Suicide Note (5 page)

“I get it. It happens all of the time. No big deal. I’m better off on my own.” I sighed and took another drink wishing I could be spared the humiliation of talking about her.

“Don’t do that, Shane. You don’t have to be the superhero. You can have feelings. No one would blame you if you were hurt or angry.”

“I wasn’t there for her. I let her down. I don’t deserve to be angry.” But I was. I was angry at myself. Had I not reenlisted in the Army, I would still be the one holding her at night and chasing away all of her fears.”

“No one sees it that way, Shane. Life throws us curve balls and we either dodge them or let them knock us down. This one knocked you down, but you can get back up. The Shane I know is a fighter. What happened to that guy?”

“The same could be said for you.” I raised my eyebrow.

Jenn
March 15, 2010, Monday, 9:00 p.m.

The phone rang again. I reached out to my side, never letting my eyes leave my book as I grabbed my phone and turned the volume all the way down. A text message buzzed through while it was still in my hand.

Answer your phone. It’s an emergency. – Mom

I threw my book on my bed and dialed my mother’s number. I was sure what constituted an emergency would be my mother finally remembering my birthday. I breathed a sigh of relief, happy someone had remembered.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as soon as the call connected.

“Well, isn’t this nice,” my mother replied.

“Mom, you said it was an emergency. I’m very busy.”

“Why haven’t you called Eusse?”

“I’m not interested,” I replied with my teeth clenched as I lay back onto my bed and clutched my pillow in my arms. I mentally began to count down from twenty as I closed my eyes.

“Oh, I didn’t realize you were so picky. It’s not like you’re getting any younger,” my mother snapped angrily.

I didn’t need reminding that in only a few hours, I would be another year older and still alone. But that was still no reason to settle for someone like Eusse.

“I’ll think about it.” I hated the way my voice shook as I spoke to her.

“Jenn, you have embarrassed me enough with this man. You need to grow up and stop acting like a child.”

“This is my life and I will see who I chose. Your name is about to be kicked off that list.” Anger consumed me as I struggled to keep my composure.

“You watch your tone, young lady.”

“I’m tired of you and everyone else in my life telling me what to do and who to see!” I turned off my phone and slipped it into the stand beside my bed. I grabbed the tiny metal cord that dangled from beneath the lampshade and pulled it, drowning myself in darkness. My mind replayed the date I had with Eusse as I drifted off into sleep.

Jenn
March 13, 2010, Saturday, 5:43 p.m.

“No, thank you.” I waved away the wine bottle that Eusse held over my glass. It was our second one and I was more than a little tipsy after barely touching my steak and lobster. I would have been much happier with a cheeseburger and fries. “I don’t think I can hold anymore.”

Eusse smiled, revealing deep lines around his mouth and eyes. He was much older than I was, but he had aged well. He took his credit card from his wallet and slid it over the bill, nodding once at the waiter who quickly came to remove it.

“I hear you live nearby. Your mother said your place is…quaint.”

I laughed, knowing that what my mother meant was unlivable. She hated my place, which made me love it even more. It was mine and my decision.

“It is very cozy.” Picking up my glass, I drank the last drops of my pinot noir.

“I’d like to see it.” He removed a pen from his pocket as the waiter placed the check and card back on the table.

“Have a great evening.” The waiter smiled before backing away to tend to his other tables.

“I don’t take people back to my place. It’s not much for entertaining.” The truth was, I didn’t know this man and had no desire to extend the date any longer.

“At least let me be a gentleman and walk you home. It wouldn’t be right for me to let you wonder the streets in your condition.”

There was no polite way to tell him no. He was doing what any gentleman would do, so I simply nodded and stood up. He rounded the table and looped his arm in mine.

“Shall we?”

It was still early and the blast of sunlight as the left the restaurant was unexpected. I wasn’t much of a drinker and the alcohol seemed to affect me tenfold once I was standing.

“That was some really strong wine.” My cheeks flushed.

“Aged to perfection. Much like yourself.” He grinned down at me. His words didn’t seem sweet and caring the way he intended and I cringed.

“This is my place. I should get inside. I have lots of work to do.” We came to a stop in front of my building and I pulled my arm from his, taking a step back.

“You live on the second floor?” he asked, his eyes drifting up the length of the building. I nodded.

“At least let me walk you to your door. Those steps look like they could be treacherous even on a good day.”

I hesitated but stepped inside as he pulled open the main door to the building. His hand found the small of my back as we made our way up to the second story.

“This is me.” I stopped in front of my apartment door and grabbed my keys from my handbag.

“I enjoyed your company very much. It’s a shame to end it here.”

“I had a lovely time, but I have work to do.”

He leaned forward to give me a quick kiss to end the evening, but his hands circled my waist and pulled my body against his. I shoved back against his chest, but that didn’t deter him. His tongue forced its way inside my mouth and out of sheer panic, I bit down, my mouth instantly filling with the taste of something metallic. He pulled back immediately, his hand under his chin catching a trickle of blood that seeped out of his lips.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” His tone was sharp and angry.

“I’m sorry. I must have had more to drink than I realized. I’m really not feeling well. I think I need to take a nap.” I fumbled with my keys in the lock and pushed open the door, stepping inside and holding it closed so only my face was visible. “Thank you for dinner.” I smiled and pushed the door closed, turning the deadbolt. I sighed as I let my back fall against the door, sinking down to my knees as I listened to his footsteps retreat down the wooden staircase.

Shane
March 15, 2010, Monday, 9:57 p.m.

May gave me a one-armed hug as I entered their home, flashing her husband, Jake, a stern look.

“The kids have been struggling to keep their eyes open waiting for you.” She folded her arms over her chest, her curly red hair hanging haphazardly in her face as she narrowed her charcoal-gray eyes at him.

“I’m sorry, May. We needed some guy time.” Jake pulled his wife into his arms and kissed her softly on the forehead. Her stern look softened and gave way to a smile.

“Not sure if it’s the alcohol or the suddenly display of affection, but I think I’m going to be sick.” I joked as I rubbed a hand over my eyes.

“Go say goodnight to the kids,” May called after me as I stumbled toward the kitchen and filled a glass of water from the sink. I nodded and gulped down the cool liquid before wondering back into the hallway. I pushed open the first door on the left that was cracked open with a television illuminating the walls.

“Hey!” I whispered loudly, but no one responded. I smiled as I tiptoed inside and shut off the television before heading back to the living room where Jake and May had settled into the couch in each other’s arms.

“They are out.” I smiled. “I think it’s past my bedtime too.”

“I set up the guest room for you. Last door on the right,” May replied as she snuggled into Jake’s chest.

“Thanks.” I stumbled back down the hall and pushed open the guest bedroom door. I felt the wall until my fingers flicked the light switch. It was blinding and took me a moment to be able to look around.

The walls were covered in pictures of the family. A small desk sat in one corner and an old futon against the far wall. A few boxes were stacked neatly beside the door. I flipped the light back off and fell onto the bed, not even bothering to take off my shoes.

Jenn
March 16, 2010, Tuesday, My Birthday

My birthday began uneventfully. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in past 6:30 a.m., even though I had taken the day off work.

The sun streamed through the sheer curtains, making it impossible to ignore the day. I climbed out of bed, still dressed in my clothes from the night before. As my eyes connected with my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I cringed.

I looked like death, which was fitting for someone who had virtually given up on every aspect of her life. I turned on the sink and splashed cold water on my face, letting it run over my chin and down the length of my throat. Thomas and I had made plans to go on a two-week cruise for my birthday. I had been saving up my vacation days at work all year. That, like everything else in my life, was just another disappointment. I was too embarrassed to cancel my vacation time and give any credibility to the rumors that circulated at work about me.

I squeezed some toothpaste onto my brush and began to clean my teeth as tears fell from my eyes. I glanced over at my nightstand where my phone sat. I sighed and spit the toothpaste into the sink. Visions of Gail waking up this morning next to Thomas turned my stomach. I rinsed my mouth out with water and decided getting out of my apartment was what I needed. Pulling my dress over my head, I let it fall to the floor in the bathroom as I walked back to my bedroom. I grabbed a pair of jeans and a pale yellow T-shirt from the laundry basket and pulled them on. Picking up my purse, I glanced over at my phone. It was better to leave it than to spend the day being reminded how no one cared.

Shane
March 16, 2010, Tuesday, Too Early

“Turn off the light!” I yelled as I pulled the pillow tighter over my head. May stepped in the doorway and laughed.

“That’s the sun and it isn’t going down anytime soon. Get up and shower. You will feel and smell better.”

“Fine.” Groaning, I let the pillow slip onto the floor. The futon was less comfortable than the cots I had the pleasure of sleeping on in Iraq. I never thought I would miss those.

I pushed myself from the bed and yawned as I stretched the tight muscles in my back.

“Jake brought your bags in this morning. He had to run to the office. Something about paperwork. He should be back any time,” May called from the kitchen.

“Thanks.” I stepped out of the room and grabbed my duffle bag. I didn’t have much in the way of civilian clothes but enough to get me by until I could do laundry or go shopping. I dragged the overstuffed bag into my room and pushed the door shut with my foot. Grabbing my dog tags that were tucked below my T-shirt, I pulled them off my neck so could use the key for the lock that held my bag closed.

I dug out fresh jeans and a T-shirt before slipping my tags back over my neck. Even though the bag had rarely been open overseas, everything was dusted with a fine coating of sand. Not the kind of sand you would find on a beach in America. It was more like baby powder and impossible to get rid of.

Grabbing the base of my shirt, I pulled it over my head. I unbuttoned my pants, letting them ride low on my hips as I grabbed my change of clothes and made my way to the bathroom across the hall.

The walls were painted a pale yellow and little rubber ducks covered nearly every surface, including the back of the toilet. I laughed and shook my head as I pushed down my jeans and boxer briefs and stepped into the shower. I turned on the water and let it run over my toes as I waited for it to warm up. It felt amazing. One of the simple pleasures of life. They had a shower trailer at the FOB but after a few RPGs, it wasn’t much good for anything. We had been promised a new trailer but other things had taken priority in the war and the soldiers were not at the very top of the list. As long as they were fed and armed, the fight could continue.

I turned the knob, causing the water to spray out onto my chest. I grabbed the bottle of liquid soap from the shelf and squirted some into the palm of my hand. My fingers ran over my chest, grazing the three-inch scar that marred my body.

Shane
February 18, 2010, Thursday, Baghdad, Iraq

“Get him off of me!” Owens screamed as the blood and dirt seeped across his face.

“Hold on, O!” I screamed, my voice straining from the extreme rush of adrenaline that was pulsating throughout my body.

We were on a routine patrol inspecting the shops and keeping an eye out for anyone who looked like they were up to no good. Within a minute, we went from laughing and joking to complete disaster. A deafening boom followed by dust and debris. The soldiers weren’t the targets of the attack.

“Jesus, I can smell him burning!” Owens was on the verge of a complete panic attack as I struggled to find my battle buddy amidst all of the chaos.

“You hurt?” I yelled over the ringing in my ears as I grabbed ahold of Owens and pulled him out from under the body that trapped him.

“My pride is wounded and my ears hurt like hell. You?” He yelled back. My hand rubbed over my chest, which was now warm and wet. A piece of debris had struck me as the building blew apart.

“I’ll live.”

“Jones!” Owens screamed as we continued to work deeper into the frenzy to find the other soldiers who were along on the patrol.