Stubborn Love (20 page)

A year ago – Mia

I close the door to my
apartment, drop the photos he’s given me and sink to the floor. I can’t believe
it. I can’t fucking believe it. I can’t fucking believe he’s done this to me. I
can’t believe I have to do this.

“No, no, no, no,” I scream, my
fist pounding into the floor.

I lean forward until my
forehead rests on the cool floorboards. The photos surround me and my
heart breaks
as I look at them, remember every single
moment, every single one of them. Moments that are full of love and happiness,
but which now bring me nothing but pain.

A hard ache starts to build
inside my chest, right where my heart is, before slowly radiating out until it
consumes me.

The pain is indescribable.

The pain of what’s just
happened. The pain of what I now have to do. The pain of
who
I’m going to hurt. The pain as my heart breaks, as though it’s ripping apart
inside my chest.

The pain of losing him, which I
know I will.

I feel sick.

I try to stand and half
stumble, half crawl my way to the bathroom. Sharp pains stab my chest and my
stomach. The tears are already streaming down my face and as I lift the lid of
the toilet bowl I cry out in agony, before I throw up. Everything that was in
my stomach and what feels like a whole lot more, exiting my body.

I can’t help but wonder if my
heart is in there with it, because it sure as hell isn’t in my chest anymore.

A year ago – Jared

My phone rings out with a
message which makes me smile, Mia. She should be on her way to the airport and
back home to me. As I close the fridge door, throwing back half of my beer, I
pick up my phone and open the text.

I can’t do this anymore. Sorry.

What the fuck?

I immediately call Mia but it
goes straight to voicemail, the sound of her voice little comfort to me right
now. Hanging up without leaving a message, I type in a return text.

What do u
mean
?
R u ok?

I wait, finishing off the rest
of my beer and immediately grabbing another. Finally another text comes
through.

Sorry, am fine. Just can’t.

What the hell is going on here?
I try calling her again, but once more it goes straight to voicemail.

Mia, answer your phone, talk to me. Please!

I wait five minutes and try
calling her again and this time, finally, she answers.

“Hey,” she says, but her voice
is flat and I don’t even want to respond like I normally would.

“Baby, what’s going on, what
are you talking about?” I ask. “You can’t do what anymore?”

Mia exhales loudly, before she
answers me. “Us,” she says, her voice strange. “Us Jared, I can’t…I just can’t
do it anymore.”

I run my hand through my hair,
take another sip of beer. “Mia, baby,” I say, my voice relaxing. “What are you
talking about, what, why can’t you?”

“Jared, please don’t make this
any harder…”

I freeze. Something is wrong,
something is very wrong here.

“I’m booking a flight right now
Mia, I’ll be there tonight, I promise. I love you baby, I love you, don’t do
anything okay.” My words are said in a rush, not giving her a chance to
explain. “I’ve
gotta
go. I’ll see you in a couple of
hours. I love you.” And then I hang up without giving her a chance to speak.

As I run to my room and grab
some things, I start to feel sick. Somewhere, deep down, I know something is
very wrong.

Somehow, a part of me knows that
we are fucked, and there isn’t going to be a damn thing I can do about it.

A year ago – Mia

“Mia, open the door!”

Jared is pounding on my
front door. I can hear it from my bedroom, but I am too scared to go and open
it. I don’t know why he’s even knocking when he has a key.

And right on cue, I hear
it in the lock. This is followed by the sound of the door opening, slamming and
then Jared’s angry footsteps, heading in my direction.

I don’t know if I can do
this. I really don’t know if I can.

“Mia, baby, what the
fuck?” he asks, stalking towards me. His hands wrap around my shoulders and he
pulls me to my feet, wrapping me in his arms. My eyes close, trying to savour
this feeling, memorise this moment.

I know it’s going to be
the last good one I have with him and I have to save it. God knows I’m going to
need it later.

Jared eventually pushes me
back, squatting so he can look into my eyes. He’s blurry to me, so I know I am
already crying.

“What the hell’s going on
Mia?” he asks. “What was all that shit about with the texts? Talk to me baby,
please.”

I watch him staring at me,
his face nothing but concern as his thumbs brush away my tears. I can barely
breathe, let alone speak. I don’t know what to
do,
I
want to tell him everything. I want him to fix this.

But I can’t, I can’t. I
know what will happen if I do and I just can’t let it happen, I can’t do that
to Jared. I love him too much.

“Mia?” he says again, the
concern in his voice making my heart hurt.

“I can’t do this anymore
Jared,” I finally breathe out, the lie twisting my insides.

“What?” His fingers
tighten their hold on me, squeezing my skin all the way down to my bones. But I
don’t care. I need to feel it, need to feel something.
Anything
except for this blanket of numbness that I’m currently feeling.

“I can’t,” I whisper, my
voice somewhere else. I can’t possibly be saying these words to him. Not me,
not to him.

“Why the hell not? What’s
going on Mia?” Jared asks frustrated. He pulls me towards the bed and sits
down, holding me in his arms.

I take a deep breath,
force myself to get the words out, the words that are a complete and utter lie.
Words I don’t want to say at all, words I can’t even believe I’m about to speak
to him.

“Because it’s not
working.”

“Not working?” he asks,
his voice cracking. “Not working, how the hell can you say it’s not working?”

“Because it’s not,” I say,
forcing the lies out.

Jared’s hands fall from my
shoulders now. “Why?” he asks, his voice only a whisper.

I force myself to look at
him, even though I’m scared he’ll see straight through me. “The distance Jared,
I can’t do it anymore.” It’s such a lie, such a big fat lie.

“Baby,” he says, his voice
softening now. “We don’t have to, I told you, I’ll move out here if you want to
take the job, I’ll stay right now and never leave. I won’t ever leave you.”

I stare into his eyes, his
beautiful blue eyes that are the colour of the sky. They are looking back at me
with so much love and hope and want and it almost makes me give in. Almost has
me begging him to do that, to give up everything and move here to be with me.

But then I remember who
will lose out and I know I can’t ask him that. I can’t do it to Jared or to
Luke.

I know I have to do it
like this instead, no matter how much it breaks my heart.

“That’s not going to
work,” I say, my voice sounding less and less like my own with every lie I tell
him.

“Why?” he asks in a way
that almost breaks my heart.

I take a deep breath and I
tell another one. “Because I need to go back to LA for a while.”

“What, why?”

I can see the hope fading
from those beautiful eyes. “Because.
For work.
I’m not
sure how long it’s going to take, weeks, maybe months.”

“So,” Jared says, sliding
closer to me on the bed. “I’ll move to LA with you.”

I stand up now, needing to
get away from him, knowing that if he touches me, this will all be over and
I’ll cave, give in to him. Give in to what he wants, to what I want just as
much.

“No, that’s not going to
work either, Jared.”

“Mia, why?” he says,
standing up and walking towards me. “What the fuck is going on baby?”

He’s fighting for me,
fighting to keep me, but I can’t let him.

“Mia?” He stops right in
front of me and my traitorous body is begging me to pull him into my arms,
begging me to kiss him and tell him I’m sorry, that I didn’t mean any of it,
that I do want him and I do want this and I don’t care where we live, as long
as I can have him.

But then I remember why
I’m doing this, why I have to do this.

“I need a break Jared,” I
lie. “I…I just feel smothered, that this is all moving too fast.” The words are
bitter in my mouth and I feel like throwing up as soon as they are spoken.

“Too fast? Mia what the
fuck,” he says, his hand running through his hair. “We’ve been living together
for ages,” he continues. “None of this was too fast back in Boston, why is it
now?”

I swallow back the bile I
know is rising. “It just is,” I say, knowing there’s no explanation, because
there is no truth in what I’m saying. Nothing is moving too fast, none of it
is.

“But Mia, I love you, you
love me, I…” Jared exhales, his fingers pulling on his hair as he tries to calm
down. “I don’t understand baby, I don’t understand what’s going on?”

He takes a step towards me
and I force myself to step backwards, force myself not to reach out and pull
him towards me. “Please,” I beg. “I just need a break, just some time.”

“For how long?” he asks
and I can hear the fear in his voice.

I shrug, not trusting
myself to answer.

“How long Mia?” he asks
again.

“I don’t know,” I yell
back at him, the pain in my stomach intensifying as the hurt crosses his face.
“I don’t know okay, I just don’t know.”

“Is this permanent?” he
asks me, his voice flat now.

“No!” I say, pacing in
front of him to stop myself from changing my mind, even if I’m still not daring
to properly end this with him now. “I just need some time off, some time to get
things sorted in my head.”

“Do you love me Mia?” he
suddenly asks, and I stop, turn to face him.

I can see all of the pain and
misery and hurt on his face. All of the things I am inflicting on him, one by
one, over and over again. I wish I could take them all back. I wish I could tell
him why I’m being forced to do this, why I am hurting him to protect him, but I
can’t. I can’t because I know he will talk me out of it. I know he will
convince me to change my mind and then I have no idea what will happen. He will
get hurt if I change my mind and it will all be my fault. This, breaking up
with him, is the only way I can protect him and I have to do it, even if it
kills me. I just hope it doesn’t kill him in the process.

“Mia?” he says again. “Do
you love me?”

I stare into his beautiful
blue eyes. Eyes, which are already shining with unshed tears.
Yes I do Jared. I love you. I love you more
than you can possibly understand. And I’m sorry, I’m sorry I have to do this.

But I don’t say these
words. I don’t say anything at all because I don’t trust myself to speak. I
don’t trust myself not to just break down and tell him everything.

I can’t.

So instead I say nothing,
I just shake my head at him and watch as my action stabs him right through the
heart, knowing that mine broke the minute I made my decision to do this.

“You don’t?” he asks, his
voice cracking.

I say nothing, do nothing,
don’t
even move.

“You don’t love, Mia?
Anymore or you never have?” he spits his words out now and I know he’s angry. I
don’t blame him.

I’m losing him.

Still I say nothing, instead
watch silently as the best thing that ever happened to me, falls apart in front
me.

“Mia, what the fuck is
going on here, why are you doing this to me?” he says. “Do I mean nothing to
you? Does everything we have together mean fucking
nothing
to you?”

I swallow, nearly choking
on the bile I can feel coursing in my throat.

“How the fuck can you do
this?” he asks me now and I don’t have an answer. “You are that fucking cold
that you can just throw us away like this? Do I really mean that little to you?”

I can’t listen to these
words. I don’t want to hear them, don’t want them to be real. I shut down on
the inside, blocking it all out, knowing it’s too late anyway.

I’m not just losing him.
I’ve lost him.

I have lost him and I
don’t know if I am ever going to get him back.

And it’s
all
his
fault.

I fucking hate
him
.

Today, 2:22pm – Jared

Mia and I have been staring
at each other for the last five minutes. I’m still trying to process everything
she’s told me, wondering how it is that I managed to fall in love with the most
stubborn woman on the planet. I take a deep breath, swallowing as I repeat my
question.

“Why didn’t you come back
to Boston, Mia?”

“Please don’t hate me.”

I blink at her words,
knowing despite everything, there’s no way I could ever hate her. Not when I
love her as much as I do.

“I don’t.”

“Please don’t hate me
Jared, I couldn’t bear it, can’t, I don’t want, I just…fuck.”

Mia isn’t making any
sense, and I don’t know what to think of the words she’s saying now. I want to
tell her that I don’t hate
her, that
I never will.
Suddenly I really need her to know this, but she goes on, not letting me.

“Luke was why I quit, and
you,
you
were why I was coming back,
Jared. But my dad…my dad was why I didn’t, why I couldn’t.”

What the fuck?

“What? What are you
talking about Mia, what the fuck did he do to you?” This isn’t making any
sense.

“He found out and he
threatened…He threatened to destroy you, your family, everything…everything.
And I …love…you…I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…”

Her words come at me in a
rush, so quickly, I’m not even sure I catch them all. I hear words like;
don’t hate me, I love you, can’t, don’t,
family
…Mia is crying, sobbing, barely breathing now. Her words are choked,
anguished pleas;
don’t hate me, I love
you, can’t, don’t, my dad, destroy you, your family.

I don’t understand
,
I don’t get what she’s trying to say. Her dad found out
about us? Her dad wanted to destroy me, I don’t fucking understand and right
now I can’t understand anything Mia is saying to me. She is sobbing
uncontrollably, her breathing is hard, angry bursts that are painful to even
listen to. I need to know what she’s talking about, I need to understand what
she’s trying to say to me, what I think I’m hearing.

But I also know I can’t
bear to see her like this. I can’t sit back and watch as she literally falls
apart in front of me. I might be pissed and I might want to know what the fuck
happened, but not like this, not with Mia hurting this much. Nothing is worth
this.

I reach out and do what
I’ve being trying to stop myself from doing since I came back into the room. I
wrap my arms around her and pull her into my lap. Mia buries her face against
my chest, just like she used to and I tighten my arms around her. All at once,
a peace settles over me and for the first time in a year, I feel…right.

“Jared…” she moans and
it’s absolute agony to hear her like this.

“
Shhh
baby,” I whisper. “It’s okay.” Her sobs get harder. “He can’t hurt you, I’ll
never let him hurt you.” I don’t even know if this is what she’s worried about,
if she’s scared of him doing something, scared that he’ll come after her like
he did to Luke.

I run my fingers through
her hair, trying to get her to calm down. “Mia, it’s okay. Please don’t cry
baby, please.
Shhh
.”

She sobs again, my name
falling from her lips.

It feels like she’s
falling apart in my arms and whatever part of my heart that had hardened, has
now completely disappeared. I can’t pretend I understand what she did or why,
I’m not sure I ever really will. I have no idea what her dad could’ve ever done
to get to her like this. And I know there is a part of me that still hurts at
what she did to me, to us.

But for the first time, I
can see how much this has hurt her too. For the first time, I can see that she
shares the pain I’ve been carrying for the last year.

For the first time, I can
see that both of us have been hurting because of this.

She mumbles something
against my chest, but I don’t hear her.

“What?” I ask, brushing
her hair back and forcing her to look at me.

“There’s one more thing,”
she says, her face covered in anguish.

I wipe her tears away with
my thumbs, not even really understanding what she’s just told me. “What, what else
Mia?”

She’s crying even harder
now and it breaks my heart to see her this upset. I pull her closer. Mia crawls
even further onto my lap and I let her, wrapping my arms around her even
tighter. It feels so good to hold her again and I know it would be so easy to
forgive her and let it all go. That I want to, more than anything else in the
world. But then she says something that completely changes everything.

“My father, he wanted
to…but that’s nothing, I, I was pregnant and I’m sorry and please, I love you,
I want you back, please Jared. Please…I’m sorry…”

And I feel like I’ve just
been punched in the gut all over again.