Sweet Nothing (37 page)

“I’m gonna … I’m gonna shower and sober up. Make a pot of coffee, would ya?” I looked up at Quinn, who was now standing in front of me with the bag hanging at his side.

“Sleep it off. She isn’t going anywhere.” He cupped my shoulder in his hand and then walked away, disappearing out the bedroom door. A few seconds later the apartment door slammed closed, and I fell back on the mattress, letting my sadness take over.

Despite my drunken stupor, it was almost impossible to sleep. I drifted in and out of consciousness, dreaming of Avery coming home and having nightmares that she never would.

When the sun finally cast shadows on the walls, I grabbed my phone. The screen read 7:04 a.m. It wasn’t too early to head over to Quinn’s. Avery would be awake, and hopefully she’d missed me, too.

I showered, shaved, and brushed my teeth, feeling the way I had before our first date. I looked for the shirt she loved and spritzed on the cologne she always said made her unable to keep her hands off me. If I was going to win her back, I’d need all the help I could get.

I slipped on my jeans and shoes, grabbed my wallet, phone, and keys, and headed for the door. I swung it open, feeling mildly confident. If Quinn believed me, Avery could, too.

My keys dropped from my hands when I recognized the woman standing in the hallway, puffy and red-faced from climbing the stairs.

“Avery,” I breathed.

My purse slipped when I snatched it from the kitchen counter and it toppled to the floor. I crouched, picking up sticks of gum and pennies, groaning when it was time to push back up to my feet.

“Let me help,” Josh said.

“I’ve got it,” I growled.

“Can we talk?”

“I just came back for my vitamins, and no, I don’t have time. I picked up a shift today.”

“Picked up a shift? Avery, your anxiety is through the roof. Did Deb check your blood pressure this morning?”

“It’s a little high,” I said, wiping my hair from face. “Let’s not pretend you care.”

“Just hear what I have to say.” He looked so exhausted, so desperate, it was all I could do not to fall into his arms. But I had to be strong for Penny. I had to walk away from a man I couldn’t trust, who didn’t respect me and the promises he’d made, even if that man was Penny’s father.

I walked past Josh into the bedroom, searching in the closet for a pair of scrubs that still fit.

Josh stood in the doorway, watching me change out of my maternity jeans into scrub pants. I slipped the blouse off over my head and pulled on a matching top over the stretched skin of my belly. I reached down, feeling my belly button through my shirt.

Josh smiled, and his bloodshot eyes filled with tears. “I love you.”

I sighed, looking down at my baby bump since I couldn’t see the floor anymore. “Please, don’t. You’re making it harder on me. This was your choice, not mine.”

“You trying so hard not to cry is making me want to hold you even more.”

“I have to be to work in an hour. I can’t do this right now.” I hesitated, knowing I was about to say words that, if Josh obliged, would be the beginning of the end. “I need you to … Penny and I can’t live with Deb. I need you to have your things out by the time I get home.”

He bristled. “What? No, Avery. You’re not even giving this a chance.”

“I gave this a lot of chances.”

“I’m not leaving. You’re not leaving,” Josh said, pacing. “If you’d just let me explain …”

Tears finally spilled over my cheeks. “You can’t. And honestly, I don’t want to listen to you try.” I stood, grabbing my purse off the bed and holding it to my chest. Receipts and my wallet tried to climb out through the zipper, and with trembling fingers, I stuffed them back down.

My eyes felt raw and swollen, and when I stood, cool air kissed the bottom of my burgeoning belly. I yanked down my too-small scrub top.

Josh reached for me, his eyes desperate. “I’ll leave. I go over to Quinn’s, and you can stay here and think. You can’t drive like this, baby, it’s not safe.”

My patience fizzled, and my temper flared. “Oh, 
now
 you care about Penny and me?” My face crumbled. “You ruined everything, Josh. I loved you!”

“I don’t know how to make you believe me. I know it looks bad. She came over because her dryer was on the fritz. I mean … she said it was. I don’t know if even that’s true.”

Pressure began to build in my head, and I closed my eyes. “Stop. I can’t hear this. I don’t want to know.”

“You’ll accept the lies you see, but you won’t you accept the truth you hear? Fine, Avery. Look at me. Look at me, and tell me you believe I could ever cheat on you. You don’t believe that. I’ve never touched another woman since I fell in love with you, and I’ve loved you since the beginning. You’ve known all along what Hope’s been up to. If you’re going to leave me, at least do it for something I did. Not over a fucking misunderstanding. I just need five minutes. Just give me five minutes to explain.”

Everything in me wanted to believe him, but I had to trust what I knew, which was the evidence of his past and the lace panties next to our bed. My lips trembled as I spoke, “There comes a point, Josh, where I have to start listening to myself. I can’t stay with you just because I’m in love with you. I have Penny to think about now.”

“Okay,” he said, fidgeting. “I don’t want you to drive upset. We can talk later. I’ll go.”

“You would just love that, wouldn’t you?” I sneered. “To run to her while I’m sitting at home, growing our baby, and she’s feeling so sorry for you for having a crazy wife.” I felt my strength and anger falling away. My chest caved as I sobbed.

“You’re not crazy, Avery. As far as you know, you have a smoking gun. I can see why you’re upset, but Hope left the panties here on purpose. When she came over after you left—”

I sniffed, anger consuming me. “She’s been here since I left?”

“Yes, but—”

“Oh, fuck you and your explanations.” I snatched the keys off the counter and waddled toward the door.

Josh stepped in my way. “I can’t let you leave like this.” He tried to cup my shoulders, but I slapped his hands away. “Okay. Okay, I won’t touch you. Give me your car keys, and I’ll leave.”

“You don’t 
let
 me do anything,” I said through my teeth. “And you definitely don’t pretend to give a shit about us when you’ve been fucking the neighbor! Everyone warned me to stay away from you, but I ignored them.” Twin rivers streamed down my cheeks. “Now I’m pregnant, weeks away from having your baby. You had everything you said you’ve ever wanted, Josh! You can’t take this back!”

“You know it’s dangerous for you to drive,” he said, trying to stay calm. He shifted his weight, squaring himself in front of me. “Think about this for a second, Avery. Something’s off. This isn’t right. Reach down deep in your heart and tell me you truly believe I am even capable of fucking everything up that bad.” He watched me, hoping I’d change my mind.

I shook my head, emotionally exhausted. I rubbed my temples.

“Headache?” he asked, sweeping my hair away from my face. Once he realized I wouldn’t fight him, he slowly brought me into his chest. “Let me get you something.”

I shook my head. “No. We’ve talked about this. It’s not good for the baby.”

“Avery. The OBGYN said acetaminophen is fine.”

I shook my head. “No.”

“I’ll get you some water.” He left me for the kitchen, opening the fridge and pulling out a clear bottle. He returned and held it out to me.

I looked down at the water, and then back up at him. “I have to take care of myself now.”

He tilted his head to the side. “Avery. You can’t go to work like this.”

I nodded. “You’re right.” I picked up my phone and called Michaels. She was always willing to take shifts.

“Thank you,” Josh said when I got off the phone.

“I didn’t do it for you. I’m going to Deb’s. I want you gone by the time I get back.”

His expression changed. “I’m not leaving. I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not quitting.”

“This is 
my
 apartment.”

“This is 
our
 apartment.”

I sighed, my head hurting too much to argue any more.

“Move in with Hope. At least then you and Penny can be close,” I spat. I froze, mortified at my own words. “I didn’t mean that. I’m angry and it just came out.”

Josh’s cheeks flushed.

“It doesn’t matter where you live. You can see Penny whenever you want.”

Josh balled his hand into a fist, slamming it down on the counter. His already battered knuckles split open, spraying blood on the Formica. “You’re not a fucking single mom, Avery. You’re my
wife
. We’re not doing this! Nothing happened! You’re not thinking straight; you haven’t been for a while. I’ve tried to ignore it, but this is too much. If you leave me, I’m calling the doctor. I’ll tell them about your hallucinations. They’re not going to let you have custody of Penny in the state you’re in.”

My mouth fell open, feeling slapped in the face. “You’re blackmailing me?”

“Whatever it takes,” he said without apology.

“You are a selfish bastard.”

His eyebrows pulled together and he sucked in a breath. A single tear fell down his cheek. “I’ll do whatever I have to do to keep this family together. Once you get some rest, you’ll think this through. You were right about Hope. We can confront her together, if that’s what you want. I can fix this, Avery.”

“No, Josh. This is one thing you can’t fix.”

I turned around, walking toward the door. Josh rushed around me, pressing his palm flat against the metal. “Please?” he begged. “Please, don’t do this.”

“If you hadn’t snuck around with the building whore, I could have asked you that, too, and none of us would be here right now.”

I yanked on the knob, and Josh stepped back, unwilling to physically restrain me. After I slammed the door, Josh opened it again, walking out into the hall. “I’ll be here when you get back. I love you. Be careful.”

I trotted down the stairs, wiping my eyes and shoving through the lower door. I stood on the stoop, looking around, watching the world go on as if mine hadn’t ended.

The Dodge started right up, growling before I shifted into drive and pulled away from the curb. Our neighborhood fell away, and I turned up the music, flipping channels until something sassy and empowering came through the speakers. I drove through Philadelphia until the streetlights flickered, until the gas light dinged, and my back began to ache. I rubbed my belly and turned toward home, hoping to God Josh had gone to Quinn’s with most of his things.

The sky was dark, and the stars had begun to poke through the blackness when I slowed to a stop, waiting on a red light to turn. I could see the top floors of St. Ann’s looming above the tree line, and then looked down when I felt Penny move inside me. When I realized where I was, I choked out a sob. The sign for Holly Road sat above the sign for Jackson Avenue, the intersection where it had all begun.

I could go back to Josh, but I couldn’t forgive him. I couldn’t trust him. That wasn’t a marriage I wanted Penny to witness. I had a responsibility to my daughter to show strength I would want her to have.

My head began to throb behind my eye, and I wondered if Josh had meant what he’d said about taking her away. I’d lost my parents, then Josh, and I could lose Penny, too. Letting go had been so easy for me, but in that moment, I recognized that I hadn’t let go of the people I loved. They were taken from me.