Such Sweet Sorrow (31 page)

‘You do realise that William may not even be able to leave the confines of the camp, and you certainly won’t be allowed inside?’

Tina nodded apprehensively. What had seemed like a good idea in the restaurant had turned into a more and more ridiculous escapade with every passing mile. She already knew there was no chance of her getting back to Pontypridd that night, and she could just imagine the row she’d get off her father for that alone. She had nothing with her except the clothes she stood up in and a purse full of money. No soap, no towel, not even a toothbrush.

‘You’re crazy.’ Eddie shook his head at her: ‘but then I know a lot of fellows who’d give their eye teeth to have a girl like you running after them. I only hope William appreciates what he’s got in you.’

‘Do you think he’ll be angry?’

‘Bewildered, maybe, surprised certainly, but not angry. Here we are.’

She looked out of the carriage window. The rolling fields had given way to a sprinkling of stone cottages with low walled gardens crammed with multi-coloured, bell-shaped spring flowers.

‘Normally I’d wait for a bus, but seeing as how you’re with me, I’ll get a taxi to take us to camp.’

‘I’ll pay, I have lots of money. I raided the till in the restaurant,’ she confessed.

‘Knowing your father, you’re going to have hell to pay for that alone when you get back.’ He picked up his kitbag, opened the window and leaned out to open the door.

She stepped down after him on to the platform. ‘How far is it?’

‘A few miles. Look, thinking about it logically, there’s no point in you going out there. It’s in the middle of nowhere.’

‘But if Will can’t get any time off, then I could be sitting around on this station all night waiting to no purpose. I wouldn’t even know if he could get away or not.’

‘I told you there’s no chance that they’ll let you into the camp. You’d cause a riot, and there’s nowhere for you to sit and wait. Not even a bus shelter.’

‘Please, Eddie, I’ve come this far, don’t turn me back, not now. I have to see him even if it’s only through a wire fence.’

He stood and looked at her, an exasperated expression on his face. ‘All right, but don’t blame me if you end up sitting around for hours and not seeing him at all.’

Tina took one look at the barbed-wire fences and ditches that enclosed the camp and realised exactly why Eddie had been so reluctant to bring her out here. The camp was huge, sprawling. Through the wire she could see hordes of men, lorries and military vehicles, and surrounded as the place was by fields and countryside, there was no shelter, nowhere for her to wait except the side of a road.

‘There’s a pub. It’s not much of a place. We drink there when we can get a pass.’

‘I can’t go into a pub,’ she protested.

‘The landlady’s a bit of a rough diamond, but she has a couple of rooms upstairs that she lets out.’

Knowing that Jenny had never been near the camp, Tina wondered how Eddie knew about the rooms.

‘They aren’t up to much, but they’ve got to be a better option than standing at the side of the road in full view of the animals.’ He pointed to the men walking behind the wire.

‘I don’t know if I should …’

‘It’s only a mile away. If Will can get a couple of hours off he can go straight there. There’s always transport available for a short hop, you won’t miss more than five minutes of whatever time he can scrounge.’

He sensed her wavering.

‘Here.’ He pushed something into her hand. ‘And don’t tell anyone, especially Will and Jenny, where you got it. Drop me off at the main gates, mate,’ he directed the taxi driver, ‘and take Mrs Powell up to the Tally Ho.’

‘You’ll tell him …’

‘That you’re waiting? It will be the first thing I do after I’ve checked in. If I don’t see you again before you go, take care of yourself, and look out for Jenny and my family for me.’

‘Every chance I get.’

It was only after she’d watched him salute the guard and disappear through the gates that she opened her hand. There, nestling in her palm, was a wedding ring. She didn’t dare speculate where he’d got it, or what he’d used it for.

Taking off her engagement ring she slipped it on to the third finger of her left hand, and secured it with the ring William had given her. It was far too big. Eddie had obviously gone on the premise that any girl could wear a ring that was too big; a small one might cause complications. Her heart skipped a beat. Was this the sort of thing William would get up to when he was in France? Had she made a complete and utter fool of herself, throwing herself at a man who might already have moved on to someone else?

The pub was small and old. There wasn’t a wall or floor that didn’t dip or lean at an alarming angle. The ceiling beams were blackened and pitted and might well have been hoisted into position at the time of William the Conqueror’s coronation; if so, they certainly hadn’t been maintained since.

The landlady, a hard-faced, brassy-haired woman, took Tina’s money quickly enough, but as she walked her up the stairs and showed her into a dismal little room furnished with a cracked washstand, chipped toilet set, split chair and a double bed that probably had been stuffed with both the horse and the hair, her mouth set into a sceptical line that told Tina she no more believed she was married, than she was Princess Elizabeth. Making a sarcastic comment on Tina’s lack of luggage she left with the injunction that the dining room would be open for the evening meal in two hours.

With nothing else to do Tina closed the door, kicked off her shoes and lay on the bed. She tried to sleep, hoping that when she opened her eyes it would be to find William kissing her, just like Prince Charming.

She woke with a start to find that the light had dulled to reddish gold. She sat up and looked out of the handkerchief-sized window sunk deep into the two-foot-thick wall to see the sun sinking slowly over the fields, then she heard a repetition of the noise that had roused her. There was a step on the rickety staircase. A floorboard creaked outside the door.

‘Tina, are you in there?’

She leapt off the bed wishing she’d woken in time to run a comb through her hair and touch up her powder and lipstick. She wrenched open the door, pulling at the knob when it wouldn’t move more than a few inches over the warped floorboards.

‘It’s you. It’s really you?’ Sliding into the room William kicked the door shut behind him, before gathering her into his arms. ‘When Eddie told me what you’d done I couldn’t believe it. Tina, what on earth possessed you?’

‘I heard the news about Holland and Belgium. When Jenny told me that Eddie had been recalled I was afraid you’d be posted overseas and I wouldn’t see you again before you left.’ Leaning back, she looked into his eyes, seeing her own image mirrored in their depths. ‘I had to see you, Will. I had to make sure you still loved me.’

‘You think I make a habit of handing out engagement rings?’ He sank on to the bed, pulling her down with him.

‘Can you stay the night?’

‘I’m lucky to be here now. The whole camp’s been put on alert, all leave has been cancelled.’

‘But you came…’

‘Only because Eddie did a deal with one of the senior sergeants. It wasn’t easy. We decided it wouldn’t be politic to mention your presence here to either of your brothers.’

‘What kind of a deal did Eddie make?’

‘Don’t ask.’ He held up her left hand, twirling the outsized wedding ring around on her finger. ‘Eddie?’

‘I wasn’t supposed to tell you.’

William laughed. ‘I trust we’ll be able to find one that will fit better than this before my next leave.’

‘I wish we could be married now, this minute.’

‘I take it that means you still do want to marry me?’

‘How can you ask?’ She clung to him as though she had no intention of ever letting go. ‘How long have we got?’

He lifted his arm behind her back and glanced at his watch. ‘As long as it takes the sergeant to drive into town and replace the whisky and brandy that disappeared mysteriously from the officers’ mess. It will probably be nearer half an hour than an hour.’

‘Then we’ve no time to waste.’ Extricating herself from his arms she turned back the sheets.

‘Have you thought what you’re going to tell your father about this?’ he asked anxiously.

‘That I had to see you before you left. Please, Will, let’s not waste any more time talking. I haven’t come all this way to be fobbed off a second time.’ Sliding up her skirt, she unclipped one set of suspenders then the other. Sitting on the edge of the bed she rolled down her stockings and flung them on to the chair. Rising to her feet she discarded her dress, then her underclothes. When she was completely naked she went to him, and as he held her she knew that this time there would be no turning back, for either of them.

The light had dimmed from old gold to cool silver. From somewhere below came a bar-room clamour of conversation and raucous laughter. The bed was as uncomfortable and lumpy as it looked, and a smell of stale beer, woodsmoke and dust that had lain too long on old surfaces hung in the air, but Tina didn’t care. They were all wonderful sensations, smells and sounds that she would treasure for the rest of her days, because in this rickety room in this rather grubby, old pub she had made love with William for the very first time, and at that moment nothing mattered except the way they felt about one another.

Nestling her head against his arm, she entwined her legs into his and moved her hands lightly over the smooth skin on the flat of his stomach. ‘I never thought anything could make me feel closer to you.’

‘I always said we were made for one another. Now we’ve proved it.’ He kissed her forehead as his hands explored her body.

‘Promise me, Will. No more Veras?’

‘If I had known it would be this way between us, it would never have happened.’

‘Promise?’ Her eyes were dark, earnest as they gazed into his. ‘We could be apart for a long time. I can’t bear the thought of you doing what we just did with anyone else …’

He laid his finger over her mouth. ‘Do you think there could ever be another girl for me after this? From now on there’ll only ever be you, I swear it.’

She snuggled down, revelling in the velvet feel of his skin against hers. ‘I wish you could stay until morning.’

‘So do I, but if I don’t make a move now, they’ll be sending search parties out to pick me up.’ Kissing her again, he reluctantly extricated himself from her and the bed. Flinging back the covers too vigorously he succeeded in exposing her as well as himself. He stood and stared at her for a moment, mesmerised by the beauty of her naked body as he reached blindly for his clothes.

‘You’re going to put those pants on backwards if you’re not careful.’ She made no attempt to reach for the blankets, feeling no sense of shame or modesty as she basked in his admiration.

‘And what would you know about a man’s underpants, young lady?’

‘A lot. I’ve washed enough pairs belonging to my brothers. You are going to France, aren’t you?’

‘No one tells us poor squaddies anything important, but we think so.’ He pulled on his trousers, buttoning them but leaving his braces dangling as he reached for his vest and shirt.

‘Soon?’

‘It must be, now they’ve cancelled all leave. But it’s you I’m concerned about, not me. Have you got enough money?’

‘I have a return ticket, this room is already paid for and I have more than enough for a taxi, and a meal.’

‘Moneybags.’

‘I raided the till.’

‘What are you going to tell your family?’

‘The truth. That I went to the camp with Eddie, and we had half an hour to say goodbye, which was all the time you could spare. That you told me Tony and Angelo are fine, and then, as there was no train back I slept the night in a small hotel. That does sound better than a pub, doesn’t it?’

‘Infinitely better.’ He leaned over the bed. Gently stroking her hair from her face, he kissed her for the last time. ‘You are a mad, insane idiot, and I love you for it.’ A sharp knock at the door interrupted them.

‘Message for Private Powell.’

‘Who’s that?’ Tina asked as he moved away.

‘The sergeant who dropped me off here.’

‘William Powell?’

‘Coming.’ William gave her a haunting look of love and tenderness that she sensed she would remember, and cherish for ever. ‘I love you.’

‘Think of me, and keep safe and well?’ she begged, rising to her knees and holding him.

‘Every minute of every day.’ Disentangling himself from her arms, he turned abruptly, opened the door and walked away.

Chapter Eighteen

Sunday dinners remained a ritual in Evan’s house, but when he glanced around his kitchen the following Sunday as he prepared to settle down after the meal to listen to the news, he couldn’t help thinking that the tradition had become an empty one. Everything around him reminded him of the absent faces. Eddie, William and Andrew with the army, Haydn and Jane in London, Maud and Ronnie in Italy … he wondered what they were all doing. The post had been ominously sparse that week. He didn’t even know if Eddie was back in France, or if William and the Ronconi boys had been sent out there with him. Alma hadn’t heard from Charlie in over a week, and in the last letter Bethan had received from Andrew, he’d told her that he and Trevor had finished their military training and were awaiting transport, but either he didn’t know, or hadn’t been allowed to divulge, the destination of that transport.

Evan sat, patiently filling his pipe, trying not to look at the women’s faces while the news reader lingered over the details of the Dutch Queen Wilhelmina’s domestic arrangements for her British exile, and her grand gesture of placing the whole of the Dutch merchant fleet at the disposal of the Allies. Five minutes were spent recapping the fighting in Holland, and the command that had finally gone out to the Dutch troops the day after Eddie had left, ordering them to stop fighting; the humiliation and misery felt by the Dutch as the Germans had occupied the Hague, and as a final snippet, the replacement of one French General with another as Allied Commander-in-Chief.

‘I trust he’s a better man. The Germans are bound to turn their attention to France next.’ Alexander voiced Evan’s own thoughts, but that didn’t stop Evan from wishing that his lodger hadn’t expressed his opinion in front of the women.

‘The worst thing is, not knowing what’s happening.’ Evan switched off the radio.

‘Everyone says that the news is heavily censored these days. Do you think there could already be fighting in France?’ Megan asked.

‘They’d have to tell us if Hitler had crossed the frontier. It would be far too big a development to keep quiet,’ Evan reassured her. ‘It’s not lack of war news I’m complaining about. It’s not knowing where the boys are.’

‘I wish I knew if William was already in France.’

‘I doubt it, not after only four weeks’ training,’ he answered smoothly, going on the premise that it was better for Megan to believe the best for as long as possible than allow her imagination to dwell on the worst.

‘Mam, you’re as bad as Tina. There’s no point in worrying until we know where Will is for definite,’ Diana said firmly.

‘You going down the hill?’ Alexander asked her.

‘I promised Wyn I’d call in the hospital. Dr John said he might be able to go home in the next couple of days.’

‘That’s the first piece of good news I’ve heard all week.’ Evan finally lit his pipe. ‘If you’re coming back between seven and eight, call into Alma’s. Phyllis and I are going down later to see her. We’ll walk back with you.’

‘Is she managing the shop all right by herself?’ Bethan asked.

‘She doesn’t say much but I think she’s finding it a bit of a strain. Although the boy she’s taken on to help her is supposed to be willing, and a hard worker.’

‘It’s hard on any woman who suddenly loses her husband’s companionship, for whatever reason,’ Megan said firmly. ‘But it must be doubly hard on Alma. Not even married a year, and she and Charlie were so happy …’

‘Are so happy,’ Evan contradicted. ‘He’ll be back.’

‘The question is when. And in the meantime she has a lot on her shoulders, what with the shop to run, and her mother the way she is. Mrs Jones told me that the old lady is none too well again.’

‘That’s all we seem to be hearing – people finding it hard to cope.’ Evan held out his arms to Brian who was toddling towards him with the inevitable picture book in hand.

‘The good thing is, unemployment has fallen again,’ Luke chipped in.

‘There goes our own home-grown, happy Harry again,’ Alexander complained. ‘The Germans are sitting in half of Europe, we’re waiting for Nazi bombs to start falling, and he finds something to be chirpy about.’

‘Seems to me we could all do with some of Luke’s optimism,’ Evan smiled.

‘Come on then,’ Alexander nodded to Luke as he left the table. ‘Put your coat on so Diana and I can walk you down to the café and your own personal ray of sunshine. Perhaps then you’ll be kind enough to continue to dispense it to the rest of us.’

‘God knows we all need it,’ Megan said fervently.

‘So you see the shop’s made a steady and clear profit varying between five and six pounds every week after the overheads have been cleared.’

‘You’ve done well.’ Wyn pushed the book to one side.

‘I thought you’d be pleased.’

‘I am, very.’

‘You don’t sound it.’

‘It seems you’re doing well enough without any endorsement from me.’

‘Wyn, please …’ Diana’s voice tailed away as she shifted awkwardly on the uncomfortably hard, upright hospital chair. Both Dr John and the sister had assured her that Wyn was walking well with the aid of his crutches. The leg Andrew had operated on was healing, plans were already in motion to fit an artificial lower limb and foot to the other leg, but despite the progress Wyn was making physically, there was still no sign of his depression lifting. He took a cigarette from a packet in his dressing-gown pocket and pushed it into his mouth.

‘Are you allowed to smoke in here?’

‘There’s nothing else to do.’ He flicked his cigarette lighter.

‘Dr John told me you’ll be out next week.’

‘Tomorrow.’

‘That’s wonderful news.’

‘What, that they’ve had enough of me in here?’

‘When are you thinking of going back to work?’ she asked, determinedly ignoring his cynicism.

‘I’m not thinking of it, why?’

‘Cohen’s are advertising for an assistant to work in their optician’s.’

‘You’ve applied?’ He had a peculiar expression on his face she couldn’t quite fathom.

‘I was thinking of it. After all, you really don’t need me any more. You’ll be able to manage the theatre shop –’

‘Like this!’ he broke in forcefully, looking pointedly at his leg.

‘The cast will soon come off.’

‘The pain is excruciating.’

‘It will fade in time.’

‘In the right foot?’

She looked down: it was his lower right leg that had been amputated.

‘They call it a ghost pain. Sometimes it never goes away.’

‘If you think like that, it never will.’ It was the first time she’d snapped back at him.

‘I’m a useless cripple who’ll never be good for anything …’

‘You’ll have to walk with a stick. So what? Hundreds of men around Ponty who’ve been hurt in pit accidents use sticks. No one thinks any the less of them for it.’

‘You’ve already got this job, haven’t you?’ he challenged.

‘I’ve an interview on Monday,’ she conceded. ‘It’s a good position, Wyn. I could wait years for another to come up like it.’

‘And the High Street shop?’

‘You’ve closed it.’

‘I was thinking of reopening it.’

‘Why would you do that? You said yourself you haven’t enough stock to put in it.’

‘Not sweets, something else.’

‘Like what?’

‘Like anything. I don’t have to make a decision straight away – or ever, if you leave me in the lurch.’

‘You know I would never do that.’

‘I was under the distinct impression that is precisely what you are doing.’

‘You can’t afford to pay me to hang around and do nothing.’

‘And I can’t afford to allow just anyone to take over the business. Do you think there’s a queue of people waiting to put the effort and care into running the shop that you have?’

‘There’s you,’ she pointed out, consciously lowering her voice because his was escalating.

‘I’m not ready …’

‘You will be the week after next. If I get the job in Cohen’s, I’ll tell them I have to give you a week’s notice.’

‘And what if I can’t manage to run the place? What if the bones in my leg don’t mend any better than they are now? What if I end up losing both my legs?’

For the first time Diana fully understood what Andrew’s father had been trying to tell her. She was angry with herself for not recognising the signs sooner. Wyn had been strong all his life. Strong enough to survive losing his mother, to take care of his sister when his father’s health had broken, strong enough to withstand all the gossip about his private life – and strong enough to sort out her problems when she had no one else to turn to; but now he was facing something he didn’t know how to fight. Something that held more terror for him than all his previous problems combined. He was frightened of becoming a useless cripple; one more liability for his overburdened sister who was already worn out from looking after his father.

‘If you really need me, I could withdraw my application and stay until another job comes up.’

‘Don’t do me any favours. Not out of pity. Whatever else, Diana, spare me your charity.’

‘Do you really need me, Wyn, or are you just being kind?’ It was a last appeal and it fell on deaf ears. He turned away. She gathered her handbag and coat from the chair and rose to her feet knowing from past experience that it was useless to attempt to remonstrate with him when he was like this. ‘I’ll visit you at home tomorrow after work.’

‘To give me another dose of pity? No thanks.’

‘You’ve always been there when I’ve needed someone. I’d like to return the favour. Not out of pity, but out of friendship.’

He flung the most vicious thing he could think of at her. The one thing he knew would hurt. ‘And guilt?’

She steadied herself against the doorpost, clinging to it as grey tides of giddiness washed over her. ‘And guilt,’ she echoed faintly. ‘I’m sorry, I should have seen that van …’ her voice faded, sounding distant even to herself. The last thing she heard before slumping downwards was Wyn’s voice crying out for help.

‘What’s the matter with Tina tonight?’ Luke asked Gina after her sister had shouted at the hapless cook for the tenth time in as many minutes.

‘She finally had a letter from Will this morning. Apparently they’re in transit.’

‘To France?’

‘We think so, but Will obviously wasn’t allowed to say. All he did say was that he, Tony and Angelo are well, and there’s no chance of leave in the foreseeable future.’

‘Odd that he hasn’t written home. Evan was only saying this afternoon that they haven’t heard from the boys all week.’

‘This letter took four days to reach Tina. The boys probably wrote to everyone, but their letters could be stuck in the post somewhere.’

‘Then it looks as though all the available men have been sent to France.’

‘You collecting information for Hitler?’ Tina asked Alexander as she carried tea to him and Luke from the counter.

‘No, just someone who follows the news.’

Tina superstitiously touched William’s letter in her pocket. A bland censored letter, as different from the loving tome he had sent with Eddie as cold, cheerless slag from brightly burning coal, but she didn’t mind. Not now she had her memories to draw on. Memories that had been worth every minute of her father’s rantings. She glanced around the café. Since the fracas with Dai Station, trade had fallen dramatically. Most of the business regulars like the tram crews still called in, but the station staff had taken their custom elsewhere, and there were no girls or women in the place. Word travelled fast. She had asked Huw Davies to play down the incident to her father and mother, but she hadn’t been able to silence the gossips, or the Pontypridd
Observer
, and she was dreading the court case report appearing in its war-thinned pages. Enough families were paranoid about allowing young girls out in the blackout as it was, let alone to visit a café that had a reputation for trouble.

Gina and Luke had left Alexander’s table and were whispering to one another at the counter. The rapt, loving expressions on their faces irritated Tina beyond measure, and there was something else, something Tina recognised as jealousy and bitterness. Not envy over Luke, his smooth, round, baby face reminded her too much of her younger brothers for that; but a resentment that came from Luke’s presence and William’s absence, which today’s letter had warned was likely to be months, possibly even years, and after that stolen half-hour the thought was an unbearable one.

‘Why don’t you walk Gina home, Luke?’

Astounded, Gina stared at her sister. ‘It’s only eight o’clock.’

‘And it’s quiet. Go on, neither of you are serving any useful purpose by cluttering up this place.’

‘Are you serious?’ Gina asked warily, expecting Tina to come out with some caustic comment.

‘Perfectly,’ Tina answered coldly.

‘If there’s a sudden rush I’ll help your sister,’ Alexander offered.

‘She means it. She really means it!’ Gina sang out to Luke as she rushed into the back and grabbed her cardigan.

‘Just don’t do anything I wouldn’t,’ Tina cautioned, as Gina ran past her on the way out.

‘That’s easy. You’d do no end of things if William was here.’

‘I’m trusting you to get her home in one piece and a lot earlier than she would have if she were working here,’ Tina called out to Luke as he opened the door.

‘That was nice of you.’ Alexander followed Tina to the counter after Luke and Gina had left.

‘Nice had nothing to do with it. I couldn’t stand their stupid mooning grins a minute longer. They always look as though they’re auditioning for a cocoa advert.’

‘I’m not sure I believe you. Could it be that you’re thinking if you’re kind to those two, the fates might be kind to you and send this William of yours home sooner?’

‘You’re a romantic.’

‘Anything wrong with that?’

‘Everything, if the person you want isn’t around,’ Tina said abruptly.

‘Ouch. I know when I’m not wanted.’

‘You’ll do to talk to until something better comes along. More tea?’

‘I wish I had an invitation to a formal ball or concert in my pocket and a scintillatingly beautiful, witty female hanging on my arm –’ he pushed his cup towards her ‘ but as I don’t, I suppose I’ll have to settle for your cold comfort and tea.’