Sunsets (14 page)

Hope was a terrible thing to lose, Alissa decided. She had
teetered on the brink of that abyss herself. Even now, with circumstances going so well for her, she didn’t have much to look forward to. What she needed was something to hope for, some kind of dream to propel her forward.

She had her dream of running her own agency. But she hadn’t spent much time thinking about that lately. Maybe she needed to put some of those thoughts back into motion.

As much as she hated to admit it, the only frayed bit of a dream she had had lately was to get married. She desired stability, a home, children, and someone she could feel safe with, even after he knew all her intimate secrets, someone who would love her for who she was.

Alissa picked up speed the last two blocks and ended up at her front door sweaty and ready for a shower. As she entered the kitchen, she thought of Shelly’s words from the previous Sunday, “I want to know you.”

It seemed too good to be true. But perhaps Shelly was someone Alissa could trust. And while a roommate certainly wasn’t a husband, Shelly might turn out to be a close companion for Alissa. Of course, Shelly wasn’t there at the moment. Instead, Alissa was alone—and had to face the assignment of making potato salad for thirty people by four that afternoon. After her shower, she set about her task with concentrated effort, deciding to try to forget the loneliness she felt.

Halfway through peeling the potatoes, there was a knock at her front door. Alissa poked her head around the corner of the kitchen to see the sweet little face of Genevieve’s daughter Anna peeking over the top of the open dutch door.

“Hi,” Alissa said. “How are you, Anna?”

“Fine.”

“Would you like to come in?”

She nodded, and Alissa wiped her hands before reaching
for the knob. “Have you finished the cake over at your house?”

Anna nodded again. “It’s a flag.”

“Yes, I heard about this cake. I’m making potato salad. Would you like to help me?”

Anna shyly nodded again. Her wispy blond hair was held back on the sides by two barrettes with sunflowers on them. She wore overalls with a sunflower embroidered on the front-centered pocket. Apparently she had been informed of Shelly’s rules about shoes because she took off her white sandals when she entered the house.

“Do you have an apron?” Anna asked.

“As a matter of fact, we do.” Alissa lifted Shelly’s blue-and-white-checked apron from the peg on the wall and tied it around Anna’s pencil-thin waist. The apron slid right off.

“My mom ties it under my arms,” Anna said, lifting both arms so Alissa could wiggle the apron up and try tying it again. The little girl looked so cute with the apron covering her whole front.

A deep longing welled up inside Alissa so powerfully that she had to brace herself against the counter. Her memory of Shawna would never go away. The counselor had told her that. But she hadn’t told Alissa how to deal with these overwhelming moments along the way, when the “what if” questions loomed so large.
What if I’d kept her? What if she were standing in front of me today, just like Anna? What if I hadn’t agreed to sign the adoption papers so quickly? What if I could relive my teen years?

The answer to the last question was always simple.
I never would have been so sexually active
. But because Alissa couldn’t go back and change that reality, she sucked up her courage and moved forward.

With a smile to her innocent guest, Alissa said, “Are you ready to make potato salad?”

Anna nodded.

Alissa lifted Anna up to the counter, holding her close for just a second and breathing in the scent of her sun-warmed hair. Alissa’s only comfort was knowing that somewhere the Christian couple who had been so overjoyed to adopt her Shawna were probably lifting her the same way, holding her close, and showering her with kisses.

“Anna,” Alissa said, swallowing her tears and looking into the face of the young one who gazed back at her from the countertop. “I want you to know you are a very special little girl, and I like you very much.”

Anna gave Alissa a shy smile, indicating Anna had soaked up every word.

A few hours later Anna seemed to have decided Alissa was her favorite grown-up. Twenty or so adults gathered in the backyard, but everywhere Alissa went, Anna followed. Genevieve had set up a long table in the shade where Alissa added her contribution of the potato salad.

“I hope you didn’t put pickles in it,” Jake said, leaning over, examining Alissa’s creation. His dark hair was cut shorter than when she had seem him last, and he had been working on his tan. Alissa wondered if a man like Jake would ever be interested in her. His fresh-scented cologne met her nostrils, and she felt a little overpowered by his good looks and strong presence.

“We didn’t put in any pickles,” Anna answered for both of them.

“Good,” Jake said, dishing up a heaping scoop. “I’m not a pickle fan, especially sweet pickles.” He gave a slight shiver. “They should be outlawed.”

“Where’s Brad?” Anna asked.

“He’s around here somewhere,” Jake said, glancing over his shoulder. “Probably looking for some pretty woman to flirt with.”

“Alissa is the prettiest one here,” Anna said, giving her new friend an admiring smile.

Alissa felt herself blushing as an amused grin spread across Jake’s clean-shaven face. “You know why, don’t you?” Jake said to Anna. “It’s because we only allow beautiful women to live on our street. It’s a rule. Every woman on this block must be at least as adorable as you, Miss Anna.” He gave Anna a tender wink and moved on down the food line.

A swell of emotions caught in Alissa’s throat. She could never have her own daughter back, but perhaps she could always have a special friendship with this little girl who now stood beside her. Anna held out a paper plate with wobbly hands, silently asking Alissa to dish up some potato salad for her.

The evening floated by in interesting conversations and loads of food. Alissa enjoyed being a part of it all, but what she enjoyed most was Anna’s companionship. Genevieve’s husband, Steven, had gifted the garden with a new bench swing on a stand, which was positioned under the shade of the large trees lining the back side of the yard. Alissa and Anna spent the twilight hours there, away from the laughter of the crowd, swinging and talking.

“Did you know God made all these trees?” Anna asked. “How did he do it?”

“I’m not sure,” Alissa said, looking up and seeing the greenness of the leaves anew, through this child’s eyes. “God is pretty amazing, isn’t he?”

“Yes, he is,” Anna answered softly. “I asked Jesus into my heart. Do you have Jesus in your heart?”

“Yes,” Alissa said with a tender smile. “Yes, I do. I gave him my heart when I was eighteen years old. At the beach. That was a very happy day.”

Anna nestled her head against Alissa’s shoulder, and
together they watched the rest of the party carrying on around them. Jake and Brad were clearing a spot on the brick walkway to set off the fireworks. Like two little boys, they began lighting their toys before the sun had completely set. Anna hopped down and joined them when they enticed her in their direction with a lit sparkler. But Alissa was content to watch from a distance, her attention focused on Jake.

Both Jake and Brad were terrific with the six or so children who were at the gathering. The men sometimes let the kids light the fireworks, but most of the fountains, Piccolo Petes, snakes, and shooting candles were brought to life by Brad’s matches. He was more into this than any of the kids. Alissa felt a tenderness for him that hadn’t been there before.

What am I doing? I’m watching these guys as if I were a teen, staking out my next target. They are my neighbors. And if I’m going to stay on good terms with all my neighbors, I certainly can’t date either one of these men. That would ruin everything. I like it here. I want to stay. I can’t be dreaming up some false hope just because I’d like some attention
.

After the last fountain was lit and the sulfur haze had begun to dissipate, Genevieve lit the last sparkler and placed it in the middle of her gorgeous flag cake. With a shout of “Happy birthday, America!” she held up the cake and added, “And may God bless America.”

Alissa joined the rest of the party, lining up for cake and ice cream.

“You going to stick around for our bongo-fest?” Brad asked, sliding up to Alissa. It was the first time he had talked to her in a week or so, and she wondered what direction their conversation would go. Would he psychoanalyze her for being an observer rather than a participant during the party? Would the bantering they had going at Chet and Rosie’s wedding start up again?

“If you talk me into it,” she heard herself say.
Where did that come from? Am I trying to flirt with him? What happened to my vow to be only neighbors? Friends?

Suddenly Alissa felt young. The heaviness of her complicated past, the loss of Shawna, and all her other hurts seemed to break up and scatter like a gray rain cloud that sits threateningly on its haunches until the wind blows it away. Alissa felt as if the skies over her were clearing.

“If I talk you into it?” Brad repeated, raising an eyebrow. “How much convincing do you need? It’s the coolest thing we do around here, and it’s by invitation only. Consider yourself one of the few. The inner circle. How could you turn that down?”

Chloe, who had been hiding out in the daisy patch during the party, now strolled up to Alissa and rubbed her warm fur against Alissa’s leg. In a burst of lightheartedness, Alissa scooped up her cat and said, “Only if Chloe can come, too. Invite me, invite my cat.”

Brad shook his head. “You really know how to torture a guy, don’t you? What is it with women and cats? My sister has a cat, too. Do they really keep you company?”

“This one has. Seven years now. I’ve never had a relationship last seven years with anyone before.” As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Alissa felt her heart pounding. She couldn’t believe she had just given away such a big chunk of her personal life, especially to a man who told her she was afraid of her beauty and that’s why she had put on all her weight. What would he have to say now about her lack of relational skills?

“Well, then, Chloe,” Brad said, giving her a civil pat on the head, “may you live long and prosper.”

Alissa edged away from commenting, glad he hadn’t launched into a critique of her relationships. She was beginning
to sort of like this guy, as a person, and she didn’t want his good points to be canceled out by a wrong turn in the conversation. “When do the festivities begin?” Alissa asked.

“When you hear the beat, man,” Brad answered, “when you hear that crazy beat.”

Alissa heard the beat, all right. She had gone inside Genevieve’s to help carry in the last of the party goods when a distinctive beat started up.

“Bongo-fest?” Genevieve asked. She smoothed her long hair back from her face and gave Alissa a questioning look before picking up a dish towel.

“So I’ve been told,” Alissa said, sliding the last bowl into the dishwasher. “Anything else need to go in here?”

“That should be the last of it,” Genevieve said. “You are going to join them, aren’t you?”

“I guess so. At least I received an official invitation.”

“Then you must go. It’s so much fun. If only I were young again.” Genevieve’s voice trailed off, leaving Alissa to wonder. Did Genevieve regret being married or simply being on the edge of mid-life?

Genevieve quickly changed the subject. “My Anna is quite taken with you, Alissa. I hope you don’t mind. She may pop over to see you more than you would like. Just send her home whenever you’re not in the mood for her company.”

“I don’t mind a bit. She’s a very special little girl.”

“Yes, she is. God has gifted us with three special daughters.” Genevieve put down her towel and stepped closer to Alissa. “If this is none of my business, please tell me. But Anna said you have given your life to Christ.”

Alissa nodded. “When I was eighteen. I have to admit, though, I haven’t been real faithful in my church attendance since I moved to Pasadena. But I am a Christian, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“I know a person’s faith is a personal thing, but I’m so glad you’re a believer. I came to know Christ only two years ago through a friend who took me to Bible Study Fellowship. I began to study the Bible, and it all came alive. Do you know what I’m saying?”

Alissa nodded. She had felt that alive once, that zealous about her faith in God. Somehow the fervor had dissipated and was now little more than a polite acknowledgment of Christ as her Savior. Was he the Lord of her life? Probably not.

Outside the open kitchen window, the bongo beat picked up a companion, and two bongos thumped in rhythm. It was the kind of musical reverberation that could be felt up through the feet, under the skin, and close to the heart.

Genevieve reached over and touched Alissa’s arm. “We’re sisters in Christ,” she said. “That means more to me than I can tell you. We can help each other grow.”

Genevieve’s soft gray eyes sparked with warmth. “I’m here for you,” she said softly.

“And I’m here for you,” Alissa repeated. She had never said those words to anyone. But she knew she meant them.

Through her feet, she could hear the bongos beating in tandem. It was as if Genevieve’s and her heart were doing the same.

“You better go,” Genevieve said, giving Alissa a little squeeze. “Don’t keep the bongo boys waiting. I’ll be out in a bit.”