Suicide Note (6 page)

Jenn
March 16, 2010, Tuesday, 9:00 a.m.

“I’ll have a vanilla bean frappe, fat-free milk, extra vanilla, and no whip, please.” I smiled at the young barista behind the counter.

“Size?” he asked as he typed the order into the cash register.

“Venti, please,” I replied and held out my debit card.

I was desperate for some social interaction. I hardly left her house since I broke up with Thomas and it nearly ripped my family in two. My mother and father supported Gail in everything she did. They didn’t see the pain all of her happiness had cost me. I always seemed to come in second to my sister. Gail put hours of effort into her appearance on a daily basis, while I was more relaxed and laid back, opting for a ponytail and a fresh face.

“Coming right up.” He handed me back her card and I moved to the small counter to the left to wait for my order.

“What day is it today?” a woman asked from behind her. I smiled.

“It’s Tuesday,” I called back over her shoulder.

“Thanks,” the woman replied and began typing feverishly on her phone.

“Shit!” I hung my head as the barista sat my frozen drink on the counter in front of me. I had completely forgotten to turn in the Douglas report. It looks like my vacation would start off with going into work.

I popped the straw into my drink and made my way out onto the street.

Shane
March 16, 2010, Tuesday, 9:15 a.m.

I rinsed my body under the warm water, dipping my face under the spray to help wake myself up. I reached down and turned off the spigot before pushing back the curtain and stepping out onto the sunny-yellow floor mat. I lifted my foot as I stepped down on something smooth. I picked up the envelope that was folded in half. It was addressed to me from Jake.

I leaned against the sink and opened the letter I knew contained the bad news of May’s miscarriage.

March 12, 2010

Dear Shane,

I hope everything is well with you. The boys want me to tell you that they miss you very much. I miss you too, buddy. It feels like it has been years since we’ve seen each other. You remember that time when you fell out of the apple tree in Grandma’s yard? I was just telling May about that the other day. You didn’t even cry, even though you had to wear a cast on your foot for weeks. I wish I was as strong now as you were at ten years old.

I don’t know how to write this so I am just going to come out and say it. May lost the baby. She is fine and the doctor assured us that we would be able to try again in the future. The thing is, I don’t think I can. The look of devastation in her eyes nearly killed me. I was so upset and I knew I needed to be strong for her, but I couldn’t.

I wish I was half the man you are. We are all so proud of you. To sign up to be sent to war and to not be scared of what might happen. I just don’t know if I ever told you how proud I am of you I am. We all are. Stay safe.

Jake

The water from my fingertips soaked through the thin white sheet of printer paper revealing writing below. I flicked the edge of the paper to find another piece stuck to it.

To Whom It May Concern:

If you are reading this, I am already gone. I couldn’t live like this anymore. The pain that I keep locked inside is slowly eating away at me. I’m tired. I’m not strong enough to keep all of these feelings bottled up inside of me any longer. I’m sorry.

I reread the suicide note three times before my brain absorbed what I had discovered. I sat the paper on the edge of the sink, as I quickly pulled on my clean clothes, not even bothering to button my jeans as I flew from the bathroom into my makeshift bedroom. I fell back onto the futon as I slipped on my sneakers and bolted from the room.

“May! May!”

“What?” May spun around from the sink where she was washing dishes flinging clumps of soap bubbles onto the ground.

“Where’s Jake?” I ran my hand over my buzzed hair flinging water droplets across the room.

“I told you. He just had to run to work. He should be home soon. I know you boys missed each other, but come on, Shane.” She laughed as she placed the plate into the drying rack.

“I need your car. Can I borrow it for a few hours?”

“Yeah, sure. Just make sure you put some gas back in it,” she called over her shoulder. “Keys are hanging by the door.”

“Thanks, May.” I lurched forward and kissed her quickly on the back of her head.

I took large strides across the living room and grabbed the keys that dangled from the hook beside the front door as my mind raced. I knew my cousin had been hurting after the miscarriage, but I didn’t know what to say to him. What advice could I offer?

Jenn
March 16, 2010, Tuesday, 9:45 a.m.

“Hold the elevator!” I called out across the lobby as I adjusted my sandal, hopping on one foot. I slipped inside and tucked my hair behind my ear.

“Thank you.” I smiled to the man behind me. My eyebrows knit together as I turned back around to see Shane standing behind me.

“Looking for Mr. Philips?” I asked.

He nodded, his look serious. I faced the doors and waited for our ride to the sixth floor to end. As the doors opened, his hand shot out, holding the door back as I stepped out onto my office floor.

“His office is over there.” I pointed across the hall with my drink in hand.

“Thanks.” He gave me a half-smile and walked quickly to the other side of the large room.

I made my way to my desk and turned on my computer, waiting for it to boot up so I could print out the files I needed.

“He’s not there,” Shane called from behind me. “Why are you here?”

“I work here. We met yesterday.” I felt invisible on most days but did this guy really forget he had met me just the day before?

“I know. It’s your birthday.”

“Oh.” His comment had taken me by surprise. A perfect stranger had remembered what my own family seemed to have forgotten.

“I have a report to turn in.” I hovered my mouse over the file and clicked
print.
“He may have gone down to Booth Street. Our sister office is down there. I can show you. Just one minute.” I pushed back my office chair and made my way to the printer to collect my documents. I flipped through the pages, slid a paperclip over the top, and dropped them onto Howard’s desk. Thankfully, he wasn’t at it and I wouldn’t have to make small talk with him as he leered at me.

I sighed as I took in the sight of Shane, his head hung in his hands as his deep-blue T-shirt stretched across his back, showing all of the muscles hidden below. A thin metal ball chain hung just above the collar.

“You’re military?” I asked as I came to a stop next to my chair that he had sat down in.

“Yes, ma’am. Army.”

“I can point you in the direction of that office now.”

“Thank you.” He stood and held out his hand, gesturing toward the elevator.

We stepped inside and the doors pulled closed as we started our descent.

“So are you from around here?”

“North Carolina. Just visiting my cousin. I leave on the twenty-seventh.”

The doors opened and I stepped into the lobby, waiting for Shane to follow.

“Take a right and go to the end of the block, turn left and it’s two blocks farther on the right side.” I smiled and took another drink from my frappe.

“Thanks. Enjoy your birthday.” He nodded.

I couldn’t stifle my laugh.

“What?” His intense gaze locked on to mine.

My eyes fell to the straw protruding from my cup. To say this man was intimidating was an understatement.

“Nothing. Good luck.” Smiling, I took another drink.

“You wanna come? I’m terrible with directions and it’s kind of important I find him.”

I hesitated, chewing the end of my straw.

“I’d be really grateful,” he said. This was the kind of guy who just flashed his baby blues at a girl and got whatever he wanted. I wanted to roll my eyes but the truth was, I didn’t want to be alone. I nodded and took a step forward.

“Sure. I can spare some time.”

Shane pushed open the heavy glass door for the building and waited for me to exit.

“I have a car.” Shane called out from behind me as he made his way to the baby blue station wagon with wood paneling down the side. I turned around and cocked my head to the side, suppressing a laugh.

“What?” He smiled as he made his way to the passenger side and pulled open the door for me.

I walked out into the street, glancing both ways before rounding the front of the car.

“You don’t like my ride?”

I smirked and slipped into the passenger seat, glancing behind me to the seat covered in toys. Shane rounded the front of the car. My eyes danced over his blue cotton T-shirt that hugged the muscles of his chest, his blue jeans old and faded from years of wear.

He pulled open the driver-side door and slid inside. His eyes drifted to the seat behind him before he slipped the key into the ignition and turned the car on.

“It’s not my car. It belongs to May, Jake’s wife.”

The radio blared to life and we pulled out into the street.

“How old are you today?” he asked as he turned down the volume on the stereo.

“Old enough.” I sighed as I watched the pedestrians hustle down the sidewalk.

“To know better?”

My eyes met his and I smiled.

“But still too young to care,” I joked.

“You got big plans?”

“For today or life in general?” I reached out and turned the knob on the radio to change the station. “I’m going to hang out on my bridge and finally finish my book.”

“You always just reach out and play with a man’s knob without asking?” He raised an eyebrow and I turned a deep rose color as my cheeks flushed. “Sorry. I’ve been stuck around guys for a while. I forget my manors.”

“No.” I chuckled. “You’re fine.”

“I’m fine?” We pulled up outside of the office building and Shane shifted the car into park as his eyes locked on to mine causing the butterflies in my stomach to take flight.

“I thought you weren’t good with directions?”

“I actually have a very good memory. I just wanted some company and I thought maybe you could use some.” He shrugged as he opened his door and stepped out of the car.
Did I really look that sad and lonely on the outside?
He made his way around to my side and pulled mine open.

I stood from the car, inches from Shane, who didn’t take a step back. He smelled of minty soap.

“What?”

“Nothing.” He laughed and stepped back, holding out his arm for me to lead the way.

Walking around him, I kept my eyes on him for an extra moment. The door closed behind me and he quickly joined me at my side as I stepped onto the sidewalk. He grabbed the door as I sipped on my drink, and I gave him a nod in thanks, stepping inside as I did.

“Can I help you?” an older woman asked over the rim of her wire glasses from her desk that sat dead-center in the lobby.

“Yes, is Jake Philips in?”

“Just a minute.” The woman picked up the receiver of the phone on her desk and hit a few buttons before talking into it.

“So, the Army, huh? What made you join?” I asked as I turned my back to the desk and leaned against it.

“I wanted to help.”

“Thank you for your service.” I smiled.

He nodded but didn’t say anything.

“Mr. Philips isn’t in. Would you like to leave a message?” the receptionist asked.

“No. Thank you, ma’am.” Shane turned toward the exit. I followed, slurping the last sip of my drink and dropping it in the trash can next to the front door.

“Sorry. I don’t know where else he would be. We don’t talk much.” I stopped on the sidewalk, looking down at my feet.

“Yeah, we don’t either.” He ran his hand through the prickly stubble of his close-cropped haircut and took a deep breath.

“You two aren’t close?”

“We are. He is like a brother to me. It’s just complicated. You have any siblings?”

“A sister.
Very
complicated.” I glanced around him, avoiding eye contact.

“I have another idea of where he might be. You want to come along?”

“I better not. I have celebrating to do.”

“It was nice meeting you, Jenn. Happy birthday.”

“Thanks.” I smiled. He was a stranger and the only person to wish me a happy birthday.

He grinned back before getting into the car and pulling away from the curb. I watched as the car disappeared down the road and turned the corner.

Shane
March 16, 2010, 10:38 a.m.

I pulled up to the bar that Jake and I drank at the night before. As I made my way around back, Jake’s black Jeep came into view. I knew he was hurting over the loss of the baby, but I never expected it to be this bad. Jake was tough and although I never told him, I looked up to him. He had everything I ever wanted in life and it seemed to come so easily for him.

I got out of May’s car and made my way into the side door of Joel’s Tavern. The lights were dim and it took a moment for my eyes to adjust. Jake sat on a barstool toward the right end of the building. I shook my head and made my way through the empty business and sat down next to him.

“You had me really worried.”

Jake glanced over at me and looked down at his beer.

“It’s just a drink.”

“Not about the damn drink, Jake. The letter.”

“What letter?” He thought for a minute and nodded. “I was upset about the baby. I’m better now.”

“Yeah, I can see that.” I nodded to the bartender who filled a beer and sat the mug in front of me.

“You and May have two kids to think about. I get that you are disappointed, but what the hell would your family do without you?”

“Jesus, Shane. It’s just a few drinks.” Jake took a long drink from his glass and set it down on the bar.

“Let me take you home.” I put my hand on Jake’s arm and he jerked away from me.