Swoon (14 page)

“That’s… really cool, Steph. Thanks for bringing me along.” I was sincerely looking forward to the day. “What’s today’s project?”

She glanced down to her feet. “Well, this particular group happens to have all daughters. I’ve never had an all-girls group before. So we’re bedazzling flip-flops.”

I started to laugh. “I’m losing my man card today, aren’t I?”

She nodded. “Long gone.”

Chapter 15

Steph

I
put my car in park in front of an old red dairy barn. Chinese lanterns had been hung on the high beams, and they swayed in the breeze waving through the open center aisle. I bet it looked magical and romantic in the dark when they were all lit up, but during the day it looked cheerful and festive. Picnic tables were set inside and out around the barn with candles and mason jars full of wildflowers clustered in the middle of each one. Families were standing around chatting, looking happy and at ease, the four couples holding hands tightly and six little girls of various ages darting around their legs. One of the men had a brand-new baby in his arm, cradling it like a lifeline. Another had his arm around his wife and her extremely pregnant belly.

Lawrence helped me unload a large cooler full of snacks and lunch from the back of my car, plus a bag of size-small pink flip-flops and everything we needed to decorate them. We set the supplies on a side table, and I saw Bob walk out of the barn. I nodded to Lawrence to follow me over, stuffing my hands in my pockets to keep from holding his hand.

“Steph!” Bob’s loud and boisterous voice boomed. “Welcome back!”

He extended his big arms and enfolded me in a bear hug, lifting my feet off the ground. Bob had become sort of a grandfather figure for me over the past few months. He looked gruff, but there wasn’t a stern bone in his body. Not to me anyway. And he looked like Santa.

Setting me on my feet, he turned to Lawrence. The men shook hands, and Lawrence smiled and introduced himself, and I gave him credit that he barely flinched when Bob’s meaty fist squeezed tight enough to make Lawrence’s hand change colors. I discreetly winked at him.

“So.” I looked to Bob. “What are the grown-ups doing while we babysit?”

His green eyes were twinkling, crinkled at the edges. “Wine tasting and lunch at a brewery. Doesn’t get much better than that, eh?”

“Something for everyone,” I remarked as we all chuckled.

Bob took us over to the families, introducing us. They, in turn, introduced us to their girls, who were more than happy to play with us and have our undivided attention. They were especially excited about our craft project. All the girls seemed older than their years as they hugged their parents and then ran over to where Lawrence was setting out some food.

I’d been talking to the couple with the brand-new baby boy. The wife, Tracy, was adorable and blond and fresh faced despite faint circles under her eyes. It would have been weird to have a newborn and not develop those. Her husband, John, was a pilot in the Air Force. He was, of course, seriously hot with clean-cut, dark hair and a strong, scruffy jaw, but it contrasted with his soft brown eyes. I wondered if they were always that way or only when he looked at his family. I learned that Jason was their first child, and he was just a month old. John had only returned home last week.

When I reached out my hands to see if they’d like me to take the baby for a little while, John’s arm tightened around his son. He blinked his eyes quickly as if to clear them and smiled tightly, embarrassment tingeing his cheeks.

Tracy put an arm around her husband’s waist. Smiling at me, she said, “I think we’ll be unpopular and take Jason with us today. He’s not quite ready to let him go.” She nodded at John.

I bit my lip, smiling. “I don’t blame you. You guys have a great time.”

I watched them as they climbed into the limo that Bob had procured to take the families out for the day, then turned to check on Lawrence and all the girls. He was sitting in the grass, cross-legged, telling some story with lots of hand movement that had all the kids riveted, sitting in a cluster facing him as they ate their sandwiches. I took a moment to appreciate the scene before heading over to listen.

“So it turned out the stable hand was actually the prince. And the princess was so upset that she stormed off for a long time.” Lawrence shook his head grimly.

A little girl with red ringlets raised her hand and spoke up. “I don’t understand. Why would the princess be mad he was a prince? Isn’t the princess supposed to marry a prince?”

He solemnly shook his head again. “This princess wasn’t interested in getting married yet. And she knew the prince was the one she was supposed to be with. She wanted to be friends with a stable boy and have fun mucking out stalls with him. But that’s all.” He held his hands up in the air.

I was chewing my lip, unsure if I was annoyed or amused. Both, if I was being honest.

“She wanted to pick up poop?” another little girl asked, her eyes round.

“Yes, Sarah.” Lawrence nodded with a straight face. “She just wanted to clean up poop.”

The girls all looked at each other and shrugged.

“Okay!” I clapped my hands, drawing the ridiculousness in front of me to a close. “Who’s ready to have some fun?”

* * * *

Lawrence

I should have been embarrassed to admit how much I was enjoying myself. The little girls were adorable and hysterical. The shit that came out of their mouths…

We learned a lot about their parents.

I looked down at the flip-flops on my feet. I had actually worn my favorite leather ones today. But by the end of the day, they’d been emasculated by giant rhinestones, sequins, glitter, and bows. It was worth ruining them. The girls giggled like crazy, and seeing them happy was all that mattered.

Except I had to stand in the world’s most ridiculous shoes while a bunch of badass military dudes helped their wives out of the limo, the kids running over to hug their parents.

“Sorry about your shoes,” Steph said quietly, walking up from behind me.

“No you’re not,” I said with a smile.

She laughed. “No. I’m not.”

We watched the families greet one another, and then they started to make their way over to us. Everyone did a quick double take at my feet. I made a point to stand tall and grin confidently. Steph made a point to bounce on her toes and grin wickedly.

We spoke with the various families, all the girls telling stories about our afternoon. The couple with the newborn stood a little to the side, no doubt feeling left out since their only child could hardly hold his head up. I kept making accidental eye contact with the guy holding his baby, because every time I looked around, he was studying me. It was weird. But I gave a brief smile every time and returned to the conversations around me.

Eventually he walked up and reintroduced himself since we had briefly met when Steph and I first arrived. I was glad he did though, because I couldn’t remember names past the initial introduction.

“I’m John,” he said, extending a hand.

“Lawrence,” I said as we shook.

“Yeah, I remember.” He nodded with a thoughtful look on his face.

There was an awkward moment of silence, which was rare for me to have.

“Was the baby good?” I gestured to the little boy sacked out in the crook of his daddy’s arm.

John smiled and looked at his son. “Yeah. Jason’s perfect. All the time.”

We heard John’s wife snort in the background. She was chatting with Steph but must have overheard her husband.

He grinned sheepishly. “Okay, maybe not all the time. But he’s perfect to me. And so is my wife.” His volume rose slightly at the end.

I saw her roll her eyes, but they were shining with love anyway.

Another silent moment.

“Good to be back?” Of course it was good to be back. I was stupid. Apparently I didn’t do quite well at the small talk.

John nodded his head, then cocked it to the side, still regarding me with an expression I couldn’t define. Finally, he took a deep breath. “Did you have a brother?”

I only took in the
did
part of his question. He’d known Shane.

I sucked my lip between my teeth, the sharp sting composing me. And I nodded. “Shane.”

“You look the same. We were stationed together. Good man.”

“He was.” I smiled. “The best.”

“I, um…” He swallowed hard. “I was there.”

Our eyes met.

“There?” I asked.

“When he was hit. I was there. With him. Just… I was just far enough away.”

My eyes started to sting, and I clenched my teeth together tightly to keep from losing it. I’d never heard many details of Shane’s death. I was sure my parents had protected me from them as much as they could. Sometimes, though, imagination was worse than reality.

Sometimes not.

I said nothing. Because I couldn’t.

“He was brave. And strong. I don’t know how to say this without sounding stupid, but… he was okay. He said he was okay. I believe he was okay.”

I blew out a breath. And looked up.

“Thank you. Honestly. It helps to know he had someone there who… cared about him. I’ve… I’ve found some sort of closure, or peace maybe, with him dying. You have to, you know? I’m alive and he’s not, and he would never want anyone whining over him. He knew the risk going over there and he joined willingly. I miss him and I always will. But I… we, my whole family… we’re okay.” I laughed with little humor. “I guess we’re all just really fucking okay.”

The corners of John’s mouth turned up in a smile. It was a smile that only people who have lost could pull off. It was a smile of understanding, sadness, but also a fuck you to life. We’ve all lived it. You could choose to be happy. Or not. You could dwell. Or not. It wasn’t an easy choice. But it was a choice.

“Can you tell me about that day?” I finally asked, finally ready to hear it.

* * * *

Steph and I climbed into her car not too much later. I thanked John before we left and exchanged contact information. I’d be surprised if I ever heard from him again, but I was glad of the chance meeting.

“Thanks for bringing me, Steph.”

I wanted to touch her. Put a hand on her smooth leg, hold her hand, kiss her.

But I didn’t know how that’d go over so I simply scrubbed my hands over my head to give them something to do.

“What was all that with John there at the end?”

I took a deep breath. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk about it, but it was a lot to process. And I was fine with it. Really. But I felt like an old wound had been reopened, one I thought had already scarred over.

“Shane and I looked a lot alike. A lot. Enough so that John recognized me as his brother.”

“He knew Shane?”

I nodded.

“Wow. That’s a small world for you.”

I nodded again. “I’ll need to tell my parents about it. John was… he was there when Shane was killed. He told me… all of it.”

I glanced over. Steph’s eyes were wide as her mind ran with “all of it.”

“Wow,” she repeated. “You okay?”

“Yeah. I’m okay. It was good, in a way. Just… unexpected, you know?”

I stared out the window, watching the scenery pass by, the green of the hills and the trees thick with leaves blurring together as we picked up speed.

I felt Steph’s hand touch the top of mine and she gave a little squeeze, then moved to take it away like she wasn’t sure if she’d crossed a line. Without turning my head, I reached to capture her hand, letting our fingers entwine and rest on the center console, my thumb gently stroking hers.

Chapter 16

Steph

“H
ello?” I whispered as I pushed open Lissa’s front door.

Why I was whispering, I didn’t know. The sound of some sort of monster, or crying baby more likely, was coming from the back of the house. Lissa darted across the hall from the kitchen wearing a dark red bra and pulling a white tank top over her head as she hurried to Thomas’s room. She waved a hand, but that was all the acknowledgement we got. Lawrence and I exchanged a wide-eyed look but shrugged and tiptoed in.

We had stopped at the store on our way back from Charlottesville for steaks and salad fixings, and then came straight here for an early, easy dinner. I was guessing easy wasn’t how it was going to go. We busied ourselves in the kitchen, pouring glasses of wine, when Ethan walked in. His face was pale, eyes bloodshot, jaw unshaven, hair a mess.

“Rough day?” I asked.

He nodded and chuckled. “You could say that. Really it’s not all that different. We just had a couple of good days, so we’re out of practice. Lissa got puked on right before you walked in, and he’s been screaming every time she’s not holding him.” Blowing out a deep breath, he rubbed his face with both his hands, then grabbed a glass of wine and took a big sip.

“Hey, man, do you want us to go?” Lawrence asked.

Ethan shook his head. “No. She’ll come out if she can. But you may as well hang out and eat. Otherwise it’s just me and Charlie.” He paused when his phone dinged from his jeans pocket. He pulled it out and smiled while reading the text, the look transforming his tired features. “Lissa says to stay and eat and for me to bring her a glass of wine.”

Ethan quickly filled a glass then hustled it back to his wife. I grinned after him, glad my friend had him in her life. Lawrence tugged a curl hanging down my back and I turned.

“I’ll go light the barbecue.”

“Okay. I’ll get everything else ready.”

Ethan returned and the two men headed outside. Because it takes two men to light a fire, I guessed. In the time it took them to complete their task, I’d readied the steaks, assembled a nice salad, and made dressing. I slid open the back door and passed the platter of meat through, along with tongs. They grunted their acknowledgment.

I shrugged to myself, grabbed a glass of wine, and walked to the living room to settle back with Charlie, Lissa’s dog, on the couch. I stroked her long, black fur and leaned over to pull my phone out of my back pocket. Lissa and I started texting nonsense back and forth and I promised to bring her a plate of food. It must be weird sitting in that back room, listening to the world go on around you. But she had me giggling, imagining her voice through her texts, by the time the boys started bringing plates in.