Such Sweet Sorrow (29 page)

‘Young love.’ He followed her into the shop, watching as she closed the door and pulled the blackout.

‘What would you like for supper?’

He grabbed her waist and pulled her close. ‘Nothing that’s on the shelves.’

‘You should eat.’

‘Later. What I have in mind is best done on an empty stomach.’

‘I can’t bear to think of you leaving the day after tomorrow.’

‘Then don’t.’

‘On the other hand I really envy you being able to go away.’

‘What, so they can drill me from morning till night? Having every NCO and officer treat me as though I’m worth less than the dirt beneath their feet? You’ve nothing to envy me for.’

‘Being in France would be better than running the shop. I feel as though I’m contributing nothing towards the war effort stuck here, on the Graig.’

‘And you think I am?’

‘Come on, Eddie …’

‘There’s no come on about it. We spend all our time spit, polishing and square-bashing. It’s so tedious, sometimes I feel like crying out of sheer bloody weariness and boredom.’

‘You have free time.’

‘Some, but to be honest the way things are now –’ he stepped towards her and held her in his arms – ‘I’d much rather spend it with you.’

‘You’re not just saying that?’ Her eyes were dark, questioning.

‘No, I’m not just saying that, but I do want to have my evil way with you.’ He kissed her. ‘Now let’s go upstairs and I’ll explain to you exactly what I have in mind for tea.’

‘This Myrtle is Wyn Rees’s sister?’

‘Yes.’

‘You’ve been seeing a lot of her since Wyn has been in hospital.’

‘Someone had to keep the businesses running.’

‘He’s lucky to have an employee like you.’

‘I’m lucky to have an employer like him.’

Diana led the way up the steps of Wyn’s father’s comfortable, semi-detached villa. Alexander stood back in the shadows as she rang the doorbell. He watched and waited in a corner of the hall while Myrtle fussed over the dark swelling on Diana’s face, and the story of what had happened in the café was briefly recounted for Myrtle’s benefit. Eventually, Diana managed to draw him into the conversation, introducing him as they walked towards the parlour door.

‘Dad’s been waiting to see you all afternoon, Diana. I’ve no idea what he’s going to say to that face.’ Myrtle dropped her voice as she put her hand on the doorknob.

‘I’ll tell him I walked into a wall. Mr Rees is ill,’ Diana confided to Alexander.

Myrtle opened the door. ‘Diana’s here, Dad. She had an accident, that’s why she’s late.’

Diana went in and kissed the old man’s sunken cheek.

‘I’ll go and lay an extra place for tea,’ Myrtle said with a shy glance at Alexander.

‘Please don’t trouble yourself, Miss Rees,’ Alexander smiled. ‘I see a chess set, is there any chance of a game, sir?’

‘Who are you, young man?’ Wyn’s father demanded suspiciously.

‘Alexander lodges with us, Mr Rees,’ Diana explained.

‘Oh, the lodger. Well, as long as he hasn’t got any designs on you. I don’t know that Wyn would approve of you walking around town this late in the evening with another man, especially when he’s in hospital and in no position to stop you.’

‘Are you aware that the old man thinks you’re going to marry Wyn?’ Alexander asked Diana when they left the house, after Diana had drunk three cups of tea with Myrtle, and Alexander had played two games of chess with Mr Rees.

‘Wyn has asked me.’

‘Then you really are going to marry him?’

‘I don’t think so,’ Diana answered carelessly, not wanting to discuss her personal life with Alexander.

‘I’m not quite sure whether I should say this but…’

‘You’ve heard Wyn is a queer?’

‘You know?’

‘Of course I know, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.’

‘I agree. I have a lot of friends who prefer to lead the more avant-garde lifestyle.’

‘I’m not sure I understand that.’

‘What I mean is I have a lot of friends like Wyn.’

‘Is that supposed to impress me?’

‘Is it me, or are you always this spiky?’

‘What’s spiky?’

‘Spiky means I can count the number of times I’ve seen you smile on one hand since I’ve got here. Are you worried about the accident and your boss? Because if you are, people have recovered from far worse than what he’s going through, and the accident really wasn’t your fault.’

‘I wish everyone would stop telling me that.’

‘It’s the truth. I know, because I was there just after it happened, remember?’

‘I’d prefer to forget all about that night if it’s all the same to you.’

‘Diana, I haven’t known you long, but it doesn’t take a genius to work out that something is troubling you. If there is anything I can do to help, you only have to ask, you do know that, don’t you?’

‘I don’t need anything, thank you. All I want is for people to leave me be and stop asking a lot of stupid questions.’ She quickened her pace; he followed, catching up with her in Market Square. He walked alongside her, neither attempting to sympathise nor to press her further. It was only when they reached the railway bridge and he heard what sounded like a sob, that he dared to speak again.

‘You’re obviously unhappy about something. Your family has been so kind to me since I arrived here, I really would consider it an honour to help.’

The sympathy was more than Diana could bear. She faced the tiled wall that gleamed palely even in the blackout, and broke down. He put his hands on her arms, and when she didn’t brush him away he turned her round, pulling her face down on to his shoulder.

‘It’s nothing,’ she mumbled into his jacket. ‘Just the shock of having my face thumped when I’ve done nothing to deserve it.’

‘I think it’s more than that. Just look at what you’ve been doing since the accident. Running the shop, visiting Wyn in hospital, trying to support his sister. You’re only human, Diana. Can’t you see you’re wearing yourself out, without trying to cope with whatever it is that’s worrying you. You need to talk it over with someone. Can’t your mother …’

She shook her head. ‘Mam’s not well. I can’t burden her with my worries.’

‘Then Tina? She’s your best friend.’

‘She’s Tony’s sister. I can’t talk to her.’ It was only after she’d spoken that she realised what she had said. But Alexander was too tactful to probe.

‘How about your cousin Bethan? She’s a sensible lady.’

‘She’s got enough on her hands, looking after Rachel with Andrew away.’

‘I think you’re assuming that because your family all have problems of their own, they can’t spare any time for yours.’

‘I’ll sort myself out.’ Regaining her self-control she extricated herself from his hold and carried on walking up the hill.

‘I didn’t mean to interfere.’

‘I know you’re only trying to be kind, and I’m being horrible to you.’

‘That doesn’t matter, I’m only here for the duration.’

‘I wish I was.’

‘You want to leave Pontypridd?’

‘I want to go away and come back new and clean.’

‘In my experience no matter how far you run, you take your troubles with you. Look at me. I’m as reviled for being a conscientious objector in Wales as I was in England. In fact my problems have doubled. Here, I have a whole new way of life to contend with. I’m doing much harder work than I’ve ever done before, for longer hours and less wages and with fewer friends around to console me on my lot. So if anything, I’ve fallen right out of the frying pan into the fire.’

‘But you’re still a decent, honest and truthful person.’

‘You flatter me.’

‘If everyone knew what I was really like, no one would come near me.’

‘That’s nonsense.’

‘You don’t know me.’

‘I think I do. Here,’ he handed her a handkerchief as she wiped her eyes with the back of her gloves.

‘I’m sorry, I’m being stupid. Wyn told me he’s never known me to have a handkerchief when I’ve needed one.’

‘That’s hardly a sin. Look up there,’ he pointed to the sky as they rounded Vicarage corner. ‘The night sky was never this beautiful in the city. There was always too much glow from the lights, and the air here is fresher, cleaner …’

‘Even with the coal dust?’

‘Even with the coal dust,’ he echoed with a certain amount of irony. ‘Do you know the constellations?’

‘Only the obvious ones like the Great Bear. William got a book out of the library when we were small, and we hung out of the bedroom window to try to spot them until Mam caught us and sent us back to bed.’

‘I think I’ll walk over the mountain a little way and look at what’s in the sky tonight. Want to come?’

‘Anything to delay Mam seeing my face.’ She followed him to the end of the street. ‘Do you have any brothers or sisters?’

‘I’m an only child.’

‘You must have parents.’

‘They’re getting on a bit, but yes I do have parents.’

‘A girlfriend?’

‘Not really. I suppose you could say I’ve had the Communist Party, and more of a political than a social life.’

‘A political party doesn’t sound much of a substitute for family life to me.’

‘Are you saying you don’t understand how someone of an advanced age like myself can remain unmarried?’

‘How old are you?’

‘Thirty.’

‘That seems old to me.’

‘That’s because you’re a child.’

‘A child, at eighteen?’

‘You are to me.’ He looked at her and smiled. Silvered by the cold light of the moon and stars, she looked very young and very charming. ‘I’d give my eye teeth to be your age again. On the brink of life, everything before you, that’s why I can’t understand why you’re considering marrying a man like Wyn.’

‘I didn’t say I was considering it, only that he asked.’

‘Fellows will soon be queuing up to ask. That’s if they aren’t already.’

‘No they won’t,’ she burst out bitterly. ‘I’m not fit to be anyone’s wife.’

‘What nonsense. Who on earth told you that?’

‘I was raped.’ She was so angry she no longer gave a thought as to what she was saying, or who she was saying it to. ‘Do you understand, raped? I’m soiled goods. Used, dirty, good for nothing. No decent man will want me near him once he finds out.’

‘Is that what this is all about?’ he asked. ‘Tina’s brother raped you?’

Realising what she’d done, she fell silent for a moment, then it all came out. Ben Springer, the incident in the shoe shop, Tony’s reaction when she told him about it, but not the circumstances of the telling that was one thing she kept to herself. ‘ … so you see,’ she said finally, ‘I may as well give up now. I have nothing to look forward to. I’ll never have a husband or a family of my own.’ She turned away from him and looked back at the silhouette of the mountain, dark against the deep blue velvet of the spring night sky. ‘I shouldn’t have told you this.’

‘I won’t tell anyone about it, if that’s what you’re afraid of.’

‘Thank you. And I’ll understand if you don’t want to be seen with me again.’

Taking her face into his hands, he bent his head and kissed her lightly on the forehead. ‘And that’s not the kind of kiss you have to slap my face for.’

‘Then why?’

‘Because you’ve had a foul time, because no girl should be sinned against as you were. You couldn’t help what Ben Springer did to you.’

‘I should have fought harder.’

‘Like you should have had some kind of sixth sense that told you when that van was coming down the hill, although even Wyn didn’t see it until it was virtually on top of you?’

‘People make their own destinies.’

‘I’ll agree with you to a point. But there’s no way a slip of a girl like you can fight a brute of a man intent on rape. Diana, forget it. You’re still the same person you always were. It means absolutely nothing.’

‘Would you marry a girl who’d been raped?’

‘You asking? .. Sorry, bad joke. But then I’d be lucky to find a girl who’d forgive me my sins.’

‘Why, what have you done?’

‘Made love with half the female members of the Communist Party cell when I joined.’

‘It’s different for men.’

‘The Communist doctrine preaches equality in all things between the sexes. Sometimes I think the main attraction when I joined was the free love precept. I was young, in university and it all seemed very glamorous and exciting. Different girl, different bed every night, then after a while it became drink-sodden and sordid. I learned then it’s not sex but the person you make love to who’s important.’

‘But I lay a pound to a penny that when you finally do get married you’ll want a virgin.’

‘Now that’s an overrated commodity.’

‘You can’t be serious?’

‘I’ve just told you I’ve slept with dozens of women. What right have I, or any other man who has had more than one woman in his bed, to demand a guaranteed, chaste wife who’s been locked away from men until her marriage night? That attitude belongs to Turks and harems, not the 1940s.’

‘I never thought I’d hear a man say that.’

‘Is that why you were considering marrying Wyn? Because he wouldn’t expect you to sleep with him?’

‘He knows about Ben Springer and it doesn’t seem to matter to him. He cares for me, we’re friends.’

‘There’s a lot more to a relationship between a man and a woman than friendship.’

‘Like pain, humiliation and misery?’

‘One day you’ll find someone who’ll prove to you that it doesn’t have to be that way.’

‘I wish I could believe you.’

‘I wish you’d let me take you out to dinner in the New Inn so we could talk about it some more.’

‘I think it’s late and we should be getting back.’

‘We haven’t looked at the stars yet.’

‘There’ll be other nights.’

‘They could be cloudy.’

‘Not all of them.’

‘There’s a war on, we should grab what we can, while we can.’

‘Now where have I heard that before?’ She turned back towards the houses.

‘A bad Hollywood film.’ He wished he could see her face more clearly. Troubled, beset by problems that were enough to threaten any woman’s stability, she had touched him in a way no woman had done in a long time. Even the ones who had shared his bed. Perhaps she was right. Perhaps friendship was the most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman. And perhaps he should begin by cultivating a friendship with her.