Sweet Contradiction (12 page)

“I’d like to go home now,” I whispered, stunned. Matt studied my face with a look of confusion and hurt on his face for so long that I glanced away, unable to stand the pain I’d caused him.

“Okay,” he clipped off. He began gathering all the stuff off the ground and we walked back to the truck in silence. The truck ride back into town was as tense as it was silent. I knew if I said anything I would burst into tears, and the last thing Matt needed was a female who had just weirded out after sex to start weeping ta-boot. The silence was worse than if he had just blown up and began shouting.

We pulled up in front of Jen’s house just as it was beginning to get dark. I wanted to jump out of his truck and make a run for the door, but Matt didn’t deserve that. He deserved better than that. My hand tightened around the handle of his door and I took in a deep breath.

“Jen told me your dad is a Pastor,” I blurted out and then blushed. Matt’s eyes widened in confusion and then anger.

“You have a problem with me because of my Dad?” he growled.

“Yes … I mean … no.” I ran a weary hand over my face and sighed.

“It’s not just that … it’s the whole package.” Matt was staring at me, waiting for me to continue on. “It’s me. Since I was a little girl I swore that I’d never come back to Salem. That I’d never fall in love with someone who made religion an important part of their lives. I’d stuck to those rules and a few others …
until you
.” I glanced down at my lap and twisted the handle of my purse. I didn’t think he caught my little slip.

“So, you have a problem with our relationship because I go to church and live in a small town?” he asked with disbelief lacing his voice. I nodded slightly. “Why?” he asked softly. I briefly considered not telling him, but I had already opened up to him, slept with him, and started to fall in love with him. I wanted to tell him. I glanced out my window and relaxed back into my seat.

“I had religious parents. Southern, small town, narrow minded parents who used the Bible and God at every turn to tell me lovely bed time stories about hell and how little girls who disobeyed, who didn’t curb their sinful natures, would go there to live and burn for an eternity with Satan and all his demons.” I smiled sadly over at Matt before continuing on. “I remember hearing those stories as early as three or four years old. I wanted stories about fairies and dragons, princesses and frogs, but I never got those kinds of stories. When I got older, I had to try to “purge” myself from all sinful desires, which meant colorful clothing, jewelry, sweets, music, or anything that could possibly cause me to turn from a holy life. The long stick that had
spare the rod and spoil the child
etched into it that my father used to hit me with wasn’t the worst thing, writing verses to match whatever transgressions I’d committed until my fingers blistered weren’t the worse things either.” Matt flinched slightly, but I continued on, everything flowing forth for the very first time. I’d never even spoken to Jen about all the things I’d endured.

“It was having to pretend to be someone I wasn’t, locking away the real me in a tiny box of never ending darkness for all those years just to please my parent’s god, that hurt the most. The physical scars healed after time, but the ones on the inside, where I buried my personality, my dreams, and my very spirit … those are not so easily healed.” Matt’s hand found mine and he brought it to his lips to place a gentle kiss across my knuckles. A single tear tracked down my cheek.

“Beth, I’m so sorry, honey.” His finger wiped my tear away. I leaned my face into his palm and breathed in the scent of his skin. “So, you left when you turned eighteen and decided to steer clear of anyone who could have serious religious affiliations?” I nodded and he sighed deeply.

“That’s why this could never work, Matt. I’m screwed up. I haven’t stepped in a church in over four years and you’re a freakin’ Sunday school teacher.” I huffed and threw my hands in the air … surely he could see the problem.

“You know that not all religious people act like your parents do, right? That they took things and twisted them, made horrors of your life in the name of God? It wasn’t right and I’d never do something like that.” His eyes searched mine and I nodded. I knew those things … but knowing and believing are two different things entirely. I never wanted to take that chance before.

“Tell me what you think about people who go to church,” he asked quickly. My mouth answered before I had time to switch the brain-to-mouth filter on.

“In a few words? Narrow minded. Delusional. Hypocrites. Bible thumpers. Hateful, mind controlling jackasses.” I slapped my hand over my mouth, my eyes wide with mortification. Matt’s eyes flashed, but I couldn’t tell if it was in anger or amusement. A bit of both, I’d wager.

“No need to hold back on my account,” he muttered with a dimple flashing. I laughed lightly, glad he hadn’t been offended.

“I just don’t see how we could continue on and not ended up hurting each other or trying to change one another. I can’t alter who I am for anyone because of religion ever again.” I searched his eyes, waiting for the shutters to drop, waiting for him to realize what I’d been saying all along was trues, waiting for my heart to break … but it never happened.

“Before you give up on what we have,” He twined his fingers with mine as he spoke. “Because we do have something amazing between us.” He raised a brow, waiting for me to acknowledge at least that. I nodded. “Let me take you somewhere tomorrow. Just to show you something.” I stiffened in my seat, but his hand squeezed mine and he gave me a knowing smirk. “Don’t worry. It won’t be church.” I relaxed a little and he continued on. “I think it might surprise you … in a good way,” he said with a mischievous grin.

“Okay,” I answered softly. Matt leaned over, his face only an inch away from mine and whispered against my lips.

“You won’t frighten me away, Baby. I’m not looking for someone who looks a certain way, lives a certain way, or even believes a certain way. I’m looking for the person who completes me, the person I can’t live without, and the person who drives me so completely insane that I feel like a hole has been ripped out of my chest when we’re apart.” My eyes widened and I melted into him as his lips caressed mine gently, teasing, asking for permission. I made a small sound in the back of my throat and opened to him. He seared me with the promise his kiss held.

“Now get inside and get some rest before I take advantage of you right here and now,” he mumbled against my lips.

“That doesn’t sound so bad,” I answered. Matt chuckled and gave me another peck on the lips before coming around to open the door for me. Always the perfect gentleman.

After Matt left, I sat on the front porch for a few minutes, thinking over everything that had happened in the past two weeks. It had been one hell of a roller coaster ride, with the night at the fair, what happened with Beau in town, my freak out after making love to Matt, and now actually daring to hope we might have some small chance to make our relationship work. A whirlwind of emotions, indeed. I headed inside, I needed to talk to my best friend and see what she thought.

Jen wasn’t downstairs reading or in the kitchen, so I trudged up the stairs and knocked once on her bedroom door before barging in. She was sitting on the edge of her bed with a piece of paper in her hand crying. When she saw me come in she wiped at her face and quickly stuffed the paper in her night stand drawer.

“Oh no, Jen. Are you okay?” I came over to her and sat down to take her hand in mine.

“I’m fine. Really. Just being silly.” I pulled her into a hug. Here I was all wrapped up in my own drama and it had only been a little more than three weeks since Mrs. Collin’s funeral. I was such a crappy friend. She sniffled and pulled back with a small smile on her face.

“So, how was your date?” she asked as she waggled her brows.

“It was interesting … but, we don’t need to talk about that right now. It isn’t important.”

“This is exactly what I need right now,” Jen complained. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I need to talk about normal things, best friend things. It will help me keep my mind of everything.” She smiled sadly and my heart broke just a little bit more for her.

“Well, if that’s the case, then go get the wine coolers and ho-hos, I’ll get the Buffy DVDs, this is going to be a long night.” Jen squealed and bounced off the bed to grab the goodies. I learned a lot that night—like how incredibly mind blowing ho-hos and wine coolers were together, how that you could discover the answers to life’s most difficult questions by watching Buffy, but most of all, that no matter what was going on in life—a best friend could make it all seem bearable.

hen I drug my sorry behind out of bed the next morning, still wearing my cookie monster pajama bottoms and tank top, Jen was already up with a cup of coffee in hand. She stood at the sink staring out the window into the backyard with a faraway look on her face. She didn’t even notice when I came in the kitchen.

“Is there some of that for me?” I yawned. Jen jumped at the sound of my voice and then smiled over at me.

“Sure is. Help yourself.” She nodded to the coffee pot. I poured myself a cup and took a sip, grateful for the rush of delicious caffeine into my system. Jen looked as put together as usual, though there seemed to be more bags under her eyes than I’d noticed before. I frowned and wondered how she was
really
. Maybe it was time for us to have a serious heart to heart. I opened my mouth to tell her that, when she turned quickly and began rinsing her cup out.