Sudden Hope (9 page)

Jenny reluctantly lets me go.
She usually tries to talk me out of it more, but at the same time knows it is a losing battle. I am me and she knows that means I am not backing down. I just need to be alone and the only place I can do that is in my room.

Once
I walk up to the porch I look back to see she is still sitting in my driveway, like she is waiting for something bad to happen. I give a quick wave and open the door. My house is empty and I let out a sigh of relief. Only six more months and I will not have to worry about it anymore. I wish I didn't have to deal with my mother and Ryan now, but that was not a choice I was given. I will deal with the cards that are dealt to me but that doesn’t mean I have to like them.

Soon as
I get upstairs, I climb into my bed. Maybe, just maybe I can get a little rest and deal with everything in the morning. Thank God I am wearing sweats because changing my clothes at the moment is not what I want to do. I curl up under the quilt that Mrs. Gina made me, and quicker than I thought possible, I drift off to sleep.

Too soon, m
y doorbell rings and I want to kill someone. Really, one night that’s all I really need. Just one night, is that too much to ask? As I get up, I check my phone to see what time it is. Oh my God I forgot to call Danny and cancel for tonight. Well that explains the seventeen missed phone calls and ten texts on my phone. Shit I really need to get myself together. The doorbell continues to ring and I hear footsteps barreling down the hall.

“What the hell do you want
, boy?” Great, it is Ryan and I know that has to be Danny at the door.

“I want to talk to
, CC,” Danny says with authority.

“She's not here boy, get the hell out of my house
,” Ryan says with a drunken slur. I race to the top of the stairs. I know Danny will start a fight with Ryan. He doesn’t like him. No one does!

“I'm right here
, Danny. Give me a moment.”

Ryan's head swings around “Oh, guess the bitch came home.”

Danny's hand balls up into a fist and I run down the stairs. I throw my arms around him knowing that it will calm him down. Ryan walks away mumbling under his breath, “Slut.” I hear him, I just hope Danny hasn’t.

Danny looks at Ryan and gives him a disgusted look. I fe
el him flinch. Guess he did hear him. Then his eyes turn back to me. He holds me in his arms and I have never felt so much emotion. His smell is like a sweet breeze blowing on a warm summer day as I lean in to inhale his scent. If I could, I would wrap myself in it and keep it with me forever.

“How’s my baby girl doing?”
he asks while still holding me. I can feel his breath on me blowing warmly through my hair. It sends a shiver throughout my entire body. I have waited so long to be held in his arms. Wishing we could stay like this forever, I rest my head on his chest.

“I’m good
, doll! I’m sorry I didn't call you. I needed some time and I guess I just crashed.” I am holding him like I never want to let him go.

“It is okay
, baby. I was just worried and when you didn’t answer your phone I called Jenny, she told me you came home.” A little frown forms on his face.

“I know but I need time, Danny
. I need to think.” I don’t want to have this conversation right now. Not here standing in my doorway. Not with him holding my like this. I want to freeze the moment. In my heart I know that I can’t though.

“Can we go for a walk?” Danny
asks.

“Yes
,” I reply as I reluctantly let go of our embrace and turn to get my coat.

It
’s cold outside but I know I need to do this now and not in my house. I need to tell Danny I cannot be with him until I figure out the Chris situation. A tear forms in my eye and I try to hide my face but of course Danny sees it.

“What’s the matter
, baby? What's with the tears?” He looks so sad and I hate that I am the reason to cause it. He knows it is going to be bad, but I think he still has hope.

I shrug my shoulders and just start walking. How am I going to start a conversation I don’t want to have? How am I going to do this? I feel another tear start to fall and Danny stops walking.

“CC, please tell me what is going on?” he is begging now. “Please tell me why you are crying.”

Danny look
s better than I ever thought he could when he was standing at the bottom of my stairs. He was so happy just a few minutes ago. He is smiling at me but it is the saddest smile that I have ever seen. He is looking at me like I always want him to, like I am his and I mean everything to him. But he is about to get his heart broken and I am about to deliver the blow. I want so much to be with him. I want so much to be the one that makes him happy and I know one day I can be, but not today, not now. It is not our time and it is killing every part of me, every emotion I have inside of me is twisting in an internal battle. He is my one true love and as much as he wants me it cannot happen. Not now.

I know I cannot lead him on any more than I already am. I have to tell him. I look up at him and I just start to cry. He deserves so much more than me, so much more than I can give him.

“I'm so sorry
, Danny.”

“What is the matter
, CC? What's wrong?”

I cannot speak I just stand here and cry. He doesn’t say anything else, nothing. He just holds me while my tears stream down my face. The cold is making my tears seem like fire burning down my cheeks and that is exactly what I deserve for hurting him. He grabs me around my waist and gently lowers me to the ground. We sit there for what seems like an eternity.

“I'm so sorry, Danny. I'm so incredibly sorry.” I keep my head down because I know if I look at him I won’t be able to breathe.

“What’s the matter
, baby? Please just tell me?” He is just too sweet. He is just everything I want but I am about to throw it all away. I just hope he will understand, and not hate me.

“I can’t go with you tonight and I can’t be with you right now.” I am talking through tears and broken breaths. He looks so lost, confused.

“I don't understand. Why, CC? This is what we've always wanted, I know it. I've seen it in your eyes. You’re not even giving us a chance.” He is shaking his head with his eyes closed so tight. I know I am killing him.

“It’s just I need to be with Chris, he needs me.” I am sobbing. It is not what I want to say to him. He knows it. I know it, but I have to be with Chris and help him.

“CC, I know that is what you think. What you feel in your heart is right, but what he needs, you can’t give him. Don't you understand I need you and you need me?” He is starting to tear up. I don’t want to be his reason for pain. He starts to speak again and I stop him.

“Please
, Danny. I have to do this. I can’t be with you right now, no matter what my heart feels. I just can’t.” I try to get up to walk away, I need to go. If I look at him any longer I will change my mind.

He looks at me with sadness in his eyes
. The kind I never want to be the cause of, the kind that he may never come back from, a sadness that will eventually cause hatred. He holds me close to him I can feel the heat from his body, the smell I always dreamed I would have. I do not want to listen to the words he is going to say but I know I owe him that much, I owe him everything.

“I love you! I am your
, doll. Your hope! You are the one I need more than anything in my life. I know I can’t be with you right now or that you feel like you can’t be with me right now, but remember I will be the one that is there for you. All you have to do is call, yell anything. I will run to you and make it better. I will not let you fall, Celeste. I will be here until you tell me I can’t be.” Because I do not know what else to do, I nod. It seems like nodding is turning into my go to response.

Yea,
I know I love him, but I know it is not the time to be with him. I have to be here for Chris and as much as it hurts me to be away from Danny, I will need to be. A single tear rolls down his cheek and like a soulless person I never want to be, I walk away from him. I know not to turn around and with everything in me I need him not to call for me.

Walking
up my walkway, I go through the door close it behind me. Walking up to my room, I go to me bed and lay down. I want to run back out the door to him but I do what I know is right, I lay there and cry until I fall asleep.

Chapter Eleven

Abruptly, I wake up to a dark shadow in my room! I can’t breathe. The air is filled with the stench of cigarette smoke and stale beer. The soft glow from the window is letting in enough light that I can barely make out his outline, but I know it is him. The smell alone tells me it is him.

“Why are you in my room?” He doesn’t answer, only gives an evil chuckle, while blowing out the smoke from his cigarette. I see the red amber of his cigarette glowing brighter with every pull. The puff of gray smoke is barely visible in the dimly lit room, although I can see it.

He rises from the chair and starts walking towards me. I reach and grab my blanket. I tuck it under my chin like a child would when they were scared. Instantly, I am trembling. There could be only one reason he would be in my room. He leans down to me and is within inches of my face. I can smell the beer on his breath and it makes my stomach turn. He reaches out his hand and brushes a stray piece of hair away from my face. Flinching, I can see the smirk come across his face. He stares at me for what seems like forever. I want to scream but I know my cries will be unanswered so there is no use.

He keeps tilting his head looking at me like I am a conquest he wants to triumph over. He licks his lips and to my relief he just gets up and walks towards the door. He turns around as he reaches the threshold.
Now I can see him fully. Every bit of him disgusts me. He is repulsive. He shoots me one last smirk and whispers, “I’ll be back, sweet thing.” He shuts the door.

I jump up and run to my door. What the heck? My door lock is broken. Why is my lock broken? It hits me. He must have broken it. Oh my God. What am I going to do? His drunken friends are always trying to get in my room during their parties. I am bound to wake up with an intoxicated man trying to get into bed with me, or even worse. God this week is not getting any better.
After I block my door with my chair, I climb back into bed. Sleep is not going to come easy.

W
ith an uneasy feeling, I wake up but at least I made it through the night. So much has happened and I really need to get back on track with my life. I haven't been to work in so long. It will get my schedule back on track and I need the money. That's what I will do. Go to work then go see Chris. Tomorrow I will go back to school so maybe that will get everything back on track.

As
I pull up to Ms. Gina’s house, I am just happy to be starting to get something normal back. This is going to be just what I need. Walking inside, the smell of sauce hits me instantly. I swear that woman cooks sauce every day.

“Honey, what are you doing here?” She seems surprised.

“Umm, I thought I would come and work today. I know it isn’t Saturday yet, but I really need to be here.” Grabbing a hold of her, I hug her so tightly, I just don’t want to let go.

“
It's okay, my dear. Come eat.” She knows just what to say to me. I am starving.

I finish eating and clear my plate. As I go to grab my cleaning supplies Ms. Gina reaches for my arm. “Not today
, CC. No work for you today. We need to talk.” She has the same look Det. Abernathy had the day I found out about my dad. My stomach sinks to the floor.

My voice starts to tremble. “Ms. Gina, please tell me you’re okay?”

“No, Celeste, I am not, but you are not to worry.” Don’t worry! Don’t worry, really? I cannot believe she just said that to me.

Ms. Gina never uses my real name. Actually no one ever uses my real name, unless it is bad. The woman who treats me like a granddaughter, who I think of as a grandmother, just told me she is not okay and I am supposed to not worry. Yea, okay, that’s going to happen. Not with the week I am having.

My voice is trembling so bad I can barely speak. “What's wrong?” I manage to choke out.

“I’m old
, CC, that is all, honey.” She takes my hands in both of hers. “I’m just old. But before anything else happens to me, dear, I want to give you this.” She walks over to the large dark maple hutch. The one I should be cleaning right now and slowly opens the drawer. She walks back with a manila envelope and sets it on her lap.

“CC
, you have to promise me whatever I am about to give you, you will take.” This is the most serious I have ever seen her, I know not to argue. It will be pointless. I nod my head as a tear slide down my cheek.

“I love you
, CC, and I always will. You know that right?” She is staring directly in my eyes. She looks at the envelope then back at me. My heart sinks. It can't be good if she can't wait to give it to me. Ms. Gina gets up and hands me the envelope as she wipes a tear from her eye and kisses me on both cheeks. “Celeste, you go now.” She is getting choked up. “Go be the great girl I know you are.” I hug her and walk out the door crying again.