Sweet Contradiction (17 page)

I turned and slowly made my way around to the front of the barn from a different direction. When I made it back inside, they were announcing the winners of the baking contest, but I could barely hear what was being said through all the thoughts rushing like an angry river through my mind. I ended up winning a second place ribbon and had to be called four times before I snapped out of my daze by someone tapping me on the shoulder. I smiled and accepted the ribbon graciously. Jen clapped entirely too loudly and Hunter and Matt whistled loudly with their fingers. First place went to a lady I knew from when I was younger. She was ancient back then, but there was no doubt that her better-than-sex cake was the moistest cake I’d ever eaten in my entire life. And if an eighty year old lady didn’t blink at the name of her cake, well, I had to respect that.

“Congrats, Beth!” Jen hugged me around my neck. Her mood seemed to have improved a bunch. “I’m so glad you didn’t decide to thrown down with Widow Carson over that first place ribbon,” Jen joked. I smiled and handed her my ribbon.

“I have a headache. Can you take me home?” I asked Matt. I could barely look him in the eye. Jen and Hunter exchanged a look.

“Sure, if that’s what you want,” Matt said carefully.

“It is.” I glanced over at Jen and hoped I hadn’t ruined any of her plans. “Are you ready? I don’t want to ruin the night for anyone.” Jen shook her head quickly. “No, it’s alright. I’m ready to go, especially if you’re not feeling well.” I nodded my head lightly. I wasn’t lying, my head had begun to pound as soon as I’d left the group I’d heard talking after I went to the bathroom. The pain just hadn’t caught up with me until that moment.

Matt put a hand on my arm as we walked out of the barn. “You okay?” he asked. I shrugged his hand off gently and nodded again. I couldn’t let him touch me, not as raw as my wounds were, as confused as I felt. I needed him too much already--wanted him too much. Matt stuffed his hand into his pocket and looked at the road in front of us with a frown between his brows as we walked to the truck in the darkness and silence.

When we pulled up to the house, Matt leaned over to me, I turned my face slightly and let his kiss fall softly on my cheek. I pushed the door open and waited for Jen to get out before making my way up the sidewalk to the house. Jen unlocked the door and flipped on the inside and porch light. I took a step just as Matt called out to me.

“Beth?” I stiffened and shut the door in front of me before I turned around to face him. He stood a foot in front of me and it took an insane amount of control to raise my head and meet his gaze. His eyes said everything I thought they would. He looked confused, hurt, angry, but above all, worried about me. I sighed and leaned back against the door.

“We can talk later about everything. I do have a horrible headache and Jen and I have somewhere really important to be tomorrow. But, after that, we will talk, I promise,” I said wearily. Matt’s jaw clenched and his eyes flashed.

“Don’t run. Don’t give up on us. Not before we talk whatever this is through.” I turned my head away. His fingers grasped my chin firmly in his hand and tiled my head back until my eyes met his once again. “Promise me,” he breathed. I tried to move my head, but he had my chin prisoner and wouldn’t relent. “Promise me, Beth.” His eyes flashed again. I swallowed and nervously licked my lips. His mouth met mine long enough to press a tender kiss against them. It was almost my undoing. It was only by a thread that I held myself immobile and didn’t launch myself into his arms.

“I promise.”

I whispered the lie easily enough against his lips before turning and walking into the house, leaving my heart on the other side of the door with him.

ou think of all these wonderful things to say, rehearse them even, when you or someone you know is about to go through something difficult. You want to say all the right things, be the person who has some tidbit of inspirational wisdom, but instead the words lodge in your throat and your fears threaten to choke you. As I sat in the waiting room with Jen, I felt all this and so much more. I needed to be strong for her, to be the one who wouldn’t crack under the pressure and shatter beneath the pain and panic. I didn’t feel strong though, I felt dread down to my very existence and the only thing that kept me together was knowing I was the only one there for her, the only one she had to lean on, and by god, I wouldn’t let her down.

I remembered going to these visits once or twice with Jen and her mom when she would go in to see if her cancer was still in check, to make sure it hadn’t gotten any worse. She got good news almost every time she went, but the one time she didn’t, it was devastating. With Jen it was different. She was the one person in the world who had loved me unconditionally since I was a child, the one person I cared about more than anything. She was going to go in, get the biopsy, and in a few days we’d get the good news. That was the only way this would turn out. The only way god could allow it to turn out.

“Jennifer Collins?” A lady in light pink scrubs came out with a clip board in her hand. Jen stood and wiped her hand on her jeans. I stood as well, my heart tripling its already frantic rhythm. Jen’s hand slipped into mine as we stepped forward. “Only family can come back,” the nurse said. Jen’s hand tightened in mine and she straightened her shoulders.

“She’s my sister.”

I waited for the nurse to call us on our little fib, but she just smiled softly, her eyes alight with understanding and pity. She bobbed her head.

“Alright then, follow me.” Jen and I followed her back, both of us wishing we could run back out the front doors instead.

“Everything’s going to be okay,” I whispered over and over again to myself.

Jen was up stairs resting when I heard a soft knock on the front door. I turned the water off, put the glass I was watching in the dish drainer, and dried my hands off on the hand towel hanging from the loop on my jeans before going to answer it. When I pulled the white lace curtains back from the glass door, I found Matt standing at the door with his hands in his pockets, staring at his feet. I let the curtains fall shut and rested my forehead on the wooden door frame before my nerves were settled enough to open it.

“Hey,” I murmured as I stepped out onto the porch. Matt’s eyes met mine.

“Hey yourself,” he replied.

“Want to sit out here and talk?” I asked. Matt nodded. I walked over to the old fashioned porch swing and sat down, tucking my leg underneath me. Matt sat down next to me.

“How’s Jen?” Matt asked gently. My brows shot up and my eyes widened.

“How did you find out?”

“My dad had some business in Jasper and happened to see you guys leaving Jen’s car in front of the clinic.” He shrugged apologetically. Figures. There’s never such a thing as privacy when you live in a backwater town like Salem. I should have never forgotten that.

“She’s sleeping right now. More emotionally drained than anything else,” I answered. “She doesn’t want anyone knowing.” I said quickly. Matt placed a hand on my knee.

“I wouldn’t tell anyone, I just wanted to check on her … and on you,” he said gently. I stiffened under his touch and his nostrils flared slightly. He took his hand off my leg and rubbed it roughly over his face. Matt sighed wearily and leaned back in the swing.

“What’s this?” he asked, his hand waving between the two of us. “What’s going on with you? What happened last night to make you freak out?”

“I’m not freaking out … I just realized a few things,” I answered without meeting his eyes.

“Like what?” His eyes pierced me to my seat and I resisted the urge to wiggle uncomfortably under the scrutiny.

“How much we really don’t know about each other for one. How different our upbringings were and what that could mean for our future for another.” I twisted the edge of the towel in my lap as I spoke.

“What would you like to know, Beth?” His voice gritted out the words. “Whatever you want to know, just ask. I don’t have any secrets. Just don’t shut me out.” His eyes captured mine and they begged me not to act rashly, to give our relationship a true chance. But the truth was simple … I was scared.

“Were you engaged before?” I asked. Matt’s eyes never wavered from mine, but his mouth tightened into a straight line and his jaw clenched.