Strong (Kindred #1) (20 page)

“I miss you too. Tell Carmen I’m thinking of her. Love you.” she blows a kiss down the line then hangs up.

I sit waiting for Carmen and when she appears half an hour later, she has a smile on her face and a little sparkle in her eyes again.

“Ready?” she asks, grabbing her bag.

“Ready.”

H
ow difficult can it be to find a pair of pyjamas that are going to be comfortable to wear after my surgery? You would think it would be easy, yet this is the third shop I’ve been in to and I can’t find anything I like. That’s probably why, I’m so used to shopping for what I like and before now, I’ve been able to wear whatever I like. But on the pack of information the hospital gave me, they suggest loose fitting. I’m not really a loose fitting kind of girl, I have a nice body, dancing keeps me fit and toned so I don’t worry about what I wear. I sigh as I look through more rails of pyjamas and then scowl.

“What’s that for?” Carter laughs beside me.

“Why is everything so childish? I mean, what is with Minions? They’re over everything! I like Minions as much as the next person, but I don’t want to be covered in them.”

“What about penguins?” he asks, pointing at a pair of soft looking lounge pants.

“Not my style, but I’ll get them for Megs.” I pick her size up and put them in my basket.

“What is your style then?” he asks, holding up a pair of shorts with smiley faces on.

I shake my head.

“Not that.”

“Shorts? Long pants? What are you looking for?”

“Loose fitting, I have no idea if I’m going to want anything on my stomach after… You know. So loose fitting.”

We continue our search for another twenty minutes when I finally find them. They’re berry checked bottoms and a matching berry vest, perfect. I add them to my basket and head over to the slippers. Slippers are much easier to find, I buy a pair of white fluffy boots and a pair of slip-ons with a berry stripe for taking to the hospital with me. I buy new knickers and socks and throw in a couple of pairs of yoga pants too, not sure how long I’m going to be in hospital for and not wanting to have to worry about washing anything.

“Where to?” Carter asks as we step out into the street.

“Coffee? I need some caffeine.”

I head towards a Starbucks and after practically making Carter sit down and throwing my bags at him, I head to get our coffee. While I’m standing in line, I suddenly get an idea, an idea I’m going to need help with. Seeing as it’s not something I can ask my Mum and Dad to help with and time isn’t on my side, I come to the conclusion, I’m going to have to ask Carter. I order the coffee, a cinnamon swirl for Carter and a chocolate chip shortbread for me, when I put the tray down in front of him, Carter is still scowling at me.

“Oh, grow up you big baby! It’s one coffee. Here,” I hand him the plate with the cinnamon swirl on. “You have these at home right?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

“Cheer up Carter, I just bought you coffee and a pastry loaded with calories, it doesn’t get much better than that.”

“Thank you… It’s just how Mom and Dad raised us, the guy always pays.”

“Well, it’s the twenty-first century. The girl can pay too,” I poke my tongue out at him and steal a bite of his gooey cinnamon swirl. “This is really good!”

“You know I’m stealing some of yours, right?” he nods to my shortbread.

“Of course.” I pick it up and hand it to him. He takes a big bite and puts it back on my plate grinning at me.

“What else do we need to get?”

“Toiletries and snacks, we can get snacks on the way home though.”

“Okay.” he nods.

“Carter… I’m going to need help with something.”

“Anything, what is it?”

“I want some photos taken.”

“Okay…”

“Not your every day kind of photos…”

“I’m lost, what do you mean?”

“I want photos so I can remember what I looked like before…”

“I get it.” he smiles.

“After Thursday I will cease to be me and I’ll be a statistic, I’ll never be just Carmen again, I’ll be Carmen who has cervical cancer, I might be Carmen who didn’t make it, I hope I’ll be Carmen who survived, but either way, I want to be able to remember what I looked liked before my life changed and I need you to help me.”

“So, how do we make sure you remember?”

“I take my clothes off.” I grin as he takes a mouthful of his swirl.

“You what?” he splutters.

“I want to remember my body before the surgery and stuff,” I shrug. “I have a nice body Carter, that might change after this.”

“I can’t take photos of you naked!” he coughs, clearly uncomfortable.

“Why? I won’t be totally naked…. At least I don’t think I will.”

“I just… I’ve got an idea, hear me out before you say no.”

He begins to tell me about talking to Alexis earlier and how she asked if there was anything she could do. He clearly isn’t comfortable with taking the photos on his own, so suggests we ask her to help, if I’m okay with that.

“Will it make you more comfortable?” I ask him.

“Yes, it’s not that I don’t want to see you naked… I mean, I do but… Shit.” he covers his face with his hands and groans.

“It’s okay, Carter.” I laugh.

“I just don’t think it’s… right, that I do it alone.”

I lean closer to him and when my mouth is resting by his ear, I whisper.

“Think you wont be able to resist me?” I tease him.

“I know I wouldn’t.” he tells me honestly, turning his head so our faces are inches from each other.

Well, I wasn’t expecting that. I pull back a little flustered and he’s grinning at me.

“So,” I croak, a little breathless. “We’ll get Alexis to help.”

I pick up my coffee cup and take a large mouthful, needing to calm down and focus on something that isn’t Carter. He nods and picks up his phone, he texts Alexis and a reply comes back seconds later.

“She’s up for it.” he smiles.

Finding a little courage, I can’t resist teasing him a little more. I finish my coffee and stand, picking up the shopping bags.

“Seems you’re not the only one then.” I wink.

“Are you ready?” I ask Carter and Alexis as I step out of the en-suite and into my bedroom.

“As I’ll ever be.” Carter groans.

“Big brother, you’re such a baby sometimes,” she teases him. “Come on, Carmen. We’re ready.”

“Carter, open your eyes, I’m wearing my robe.” I laugh as I step into the room and see him over by the window with his eyes squeezed shut.

“Okay.” he opens one eye a little then both of them fully when he sees I am wearing my robe.

I contemplate dropping it completely when he looks at me, but as quickly as the thought crosses my mind, I disregard it. I need his help, I can’t embarrass him this early on. I go over to the bed and climb on top of it. The new white linens are on and the room is light, bright, and perfect for what I have in mind.

“Let’s start with some from the back, I’ll look over my shoulder.”

“With the robe on?” Carter asks.

“No, not with the robe on. I have knickers on and I’ll have my back to you.” I roll my eyes.

“There will still be a lot of naked skin on show, and as nice as I am, I’m still a guy and you’re still bloody gorgeous.” he tells me, looking me in the eyes.

“Well, thank you.” I grin, feeling like I’m as high as the clouds right now.

“Just do it, this isn’t about you!” Alexis scowls at him.

It seems to work, Carter goes over to the camera which is sitting on the tripod we bought while we were out and gets ready. I remove my robe and sit on my heels, I’m wearing a pair of my new pale teal lace shorties. I picked the colour specifically for this, teal is the colour of cervical cancer and that’s what this is all about. Alexis comes over and helps drape my hair over one shoulder; it’s down and wavy and I’m pleased with how it looks. I’ve kept my make up natural because this isn’t about being made up, this is about remembering me for
me
.

“Ready?” Carter asks, looking at me.

“Ready.”

He takes a few photos while Alexis directs me a little;
look this way, can we try one hand on your shoulder?
When we have lots from the back, I let Carter know I’m turning around. I keep my hands across my chest and Alexis comes over and arranges my hair for me. When she’s done, I look over her shoulder and notice Carter’s facing the door, his body angled away from me. Is it really bothering him that much?

“We’re ready.” I tell him.

He takes a deep breath and resumes his place behind the camera, we take lots more photos and then I ask for one last thing, one that’s really important to me.

“I need some taken while I’m laying flat on my back, I’ll cover my chest, but I need to be able to remember my stomach before, I need to remember I was once a complete woman.” I look at Alexis and she’s got tears rolling down her cheeks.

“I’m so sorry.” she cries, walking over and wrapping her arms around me in spite of my nakedness.

“It’s not your fault.” I tell her, wrapping my arms around her too.

“It doesn’t matter, I’m still so sorry, Carmen. You’re so brave, I think you’re incredible.”

“You’re helping me so much right now, you know?” I whisper to her.

She pulls back and wipes her eyes, nodding her beautiful head at me. I completely forget Carter is still in the room until he clears his throat. I wipe the tears from her cheeks and before I cover myself again and lay back while she arranges my hair for me. Carter takes the camera off the tripod and comes to stand on the bed so he’s over me. I look up and instead of looking into the lens, I look straight into his eyes. They’re in turmoil right now, both desire and sadness shine clearly in them and it’s only now I realise how difficult this is for him too.

“These are the last ones.”

“You can have as many as you like.” he smiles, before raising the camera to his face to take more shots.

When we’re finished, I slip my robe back on head into the bathroom to get dressed. When the door closes I realise I can’t sit in, I can’t stay in and wait for Thursday to come around. I need to go out, I need to live a little, I need to remember what it feels like to live. I know exactly what I want to do and I hope Carter and Alexis will come with me. I head into the lounge where they’re both sitting chatting with a coffee.

“Do you want to go out with me tonight?” I ask them as I sit down at the table and pull my cup towards me.

“Out? Out where?” he asks looking unsure.

“Dancing.”

“I’m up for dancing,” Alexis grins. “I haven’t been out dancing the whole time I’ve been here!”

“Carmen, you have surgery in two days.” Carter tells me, frowning.

“Exactly why I should go out tonight. It’s my last night of freedom, it’s my last night being the woman I am now because after… I won’t be a woman anymore.”

“Stop it, don’t say that. Please. Don’t. Say. That.” he runs his hands through his hair, gritting his teeth.

“Carter it’s the truth,” I tell him. “And it’s okay.”

“She has the right to go out, Carter,” Alexis groans. “She’s an adult.”

“Exactly,” I high five her, “So, are you coming or not?” I ask him. “Because we’re going even if you don’t.”