Surrogate (20 page)

     "I don't think it's a good idea," he warned, intending to keep driving.  His fingers gripped the wheel, and his eyes straight ahead, which had become his first response whenever kids were present.  The fear of losing the baby kept him from looking at other children.  He didn't want to need one so much in Carrie's absence, but he did.  It was the last part of her he could still have if the baby survived.

     "What harm can there be?" she asked, watching him as he started to pull past.  "I just want to see the children, to understand what your wife begged me to protect.  It was the last thing she said."

     At that, Robbie inhaled sharply as though he'd been punched, and he felt he were going to lose it any second. He shifted into park. 

     Shoshan gently touched his arm and whispered.  "I did not mean to hurt you."

     Instead of answering, he worked on controlling his body, breath by breath.  Behind him, he heard another driver honk, forcing him to tap his turn signal so the car would go around.  He'd always heard it was little things that triggered grief and that had always puzzled him.  Now he knew why.  There were no "little" things when it came to people you loved.  Everything was important and could bring you to your knees.

     Without warning, Shoshan drew her arms about him and held her as close as possible, letting him cry as she shielded him world the world.  No words passed between them.  After all, there was nothing Shoshan could say that would change the past.  While she might be an alien light years from home, even she could not change certain things no matter how badly she wanted to.

     Robbie didn't know how many minutes he passed in her arms, and even though she would never be his Carrie, he did find comfort in her nearness, enough to finally wipe his face and slowly pull away.  She was staring at him, and he felt it; he simply didn't have a clue what to say or how to say it.  He just knew he hated the silence.

     He took a ragged breath and glanced into his rear-view mirror, where the park waited, its grounds filled with kids of all ages--running around, sliding and swinging.  They were laughing.  He didn't have to hear them; he could imagine it.  Around them, the trees were bright green with promise, and the sky shimmered, an unfailing blue that seemed to stretch on forever, and as he thought about it, he realized that's the same way his childhood was: endless.

     He could see Shoshan looking back at the park, eyes wide with a wonder and joy so pure it hurt to watch--just another way Shoshan would never be human, not when she found so much beauty and awe in this world.

     "You really want to go to the park?" Robbie asked, his voice uneven.

     The smile that had lit up Shoshan's face slowly dimmed before vanishing altogether.  "It's all right," she said, averting her eyes.  "We don't have to."

     Scrutinizing her expression, Robbie quickly realized that she was not telling the truth but was simply trying to avoid causing him more pain.  Somehow she felt responsible for everything, even though she’d only acted in a way to help him--she had tried to comfort Carrie during her last moments, and she had saved his child's life, something no one else could have done.

     Without another thought, Robbie tapped his turn signal, checked for traffic both ways, and turned the car around so he could head back to the park.

     "What are you doing?" Shoshan asked.

     "Taking you to the park," he said, pulling into a parking lot.

     He started to get out, but Shoshan settled a hand on his wrist, staying him.  "But I thought this place brought you sadness."

     He shook his head.  "No, it's missing Carrie that makes me sad.  It has nothing to do with the park or any other place.  I'll miss her wherever I go, for as long as I live."

     He didn't wait for Shoshan's response because he knew it wouldn't matter what she said.  She must have sensed his feelings because she didn't try to answer.

     As he stepped into the late afternoon sun, he walked around to the passenger side, opened her door, and waited for her to get out.  Shoshan looked at him, searching his face for something, though what he didn't know, and finally slipped out of the truck so he could shut the door.

     Together they walked toward a picnic table not far from the playground, but instead of watching the kids, Robbie found himself staring at Shoshan.  Her lips had tugged themselves upwards into a broad smile, and her eyes seemed to glow with a warmth that reminded him of Carrie's when she'd first found out she was pregnant.  She seemed to literally glow with happiness.  The sunlight burned through her strawberry-blonde hair, giving it a sort of a diffused glow of its own almost like a halo.

     When they'd reached the table, Robbie patted the bench and said, "Have a seat" as lowered himself in the next space.

     She briefly looked away from the swing set and eased herself on the bench before turning her focus back to the swings, to a toddler with blonde ringlets enjoying being pushed by her daddy.  Although the kid tried to pump her legs, she was too uncoordinated, and besides--she was having way too much fun enjoying her back-and-forth momentum.  She laughed.

     "How old is she?" Shoshan asked, nodding to the girl.

     "Maybe two and a half," Robbie said, rubbing his neck where a muscle twinged, probably because he'd slept wrong on it or something.  "I'm not all that great at guessing ages, so I'm probably the wrong person to ask."

     "But you wanted a child?"  She slid her hand across the table and set it on his.

     "Yeah, but Carrie was much better at dealing with kids than me.  I'm an only child, and Carrie came from a large family."  He looked at the table, his mind flashing back to memories of Carrie.  "She wanted a large family, and I wanted to make her happy."

     "You did make her happy, Robbie."  She squeezed his hand.

     "How do you know?"

     Shoshan licked her lips.  "I told you Carrie was no longer alive and that I took her form in to save the baby, but that doesn't mean I don't know her thoughts and feelings.  Whatever it is that makes up her core is still inside me, Robbie, and I know how she felt about you."

     At that, Robbie flinched.  It was all too much, and he felt he was breaking down bit by bit.  Instead of looking at Shoshan's face, he stared at the ground ahead of him.  It was safer that way, while the pain was this close to the surface, raw and ready to destroy him.

     Robbie wondered what he could say next, but then the world erupted in screams--loud piercing cries.

     "She's not breathing.  Someone help me!" It was a man who yelled--terrified.

     Immediately, Robbie and Shoshan looked up to find a crowd gathered at the swings where the little girl had been.  Robbie managed to glimpse the empty swing swaying back and forth, and it didn't take a neurosurgeon to realize the girl was now lying on the ground, and that that was why there were now so many people around.

     And she wasn't breathing. 

     Robbie shook his head, trying not to memorize the scene unfolding around him. If that little girl died, he would replay this scene as well, especially if and when his child were old enough to have a similar accident.

     He was still trying to wrap his head around what was happening when Shoshan started forward, sprinting for the crowd.

     "Sh--Carrie, wait!" he yelled and looked around, wondering if anyone had heard him start to call her by the wrong name.  He tried to grab her arm, but Shoshan was too quick.

     He thought she might look back, but she didn't.  Instead, she elbowed her way among the people surrounding the child.  For a few seconds, Robbie wondered what she expected to do that would make any difference.  She didn't know how to heal that little girl, that was the reason that she couldn't save Carrie.  Did she really expect this would be any different?

     Robbie shook his head and strode forward as the realization hit him: while Shoshan might not be able to do anything to help, she could center way too much attention on herself if she acted strangely, and that was something neither of them could afford.  He had to do something.

     As he headed for the circle gathered around the child, he found that while Shoshan had seemed to effortlessly slip in around all the spectators, he wasn't so lucky.  He had to bustle around them because they just weren't moving, and there really didn't seem to be much he could do to get past them no matter how hard he tried.  Still, he saw Shoshan had edged into the immediate area near the father and already had her hands on the child.

     Robbie started to call out, to tell Shoshan to back off, but even before the words came out, he knew he couldn't say anything, that it was too late.  Whatever was going to happen was out of his hands; all he could do was watch and hope things worked out somehow--not that things had gone so well before this.

     He found himself raking his fingers through his hair, frowning. 

     "She's not breathing, and her neck...it's not right."
The father hovered closer, and Shoshan leaned toward the child.  The tiny, flowered dress barely came to the little girl's knees, and a fine layer of dust covered her black patent leather shoes.  As Shoshan leaned in, she brushed the hair from her face and leaned over to give her CPR, something that Robbie hadn't thought she knew how to do, yet her movements were efficient, like she'd done this before.  That's when it hit him: Shoshan hadn't known, but Carrie had, and Shoshan had admitted that part of Carrie was still inside her.   That part was helping to guide the alien.

     But what about the girl's neck? Had it been broken?

     Robbie edged closer, craning his neck to get a better look.  He had to take two or three steps before he managed to catch a glimpse, and what he saw horrified him.  That little girl had clearly flown out of the swing and landed wrong.  Her neck was at an odd angle, most definitely broken.

     "Hell," Robbie muttered, his vision dwindling to that little girl and Shoshan. Once again, he wanted to call out--to warn her to stop--but he didn't really believe she could do anything to change things.  Still, he felt his body tense, sensing nothing could go well here.

     "Is she dead?" a woman whispered to her friend.  They stood right beside Robbie so there wasn't a way he couldn't have heard exactly what she'd said.

    
Damn it, Shoshan
, get away from there. 
There's nothing you can do.
  He folded his arms across his chest. 

     Shoshan leaned over and began to breathe for the child.  Her hair swept the child's face from his view, and the jitters he'd felt before were starting to amass into a full blown panic.  What did Shoshan think she was going to accomplish?  Even if she tried to do the compressions, her bandaged arm was only going to give her grief.  There was more than just a little irony in that the only person who knew how to do CPR was someone who shouldn't have been doing it.  Robbie didn't even know how.

     An ambulance wailed in the distance, and there was no way the EMTs were going to change anything.  This little girl was beyond saving. Robbie wasn't sure of much, but this was pretty cut and dried.  

     As Shoshan drew back to do the compressions, that's when all hell broke loose.  Everyone had seen the crookedness of the toddler's neck; they knew what it meant, just as Robbie did, yet when Shoshan sat up and poised a couple of fingers just beneath the child's sternum to do the compressions, he realized that the neck was straight.

     His shoulders sagged as he realized what Shoshan had done.  He didn't have a clue how, but now it couldn't be undone.  It wasn't that he didn't feel extraordinarily grateful that the child would live.  He was worried what that would mean for Shoshan.

     "Her neck," that same woman whispered, pressing her hand to her mouth.   Her eyes were wide with wonder.  "It's not broken anymore."

     There were other whispers, especially as the child suddenly opened her eyes and saw Shoshan.  True to her word, the alien had managed to hold her Carrie's form intact so no one else had seen her for what she was, but that had become the least of their worries.  The crowd had seen what she was capable of.

     The ambulance arrived, and Robbie held his breath, half expecting he'd see Dallas Stanton emerge from the vehicle, but he didn't.  Shoshan was still sitting next to the child as she started to scream, and immediately her father knelt before the child, displacing Shoshan.  Even his face was ashen, and he'd been the beneficiary of Shoshan's gift.

     Robbie should have been more forceful in warning her, and had he known she could do something like this, he would have, but this whole scenario was full of things he didn't know and couldn't handle.  His world was on the precipice, ready to fall over, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

     Even after the child was taken from the ground in front of her, Shoshan kept sitting there.  Robbie looked back at the ambulance and saw two other men, and that's when he finally exhaled with relief.  At least one thing had gone right in this nightmare. 

     As he stepped toward Shoshan, he saw all the people watching her, waiting for her to do something else.  It seemed it wasn't enough that she looked identical to Carrie.  They sensed something was different, and he was now stuck near a time bomb.  He didn't know when it was going to explode, only that it would.  He sensed the fuse had been lit.

     "Carrie," he said, kneeling to grasp her arm.

     She didn't turn, and he half thought she might not.  She still wasn't completely used to answering to a name not hers, no matter how hard she tried.  Hell, she'd been good enough to fool the people who'd wanted to be fooled, but not everyone wanted that.