Substitute Daddy (8 page)

“I don’t want you to leave,” he said, but still didn’t meet her gaze.

“Then you’re crazy and this is some sort of bipolar melt down because I have no clue what’s the matter with you,” she said and slammed the door before walking up the steps of the verandah.

She heard his door slam and when she turned, he was right there. His long strides had eaten up the space between them.

“What do you see when you look at me?” Matthew demanded.

“I see a nice guy who has a heart of gold and who cares about his best friend’s baby enough to give her the things he did not. I see a good—”

“If you say friend I’m going to kick the car tire or something,” he said.

“Well, you are a good friend. What the hell is wrong with that?” Grace challenged.

He grabbed her shoulder. “The fact that I look at you and don’t see a friend may have something to do with it. The fact that I go to sleep and wake up thinking about you is another issue. I look at Lilah and think Lance was a jerk and an idiot for giving up two perfect beings in this world. I look at you and all I can think about is kissing you, and I’m going to.”

He didn’t give her a chance to pull away or even say a word. But did she really want to pull away? When his lips met hers in such fierce passion, Grace sank into the kiss like it was the best tasting dessert she’d ever had, and it was. Matthew tasted like everything manly. His cologne and the feel of his arms around her only heightened the sensations. He teased her mouth open with his tongue, and she gave him entry with a small moan of submission. He invaded the sweet cavern of her mouth until she was dizzy from the sensation.

“Give me your tongue,” he demanded against her lips.

Her stomach clenched in delight at the demand, and when he kissed her again she did as he requested. This time, it was his moan that reached her ears as she sank her tongue into his mouth and tasted him deeper. He molded her against him, and Grace enjoyed each sensation until her mother’s words calling her a whore filtered in and she pushed him away harshly.

“So, what? This is how you want payback? I’m not even three weeks post baby and it’s time to work off my debt?” Grace was breathing harshly as he stared at her.

“What?” Matthew asked confused, and then the reality of what she was saying hit him and she watched his face become hard as stone. “Tell me you’re not accusing me of what I think you are because you were kissing me right back.”

“It seems to me that you want to take over where Lance left off. ” Grace knew she was being cruel, but fear and confusion made her continue, emboldened. “I thought you were nothing like him but, hey, you were best friends. You probably shared the same perversions. So let’s hear it. What do I need to do to make sure me and my daughter stay in good? Is there a clause in the contracts where we lose everything if I don’t warm your bed?”

Matthew stepped back and ran his hands through his hair. Grace almost wished she could take it all back, but the look in his eyes told her she’d gone too far. He pointed his finger and opened his mouth to speak and then closed it. He leaned against the car, and she could see his body moving as he took long shuddering breaths. He turned and walked back to her and when he spoke she could hear him trying to restrain the hurt in his voice.

“I’m not a saint, but God knows I’m not the sinner Lance was,” he said. His voice was gritty with emotion. “Do I want you? Yes, hell yes. I’m not ashamed to say it. Do I look at your baby girl Lilah and wish she was my own? Again, hell yes, and I vowed to be everything she needed in a father figure that she would never find in Lance. But to have you accuse me of being just like him, to want you to work off a debt in my bed, I refuse…I refuse to even entertain that kind of judgment against me because of the shit he did. There is no clause in the contracts. They are airtight on your side. I can understand you were hurt, not just by Lance but by your mother and probably your whole life, but I’ll be damned if I take their sins as mine or your accusations to the fact.”

He took a deep breath, and his voice now held no emotion. “You’re safe here, Grace, and you can stay as long as you want to. I’m hardly here anyway. Again, you and Lilah will lack for nothing, and I hope you allow me to be in her life as a substitute father or uncle. But you won’t have to worry about me wanting you, and you won’t need to feel uncomfortable in my presence. I can control myself, trust me. It’s easy.”

He turned to leave, and Grace felt so horrible that she called out to him. “Matthew.”

But he never looked back. He continued walking toward the lights of the main house, passing by his car, and leaving the keys in the ignition. For him to leave his car like that, Grace knew she had really hurt him when she accused him of being like Lance or the people in her life who had caused her to be miserable. She called herself every kind of fool, bitch, and idiot as she went inside. She repaid him by being the worst kind of person, lashing out at him when he deserved nothing more than love. The same love he was offering her and Lilah.

She vowed to make it up to him, to go to the main house the very next day and beg for his forgiveness and apologize. Then they’d talk, about their feelings, about life, Lilah, and everything so they both knew where they stood. But in the morning she was too late. She went up to the main house only to see Josef frowning and taking a packet that was left on the swing. Inside was a note and keys. The note read that the ranch would run smoothly as usual, and in his absence Josef was in charge. It also said that she should have a copy of the keys to the office and the main house. He’d gone back to New York for Christmas even when everyone on the ranch knew he had wanted to spend the holidays at the ranch this year. She’d insulted and hurt him so badly that she managed to chase him away from his own home.
You suck big time, Grace Reid,
she said to herself as she went back to her house. She’d wrecked something wonderful in a few minutes and, for the first time, she understood that the pattern she’d let control her life for so long caused her not to recognize something finally good in her life. Realizing that he wouldn’t be there to welcome Lilah home from the hospital, her stomach dropped, and she felt even worse.

Chapter Six

Grace picked up Lilah on Christmas Eve alone. Matthew’s absence didn’t go unnoticed by the staff that had been accustomed to seeing him every day. She explained it off as an emergency business trip. It’s not like she could tell them she made a giant mess of things and caused him to leave his own home on the holidays, a home that held wonderful memories of times past, so much so that he continued to decorate it like his parents did long before. Guilt ate at her as she listened carefully to the directions the nurses and Dr. Malone gave her when taking Lilah home and what signs of trouble she should look for.

They made an appointment for the next week, which would be New Year’s Eve, and then she left with Lilah carefully strapped into her car seat and covered with a blanket to protect her from the winter chill that was taking hold of Nevada. In the area of Southern Hills where the Ryder Ranch was located snow was not out of the question, but it was rare. Like Georgia, in Nevada if it snowed, she wanted to be snug and secure at home.

She oftentimes found her mind wandering, thinking about Matthew and how much she was missing him and his company. She didn’t understand how she could miss a person so much. One kiss turned everything upside down. She felt things for him that no other man had elicited. Instead of facing her feelings or talking to him about it, she went bat shit crazy and accused the one person who cared about her and her baby of the stupidest things. So now she was enjoying the well being of Lilah and the holidays alone, and it bit rocks.

“Well, let’s get you inside and fed, little princess,” Grace murmured when she stopped and parked the car in front of the house.

Josef walked over with a smile as she unloaded the car seat. “Is this the little bambina?”

“Yes, you want to take a peek?” Grace asked, glad to share her miracle with anyone.

“Yes, ma’am,” Josef said and followed her up the steps to her house. He opened the door for her, and she set the car seat on the sofa and took the blanket off to reveal her baby girl.

“Look at this beauty.”

Grace puffed up with pride. “She is, isn’t she?”

“Mr. Ryder called to check in on you to see if you got home with the little one okay,” Josef commented. “It was very unusual for him to leave at this time of year.”

“It’s my fault, and it’s complicated,” Grace admitted.

“I understand, but Mr. Ryder is a very good man,” Josef said. “Mr. Lance—God rest his soul—was not so much, and Mr. Ryder, Matthew, looked past a lot of things with that one. But I see the way he looks at you, Miss Grace, and how he talked about the little one here. He is the kind of man who sticks, like my wife would say.”

“I know, and I messed up,” Grace said. “But he…it caught me off guard and I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Matthew is stubborn, but he’ll soften up. Send him picture of the baby, and you’ll see how fast he comes running home. He hates the city, so any reason for him to come back to where he loves is a good one,” Josef said. “Now my wife said you should come over for Christmas dinner with us tomorrow and not to take no for an answer. We live on the other side of the ranch.”

Grace nodded, feeling welcomed and relieved not to be alone on Christmas day. “Thank you. What time should we be there?”

“We sit down at three. My sons will be there. Come with an empty stomach. My wife cooks way too much.” Josef smiled. “You’ll have leftovers too. I’m certain of it.”

“I won’t say no,” Grace said. “Thank you again, Josef, and also for the invite.”

“Don’t you worry, Miss Grace, you’re family now. See you tomorrow.” Josef turned and put his hat on as he left her home.

He gave her a lot to think about, and she did so while caring for Lilah that evening. On impulse, she put a tiny Santa hat on the baby and swaddled her in a red blanket before laying her on the blanket she made under the tree. She took some pictures with her cell phone and sent them to Matthew’s phone with the words, “Look what Santa left for Christmas.” His reply back was, “She is amazing. Thank you for the pictures.” That was it. She didn’t know what else to say except, “I’m sorry, Matthew” and she never got a reply to that. Grace knew it would be hard for him to forgive her. He was never cold, but she could feel the distance that went past him being hundreds of miles away.

She’d spent so many years being the victim and letting things slide and stepping back instead of fighting for what she wanted. Matthew was worth fighting for, and for the very first time, she didn’t want to run away from the problem. She wanted to face it head on. She just hoped it wasn’t too late, hoped he wouldn’t feel she wasn’t worth the time or the trouble.

* * * *

Christmas Day came, and Grace woke up to snow. She looked out the window and gasped in delight at the sight. Snow blanketed the ground and while it was very rare for Nevada to have snow, the perfect picture it made was too much to pass up. Grace grabbed her phone and stepped out on the chilly patio to snap some pictures. Lilah was still asleep, so she took the free time to drink a cup of hot chocolate and gaze out the kitchen windows. Impulsively, she sent the pictures to Matthew and after a half an hour with no reply, she called his cell number.

“Hello?” His voice sounded husky with sleep and the deep sound tugged at her heart.

“Hey, um, Merry Christmas,” Grace said and then cleared her throat. “How are you?”

“Merry Christmas. Is the baby okay?” Matthew asked.

“She’s fine. I guess you were sleeping in,” Grace said.

“It’s three a.m. here, Grace. There is a three hour difference,” he said. She noticed the neutral tone in his voice and she felt her heart sink.

“I’m sorry I woke you. I didn’t actually think of the time change,” Grace said. “It’s snowing, and I sent you pictures. I know it will be gone as soon as it warms up.”

“It’s snowing here as well,” he answered, and then there was silence.

Grace tried again. “I’m taking Lilah over to Josef’s. His wife invited us for dinner and told him not to take no for an answer. They called me family. I like it here…a lot.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you’re comfortable. I usually eat there on the holidays too when I’m on the ranch or we set up at the main house,” he said.

“Where are you going to be today?” she asked.

“Don’t know yet. I’ve been invited to a few dinners, but if I don’t feel like going, I’ll just stay in,” Matthew explained.

Invited to dinners where gorgeous women would probably be vying for his attention or having some supermodel on his arm, dressed to impress.
The thought made jealously rise in her. Matthew was hers. She was too stupid before to see it, but she sure as grits didn’t want anyone else even thinking about him.

“You should come home, Matthew, and not be alone for the holidays,” Grace said.

“Who said I’d be alone?” he said bluntly.

That remark shot straight through her core, and she said softly, “I guess things change.”

“You wanted the change, Grace, and I made the mistake in thinking I was someone you could want. I’m too much of a good guy to be interesting to you,” he said.

“That’s not true.” Grace shook her head. “Matthew, you have to admit, you took me by surprise. One minute you’re fine, the next you’re grouchy, and then you kiss me.”

He sighed. “Maybe so, but all you had to do is see the man I am. One kiss and you accuse me of trying to use you. You jumped to the conclusion that I wanted to jump your bones right there in the front yard while all I wanted to do was ask you out on a date.”

“Matthew, what can I say but I’m sorry?” Grace said. “I’m not accustomed to a man not expecting…well, you know.”

“I accept your apology, but I can’t walk around on pins and needles knowing that you probably think I’m looking to get into your panties and not actually care about you,” Matthew said. “I can’t touch you knowing that in your mind you see it as repayment for some kind of debt you’ve incurred. It’s best I stay away, at least until I can be around you without wanting you.”