Surrender (The Forbidden Series Book 3) (7 page)

Pulling away from her I wipe my mouth and chin with my forearm, reaching into my pocket for a handkerchief to wipe the last remnants of her from my face, but I can still taste her. And I want that. I want to lie in bed tonight and still feel her coming in my mouth; hot and wet and beautiful.

I stand up, and she takes my face in her hands and guides me towards her, kissing me gently, her tongue touching my lips as licks herself off me and I groan quietly because my cock’s still hard, there’s no let-up there.

And then she smiles and pulls back and she begins to walk away, looking back over her shoulder at me and I know – I just know. And I can’t help smiling, too…

Seven

Kira

I don’t know what I’ve just done. It was like something or someone else had taken over every cell in my body the second we were alone. And what happened next, I had no control over it, I just knew I had to have him. That pull, that connection, it’s still there. It never went away, I’d just tried to convince myself it was nothing, that it didn’t matter. But it
did
matter; it
does
matter. Because he touched me, and I felt alive, all over again. He touched me and he woke me up, he pulled me back to a reality I refused to acknowledge was real. And I regret that it happened, that I
let
it happen, like this, when hurting people is all this is going to achieve. But at the same time, I know what’s got to happen now. I can’t lie, to myself or to anyone else.

I run straight to the bathroom, and curse quietly under my breath that it has to be Joey who’s on his way out as I approach. And all it takes is one look at me and he drags me off down the hallway until we reach what I assume is his and Benni’s bedroom. The huge walk-in closet is the giveaway.

‘Alright, missy. Talk.’

I run my fingers through my hair and lean back against the wall, trailing a hand over my thigh where just minutes earlier Neal’s fingers had dug just a little too deep, the tiny red marks still slightly visible. ‘I’m in trouble, Joey.’

He perches on the edge of the dressing table that runs the entire length of the wall and folds his arms, his gaze never leaving mine. ‘Blue Eyes, huh?’

I nod, breaking the stare to glance down at the floor, my bright pink nail varnish a stark contrast to the dark grey carpet. ‘Yeah. Blue Eyes.’

‘This was always going to happen, Kira. Wasn’t it? Be honest, angel. It was always going to happen.’

I slowly raise my head, my eyes once more locking with his.

‘You were always going to come to my wedding,
he
was always going to come to my wedding, so this, it was always going to happen.’

I cock my head and frown.

‘Look, angel, all that white picket fence and small-town-girl crap you were trying to spin, that never did sit right with me.’

My frown deepens, and I don’t know why I suddenly feel a touch defensive, but I kind of do. Because he’s hit a nerve?

 
‘It isn’t you. It doesn’t suit you. You were never exactly ‘Little House on the Prairie’ before, were you? And you’re not cut out to be that way now.’

‘Would you prefer it if I dressed in next to nothing and worked the streets in the evenings?’

‘You’re just being facetious now.’

‘I’m was happy, Joey. Alright?’

‘And that’s all I ever wanted for you, angel. But are you
still
happy? Hmm? With Jon? When you wake up every morning does your heart race and your skin prickle with excitement when he touches you? When he kisses you? Does it?’

‘Joey, I…’ I’m not exactly sure what he’s doing here, and it’s confusing me slightly. I wasn’t actually expecting this.

‘Does he make you feel the way Neal made you feel just minutes ago when you let him fuck you out there on my terrace?’

‘Joey!’

‘Come on, Kira. I’ve seen that look before. You’re all flushed and ever-so-slightly ruffled, and I recognise it, OK? That’s post-Blue Eyes sex that is.’

‘Jesus…’

‘You know, I’m not even worried that this has a very strong chance of creating dinner party entertainment I could well do without tonight, on the eve of my wedding. I just want you to finally make a choice. To look at what really makes you happy… What do you
really
want, Kira? The love of your life, or the life you love? Because I’m not sure you can have both.’

‘I don’t need that excitement anymore.’

He raises an eyebrow and purses his lips, like he always does when he knows I’m not telling him the truth.

‘I don’t, Joey.’

He lets out a frustrated sigh, and I kind of feel like doing the same. All of a sudden a wave of confusion has swamped me, overtaking everything and I just don’t know – I don’t
know
what I really want. The love of my life, or the life I love. Because I really can’t have both, Joey’s right. I can’t. But no matter what he thinks, he’s only ever seen the outer edges of my life every time he and Benni visited me and Jon in Maine. He doesn’t get to see what goes on behind closed doors; the nights of crazy sex and dirty games I play with my handsome fiancé. It may look like it’s all wholesome and nice but underneath it all I’m still Kira Blu. She just doesn’t come out to play as often as she used to. She doesn’t do public performances anymore.

‘Are you really happy, Kira?’

Joey looks at me as he repeats his question, and the concern on his face unsettles me slightly. He really thinks I’m not happy with Jon? I’m happy, with Jon. I loved him for so long, and being with him was all I ever wanted for a huge part of my life. Before I met Neal Cannon. And yes, he came back, and he stirred up all those old feelings, all that love and pain and hurt and I still loved him. Still wanted him. But then Kris appeared. And I came back to New York. And
this
happened…

‘You have to make a choice, Kira. And you have to make it now. Because you aren’t being fair, to either of them. To yourself. It isn’t fair to play this game anymore. You have to make a choice.’

He’s right. I know he’s right. But that doesn’t make anything any easier.

 
‘And it would drive me mad, I have to say. If I had to live there permanently. I mean, don’t get me wrong, angel, that house of yours is beautiful, but… I really couldn’t live with that peace and isolation on a permanent basis.’

I look at Joey through slightly narrowed eyes. ‘Well, it’s lucky you don’t have to, then, isn’t it?’

‘Are you telling me there isn’t even the smallest part of you that wants to come back to New York and live a little?’

‘Joey…’

‘I don’t want you doing anything you’re going to regret, kiddo. OK? So I’m going to push you and push you until you allow yourself to admit what you really, truly want.’

‘You think I’m going to regret marrying Jon?’

‘I didn’t say that.’

‘It’s what you meant.’

‘Don’t put words in my mouth, Kira.’

‘It’s what you meant.’

He stares at me, and I know – I can tell, he’s fighting it, but he’s going to say it anyway. ‘I just think… now that the wedding’s getting closer, are you sure this is what you want?’

‘I want
him
.’

‘Do you?’

I can’t say anything. All of a sudden the words won’t come, my mouth’s gone dry and I feel just a little bit sick.

‘Do you
want
him, Kira? Like you want Neal? Or do you just want the safety and familiarity that Jon can give you? Is that the Kira I know? The one who wants to feel safe and comfortable?’

‘I love him, Joey. I lost him, twice over, and I don’t know if I can face losing him again.’

‘What’s he really offering you, angel? A steady life, a…’

‘I thought you liked him.’

‘I do. I think he’s a good man, a man who could look after you; a man who could give you everything you want but… I don’t think that’s what you need. And I don’t think it’s what you
want
, not deep down inside. I just think you got scared, of what you were feeling for Neal. And when Jon came back on the scene and offered you that safe and comfortable life you’d once dreamed of… You’d moved past that, Kira. You’d left that behind and you’d changed.’

I hate him for this, I really do. He’s not supposed to do this. He’s supposed to be my best friend, and I need his support, I don’t need
this
.

‘You still have feelings for him, don’t you? For Neal?’

I stare down at my left hand, at my engagement ring, and I remember how I’d felt when Jon had slipped that ring on my finger. I’d felt happy and loved and… I hadn’t felt excited. And once more that painful realisation slams into me with a force that leaves me winded.

‘Neal was my beautiful escape,’ I whisper, my eyes still focused on my engagement ring.

 
‘I know he was, Kira.’

‘And we were good together. We were, and I really thought… I thought I loved him. I wasn’t lying when I told him that. I just…’ I throw back my head and sigh quietly, and I’m unable to keep the frustration out of that sigh. ‘He deserves better than me.’

‘Oh, stop with the self-pity, Kira, it never did suit you. He’s hardly been an innocent himself, stringing that poor girl along all this time when it’s been quite obvious to everyone around him that his heart was never in that relationship.’

I drop my head again, my fingers now twisting my engagement ring round and round my finger.

‘He’s just been waiting for
you
to come back. Because he knew you would.’

I look up at him, frowning slightly.

‘
You
knew you would, kiddo.’

‘I…’ I shake my head. ‘No, Joey, I didn’t.’

‘Are you coming home, Kira?’

My frown deepens, and I know what he’s doing now and it scares me, but I think I need this. I think I need to face up to this, before I make a mistake. Another mistake. And I’ve made enough of those, I really don’t need to make any more.

‘I can’t do this to him, Joey. To Jon. I can’t do it again.’

But I have to. I know that, so I don’t know why I’m making this worse than it needs to be.

‘So, you’re going to, what? Stay with him because you don’t want to hurt him?’

‘I still love him. I’ve always loved him.’

‘I know, babe. I know you love him, I can see it, when I look at you together. And he loves you, too, but you can’t stay with someone to keep
them
happy. You can’t do that, angel. It isn’t fair on you, or them.’ He walks over to me and I look up at him. ‘Listen, Kira, I know how hard this must be, but you took one look at Neal tonight, and you felt that connection. You
felt
it, right?’

I nod slowly, and I feel a pain so real and so raw tear through me; a guilt so deep and vast I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.

‘You and Jon, you tried. You took that chance and you gave it a go; you tried. But it didn’t work out, OK?’

‘I really don’t want to hurt him, Joey. I don’t want to hurt anyone.’

‘Then leave him. Before you do.’

‘Now? Tonight? Before your wedding? I… Jesus, Joey…’

I close my eyes and take a run of deep breaths as I feel my stomach contract in waves of nerves and nausea and panic. I feel sick, and slightly out of it; like all of this is happening to someone else and I’m just watching. I’m certainly not controlling it.

‘I want to see my brother.’

My voice is quiet, but I’m almost resigned now, to what I have to do. I’ve all but accepted the choice I’ve had to make. It’s just been too quick, that’s all. Everything, it’s all happened too fast and I need it to slow down, just a little bit. I need to catch my breath and make sure that this decision I’m about to make, I need to make sure it’s the right one.

‘I need to see Kris.’