked to them in hopes of finding supplies. The first one was empty. The second held two wool blankets and two pillows. They smelled of age and mildew, but I was glad to salvage them. I set one of the blankets on a bunk for Nathan and Susan to use, and set a pillow on another bunk for Emilie. I took the other pillow to where the girls slept, lifted Abbey’s head carefully, and slid it beneath. Thankfully she slept through my fidgeting with her. I leaned over and kissed them each on the cheek. Jane stirred, and popped her thumb back into her mouth. I gathered the remaining wool blanket in my arms and carried it back up the stairs that led to the deck. Nathan and Gus were at the wheel and we were on the move again. The sun was starting to fade and I heard the barking of a sea lion nearby. I wondered if the sea life had taken notice of the changes on land.

“Whatcha find, Zo?” asked Boggs.
He had his arms full with one of the boxes we had carried on board.

“A couple blankets and pillows.”

“That’s real good,” he said. The conversation felt forced and awkward. “I’ll be back up in a few minutes. I just want to take our food to the galley. Have something ready for when the girls wake up.”

“That’s nice of you, Boggs,” I managed to say.

I watched as he went below deck. He had to duck his head at the bottom before entering the galley. It wasn’t a huge boat. Perhaps thirty feet long at most. We were lucky to have come across it. I carried the wool blanket to the rear of the boat, stumbling a bit as we rode the small waves of the Sound. I sat on one of the two small bench seats that sat beside a large cooler of sorts. The vinyl cushions were a cream color with blue and yellow pinstripes. It was cold on deck and the air smelled of winter and salt. I unfolded the blanket and wrapped it around my shoulders.

“Penny for your thoughts,” Gus said.
I looked up to see him standing in front of me, looking down curiously.

“It’s cold out here.”

“If you and Boggs want to sit in the galley and talk, I can manage to keep a lookout up here for a while.”

“I don’t want to be alone with him yet,” I mumbled.

Gus sighed heavily. “Zoe, I don’t think he’s gonna do anything to hurt you again. But if you want me at your side when you talk, then that’s where I’ll be.” His eyes looked tired.

“You need sleep, Gus.”

“Once we’re all safe, Zoe.”

He stepped to the other seat and made himself comfortable.
He leaned back and closed his eyes. I wrapped the blanket more tightly around myself and bowed my head in hopes of sparing my nose from the cold breeze that was coming down from the nearby mountains and sweeping across the salt water.

I felt the boat slow and before long it was just rocking gently in the water.
I was ready to fall asleep from the lulling motion when I felt Boggs’ hand on my shoulder. I looked up and met his eyes.

“Hey,” he said softly.
“Nathan got us anchored, so now we’ll just wait till morning before going ashore. Everyone else is settled below, except Gus.”

I looked over to where Gus had been sitting.
He was gone now.

“Where is he?” I asked.

“I asked him to keep watch from the bow so we could talk.”

I nodded.
“’Kay.”

Boggs held a hand out to me.
“Let’s go sit by the wheel under cover. There should be more wind protection in there.”

I went ahead and took his hand and stood.
My muscles had grown stiff and I wondered how long I had been sitting wrapped in the blanket. Once I was standing, I took my hand from Boggs’ and stuffed it under the blanket. I followed him to the bridge of the boat and waited for him to sit. He looked displeased when I took the seat across from him instead of beside him.

“Zoe,” he said.
“I’m so so so sorry about grabbing you like I did. Even more so about slapping you. I know it wasn't right and I know it scared you.”

I remained quiet.

“How can I make this better, Zo? What can I do?”

I took a deep breath.
“Boggs. You did more than scare me. You hurt me.”

He took a big deep sigh and hung his head.

“I have bruises on my arms, Boggs. You crushed my spirit. I keep trying to tell myself it’s not that big of a deal, but it is. It’d be easier to just brush it off and try to go back to how we were, I know that, but I can’t just pretend it never happened.”

Boggs was now holding his head in his hands, his fingers tensely grabbing at his hair.

“We used to be best friends, once upon a time. That changed. Then you come back and the whole world got screwed over. Maybe we weren’t meant to be more than friends, Adam.”

He looked up at those words, his eyes wide with confusion, like he was trying to process what I had just said.
Finally, he blinked.

“I don’t believe that for a second, Zoe.
And I don’t think you do either.”

“This all happened so fast, Boggs.
Maybe I’m right.”

He looked vulnerable all of a sudden, and scared.
My heart was twisting.

“I love you, Zoe Kate.
More than I can say.”

“You don’t hurt the people that you love, Boggs,” was all I could think of to say.

“Zoe, I got so angry when I realized you had put yourself in danger. And our baby, for God sake. You realize that fucking dead girl could have killed both of you?”

“I’m not stupid, Boggs.”
I was growing angry.

“Of course you aren’t.
But that was a stupid thing to do, and I think you know that.”

“I had to know.
And your apology isn’t exactly sounding very heartfelt.”

“Sorry.”

“Sorry because you’re sorry or sorry for not being heartfelt?”

“Both.”

“I need some time, Boggs, to figure it all out.”

“Fair enough.
Just…please don’t shut me out, Zo.”

“Fair enough,” I echoed him.

“You never told me what Gus found down by the river, when he examined you.”

“He said my uterus feels farther along than I am.”

“What does that mean?”

I shrugged.
I had been trying to not think about that. “I guess it could just be my anatomy. Gus said we’ve all lost weight, and maybe it’s just that. Could be twins. It’s just impossible to say.”

“Fuck,” was all he said.

“Yeah, right?”

“Did he say everything else is going ok?”

I recalled our passionate encounter by the river, and the intensity with which we had both climaxed. I felt my face flushing and steered my thoughts in another direction. “As far as he can tell.”

Boggs stood slowly and walked toward me.
“Can I sit by you?”

I looked at him and sighed.
“Yes, but I’m not ready for more than that.”

He knelt down in front of me and moved his head to my lap, resting an ear on my belly.
He sat there, as if listening, for a long moment before lifting his head to look at me. His bright blue eyes were red-rimmed and filled with tears. “I’m so sorry, Zoe.” He hung his head again and this time just rested it on my lap. I put my right hand on his head gently, and swept his curls back. I was so torn. I loved this man in so many ways. I was carrying his child. I wanted to put this behind us and love him as a lover should. Gus crept into my mind.

Morning had come far too early.
I had moved from the deck to the cabin below while Gus and Boggs finished their shift. Cold, I had climbed into the sleeping bag with Emilie. The bunk was far from comfortable, but I was glad to have a place to lie down. Nathan and Susan were not among us, and I figured they were taking a turn on deck. Emilie woke beside me as I stirred.

“Morning, Zoe,” she said as she stretched.

“Hey Em. Sorry I woke you.”

“Nah,” she said as she yawned.
“It’s a big day, might as well start early. I slept all night anyway. Hey, are the girls awake?”

I looked over to where Abbey and Jane had slept, and saw that the bunk was empty.
“I should go find them,” I said, feeling a sense of urgency.

“They’re out on deck with Susan and Nate,” mumbled Gus.

“When did you guys come back down?” I asked.

“A couple hours ago.
Susan and Nate relieved us.”

Boggs was still snoring.
I heard Emilie’s stomach growl loudly.

“Hungry?” I asked.

She nodded in reply, looking groggy from a night’s sleep.

“Let’s go eat.
Boggs carried the food into the galley,” I said

“Is there a bathroom?
I need to pee like a mo-fo.”

“Just go off the side, Red,” said Gus.
I heard him chuckle.

“Funny, Gussie.”

“Just past the closets there’s another door. Nate said the water tanks are low, so you know how it goes…if it’s yellow let it mellow…”

Em finished the saying. “If it’s brown flush it down.”
She rolled her eyes.

I used the small bathroom after Emilie was done and then we both walked to the galley.
We settled on canned carrots and oatmeal for breakfast. Selections were limited. No food had been left on board, so all we had was what we had carried with us. We shared a bottle of water.

“Make me any?” asked Gus as he walked in, wearing just his boxers and a t-shirt. He stretched, then wrapped his arms around Emilie and kissed her on the forehead.

“No, but I will,” she said as she smiled.

Gus leaned down and gave her a peck on the lips.
“Thanks, darlin’.”

“I should go check on the girls,” I said, feeling awkward.

“Zoe,” said Gus to stop me. “Did you and Boggs have a chance to talk?”

I nodded
.

“Everything go ok?”

“I guess,” I mumbled.

“Ok.”

I headed up the steps to the deck, welcoming the morning air. Clouds were dotting the sky in all directions. The sun rising was streaking the sky in shades of orange and red that reminded me of that first fateful day when the dead had risen to rule the world. A slight breeze blew, but for being out on the water it was eerily calm. The air was brisk, but felt warmer than it had at dusk.

Susan, Nathan, and both the younger girls were assembled at the rear of the boat fiddling with fishing poles.

“Hey guys,” I said. “Whatcha doing?”

“Morning, Zoe,” said Susan.
She was smiling, and looked genuinely happy. The four of them almost looked like a family. Granted Susan had olive skin and almost black hair, Jane was pale as can be with red hair and freckles, and Nathan and Abbey looked like they could be siblings with their skin tone, eye and hair color. Abbey obviously trusted Nathan, which made sense since they had been part of the same group for so many weeks. I wondered if the four of them might find happiness as a family. I was particularly fond of Jane, but would be happy to see her take to any of us and be happy.

Jane looked up at me and smiled.
It was an uplifting sight. “Nate found fishin’ poes!”

I chuckled under my breath at her pronunciation of ‘poles.’
“Super cool,” I said, slightly dramatically.

“Looks like this boat must have been used mostly for fishing,” Nate added.
“It’s pretty loaded with tackle and poes,” he winked at me. “The cooler there between the seats is meant to keep the day’s catch cool. My old man used to have an onboard cooler like it, but smaller.”

“Think we can catch anything?” I asked.

“Heck yes,” said Nate. “Should be lots of good things down there.” He motioned to the water with a tilt of his head. “Salmon, cod, halibut. Even dog fish.”

“Dog fish?” squealed Jane.
“Ewww!” Her freckled nose wrinkled.

Susan chuckled.
“Nate, what are dog fish?”

“Pretty much small sharks.
You’ll catch a lot of them while bottom fishing, when your line is about half way down or so. They go after bait really easily. Not the tastiest things, a bit rubbery, but I’ve fried ‘em before in little strips and they’re ok.”

“Sounds gross,” said Abbey.
She sounded so sad.

“Abbey, you hanging in there?” I asked.

She shook her head back and forth. “I can’t get her out of my head. How much pain she was in. How pale she got, all the blood…”

“Abbey, honey,” said Susan.
“It’s gonna take time. We’ve all been through so much.”

Abbey wiped a tear from her eye and nodded her head.
“Yes, I guess. It’s just so hard.”

Miss Abbey seemed to be growing up too fast.
I blamed the world around us for that. My heart was aching for her.

“Nate?” I asked to grab his attention.

“Huh?” He was busy tying a lure to a line.

“We’re headed to the island today, right?”

“That’s the plan, yup.”

“Maybe you and Susan should stay on board with the girls.”

“I was thinking maybe you, Susan, and Emilie might want to stay on board with the little ones while we guys clear the island.” He had stopped tying the line to look at me.

“Susan?
Mind if I borrow Nathan for a minute?”

“Sure, Zoe, just bring him back in one piece.”

I walked to the bow of the boat, knowing Nathan would follow me.

“What’s up, Zoe?”

“I know Gus and Boggs will say the same thing you just did. I just wanted to talk alone before we all talk it over.”

“Ah, you want to get me on your side huh?” he smirked.

“Abbey and Jane seem to really be taking to you and Susan. I think you should stay behind, keep the girls busy. Maybe teach them how to fish. Em is good with a gun, and I’m not bad myself. Plus, if there happen to be any Runners on land I can help warn the others.”

Nathan crossed his arms over his chest, looked at his feet, and was obviously busy thinking.
“You make a good case, but Gus and I have the most shooting experience. How about if we leave Boggs behind and I go?”

“He won’t let me go unless he’s there, Nathan.
And seeing you and Susan with the girls. Like it or not, I think you have yourself a family, Nate.”

He sighed deeply.
“Kinda looks that way, huh?”

“Stay here with them, Nate.
If anything happens to us, they’ll need you.”

“You’re a good woman, Zoe.
You have a kind heart.”

“Thanks.”

“Since we’re alone, Zoe,” he said, “try not to hurt Boggs too bad, or Emilie, ok?”

I glared at him, my cheeks suddenly hot.
“Nate, don’t say anything. None of us want to hurt anyone. It was just a stupid mistake.”

“Zoe, you can tell yourself that all you want.
I’ve seen how he looks at you. The others will notice soon enough. You and Gus are walking a fine line together.”

“I know.”

“Ok.”

“’Kay.
Go teach the girls how to fish…”

He walked back to the fishing party and left me at the bow of the boat.
I leaned against the rail that skirted the entire deck. It was fiberglass, off-white in color, with a metal rail topping it off. It was maybe four feet tall and had small openings at the bottom to allow for water drainage. I looked out at the island in the distance. I could see evergreen trees dotting the shore. Orcas, I think someone had said. I knew Orcas Island was home to a small population of humans. As I focused at the tree line and inhaled the sea air a couple of seagulls flew overhead, calling to each other in high pitched screams. I watched one dive-bomb the water below me, and end in a nice float. Something on the island caught my attention, and I focused back on the shoreline. There, stumbling amongst the stones of the rocky shore was a Roamer. I could hear its signature deep within my mind, but weakly. We were too far away for a strong signal.

“Hey Zoe,” Gus’ voice interrupted my focus.

I turned to him and blinked a few times. “Hey.”

“You ok out here?” he asked.

“Of course. That’s Orcas Island over there, right?”

“Yup.”

“There’s a zombie on the shore.”

I heard him sigh.
“Orcas has a pretty good population. I’m sure there’s more than one. Zoe, we need to talk.”

“Where’s Emilie?” I asked.

“She’s still below, cooking for everyone. I guess she found some dehydrated eggs.”

I turned my back to him to look out at the water.
“Nathan knows.”

“I’ve talked to him already.”

“Gus. I can’t do this to them. To Boggs and especially to Emilie.”

“I know, Zoe.
I can’t help how I feel, but for now I know we need to cool it.”

“
Yeah. Gus, Boggs was crying last night. He’s heartbroken over what he did.”

“I’m hoping we’re ok, Zoe.
I don’t regret things. I can’t, and I won’t, regret what we did. Right now, though, we have to focus on staying alive. On making a home.”

“I agree.”

“Nathan told me about your proposed plan for today.”

“It only makes sense.
Gus, please don’t argue with me on this.”

“You’re right.”

I looked at him sideways, not expecting him to have agreed with me.

“I’ll make sure Boggs is cool with it,” he added.
“Let’s go grab something to eat, and then get to work for the day, ok?”

“I already ate.”

“Oatmeal and canned carrots aren’t enough for you and the baby, Zoe. You need the protein from the eggs.”

I nodded.
“Ok. I’ll be down in a minute.”

He stepped forward, took hold of me by the arms.
It was the same place Boggs had grabbed and shaken me, but Gus’ hold on me felt so tender, so light. He leaned forward and kissed me gently, on the cheek where Boggs had slapped me, right beside my lips. He lingered there, breathing onto me. “It’ll all be ok, Zoe, somehow…”              

As quickly as he had stepped forward, he let go of my arms, turned, and walked away.
I still felt the warmth from his lips on my face. I felt a deep sadness inside. An emptiness.

Everyone had crowded into the galley, and Emilie was divvying out small servings of rehydrated eggs and oatmeal.
The galley was too small to hold all eight of us, so I took my portion of eggs and walked to the bunk room with it, where Boggs was already busy eating.

“Morning Zo,” he said with his mouth full.

“Did Gus talk to you about our trip ashore?”

“
Yes, it makes sense. I’d rather you stay behind, but it makes sense.”

“Oatmeal’s pretty plain, huh?”

“Yeah, but it’s warm so I won’t complain.”

“I just heard Nathan promise to make dinner while we’re all gone.
He thinks he can land a big fish.”

“That’d be awesome,” said Boggs.

“I think it’ll be good for the girls. Fishing, I mean. Well, plus a good meal.”

“Hopefully it’ll help take Abbey’s mind off of Kelsey for a bit.”

“I hope so,” I said, then shoved a bite of eggs into my mouth. They, too, were plain, but I knew the nutrition was needed. I was thankful to have them.

We finished our food in silence.