Surviving Raine 01 (17 page)

* * * * *

The rain stopped, and the sun came out.  It was steamy and hot for a while, then clouded up again and sprinkled some more.  Even with the quart and a half we had each consumed, there was still another week’s worth of water in the containers now.

An unlucky seagull bobbed up and down on the waves near the raft.  I turned Raine’s swimsuit into a net while she was sleeping, which she did not appreciate in the slightest, and managed to catch it.  Raine did seem to appreciate being able to eat something, though.  I told her catching birds was all about knowing which direction they were going to fly, along with a little bit of speed.  Sea birds weren’t that quick getting out of the water.  I liked watching her eyes light up in wonder or awe – if that’s what it was – when I did something that impressed her.

“I never thought something like this would taste good,” Raine said, popping a thin piece of raw, stripped meat into her mouth.

“Starvation does that to you,” I said with a shrug.

“Still, I would have thought it would only be palatable at best, but this actually tastes good.”

“It doesn’t,” I assured her.  “It’s just your mind making it taste like chocolate pie.”

“You remembered,” Raine said with a smile.

“Of course I remembered,” I said.  “I’m not stupid.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask you about that,” Raine said.  I looked over to her sharply.  “I mean, you’re very well spoken for a high school dropout.”

“I still got my GED.  Actually, Landon insisted on it.”

“That’s it?”

“No.”

“You went to college too, didn’t you?”

“Correspondence schools, but yes,” I said.  “I have a master’s degree, actually.”

“Really?”  Raine’s shocked expression amused me.  I decided to take it a step further.

“In English Literature.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I’m not,” I said.  “Do you want me to quote you something?”

“Yes, I do.”

I narrowed my eyes at her.  I hadn’t really wanted to be called out on my bluff, but leave it to Raine to want some Shakespeare or whatever recited to her.  A couple of sonnets went through my head, but I decided on something a little more fitting to our situation.

“When the waves are round me breaking,

As I pace the deck alone,

And my eye in vain is seeking

Some green leaf to rest upon;

What would not I give to wander

Where my old companions dwell?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder,

Isle of Beauty, fare thee well!”

“Paradise lost?” Raine said, not sounding completely sure of herself.

“Very good.”

“Another one, please?”  She looked at me, and her teeth bit into her bottom lip.  I took a slow, deep breath and told my cock to cut that shit out.

“I am as a weed

Flung from the rock, on Ocean’s foam to sail

Where’er the surge may sweep, the tempest’s breath prevail.”

“Apt,” Raine nodded.  “But I don’t think I’ve ever heard that one.”

“Byron,” I said.  “Not a poet I like so much.  Too much whining.”

Raine laughed.

“Don’t you know anything romantic?” she asked, “or is it all related to the water?”

“I know a few.”  I looked at her sideways.  She smiled and blushed, which gave my cock a good kick-start.

“Where true Love burns Desire is Love's pure flame;

It is the reflex of our earthly frame,

That takes its meaning from the nobler part,

And but translates the language of the heart.”

“Beautiful,” Raine said, “and it sounds familiar.”

“Coleridge,” I told her.  “Had enough?”

“Maybe for now,” Raine said with a nod.  “I can’t believe you have a master’s degree.”

“Why not?”

“It just doesn’t…fit.”  Raine tilted her head to one side and looked at me thoughtfully.  “Or maybe it does.  Actually, now that I’ve heard you quote poetry, I think it does fit.”

“You should rest,” I said, shaking my head.  “You obviously need some sleep to gain your senses back, and you need to save your strength.”

“I feel like all I have done for days is sleep.”

“It is all you have done,” I confirmed.  “That doesn’t mean you don’t need more.”

Raine sighed and gave in, scooting herself to the back of the raft.

“Shouldn’t you rest, too?” she asked.

“I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt,” I said.  “I’m going to try fishing again at some point but not yet.  We shouldn’t eat anything else again right away anyway – our stomachs need some recovery time.  We have plenty of water for now, so it is a good time to eat.”

Raine straightened out the blanket-towel and spread herself out on top of it.  I finished the cup of water in my hand, checked the collection system, and sealed up the front part of the raft before I moved to lie next to her.

Once I lay back down, I immediately put my arm around Raine’s shoulders and pulled her to me before I thought about what I was doing.  I froze up instantly, not sure how she was going to take the gesture.  I had held her for the better part of the last two days, but she had been dehydrated, near death, and scared.  She had color back in her face now, and her eyes were bright again.  She probably didn’t want me touching her at all.

While I debated what I should do, Raine rolled to her side, wrapped her arm around my waist, and placed her head on my shoulder, just like she had during most of the last forty-eight hours.  Her hair spewed out all over me, and I found it oddly comforting.

“Will you tell me something else about yourself?” Raine asked quietly.  I could still see the sparkle of her eyes in the receding light.

“I don’t know what else to tell you about,” I said.  “It’s all just as fucked up as what you already heard.  You have to be some sort of glutton for sob stories.”

“No, I don’t,” Raine said, shaking her head.  “I told you – I want to know you.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to understand,” she said again.  “If I understand, maybe I can help you.”

“Help me what?”

“You don’t have to live like this, Bastian.  There are other options.”

“There aren’t any
options
,” I said, trying to keep myself from actually snarling at her.  “This is what you get, Raine.  An alcoholic, mean, fucked up asshole.  Once someone finds us, you aren’t going to have any use for me at all.”

Raine’s hand touched the side of my face, and her fingers trailed through my thickening beard. I slowly turned my eyes towards hers and tried to keep my breathing steady.

“You are more than that, Bastian.”

“I’m a selfish bastard as well,” I said, trying to control my voice and even smile a little.  Raine’s eyes narrowed.

“If you were, you wouldn’t have testified.”

“I didn’t want to go to prison.”

“That’s not the only reason though, is it?”

I looked at her eyes, glad to see the deep brown irises had light and moisture in them again.  I could have run with John Paul in the beginning, and prison never would have been a possibility, but if I had, they would have gotten away with it completely.  Besides, I hadn’t been able to sleep at night.  I thought if I helped put them away, I would be able to sleep again.

Fat chance.

Maybe if Franks had gone to prison as well, I wouldn’t have started drinking myself into oblivion.  Then again, I would have probably been a drunk either way.

“All of my reasons were selfish,” I told her.

“I don’t think I believe you,” Raine replied.  Her fingers started massaging the skin under my beard, and the sensation was almost enough to make my eyes roll into the back of my head.

I reached up and placed my palm against her cheek, slowly tracing her cheekbone with the edge of my thumb.  My movements almost echoed her touch against my cheek, and I found both acts similarly comforting.  I didn’t understand what I was feeling.  I understood desire – I knew why I wanted to fuck her – the reason for that was just too straightforward.  I wanted to get my cock inside of her so I could have a good orgasm that didn’t involve my own hand.  This I knew.  This I understood, but wanting to simply…run my hand over her face…I didn’t understand this.  I didn’t recognize this feeling.  Her skin was soft under my fingertips, and I watched her tongue dart out of her mouth, moistening her full lips.

I’m not sure if I consciously moved forward or if I was somehow magnetically drawn closer to her.  The tip of my tongue touched my bottom lip, and I watched Raine’s eyes drop to my mouth and then back up again.  I hesitated, not sure how she was going to react.  I didn’t want to scare her.  I didn’t want to push her.  I didn’t want her to push me away again.  I didn’t want her to think I was only interested in fucking her.

Her eyes stayed on mine, and her breathing increased its pace.  I moved a little closer, slowly positioning my face just above hers with my lips almost touching her mouth.  I stopped, waiting for her to tell me to get away – either with her words or her eyes.  Instead, I felt her hand brush through my beard again, her fingers curving under my jaw and applying slight pressure to bring me closer.

My eyes closed, and I touched my lips to hers – softly, gently, slowly.  I kissed both of her lips at once, then the top one, then the bottom.  I didn’t press, but kept my touch light and unhurried.  Each time we touched, the kiss lingered just a little longer than the last.

I stopped, my lips still barely touching hers, and met her eyes.  They were so bright and full of want and need that it was difficult not to press my body against hers, drive my tongue into her mouth, and just take her as quickly as possible.  But I didn’t want to do that.  I wanted to kiss her again, so I did – softly, slowly, and over and over.  I tilted one way, then the other, wanting to taste every part of her lips.  I didn’t push my tongue at her; I just kissed her gently, lovingly…

I pulled back, met her eyes again, and I felt my chest clench as nothing short of sheer terror rippled through my skin.  This feeling
wasn’t
new – I’d been here before.  I’d felt this way before, and I had vowed to never let this happen again.

I should want her for one reason and one reason only.  Sex was good – you could have sex, feel good, and then move on – no emotional attachment.  I was good at that.  I knew what to expect, and I always made it clear what should be expected of me.  I didn’t want to feel anything more – not for Raine or for anyone else.  You could stab me, shoot me, beat me beyond recognition – I could cope with that kind of pain.  You couldn’t make me feel for you – couldn’t make me want to care because caring meant hurting in a way that I couldn’t handle.  I was
not
going to let this happen.  Never,
ever
again…

Raine’s voice broke me out of my mental tirade against myself.

“She broke your heart, didn’t she?”

My hands balled into fists, my eyes closed tightly, and I held the air in my lungs a moment longer before slowly letting the air back out.  I didn’t want her to say anything.  I didn’t want her to know.  Most of all, I didn’t want Raine to realize I wasn’t worth anything other than physical release, the same realization
she
had before she laughed at me and told me to wise up.

Her hand moved against my cheek, running her fingers over my skin and back into my hair.  It felt good – it felt
too
good.  I couldn’t do this, so I pushed away, turned my back to her, and moved over to the front of the raft to pour a cup of water.

“Bastian?”

“Just…don’t,” I growled.  “Don’t fucking say anything.”

“Bastian, you don’t have to be afraid of me,” Raine said.  I could see her sitting up out of the corner of my eye.  She looked so much stronger already, and she hadn’t even eaten much.  My shirt slid partway off her shoulder, exposing her collarbone.

“I’m not fucking afraid!” I yelled, knowing how ridiculous it sounded.  “I’m just…not good at this.  I’m not good
for
this.  If you want to fuck, we can fuck, but I’m not doing…
this
.”

I waved my hand in her general direction.  I didn’t know what the fuck
this
was, but I knew it wasn’t going to work for me.

“You deserve more, Bastian.”

I laughed.

"I'm a nutcase, Raine," I told her.  "I'm a murderer and a drunk.  I use women as a place to stick my cock.  That's who I am.  You don't want to delude yourself into thinking I'm something else."

"Maybe in the beginning I would have believed you," she said.  "I don't believe you now.  I've seen you, Bastian – the real you.  I know what's inside that thick skin you try to use as a shield.  I've seen you at your worst, and I'm pretty sure I saw you at your best just a few minutes ago.  If not then, it was when you told me not to be scared.  You can't fool me anymore, Bastian.  I know too much.  I know you've been hurt, and I know you're scared."

"I'm not..."  I couldn't even bring myself to finish the sentence.  I stared down at the empty cup in my hands until her fingers reached over and took it from me.  I glanced up at her and saw the start of tears.  Fuck.

"Let me in, Bastian," she whispered.  "Tell me what she did to you."

I stared at her, the internal war within my mind escalating beyond control.  I wanted to tell her.  I didn’t want to tell her.  I wanted to hold her and feel something for her.  I couldn’t do that.  I wouldn’t do that.  I needed her to understand that I couldn’t be that for her.  I was so fucked up, I didn’t even know where to start, so I went back to the basics and closed up.

"She didn't love me back," I finally said with a shrug.  Pathetically, I felt the shield go back up around me.  I could shut myself down – I knew how to do that.  I knew how to shut out every emotion, every feeling, and every thought that wasn’t what I wanted to think about.  It was comfortable and safe.  "No big deal."

"Bastian..."

"
Raine
..." I mocked, tearing my eyes away from her.  "Just fucking let it go."

"How about we make a deal?" Raine said.