Sunset: 4 (Sunrise) (22 page)

Thank You, God . . . that You would create the universe and send Your Son to die for me and still have time to lead me to that letter. . . . Thank You.

As John opened his eyes, as he stood and returned the book of letters to the top dresser drawer, he felt a happiness he hadn’t felt in years. He would never forget this moment or the way God met him here on the morning of his wedding day.

He went to the window and breathed in long and deep. This was his wedding day! He was going to marry his best friend and begin a life that would take them into their twilight years loving and serving and trusting God together! Great joy welled within him and swelled his heart to nearly bursting. God had brought Elaine into his life, and God had given him the gift of certainty about his decision to marry her.

And something else. The knowledge that somewhere in heaven, Elizabeth was cheering him on.

Luke had taken every detail of his father’s and Ashley’s advice, and in a civil conversation with Reagan, the two of them had agreed to take an hour or two before his father’s wedding to talk. It was just past ten o’clock in the morning when he and his family arrived at Ashley’s house. She and Landon had agreed to take Tommy and Malin for as long as they needed.

“Okay, kids, Mommy and I need you to be very good for Aunt Ashley.” Luke looked over his shoulder at the two of them, both buckled into their car seats. Already this morning Tommy had flown into a full-blown temper tantrum because Malin found his favorite robo-dinosaur and broke off the tail. He sat with his arms crossed, eyes still puffy from his earlier crying. Luke maintained his patience. “I need to hear ‘Yes, Daddy’ from both of you.”

Malin went first, uttering a mournful repetition of the words, and then Tommy followed. But his tone made it clear he wasn’t happy about anything that had happened today. Not the dinosaur, not Malin, and not the idea of being dropped off at his aunt’s house, where he would need to behave.

Luke didn’t dwell on the moment. Reagan opened her car door and began helping Malin out of her seat, and Luke did the same with Tommy. Ashley and Cole met them at the front door.

“Hi, Tommy! I got the bin of LEGOs out.” Cole grinned at his littler cousin. “We can build a whole city if you want.”

The sour look left Tommy’s face instantly. He struggled to get down, and as soon as his Spider-Man tennis shoes hit the ground, he ran to Cole. “It could be a space city! A space city with dinosaurs!”

Gratitude filled Luke and calmed his nerves. “That kid of yours is a keeper.” He reached Ashley and gave her a side hug. Her belly was too big for anything else. “Hey, thanks. . . . I mean it.”

Reagan allowed a faint smile in Ashley’s direction. “We really need this time.”

“I know.” Ashley kissed Reagan on the cheek. “We’ll be praying for you guys.”

“We should be back before noon.” Luke stepped back while Reagan set Malin down. “Is that okay?”

“Plenty of time to get ready for the wedding.” She smiled, and the joy in her expression seemed genuine. She’d come a long way in her acceptance of their dad’s marriage. “Until then we’ll just have playtime.”

Devin appeared at the door, and after a few seconds, he and Malin ran off into the house.

“Thanks again, Ash.”

“Are you kidding?” She grinned at Luke. “Tommy gives us more entertainment than we usually get in a solid week around here.”

They all laughed, and Luke put his hand on the small of Reagan’s back as they walked to the car. The gesture came naturally, and it wasn’t until they reached the bottom of the sidewalk that Luke realized the small victory they’d just experienced. Because this time Reagan hadn’t pulled away.

It’s a good sign, right, God? Please let it be a good sign
. He uttered the prayer silently as he took his spot behind the wheel. There was no answer, but that was okay. God was with them today. Luke knew because he’d spent the last few weeks praying about this moment, making sure—like his dad had advised him—that he had thought through everything he needed to say. Even more importantly, waiting for a time when Reagan was open to talking. Something she’d been opposed to when he brought it up the first time.

It was only through repeatedly asking her and by allowing God to give him patience and kindness toward Reagan that finally she had agreed to the meeting they were about to have.

He filled his cheeks with air and exhaled through pursed lips. As he did, he turned to Reagan. “Thank you for doing this.”

“It means a lot to you. I understand that.” She buckled her seat belt and looked at him. She didn’t exactly smile, but the gentleness in her eyes was something he hadn’t seen in a very long time. Her tone suggested that she felt indifferent about the benefits of the pending talk, but Luke refused to let that discourage him. At least she didn’t sound hurt or angry, something that had marked nearly all their conversations since Christmas.

Luke opened the console between the two front seats and pulled out a Chris Tomlin CD he had burned for the ten-minute drive ahead. He slipped the disc into the stereo and turned the music up just loud enough so the words could fill his soul. “Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. . . . We will wait upon the Lord. . . .”

The truth in the message magnified the hope he felt for the coming hours, and he sang along as he drove. At some parts, it was hard to keep his hands on the steering wheel when all he wanted to do was reach them high to heaven, to the God who could still turn his terrible mistakes into a triumph. If only Reagan would forgive him.

Praise music was a funny thing. After failing as a husband and a Christian, Luke had felt like a hypocrite listening to music like this. But now because of something Ashley told him, he understood differently. Music like this was balm to the soul, a reminder of a perfect God, especially in times of imperfection. So Luke had learned to let the music help him focus not on his own inabilities but on the Lord’s great capabilities.

Reagan shifted in her seat so she could face him. “Where are we going?”

“To the university.” He didn’t want to tell her exactly where they were headed. “I have a spot in mind.”

She studied him for a moment. “You’ve really thought about this.”

“Yes.” The flicker of hope fanned into a bright flame. Luke reached for her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “You have no idea how much.”

Two more songs played out before they reached the parking lot, the one that sat adjacent to the apartment building where Reagan had lived when the two of them started dating. Most kids had gone home for the summer or had things to do on Saturdays, so there were only a few other cars in the lot.

Reagan rolled down her window and stared out at the apartment complex. Then she turned to Luke. She looked puzzled. “This is where you want to talk?”

“Here. Where it all began.” Luke had so much to say that for a few seconds he hesitated, not sure where to begin. But then he forced himself to start with the reason he’d brought her here. “I wanted to find a place that would help us remember the reasons we fell in love. I thought about Lake Monroe and the softball fields on campus, and I thought about the stadium or the creek behind my parents’ house.”

Her eyes held a light that hadn’t been there before.

“All those places had a better atmosphere, but I thought if we were here, it would help me remember not only how much I loved you back then—” his voice was thick as his eyes met hers—“but how much I let you down.”

Reagan tilted her head. “You let me down with Randi Wells.” Her words were not accusatory, just matter-of-fact. “Here . . . here was where you were loyal.”

“No. I knew what God wanted of us, yet that night—” Luke looked straight to her soul—“I allowed things to get out of hand. I let you down, and I’ve never . . .” His emotions got the better of him, and he hesitated, waiting for the strength to continue. “I’ve never asked for your forgiveness about that.”

Reagan’s expression changed, and the hurt in her eyes became so raw it was painful to look at her. She settled back into her seat and folded her arms tight across her chest, her attention once more on the apartment. “I don’t like to think about it.”

“Me neither.” Luke was making progress, but he still had so much more to say. “But the fact is, I blew it that night. I loved you and I wanted to spend my life with you, but I acted outside God’s plan for both of us, and because of that I let you down.”

Her eyes grew distant, and tears spilled onto her cheeks.

“I’m sorry that this is taking you back. But if we don’t go to the past, I don’t think we’ll find any way to keep things together for the future.” He leaned over and lightly brushed the tears off her cheeks. “Please, Reagan . . . I have more to say.”

She sniffed, and when she turned to him, she looked like a brokenhearted little girl. “I’m listening.”

Luke remembered his father’s words. “Moral failure always comes with a price. Until I take responsibility and go back and deal with that part of my past, there can never be real growth. Not for me or for us.”

She gazed at him, fresh tears in her eyes. “You don’t have to say this.”

“Yes, I do.” He reached for her hand again, and though she didn’t pull away, he felt her stiffen beneath his touch.
Help me, God. Open her heart so she can hear what I’m trying to say.
“Reagan, please . . . listen to me.”

A quiet sob shook her. She leaned her head back against the seat. “Go on.”

“My actions that night caused you a great deal of loss, and I’m not sure I’ve ever acknowledged that.” Luke remembered running up her apartment stairs that Tuesday, September 11, knowing that the Twin Towers had collapsed and that her father had most likely been buried in the rubble. The pain of the memory sliced through him like a knife. “Because of me, you missed out on the last conversation you would’ve ever had with your dad. You had to go home believing you’d let your dad down, when he had thought the world of you. He had admired you for taking a stand on purity and for keeping the promise to wait until you were married, and all of a sudden because of me you had to accept that you’d broken that promise.”

Reagan sniffed three times and brought her free hand to her face. “You didn’t let my dad down. I did that. You . . . you can’t take all the responsibility.”

His heart hurt for her, but he needed her to understand. “That isn’t true. It was my job to care for you and treasure you. But that night . . . that night I wasn’t thinking about you or what was best for you or the fact that you were a precious gift from God. I was thinking about myself.”

“Luke . . .”

“There’s more.” He swallowed hard. He’d never meant any words more than these. “You went back home, and in the process of having our son, you lost the ability to have more children. You lost your self-respect before your family and your church friends, and you lost your freedom. You lost the girl you’d been because in such a short time you had to become a mother.”

Reagan lowered her hand. Her tears came harder now, as maybe the sum of all he was saying was finally hitting her.

“I’m responsible for all of those losses. Every consequence that came from my own moral failure.” Luke let his forehead rest against hers. “And until now . . . until now I’ve never asked for your forgiveness.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “Please, Reagan, I beg you. Forgive me for failing you that way. I’m so sorry.”

For a few seconds she remained unmoving, and he wondered if maybe she was going to refuse him. But then he felt her break, felt her arms come up slowly around his neck and her body surrender against his. “If only . . . I would’ve answered the phone.”

In that instant Luke knew that Ashley and his father were right. This was where the problem between them had started, and it was where they needed to begin if they were going to work things out. He ran his hand along her back, holding her, clinging to her. “It was my fault. Forgive me.” He pressed his face against hers. “I’ve failed you so many times, but from this moment on I promise I’ll never fail you again. I love you.”

Reagan wiped her cheeks and looked at him. “I believe you. I really do.” A series of deep sobs shook her shoulders, but she didn’t break eye contact. “I forgive you. But . . . but will you forgive me too?” She breathed out slowly. “Forgive me for all you lost because of that night?”

“Baby, of course I forgive you.” He put his hands on either side of her face. “And thank you for coming here today, for listening to me.”

“We need to get counseling.”

His heart soared. “Definitely.”

“Because I love you too. I don’t want to lose us.”

Her eyes were red and swollen, but in them Luke saw true forgiveness and hope, the redemption they’d both been unable to find before today. Suddenly Luke knew that after today they would never talk about leaving again, that they would get counseling and find again the faith that once bound them. They would tend to the behavior issues of their kids and build a life together day by day. Luke was certain because now he saw in Reagan the tenderness and presence of the Holy Spirit and something else, something he hadn’t known if he’d ever see in her eyes again.

He saw the girl he’d first fallen in love with.