Surviving the Pain (A Baby Saved Me Series Book 1) (11 page)

“Ems,” Grey started to say, but he was immediately cut off. Sage had to work to control his breathing and anger. The more he upset Ember, the more it was pissing him off. Also, using the nickname that he had for her… well, it about pushed him over the edge. However, all he could do was smile when Ember ripped into him on it.

“I told you! Don’t. Call. Me. Ems! How many times do I have to say you that?”

Grey
shoved his hands through his hair. The control he was known for having had long since left him. He had come here to beg her to give them a shot. Sage didn’t deserve her love or time. Anyone that could abandon the woman he supposedly loved didn’t deserve the tears she’d shed or the love she still held for him. Sure, Grey may not have been the best pick of men, but still he was better than Sage. After all, he knew how Sage earned money. Grey also knew that Sage had been with other women over the last five years. As Grey watched Sage out of the corner of his eyes, he wondered if he’d bothered telling her that. Then again, he’s not even sure that Ember would care. She was with Grey after all. Even if it was only six month and they’d only slept together once, Grey knew her. She’d understand.

No matter how many times over the last few years that she’s said she just wanted friendship, and he told himself that’s all he’d have, he just couldn’t let her go. Ember was a great friend. She was beautiful, smart, strong, so damn caring. It was all the traits he wanted in the mother of his children and the love of his life. The problem he was having was coming to terms with the fact that she wasn’t his to have. He’d sworn that there were a few times over the years as she was insisting they were just going to be friends that more sparked in her eyes, but he’d been wrong apparently. It would be far easier on him to accept defeat, tuck tail and run, but he didn’t want to be like Sage. He wanted to prove to her no matter how tough things got he’d always be there for her. Ember just needed to let him be there for her. Since the day in the park, if she needed anything she called Holden or Aspen, not him. All he wanted was for her to love him. She’d never have to worry about anything else in her life if she’d just love him as he loved her.

“Are you even listening to me, Grey?” Ember shot out at him angrily.

“I am. I always listen to you. When will you give me a fucking moment and listen to me? When will you look at me and see that you’re killing me slowly and give me five fucking seconds of your damn time!” Damn he sounded like such a pussy, but he couldn’t help it. Nothing was shutting off his feelings for her. There were plenty of times that he’d turn girls away because he couldn’t handle the thought of touching them when the one he really wanted to touch, caress, make love to didn’t want him the same way. All those times he’d wanted to shut it off, but that damn feeling didn’t come with a switch, and it seemed to always burn hot.

Sage
stared at Grey in shock as he yelled in Ember’s face with tears streaming down his face. He remembered back to the conversation they’d had the first time he’d run into Ember. His used to be best friend loved his girl and for the first time, anger didn’t follow the thought. Though he still wanted no one else with her but him, he understood how hard it was on Grey. After all, for five damn years, he couldn’t have her. Hell, he probably shouldn’t be here even now. Sage just couldn’t stay away any longer. He’s glad he didn’t because now that Sage knew he had a son, everything had changed.

“Grey…” Ember choked out.

“Hey G, why don’t we…” Just as Sage was going to try and defuse the situation, the angelic voice he’ll never forget saying the one word that would always mean everything to him, called down the hall.

“Daddy, can I come out there yet?”

That one word brought him back to earlier when he first saw Hudson. Just hearing a child scream
‘Daddy’
was enough to break any man. At first, Sage was pissed at Ember for not telling him, but then reality hit when his mind did the math. The day she’d found him, she was pregnant, and he kicked her out of his life. It wasn’t that he wanted to, but that he knew what would happen if Rufus – at that time – found out about Ember. A shudder ran through him at the thought of any harm coming to his family.

“Uh, buddy, we are having an adult moment out here. I’ll come get you in a minute okay?”

“You aren’t leaving?”

“No buddy. I’m not going anywhere.” Sage answered his son but stared at Ember hoping she’d see the truth in his eyes.

Sage wasn’t going anywhere. There’d be hell to pay when he informed Rufus of that, but he’d pay it and return to his family for the rest of his life. He’d lost enough time, he wasn’t losing more.

“Okay,” he called and then his door shut again.

Turning back to Grey, Sage looked at him for a moment. The sadness on his face caused a stab of pain in his chest. He’d done this to his friend. Sage had forced his friend to be around Ember. No one could be around that woman for extended periods of time and not fall in love with her. She was just that type of person.

“Want to go for a walk and talk, G?”

He stared at Sage for a moment, in shock Sage thought. The shock wore off and anger filled his eyes, hot on its heels were jealousy and envy.

“Hell, no I don’t! Everything was going fine until you had to show your fucking face back up! How long until you leave again, Sage? How long until you abandon them again?” He looked at Ember. “This is so fucked up! I’m right here ready to love you with all I have and never leave your side, and you can’t return my love. But this sorry son of a bitch you love so completely you would rather suffer than be with someone else. Fuck!” He roared before storming from the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

Sage watched as Ember hurried to the door and locked all the locks and chains on the door. Ems quickly moved over to the stove and pulled the chicken from the oven and checked on all the other food. She began prepping Hudson’s plate. Having as much as he could take, Sage walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist and held her. For a moment, she just stood there, before she finally turned in his arms and cried into his chest as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

“It’s okay, Ems. Let it out. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere ever again.” Sage whispered quietly in her ear.

After a few more minutes of her tears, she shoved out of his arms and went back to preparing Hudson’s plate. Knowing she needed some space before supper, Sage walked down to his son’s room. When he opened the door, he saw his son staring off as he hugged his knees to his chest. The sight broke his heart.

“What’s wrong, buddy?”

His head snapped in Sage’s direction. “Daddy!” He launched himself into Sage’s arms and held him tightly. “I thought you left.”

No matter how he tried to play it down, he’d broken the two people he loved the most in the world. Both were people he loved instantly, at first sight. He more than fucked up and Sage wasn’t even sure he could fix it this time.

Ember
stood at the kitchen sink, finishing up the dishes. Really she was just trying to stay busy. As she stood there, she could feel his eyes on her. It was heating her from the inside out. Sage has been here for only a few hours and still she felt the stirrings of a need long suppressed. A need that didn’t even come to life when she had sex with Grey.

Though, there for a while, she’d worked hard to convince herself that she wanted to love him. The more the thoughts ran through her head, the more she knew it to be false. Not that she’d used Grey. No, it was more like she let him use her.
He
wanted sex. She wanted to forget. So, in a way, they freed each other. The problem for her was that she couldn’t lie and pretend something happened when she was dead inside. Grey was a great man and an incredible friend, but he just wasn’t meant that way for her.

For as long as Ember could remember, she was always told that everything happened for a reason. Right or wrong, it happened because it was meant to be. Grey and her ‘dated’ and had sex because it opened her eyes to what she’d never have with anyone other than Sage. It would also be the guide in which Grey will not allow himself to sink to when he searched for his girl. Until Grey realized what they had was
not
but a passing moment to fill a void, he’d never be able to move on. That broke her heart. Ember knew deep in her soul that if Sage asked her to be his again – if he came right out and said it – she’d accept him with open arms. It didn’t matter how much he killed her or what she’d been through in the five years he was gone… No, it
did
matter. Well, it should matter. She needed to talk to him.

Hudson had begged for Sage to put him to bed tonight. That could be another reason she felt off. It was breaking their routine, the normalcy she depended on. Ember found herself checking in on them every few minutes. It melted her heart to hear them together and see them laughing and loving on each other. If for no other reason, Ember would put on a brave face for her son. For as long as he’d been the odd boy out, she wouldn’t deny him that special bond with his father. All she needed to do was just guard her heart a little more. Somehow.

“What are you thinking about, beautiful?” His deep voice almost seemed to rumble over her skin and dig right into her heart.

Yeah, okay, stopping from caring may be harder than I thought it would be
, Ember thought to herself. She was so lost in trying to figure out what to do about her heart that she hadn’t heard him approach. When he snaked his arms around her waist from behind, she jumped, screamed, and cowered down to the floor. There were many things that she’d never told anyone before and if Sage was still just as detailed focused, he’d see the things she wasn’t telling just by this single action. The questions would come, and she’d be forced to open old wounds. Whether or not it was healthy to bottle things up, she had to in order to protect Hudson from all the terror that has followed her since… God, she couldn’t even remember when it started.

“Ems,” Sage started before taking a deep breath. “I know I have no right asking you this, but I need to know what’s going on.” Just as he finished his sentence and the pain in his voice sunk in, she let a loud, heartbreaking sob escape. The next thing Ember knew, Sage was on the floor wrapped around her trying to console something he didn’t even know what it was. It only served to push the tears out faster and the sobs harder.

“God, Ems, baby, please… I can’t stand it when you cry. Let me help. Let me heal what I’ve broken.” The desperation in his voice undid every fiber of the need to protect herself from him. For the first time in a long time, she wanted to let someone in. Not just anyone, though. She wanted to let Sage in.

“Since you’ve been gone,” she started before a sob shook her body.

“Wait. Let’s move to the couch,” he said as he stood with her in his arms. Setting her down, gently, he kicked off his shoes sat down sideways on the couch – with his back toward the arm – and pulled her between his legs. “Okay, continue.”

A shiver coursed through her body as his warm breath flowed over the bare skin of her shoulder. Swallowing hard, Ember decided to be open and honest about everything that has gone on since he left. It was the only way they’d actually heal. However, she knew only small steps. If she couldn’t handle it all at once, neither could he. Ember knew he was going to take this to heart, but she hoped it didn’t completely break him.

“One week after you left, I got a surprise visit from your parents. They weren’t nice and even threatened me. I’m not exactly sure what happened afterward, but my father heard them threatening me. He promised me he’d take care of it, and I guess he had because nothing was ever heard from them again. Well, at least not that I know of. I moved out and into this apartment halfway through my pregnancy. Mom and Dad weren’t too happy about it, but I needed to do it on my own. I needed to know I was good enough since you had kicked us aside.” Ember cringed at her word usage and looked up at him.

“I didn’t kick you aside, but I understand that’s how it looked and how you felt. What was the threat my parents made on you?”

Small steps she had said, if this is the path they take tonight, then the rest can wait for another night.

“They wanted to know where you were. I told them I didn’t know they started in on me, but my father stepped up, and they said that this wasn’t the last I’d see of them,” Ember shuddered at the memory.

“Do they know about Hudson?”

Shaking her head, she turned in his lap – her back against the back of the couch – and looked at him. “No, I don’t think so. Like I said, Dad said he took care of it.”

Sage looked deeply into her eyes. Just from that look alone, her heart raced, and she could feel her whole body begin to tingle with awareness and need. This was the consuming feeling that she’d missed. The feeling she knew was because of the love that she felt for Sage, and he felt for her. Her parents had always told her that sex could feel good at any time, for a moment, but
real
love will make it feel out of this world. It was why she wanted to wait, but then Sage was leaving, and the rest was as they say history. Sage’s eyes bounced between her lips and eyes. Nervously, she licked her lips, and he groaned. Leaning forward, Sage lowered his lips to hers.

“Why did you hurt me?” The question was out there before she even knew she asked it. Just above a whisper, the pain from the past came back to the present. Silent tears fell down her cheeks as she stared into the eyes that have long both haunted and soothed her. “Why did I mean so little to you that you could so easily turn away from me, from everything we’d been building? Why wasn’t I enough? Why couldn’t you let me save you, love you?”

Sage
watched as the woman he loved most in the world broke down in his lap. She was so close to him, his lips not far from hers and he was afraid to breathe. If he breathed, he might wake up from the dream he was apparently having. Ember being in his arms again was still surreal, but even more than that was having a son. This moment with her in his arms, seeing her gutted and dying inside, it killed him more. Sage wasn’t stupid. He knew he was the cause of that emptiness that used to hold so much life and light. What he was still trying to figure out was how to even begin to repair her. He didn’t know just yet, but he’d damn sure answer her questions. She deserved no less than that.

“Let me answer these question by question,” Sage began, but not moving from the mere inches from her mouth. His eyes flicked between her beautiful green eyes – even sad they were still breathtaking.

“Oh,” she breathed. “Okay.”

“Why did I hurt you? I told you before, it was what was safe for you at the time. I couldn’t be with you to protect you. So pushing you away – make no mistake, it killed me to watch the light and smile leave you – it was the right move to make at the time. Knowing what I do now, about my son, I’m even more positive I made that decision and now know without a shadow of a doubt it was the best decision I’ve ever made.”

Another tear slipped down her cheek, but she held his gaze, and it made him so damn proud of her. This was the strong, resilient woman he’d fallen in love with the minute he saw her all those years ago. The strength she had always shocked him, in her petite frame. But that’s what most people did, misunderstood her, and they were knocked on their asses quickly.

“You’re next question,” he said as he cleared his throat of the emotions trying to strangle it. “Why did you mean so little to me that I could so easily leave you and all our dreams behind without missing a beat? Easy. It goes with the question above. It wasn’t that I cared too little. It was more that I cared
so
much that I destroyed every good thing I’ve ever had to save you. You are all I’ve ever thought about. Even after that day, you’ve been it for me. No one has come close to claiming anything more than a piece of my body over the five years I’ve been without you. No one, Ems, not a single soul carries what you do.”

Ember broke the hold their eyes had by lowering her head to his chest. The world around him seemed to fall into place the minute her head touched that spot near where his heart beat rapidly. Sage knew she could hear his racing heart and prayed she saw his nerves and not misconstrued it as a sign of lying. He’d never lie to her, even if it meant losing her.

“The next one you asked was why weren’t you enough? You were always more than enough for me and not enough sometimes,” he chuckled nervously. “I could never have enough of your idle chit chat or the views you had on the world around you. When we weren’t together, I pictured you in my head, some of our memories playing back… The point here is, you’ve always been my everything. Someday, I hope to be your something again.”

“Sage,” Ember choked out as she lifted her head from his chest.

Shaking his head softly and slowly, he gave her a sad smile as a tear of his own slipped down his cheek. Sage was unashamed for crying in front of her. If it took breaking down to get her to see the truth in his answers, he’d let her see him bare and emotionally raw. Hell, he’d shed blood if need be.

“Let me get through this. Last question of yours. Why couldn’t I let you save and love me? You saved me when I first saw you. You took me from the hell I was living at home and gave me a reason to look forward to each day. You gave me a reason to smile, laugh… care. You saved me long before you gave me your love in return.”

“Then why did you leave me?” Her sobbed question broke him even more.

Resting his head against her forehead, he took a shuddered breath. “I had to go. My parents were going to have me arrested if I stayed.” Sage blurted out the truth, like letting it all out was a huge relief off his chest. In many ways it was. He’d kept it all inside to protect her. In the end, he’d lost her. So really what did he protect? His parents got exactly what they wanted. Sage had been miserable from the moment he left her at that bus stop and every day since. “They didn’t like that I was with you. They thought you hurt their reputation with their circle in town. They had told me a few months before graduation to break up with you. I refused. Then the day I told you I was leaving to make a name for myself, they’d said they were going to have me arrested for dating you. I was legal age, but you weren’t. Age of consent here is sixteen. So, I decided to leave and get a high paying job to help support us. That was the plan anyway. Until I went to find a job and ran into Rufus.”

She looked at him funny. The look caused him to hold his breath. At this point, Ember could say anything, and he wasn’t sure which path it would go down. The ‘keep talking you still have a chance’ way or the ‘tell the rest so I know what you just exposed me to and leave’ path. Swallowing hard, he waited quietly for her to say something, anything. When she didn’t, he continued on.

“I’d been waiting for the owner of this place to come out to talk to me, and he sat down at my table. He told me that if I needed money, he ran boxing tournaments, and I could make a mint in just a single match. The first thought in my head was getting you out to me sooner. So, I agreed without asking questions. I should have. Damn, I wish I had. Turned out once you start fighting for him, you hand over your life to them. They control you and will go after all those around you. I never thought that I’d have anything to worry about. A lot of the guys that fight in these things are professionals. Wouldn’t it figure that I’d find something that I’m a natural at,” Sage smirked at her. “But it didn’t all turn out bad though. We’ll go into that
long
story another time though.”