Stupid Movie Lines (17 page)
Read Stupid Movie Lines Online
Authors: Kathryn Petras
There’s too much infantile romanticism on this crew!
An annoyed captain (Sonny Tufts) in
Cat Women of the Moon,
1954
On Space, Good Points About:
There’s a lot of space out there to get lost in.
Dr. John Robinson (William Hurt), in
Lost in Space,
1998
On Spelling Problems, Bo Derek and:
… ecstasy. What a beautiful word: E-X-T- …”
Bo Derek misspelling “ecstasy” (unless she was talking about the hip eighties drug “extasy”) in
Bolero,
1984
On Stomach Problems, Communist:
You’re in a fine state! God, has someone cut your tongue off? Why do you get like this? Is it the altitude in—or is it something you’ve eaten?
Gita (Romy Schneider) to her silent boyfriend in
The Assassination of Trotsky,
1972
On Strippers, Politically Correct:
We hate these. They degrade women and beavers.
Stripper Erin Grant (Demi Moore), protesting the design on the coasters and napkins at the “Eager Beaver Bar” to the manager in
Striptease,
1996
On Studs, Real Sensitive:
I’d like to meet the kid that I was when I was five years old, because I think he’s the only person on the planet who knows who I really am.
Sensitive (and satisfied) stud Don Johnson after finally making it with nice girl Laurie Walters in
The Harrad Experiment,
1973
On Stupid Sex Confessions:
After sixteen years of marriage, cool Amy Hughes, who liked it in the dark, always pretended it was rape, finally pulls her pants down.
Dr. Richard Crenna, discussing his own wife’s seduction of himself in
Doctors’ Wives,
1970
On Stupid Sex Descriptions:
Sex is a pleasant, friendly thing, like shaking hands or making sure you catch a person’s name when you’re introduced.
George Hamilton as an on-the-make Ivy Leaguer trying to seduce Dorothy Hart in
Where the Boys Are,
1960
On Success, How to Know When You’ve Got It:
Dr. Ed Wainright:
Well, there’s one thing I have to get myself, something that will tell me I’ve succeeded.
General Hanson:
What’s that?
Ed:
A live giant grasshopper.
Peter Graves and Morris Ankrum, in
Beginning of the End,
1957, in which the earth is populated by giant grasshoppers
On Suicide, Unusual Reaction to:
Connie, everybody reacts differently to suicide. With Allison, it’s severe shock.
Wise Dr. Swain (Lloyd Nolan) explaining to Connie (Lana Turner) why her teen-age daughter Allison has taken to bed after she found the body of her best friend’s mother hanging in her bedroom, in
Peyton Place,
1957
On Superchicks:
She’s all woman—all every woman wants to be. Forceful, feminine, free. Superbrain, superbody, supercharged—Superchick. A swinging motion picture experience about a super kind of woman. In public she’s a mild-mannered stewardess. In private she’s … Something Else! Superchick—she’s more than just one woman and too much for just one man! In New York she has Brian. In Los Angeles it’s Dave, and in Miami there’s Johnny. Superchick—the super kind of woman—always in the middle of where the action is—always ready for a new adventure. You can’t afford to miss—Superchick—she’s much more than you ever had before.
Promo for
Superchick,
1973, starring Joyce Jillson
On the Super-H-Bomb, Angelic Comments About:
First angel:
Some devilish fellow down on the earth has actually discovered the secret of the super-H-bomb!
Second angel:
That’s impossible! The super-H-bomb is not scheduled for invention by the Devil until the year … let’s see … until … here it is … until the year 2016. Why, they’re not ready or wise enough to handle it yet. According to our heavenly statistics, if exploded now, the bomb would blow Man and his earth sky-high. No one would be left alive … everyone would be dead.
First angel:
My, my, the housing shortage up here would be terrible! What’ll we do?
Opening sequence
, The Story of Mankind,
1957
On Supermodels, Useful:
Besides being one of our top models, she could be most helpful to our government.
South Vietnamese colonel urging the Green Berets to make use of the beautiful Miss Saigon (Irene Tsu) in
The Green Berets,
1968
On the Supersonic Age, Typical Problems in:
Dr. Chapman:
After her marriage, her health seemed to rise and fall with the tide of her emotions.
Other Doctor:
Ah, a sad case. A case not infrequent in this supersonic age we live in.
Two doctors discussing the problems of the alcoholic woman who has become fifty feet tall, in
Attack of the 50 Foot Woman,
1958
On the Supernatural:
Supernatural—perhaps. Baloney—perhaps not.
Bela Lugosi cautioning the unbelievers in
The Black Cat,
1934
On Supposedly Intense Seductions:
Have you ever seen animals make love, Frank? It’s intense!
Rebecca Carlson (Madonna) to her lawyer and lover (Willem Dafoe), in
Body of Evidence,
1993
On Surfers, Anti-Oceanographic Biases of:
There’s more to life than test tubes and fish! I’m going to surf on the beach in Waikiki—and enjoy it! Man, life goes too fast!
Rebellious surfer son of the oceanographer in
The Beach Girls and the Monster,
1965
On Surfing Songs, Ones the Beach Boys Didn’t Write:
There’s a monster in the surf—
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
There’s a monster in the surf—
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Everybody’s sleeping,
Monster comes a-creeping,
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Surfer son of the oceanographer (Arnold Lessing) singin’ a song on the beach in
The Beach Girls and the Monster,
1965
On Sweater Addiction, Going Cold Turkey:
I tried to keep away from these things. I tried, honestly, I tried. I hadn’t had a stitch of them on for nearly a week. And then I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to put it on or go out of my mind!
Glen (or was it Glenda?), played by Ed Wood, explaining his obsession with fluffy sweaters in
Glen or Glenda?,
1952
On the Swinging Life:
Where sin begets sin. Nobody cares who does what to whom. Stripped of all inhibitions, everybody swings. No matter what your kick is, you name it, they’ve got it. They couldn’t wait to get into the hotbed of pleasure. Charged-up, sex-crazed women, driven by bizarre desires. Choice women, from the fleshpots of the world, each with their own specialty … and you can have them all. Where violence begets violence. Where for just one night of twisted pleasures, men turn into beasts.
Announcer during a promo for
Where Sin Lives,
1963
On Swinging Parties, Great Conversations at, Part I:
Frankie:
You a tourist or a native?
Kay:
Take one from Column A and two from Column B. You get an egg roll either way.
Stephen Boyd to model Elke Sommer at a swingin’ Village party in
The Oscar,
1966
On Swinging Parties, Great Conversations at, Part II:
Kay:
I’m not the kind of woman who uses sex as a release … or as a weapon.
Frankie:
Do you always talk like that?
Kay:
I try.
Frankie:
Do me a favor, will ya? Try droppin’ it with me. I’m not that smart. You free thinkers confuse me.
Kay (Elke Sommer) and Frankie (Stephen Boyd) getting to know each other at a swingin’ Village party, in
The Oscar,
1966
On Tabbies, Tough:
THE CATS ARE HUNGRY …
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Alone, only a harmless pet …
One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
Ad for
The Night of a Thousand Cats,
1972
On the Tabonga, You Know One When You See One:
Native woman:
I just saw the Tabonga!
Witch doctor:
Well, how do you know it was Tabonga?
Native woman:
Because it looked like a tree and it had eyes and hands!
Natives forecasting doom in the radioactive-tree-gone-berserk horror film
From Hell It Came,
1957
On Tadpoles, Really Amazing Discoveries About:
I finally found out what it is. The tadpole is a mineral!
Scientist announcing to startled colleagues why the giant tadpole that turned into the smog monster is so strange, in
Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster,
1972
On Talk, Excessively Cool:
Are you holding? Do you have any shit? Hash? Downers? Anything?
Newly widowed Jacqueline Bisset to hippies at the funeral in
The Grasshopper,
1969
On Talking Heads, Employment Problems of:
Who’s going to believe a talking head? Get a job in a sideshow!
Mad scientist to the head of the decapitated doctor in
Re-Animator,
1985
On Talking Heads, What to Say to:
You think I’m afraid of you? A head in search of a body?
Scientist to talking head in
The Brain That Wouldn’t Die,
1962
On Talkin’ Back to Commies, Beatnik Prisoners and:
Chick:
Your whole caper’s a boodle of bad jive. You’re comin’ strictly from Squaresville. Ha, ha. What a gas!
Major Wan:
Where are the others? How did you get here? Where are they taking the prisoner?
Chick:
Crazy.
Major Wan:
We will stay here until he answers … in words I understand.
The beatnik U.S. communications officer being questioned and tortured by the Reds in the Korean War film
Jet Attack,
1958
On Talks in the Ladies’ Room, Ones We’d Like to Overhear:
While you were plugging your stepfather, your husband was plugging me—and he was
great
!
Kim Cattrall to Meg Tilly in the ladies’ room during a dinner party in
Masquerade,
1988
On Tearing Off Someone’s Arm, Why Not to Be Upset:
So what? He had
two
.
Explanation as to why he tore off a suspect’s arm, given by cop and Harvard grad Carl Weathers in
Action Jackson,
1988
On Teenage Girls, Difficult:
Hospital orderly:
She was suffering from paranoia and hallucinations, induced by tranquilizers, cocaine, amphetamines, alcohol …
Mother (shrugging):
She’s always been difficult.
Bibi Besch as the mother of tramp-actress Pia Zadora in
The Lonely Lady,
1983
On Teenagers, Clever:
Demonstrator:
We want peace, not police.
Girlfriend:
Hey, that rhymes.
Teen longhairs in
Riot on Sunset Strip,
1967
On Teenage Senators, Great Speeches from:
Mr. Speaker, America’s greatest contribution has been to teach the whole world that getting old is such a drag.
Diane Varsi as the teen senator in
Wild in the Streets,
1968
On Teen Dialogue, Great Moments in:
When I have a naughty dream at night she makes me feel like hanging myself.
Sandra Dee as Molly, talking about her repressive mother in
A Summer Place,
1959
On Television Broadcasts, Ones You Never Hear in Real Life:
First man:
This is KTTV Studios in Hollywood to Mount Wilson. We are being attacked by the Slime People. They have us walled in the city. If you have any information about this wall, please contact us immediately.
Second man:
If anybody’s listening, this is no joke. I’m a marine. I was fighting the Slime People and was knocked out. I guess they thought I was dead and left me there. The Slime People made a fog, and the fog turned to a wall. If anyone knows how to get through this thing, then I’m sure that there’s a few other people just like us, that still have hope.
Broadcast from a deserted TV station in Los Angeles in
The Slime People,
1962
On Television News, Typical:
The level of the mysterious radiation continues to increase steadily. So long as this situation remains, government spokesmen warn that dead bodies will continue to be transformed into the flesh-eating ghouls.
TV newsman giving the world the bad news in
Night of the Living Dead,
1968
On Therapy Sessions, People You Don’t Want to Sit Next to:
